❛𝘸𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯,

𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 !
𝐒𝐔𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐒

▶️ NOW PLAYING : dark red by steve lacy (slowed + reverb)

"DON'T you think death is amazing, Chuuya?"

You asked seriously, a dreamy undertone to your voice as you waited for his answer.

The said gingerhead stared at you as he paused mid drinking his wine, eyes wide. He couldn't believe that you'd be interested in death. It sent a really uncomfortable shudder down his spine at the odd familiarity of the topic.

He wiped his face with a napkin after gathering himself, "Um, well, it's a daily part of my job, so I can't really escape it but if you're asking me whether I am obsessed with it? Absolute not," he emphasised the last part, his knuckles white at the thought of a certain man who would never shut the fuck up about that very topic.

Your face visibly saddened at his response and a pout left you, "Aw man, I really thought you'd be the man for me Chuuya. Guess you're not then,"

Chuuya tried not to burst out of anger right then and there at that and calmed himself down, not wanting to cause a commotion in the expensive restaurant you two were in at the moment. He forced a smile that didn't reach his blue eyes when he said, "Yeah that's fine by me actually. I liked you too and you're not that bad either but we can't date like this. Sorry 'bout that," he said halfheartedly, but he really did think you were a wonderful woman but just the thought about death being your inspiration almost made him throw up.

That's when you both exited the restaurant to head to your apartment. You were kind of sad that you didn't get a catch today with Chuuya but you weren't surprised, because why would men ever like you? They always used you anyways.

"So, where do you live? I'll escort you home,"

Turning your head to him, you answered, "Not far from here, we'll have to take the bus for that,"

"Alright then, let's g-" the man's voice paused, making you turn to him in confusion. He was glaring angrily ahead of you two, eyes twitching this time and went two steps back. Your eyes followed his gaze when you saw a tall and handsome man walking towards you.

"Well if it isn't shrimpy kid! Hey~ what's up, buddy?" his voice reached your ears as you couldn't take your attention off from him.

His brown eyes met yours and he gasped, "Oh who's this beautiful young lady?" he came closer to you.

"Fuck off Dazai! I'm trying to get her back home! Leave! Now!" the redhead yelled agitated at the tall man, fumes leaving his ears and nose, face matching his hair.

"Now, now, what will this gorgeous woman think of you when you behave like this? Ain't I right, sweet cheeks?" he stared at you in a flirtatious way, making you blush slightly as he took your hand and kissed it.

You only smiled at his antics, immensely intrigued.

"How old are you, my dear?" he asked, completely ignoring his old working partner, pushing his face away as he wanted to interrupt your both's conversation.

"I'm 20. And you?"

A hum left him, "Same here. And I think that you look absolutely lovely tonight," his eyes travelled down to your body which had a (f/c) coloured dress(or any other comfortable clothing) wrapped around it.

"Why thank you," you mirrored his expression, taking in his handsome features.

Chuuya, who just stood still, watched you two flirting with a disgusted face.

What in the fuck.

"Dazai, please just piss off already!" Chuuya shouted helplessly after his daze, so much frustration and anger running through his veins.

"Tell me more about yourself," you continued, enjoying how easy it was to anger the short man you had a date with, wanting to tease him a little bit more.

The tall brown haired man stood up straight as he smirked at you, eyes carrying something that could only be mischief.

"Here we go again," Chuuya sighed exhaustedly next to you.

"I'll tell you, jail is so fun," Dazai's tone went serious, but you could tell he was trying to do it for comedic effect, for more drama.

Your eyes popped out as you crossed your arms, "You've been in jail?"

"Once, in Monopoly."

You bursted out laughing at the face he did at the end, grabbing Chuuya's arm for dear life, seeing how he had no emotion on his features whatsoever. Only trauma.

"Hmm, I like him," you announced, turning to him as you pointed to the mysterious man.

"Oh and did you know me and this small mackerel are actually friends?" he added, linking an arm around the said man who immediately pushed him away, breathing heavily.

Mouth agape you eyed them stunned, "You know each other?" a little smile creeped your lips.

"What the fuck are you saying and doing? Don't touch me!"

"You see, when we were younger, we used to go to so many places due to our jobs. We had our ups and downs and would fight a lot. Though the real treasure was the memories we made along the way. Right, Chuuya?" he stared with an eye closed smile that would irritate anyone.

"I almost died on many occasions!"

"Ah yes, those were my fondest memories," a sigh escaped his mouth as he looked up to the dark blue night sky as Chuuya kicked him in the gut to which he let out a loud yelp afterwards.

"You what?" Now you were overwhelmed and concerned for the man next to you.

He shook his head at your worried face and took your hand in his, rubbing it gently. "It's nothing, really. I know this isn't very consoling but I'm fine. Everything went well as long as that fucker was there. We're gifted y'know," he explained.

You let out an oh and released a breath of relief, not letting go of his hand.

Dazai, on the other hand, sensed something from you but he couldn't pinpoint what it was yet so he hoped to stick a little longer with you. However he expected that wouldn't be the case.

"Alright," you both heard a growl before Chuuya ripped Dazai's grip from your other hand and turned to the said man. "She is my date and my responsibility. So let me bring her back home you jerk," was all he said as he glared at him with seriousness.

"You wasted enough time already."

All Dazai did was shrug and then throw a wink your way which made you giggle before he left.

"I can't stand him," the mafioso massaged his scalp as he turned to you, "I'm sorry, he's always like this. He was my old colleague,"

You put a hand on his shoulder, assuring him, "It's okay. I really appreciate how you cared about my safety. I really like that about you, Chuuya" you grinned which made him return the gesture in a shy manner.

You took his arm and slung it around yours, starting to walk back to your home.

• • •

A week had passed.

Having left your house, you decided to take a walk after you had cried yourself to sleep last night, feeling so exhausted. Let's just say you were absolutely done with how things were going and you wanted everything to stop.

Everything was too much for you.

Just the thought brought you a huge headache.

Shaking your head, you kept walking slowly. It was relatively sunny that day as the rays hit your skin from your left side, people going past you, busy with their own lives. The city wasn't loud in general that day, which relieved you.

Physically, you were hurting, each step sent pain to your legs, all you wanted was to sit down but at the same time you didn't want to. Your back muscles hurt as well, everything hurt.

You didn't even have a decent breakfast today, so your stomach was also feeling absolutely disgusting.

Sometimes you really wondered whether you should just-

"Oh, it's you again."

Your thoughts came to halt.

At the male voice you stopped in your tracks too and stood there for a second. You slowly craned your neck upwards only to connect with chocolate brown eyes.

It was him.

"Hey, there," he stepped closer with a smile, hands dived into his trenchcoat's pockets.

Your face lit up as you spoke, "Hey... Dazai? Right?" you narrowed your eyes carefully.

He nodded at that. "Bingo," he sang the word.

"What are you doing here?" you asked, playing with your necklace out of habit, the presence of the man before you making you a little bit nervous.

"Oh I was just trying to kill myself through a new method. The 'lay down onto the road until a car hits you' method," a chuckle left him, "I failed miserably. The ground was too dirty and there were so many people and every driver would just halt whenever I'd lay down," his happy face disappeared immediately at that and his whole body slouched.

The new information caused you to blink at him, not believing his words for few moments before you smiled widely. "You wanted to kill yourself? Are you also chasing after death?" you uttered out the words with hope lacing them.

Dazai stood there with blinking eyes before his mouth opened, "Yes? Yes, I do. I want to die reallyyy bad,"

That made you go closer to him, "Do you hate life that much too, you want to just not live?"

He nodded like a kid would and smiled the brightest smile he could. "Absolutely. I always did,"

"Then let's drown ourselves then. Like right now."

The man looked at you surprised, not believing he had finally found a woman willing to kill herself with him. Holy shit.

"You mean, double suicide?!" he sounded like a fangirl at this point.

You shook your head yes as you wrapped your fingers around his bandaged hand and ran to the Yokohama river. Adrenaline flowing through both your systems. You couldn't believe this was happening. It was too surreal. You always wanted to die with a man similar to you. A man who's hope was long gone and wanted to end things. Though this felt too easy and unbelievable to you. But the facial expressions he gave you seemed genuine, he wasn't lying or making you a fool.

Now that your body was about to get absorbed by the river's unclean water, it invading your lungs until there was no space for oxygen and you slowly die alongside this man you were with, you could be finally be at peace. Your miserable life flashing before you as your blurry eyes would look up to the surface, the small dot of the sun staring right down at you.

Once you arrived you let go of his hand and stared at the river that belonged to Yokohama, your beloved city. The surface was glistening beautifully under the sun's light, the sounds it made calming you down.

For a while you said nothing. You didn't want to die just like that. You wanted it to sink in, again contemplating whether you actually do want to off yourself, right here, right now.

Your head turned to the male next to you, who wore a blank face you couldn't read at all. His eyes were fixated to the water before you, a longing but empty feeling brushing over his demeanour.

Taking a deep breath, you mustered up courage to ask him. "Uh.. say Dazai.. why do you wish to die?"

He didn't say anything at first, making you wonder whether he actually heard you. He let out a breath before turning to you with a smile, "Mine has been a life much of shame. I suffered a lot, losing things the moment I obtain them, like soap slipping from your hands. I did things I regretting doing and now I have to live with the sins I committed. I don't want to get too personal here since we don't know each other that well, so I hope this is explanatory enough,"

You could sense that he was a little uneasy but also didn't care at all that he was sharing his reasons to kill himself. "I understand. Don't worry,"

Wrapping your arms around yourself, you looked away before he said, "What about you?" You stood perfectly still at that, biting your lip.

"Well..."

"Why don't we sit down, hm? You seem very uncomfortable. I apologise for perhaps awakening bad moments of your life," he said with a modulated voice, easying the tension you had.

Sitting down onto the edge with your legs dangling, you breathed in to gather yourself and closed your eyes. The warmth from the sun caused you to have goosebumps... or was it his warmth?

Dazai watched you patiently, understanding that it's hard for you.

"I have a lot of financial problems and difficulties and," you rubbed your face tiredly, "I constantly keep losing my damn jobs, no matter which one I had, I had no luck. Something had to happen and I was back at square one. That really started my deep depression. And then there's..." you trailed off.

This topic... you hated talking about it, you absolutely despised it. Whenever you thought about it, it left you so helpless and corrupted.

"There's men. At least one man in almost all the jobs I had, would sexually harass me, no matter what I wore. They'd always make me feel so terrible and terrified. I.. I can't explain it. I don't like talking about it,"

The suicidal man wore a frown on his face, hands built into fists, knuckles white. He was very furious about the last part, he couldn't understand that. He really hated his own species at times, wishing nothing but hell upon them. He'd never understand humans to begin with. All he asked his whole life was: Why?

You don't deserve this, he thought. No one does.

When he was about to tell you how sorry he was he was met with your pained face, tears running down your cheeks as you tried to keep it together. But your heart was hurting too much and you spilled more water, ugly sounds escaping your trembling lips.

You were crying.

And he felt responsible for it.

He didn't want to make you feel this way but here we are. He was always at fault for things, it wasn't new to him.

So he decided to stand up and thought it was for the best if he left you alone and pour it all out because he knew how important that is, yet he never did that himself.

"I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have brought this up. I'll be going then."

His warmth wasn't there anymore and it made you look up to see... no one. Just the people walking nearby and the sky, the sun. Emotions that one could identify as sadness and disappointment flowed through you at his sudden absence. You felt understood in a way a person who empathised with you couldn't, only a person who suffered like you did could truly grasp the devastation and hopelessness you carried with you. The need to leave was something only few people could truly comprehend.

However you were also somewhat surprised and relieved that he just left you by yourself to calm down, since you both had only just met and wouldn't bother you any longer because you did need your space at times like this.

You were grateful for that, truly.

• • •

Another week had passed and you met him, again.

This time you wanted to go to a cliff together and jump off, it's what you suggested.

The brunette stumbled upon you after he came back from the bar, where he (for once) didn't drink anything and just wanted to chat with the barkeeper. Someone to talk to because he simply didn't have anyone. He was just a useless, depressed and alcoholic 20 year old after all.

And he was about to apply for an entrance exam for the Armed Detective Agency, a gifted organisation that took on cases residing in a illegal grey area. The President was also a great man of integrity.

That's what he heard from a man two years ago, who was an important figure of the ministry. He (surprisingly) kindly told him to wait for two more years underground before he could actually be accepted on the job market, as Dazai would call it.

He thanked that man for keeping his ass safe and hidden because of his sinful past he hated so much. Now he just hoped that everything would go well.

Back to the present, he pulled an enthusiastic mask at your suggestion and just got along with it, not wanting to sadden you any further. So you headed there by foot, conversing about anything, something to get rid of the awkwardness that lingered between you. It wasn't necessarily uncomfortable but you just wanted to get to know him more.

Dazai did expect that you both wouldn't kill yourselves, the chances were high, but he wanted to come with you nonetheless.

"Say, (Y/n)," he began, eyes admiring your chosen clothes, a great combination of (f/c) and (other f/c).

You hummed, showing that you were listening.

"Do you have a family?" he asked as inconspiciously as possible.

You'd smile at that weakly, "Yes, they mean a lot to me," you skipped out of excitement like a little girl would, despite feeling bitter at the question, not putting much mind to it.

The two of you would be standing at the edge now, staring to the ground, seeing how high you were above the water. The said water would splash against the cliff loudly as birds would fly over your heads, chirping sounds leaving them. The temperature was slightly colder than in downtown of Yokohama, making you both shiver just a tad bit.

He would remember that, what you said before, honestly thinking why you would leave when there were people you cared about and they did that in return too.

That's all he could ask for.

Dazai looked at how you would stare at the horizon, completely lost in your thoughts. And oh, how beautiful you looked. Every single thing about you was. Angelic. That's how he'd describe you. That's how you appeared to him at the moment. An angel.

His hands were in his pockets now and thought about what you could actually experience. That you could live a good life. That you actually didn't deserve death. He knew you had a chance to live. A choice you could make for your future self not have any regrets with the current decision you'd make now.

Living without regrets. Yeah that sounded right for you.

Then out of the blue he questioned, "Do you really want to see how your own body breaks? Leaving scars and the sort on your skin? Have you ever thought of accepting your pain being imprinted into your own flesh once you've failed?" there was no emotion whatsoever in his tone, as if it never belonged there, just emptiness.

You would remain quiet, taken back by his questions. His words banged against your head as you eyed the bandages covering him from neck to ankles, trying to picture what it must have been like for him. You could obviously tell he was way more experienced in all of this than you ever were. You could practically smell the regret that came from him.

Judging by your silence, he asked again "Have you ever attempted to commit suicide over and over again in your lifespan?" That was a good question, but the answer was no, you never tried.

Again your silence was a good enough answer to him. That eased him a lot, he wouldn't bare someone like you ever carrying anything remotely similar to what his skin carried his whole life.

"Oh! I just remembered! I have to go to do something really important for my job!" he smacked his forehead with a silly grin, "I'm