That was a lie obviously.
He just didn't want to burden both of you with unwanted thoughts and escape the situation, being glad it didn't happen just yet.
โข โข โข
After that event, you wouldn't see each other for a long while.
6 months passed to be exact.
And you just came out of the pharmacy with a small bag carrying a smaller rectangular box. You breathed heavily as you threw the bag to a nearby trash can and took the box.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
You walked a little bit more to a place where there weren't as many people so you could finally end this. Your hands were shaking as you held the small drug jar, looking at it with a gulp.
Right in this moment, you were trying to attempt to kill yourself through sleeping pills.
You were so afraid of the current moment, wondering if you'd ever succeed with that stupid cowardly nature of yours. Why couldn't you just get the job done?
Again you chose to go to a spacious alley way, where there was a lot of junk and stuff thrown into a pile. There were even two old mattresses standing against the brick walls. Looking around frantically, you laid against the hard surface of the wall and decided to put at least over 20 pills into your hand and breathed deeply.
Here goes nothing.
You turned her face upwards and closed your eyes for just a minute to collect your calm.
My life sucks. It's not getting better, it never will. Everyone is shitty towards me, men still harass me. And the money? Well the money is still a huge reason for my constant headaches. And jobs? Forget them. Not a chance. At least I could get some money at a restaurant but that didn't last long either. Fucking hell, what am I even good for?
One last breath.
One. Two. Three.
Then you open your eyes, only to gasp out loud.
Muttering a small "Shit" you threw the bottle and pills away, not caring at all anymore when you dashed to the two mattresses and flopped them onto the ground with as much force you could, so that they lay next to each other. They were thick enough not to rip or let a body hit the ground beneath the mattress. Heavy breaths came from your lips as you looked upwards in panic, fear painted all over your features.
You waited until the body from above would move and stepped one foot off the old and high building and fall down. It all seemed in slow motion when he fell towards you, his trench coat making flapping sounds as he came closer and closer. You bit your lip because of the immense anxiety, almost too hard that it would start bleeding.
He finally hit the mattresses, his body not moving an inch and wouldn't open his eyes just yet. Seeing him land safely, you slowly walked where he was and just stood there.
You knew he wasn't dead or unconscious, you figured from meeting him for the first tike that he wouldn't die so easily. His whole appearance gave that away.
Dazai's arms would be behind his head, his lips curving upwards slightly, breathing in and out peacefully, as if he just didn't jump to his death moments ago.
You released an annoyed but relieved sigh.
Bastard.
Then he opened his still mesmerising brown eyes and said "Committing suicide without me, hm?" his voice was appealing as always.
Rolling your eyes at him, you crossed your arms, "I could ask you the same thing,"
Dazai would slowly get up and dust away some dirt before looking down to you. Godamn, you forgot how tall he was beacause he was basically towering above you.
You both didn't say anything and just had intense eye contact. The most intense one yet.
Because of the awkwardness and uneasiness, you rubbed your arm and suggested him, "Would you like to come over at my apartment?" Again he would stare at you with calculating eyes. And whenever he looked at you like that, your stomach would make a sudden flip.
Looking down, he uttered a "Sure" and then walked past you, brushing his shoulder against yours.
You honestly wondered what was going through his mind when his face was like that. He was never easy to read.
On the way he would tease you and joke around, making you laugh. You both would be walking slowly, with no rush at all, enjoying each other's company. It's been so long but every time you met him, it felt like you had known him your whole life. You could talk about anything with Dazai.
When you arrived, you told him to get comfortable as you would prepare some snacks and drinks.
Dazai wandered his ever curious eyes around the area and take in everything, like the walls, the furniture, the way things were placed. He figured out a pattern in your apartment. It would give away traits about you. Habits of yours you probably weren't even aware of.
Even her apartment was an embodiment of her personality.
The brunette took off his coat and just sat there in silence until you came and gave him mochis and arare with some matcha green tea. You knew from the way he reeked of alcohol how much of a drinker he was but thought you should give him something healthy instead. It would do him good.
Dazai would take the tea without hesitation and take a sip. No one ever did any favours for him out of kindness, so at any given chance, if someone ever did, he'd never skip it. He couldn't let go of the idea of someone liking him despite him being a terrible person. Like that one person in his life did many years ago.
He complimented you and your efforts, that you made it really well. "This is quite the flavour. I've never tried it before. Thanks a lot, (Y/n)," he took another sip.
First none of you would say anything again, just feeling comfortable in the silence and drinking and eating on the side.
Dazai's mind wandered somewhere else now and honestly wondered why on earth he kept meeting you. It's not like he hated you but he had this sensation in his chest, it was tight and it made him mad that you had the ability to cry and he never had the chance to feel genuine emotions without faking them. He was so foreign to that concept it honestly killed him from the inside. It always did and always will.
You, in the meanwhile, were angry at yourself. That you didn't manage to kill yourself. That you were a coward, as usual. Those were just pills. You could've just swallowed them and done.
Both of your hands tightly gripped your cups as your thoughts got the best of you. The other noticed that so you asked in unison,
"What's wrong?"
"What's the matter?"
A smile would appear on your lips afterwards and just return to to be silent. Man, you two really seemed to like silence.
The brown haired man chose to get up and walk over to the sliding windows that provided a beautiful sight of Yokohama at night time and he would continue sipping the green tea without his mask on, as long as you didn't see him do that.
After a few moments you queried, "Say Dazai, what are your preferences in committing suicide?"
You waited patiently for his answer, and he took a deep breath, his tall lean figure appearing to be attractive to you, "I prefer to kill myself without any pain, because I've felt it my entire life, and the suffering,"
That made sense to you, muttering a quiet "I see" before finishing your green tea and walked away to the kitchen and left Dazai alone to think.
As he used to believe that the night belonged to the mafia, he wouldn't exactly disagree with that or have a different point of view on that now since terrible things did happen at night. Things he used to be deeply familar with. The taste of the matcha tea melted in an extraneous way. He kept moving the muscle around, it was a different experience to have something other than sake which always burned his throat and set his tongue and body on fire. The taste was so new to him that he actually liked the drink. It did seem to give him a physical experience that he wasn't at a side of bad; bitterness but a side of good; sweetness.
His brows were lightly put to a frown that one might not grasp immediately, that's how soft it was but added a lot to his true facade, which also consisted of his lips in a straight line, devoid of any ounce of emotion. Just a white canvas that hadn't been properly taken care of yet, as the artist himself never really considered picking up the brush again after his attempt to paint failed and now, he was left with clouded fear he didn't want to admit and pure unfamiliarity taking over.
You returned from your bedroom and put a blanket and a pillow onto the long sofa Dazai previously sat on. You would see how he was still at the same spot, still drinking the tea.
Walking over to him, you stood next to his tall frame and gazed out of the window. Yokohama's nature at night fascinating both of you for different reasons. Your hand was placed against your mouth, eyes concentrated to the high skyscrapers.
Your expression would be something you wore unconsciously, something that would come back and make itself comfortable on your face. It was like you were in a trance, your thoughts visibly flashing before you like a movie. Not even a muscle would move as if your features were made of porcelain. And if someone startled you, it would break quite easily. It's not like it never had any small cracks before.
Though you quickly remembered and inhaled a breath, "I prepared my room for you to sleep in," and he would just look at you with raised brows, his lips twitching to curve upwards, "I'm sorry, love, but I'm afraid I'll sleep on the couch," you frowned, arms crossed.
"But you're the guest! I can sleep on the couch, don't be like that Dazai," his body would turn towards you and would place his finger on your lips to silence you, and your eyes would just meet his in surprise while he would just come closer and say "I said it's fine (Y/n), don't worry, your couch is very comfy," he would say the last bit with a childish tone and just retreat from you and then put the cup near the sink.
You gave up and then left the windows and head to the couch to prepare the blanket and pillow but he went to grab your wrist to prevent you from doing anything else, "I got this, okay?" he would turn you around and push you until you were in your room, grabbing the door handle he said "Have a good night, darling," before shutting it closed.
Dazai stretch himself and then picked up his coat and placed it on the other couch and laid down.
You were on your bed, being comfortable in your own sheets, making you feel quite content.
You thought about how you couldn't have experienced this past hour if you had suceeded in killing yourself. You wouldn't be feeling safe in your own apartment, you wouldn't see your beloved city one last time, you wouldn't be able to gaze into his eyes when the night sky hit his brown hues in a way you were mesmerized, you wouldn't be feeling better that there was someone you could relate to right at the opposite side of the door, laying there. You wouldn't be able to slide a small piece of paper into his coat's pocket for the next morning, when he'd leave, that he could save your number in his phone if he ever wanted to contact you.
โข โข โข
A year had passed and Dazai turned 22, he was part of the armed detective agency now, fully committed to be on the good side and do good, to find somewhat relief.
Though he was still his silly self and would continue to attempt suicide and would fail every time.
That wasn't something new for his poor co-workers who always had to deal with his daily bullshit and try not to fume like a kettle, but they cared about him, deeply, they wouldn't say it to his face (with the exception of Atsushi) but they genuinely didn't want to lose him.
He was glad? That he had people in his life now and would invade his mind every time he'd ever dare to take his own life and it'd break his heart quite honestly said. Atsushi meant so much to him, almost as much as him.
You on the other hand managed to get your life together when Dazai left your apartment the morning after.
You both would actually call each other or send text messages, just like how friends would do it. And you two understood that the other cannot text with them very often and trust that they won't forget each other.
Some things still weren't getting better for you though. You kept getting harassed, kept having extreme financial problems which made you question several times for the past 2 years why your head hadn't exploded yet. At least you had a new job currently and it somewhat worked out and you just prayed so hard that you wouldn't lose it again. The boss is nice, as well as your colleagues. No disgusting men, they were all respectful and kind towards you. You were so grateful for at least one miracle in your life.
You were in your apartment, leaned against the kitchen counter and drank some coffee as you spaced out, thoughts slowly wandering over to a man you stopped talking to.
It tugged at your heart at that reality, you really wanted to contact him and talk to him as usual but you didn't know how. He also wasn't doing anything, so you figured what you two had was only temporary.
You went back to when the both of you would constantly meet, wanting to kill themselves when... fear took over you.
Why were you feeling like this?
Because that might be so sad or might leave your nose running.
You never felt like this before about him.
But at the thought that if you two ever wanted to die together and you failed at it and he succeeded, you'd lose him. Forever. And if that happened, you wouldn't be able to kill yourself. Only if it was with him.
You were afraid to lose Dazai Osamu.
"I just hope he never leaves me," you muttered to yourself.
โข โข โข
Dazai was with Atsushi, walking somewhere tranquil and away from people, enjoying each other's company.
He had only told about you to Atsushi and he was always excited to hear new things about you, and was happy Dazai had a relatively good relationship with a woman, even if it wasn't romantic.
"Have you guys talked recently?" he'd ask enthusiastically with his adorable smile.
The other male would just take a short glance his way and avoid eye contact, head angled to the ground, "Not really, actually... our conversations died down a few months ago. We both just didn't seem to have any time and I didn't want to bother her," he answered genuinely, a small fraction of disappointment washing over his dark eyes.
"Oh, I see," Atsushi would frown and stay silent after.
Dazai wasn't sure but suddenly an emotion he didn't feel for a long time entered his stomach.
He had felt this only with Odasaku, when he was alone on that godforsaken suicide mission and it destroyed him internally, he was relieved he never had to experience that again.
Until now.
Why must it be her?
What if the reason you hadn't texted him was because you-
He halted in his tracks, alarming Atsushi.
"Dazai, what's wrong?" he asked concerned, brows formed to a frown.
The said man wouldn't answer just yet and think without any pauses, his mind being in a rush right now.
No, that's not possible right? She was afraid to die wasn't she?
But then a small gasp left him, "What if she's fine? It's my mind that's wrong. And I just let bad thoughts linger for far too long,"
"Huh? What do you mean?" the young weretiger raised a brow in confusion, staring at his superior with innocent eyes.
Why was he doing this to himself? He shouldn't be caring about her, because then he wouldn't have to experience that emotion again he had felt when he lost his best friend.
"Everything is okay, Atsushi. Don't worry, I just remembered something but then it wasn't as important," that last part didn't taste good on his tongue but he brushed it off.
He plastered a fake smile the other's way and told him to get going.
โข โข โข
After his time with Atsushi, he said goodbye to head to his house, eyes staring down to the thick snow, the snowflakes falling down non-stop since morning. A tired sigh left him, his whole body feeling heavy.
When he arrived, he saw a person sitting against his house, legs to their chest and head laid onto their knees.
His eyes widened since it was winter and it was freezing cold and there's snow everywhere? Have they lost their mind?
Dear God, why me?
Looking irritated, he immediately rushed over and crouched down only to see...
Only to see it was you.
Dazai grabbed you by your shoulders, feeling how much you were trembling and gently moved your head up by your chin. Once he did that, his eyes met your closed ones, noticing how pale and how blue your skin had gotten. You were so fucking cold.
And so he picked you up and took you inside his house, laying your weakened body onto the couch.
He cursed at himself for always being so disorganised and messy and tried finding blankets or anything warm to put over your frame. Removing your thick jacket, he hung it somewhere and wrapped you in the blankets.
Then he went on his knees to be at eye level with you and took your cheek into his hand.
"(Y/n)? Hey, are you okay?" he'd ask so softly, brushing your hair away to stare at your beautiful face a little longer.
You stirred a little and managed to crack open your eyes, your sight being blurry for a few moments before they focused on the man close to you.
"D-Dazai?" you croaked tiredly, still trembling.
A big sigh left him at that and he spoke, "What were you thinking? Who sits onto the snow and stays there until they freeze to death?" he rambled concerned as you grabbed his hand on your cheek.
"Shhh you're so loud, quiet down."
He rolled his eyes playfully before letting go of you, "Fine, but only because you're cute. I'll make tea for you,"
You didn't answer and waited until he served you the hot drink.
As the time passed, you could smell the tea's scent, thinking it was familiar to you.
When Dazai returned, he told you to sit up and sat beside you, handing over the tea.
You sniffed at it and looked over at him with a bright smile.
"Matcha green tea?"
He chuckled and ruffled his brown hair, "Yup. I really liked it when you made it for me that night and now every time I prepare it, you're on my mind,"
I think of her so much, it drives me crazy.
A blush covered your cheeks at that and took a sip from it, instantly feeling better.
"Thank you, Dazai."
"Now care to explain to me why the fuck you pulled this stunt?"
You sighed before replying, "I don't know I just... remembered you and realised we hadn't talked in ages and then the thought of you dying had me very scared and I suddenly couldn't think about anything else and yeah I came here and waited for you,"
Dazai just stared at you blankly, feeling terrible from the inside.
"You didn't have to do that, that's so unnecessary, why would you go through so much trouble to see me? I'm no one special and honestly no one would care if I died-"
"Shut up!" you grabbed his shirt tightly, staring deadly into his eyes.
"Don't you ever say that again! You mean something to me, you know. You're important to me," you put a hand to his cheek as he sat there speechless and surprised.
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