Sometimes, things go south, fast.

Your Spice Empire gets destroyed, the ketchup faction is upon your business, and the butchers have found your bunker. A typical Tuesday. The life of an apocalyptic chef is one of turmoil and wonderment.

In times like this, you have to pack up your knives and run to the hills before you are turned into a shiskechef. But what to take with you so you can survive long enough not to die? Well, if it were me, I would take a bottle of vinegar, a bottle of oil, a few eggs, and salt. With those three ingredients, I can survive solely on the bounties of the land, eating herbs and vegetables I find on the way in the form of salads.

I can make numerous types of dressing with only those elements, and I can eat salads without cooking, thus avoiding fire which would alert my pursuers. As long as you have those elements, you won't starve to death.

A salad is, generally speaking, a hot or cold dish with mixed vegetables, cut into pieces and seasoned, mainly with salt, oil, and vinegar. Eggs are also used in some seasonings, such as the fables mayonnaise. If you don't like mayonnaise, then you can simply draw a face on your egg to have a companion to talk to as you walk through the wilderness. I named mine "Eggbert."

Salads are an incredible source of energy, vitamins, and even proteins, as they are a white canvas for a variety of flavors, from meats, to vegetables, cheeses, and even fruits. The possibilities are endless here. You can possibly make a salad out of everything you can find on the road. Except rocks. You have to boil them first, and you don't have time to do that.

Salads, as they are rich in green components and in vinegar, prepare the stomach for heavier meals. They do not have a specific recipe, although there are famous salads and with a proper name like the cesar salad, but generally they have a few common ingredients, like lettuce.

Like pasta, salad has many ways to prepared, they are easy to make, and its dirt cheap, mostly because the ingredients are found in the dirt.

Types of Salads:

Simple:

Composed of one or more traditional basic elements, such as: Lettuce, tomato and onion.

They are seasoned at the moment, so as not to spoil the texture of the vegetables, and that they have the aspect of freshly made. But the vinaigrette can be prepared in advance. Always add the vinaigrette just before eating, because if you do it before, it will make your salad soft and yucky. As for what is a vinaigrette...we will tackle that later.

Compound Salads:

These in turn can be subdivided into two groups:

1. Non-traditional: These salads use non-traditional ingredients, such as fruits, flowers, berries, cheeses, etc.

2. Warm: These salads are made up of different ingredients that are cooked and they are served hot, are generally prepared at the time of serving, and are considered as companions.

Classics:

They are those that have a designation of origin and a registered name, and therefore never vary since they use specific ingredients. For example, Waldorf, Caesar, Niçoise, and Caprese salads.

But in a broad way, to make a salad, you can follow this trusty formula, and you will always find yourself with a salad.

Vegetables(Raw/Grilled/Picked) + Dressing (Vinaigrette/Mayonnaise)

And that's it. As long as you have those two elements, you can make any salad you want. Of course, you can add texture and flavor by adding any other extra you want, such as flowers, cheeses, fruits, nuts, and tears of sadness for a bygone era. You can also add proteins!

Most common ingredients:

Greens: The base of many salads is usually a leafy vegetable such as:

1. Lettuce varieties: romaine, oak leaf, Chinese cabbage, iceberg, American etc.

2. River herbs: lamb's lettuce, watercress, arugula, etc.

3. Spinach or raw chard.

Vegetables: All vegetables have a place in salads, preferably in them! In addition to the most common ingredients, such as tomato, onion, garlic, carrot, and cucumber, we can also add raw pepper or roasted vegetables such as celery, radish, mushrooms, etc.

Nuts: Nuts such as walnuts, hazelnuts, pine nuts or almonds can be added.

Fruits: Among the fruits most used to prepare salads are: oranges, apples, melons, pear, and pineapple.

Elements of animal origin: Among the most common elements we have: hard-boiled eggs, cheeses, canned fish, ham, chicken.

Flowers: Many flowers are edible, and add spiciness, bitterness, and color to a salad. Some of the most common are carnation, chrysanthemum, citrus blossoms, cornflower, dandelion, day lily, dianthus, daisy, geranium, hollyhock, honeysuckle, jasmine, lavender, lilac, marigold, nasturtium, pansy, passionflower, clover, and rose.

O

thers: Products such as pasta, rice, potatoes, beans, olives, etc. are also added.

How to make a salad and not die in the process:

Making a salad is no joke. You are putting your life, nay, your entire future at risk by making a salad. The wrong cut, and even the wrong produce, will make you have explosive diarrhea, which is the second-worst kind of explosion during the apocalypse.

Every vegetable, whether you picked it up from the side of the road as you hide in your safety ditch because you heard a roaring motorcycle gang roaming nearby, or picked from the grocery store, must be properly disinfected, as they might still have bacteria and pesticides on them, which make you go icky. Or die.

The first thing we need to do is clean the vegetables with soap and running water.

For leafy vegetables like lettuce, it is imperative that you first wash them with running water, and then you put them in a recipient full of water with at least 3% vinegar or chlorine-based bleach to kill the bacteria that might be stuck there. Yes, bleach. Don't worry, you will then rinse it out. All restaurants use bleach to clean their leafy vegetables. Since they are acidic, they kill bacteria. That's a secondary use to our emergency vinegar.

Cuts: Depending on the type of salad, presentation or decoration we want perform, we must choose an appropriate type of cut. Do not use excessively large cuts as you must be able to put vegetable in your mouth without sticking out.

For example: Lettuce must be cut in the chiffonade style, meaning, separating the leaves, rolling a bunch, then cutting them in strips. It's more malleable than putting the whole thing down on a salad.

Dressings: salads should be seasoned when served as certain leaves tend to wilt. Do not use excess seasonings. And speaking of dressing...

Dressings:

No, you won't find any dressing on the ruins of your local Forever 21. Nobody who eats goes there. A dressing is any seasoning you add to a salad. I don't know when was the last time you took a bite out of a salad, but they are more texture than flavor. To add any good flavor to a salad, you must add a dressing. Out of the most common, you have the following:

Mayonnaise:

Mayonnaise, also known as the forbidden pudding,  is a cold emulsified sauce made mainly from vegetable oil, egg, vinegar, and salt. Once again, Mr. Egg has to come save your behind. Is it anything Mr. Egg can't do?

The history of mayonnaise (or mayonnaise, as it was originally called) dates back to 1756, in the midst of the Seven Years' War, when French troops seized the fort of Saint Philip under the command of Cardinal and Duke of Richelieu (Prime Minister of Louis XIII), located in the port of Mahón, on the island of Menorca.

One version narrates that Richelieu, after the victory, sent to prepare a banquet to celebrate, and its chef included a new sauce of his own, which carried olive oil and eggs. Another version assures that it was Richelieu who promoted the creation of mayonnaise, by requiring the chef to prepare a meal for him immediately, so the cook had to improvise with what was at hand: eggs and oil.

The truth is that this sauce was called Mayonnaise (making allegory to its place of birth), and when its name became popular, it became French, becoming mayonnaise.

Starting from the base that mayonnaise is an emulsion made with liquid elements and oil, The original recipe has had countless variations.

To make mayonnaise, eggs and oil are beaten with a small portion of vinegar. While these 3 ingredients are beaten, the oil breaks into microscopic drops that are separated by a thin vinegar barrier. For mayonnaise, the emulsifier is lecithin and proteins found in the egg yolk. The acid in the vinegar helps the drops not get in touch with each other and prevents regrouping while the yolk of egg keeps the emulsion stable. The acid of the vinegar also cooks the egg and the possible bacteria in it. It's super easy to make, even a child could it!

In fact, let's make some mayonnaise right now. Now, some purists would say that mayonnaise has to be made by hand, but pardon my french: That's a whole bunch of Escargofuckyourself. You can make mayonnaise in a blender and goes just fine. If you want the arm workout, use a whisk and a bowl, and if not, we use a blender.

MAYONNAISE RECIPE

Mise en Place:

1 Whole Egg Or Egg Yolk(You can use the whole egg, but you will be using more oil as a result, as yolks add extra water.)

1 teaspoon of Vinegar. It can be any type of vinegar. In a pinch, lemon juice works as well.

1/2 cup of oil. Can be any kind of oil.

Salt to taste.

1. In a steel bowl/blender, add the egg, the vinegar, and salt.

2.  Whip/Blend until mixed.

3. While you continue to whip/blend, slowly pour the oil in a steady stream. Slow is the name of the game.

4. Continue whipping/blending while adding the oil until the mixture thickens, like mayonnaise.

5. Done! Be aware that the more oil there is, the thicker it will be. The more vinegar there is, the thinner it will be.

This is the most basic recipe of all. You can add to this anything you want. Add garlic and you have Garlic Mayo. Add honey, or cilantro, or anything you want. The sky is the limit. Might not wanna make chocolate mayonnaise. That's gross.

Vinaigrette:

A vinaigrette is a preparation that is generally served cold and is made from vinegar and oil, to which you can add various flavorings and seasonings. Vinaigrettes are considered a temporary emulsion because they are unstable.

Many types of oils can be used for vinaigrettes and dressings. The light and neutral kinds like canola, sunflower, and corn, are used extensively. Other oils can be used to give flavor. The olive one is very popular. Walnut oils are expensive but add interesting and unique flavors. Oil infusions are also used when making vinaigrettes.

There is also a wide variety of vinegars that can be used. Wine vinegar is the most common, since it is not expensive and its flavor is easily combined with most of the foods.

Other vinegars like apple, balsamic and sherry, along with fruit and herb or garlic, are very popular. Ificic vinegars are also used.

Herbs, fruits, spices, shallots, garlic, mustard, honey, and sugar are just a few of the other ingredients that are used to enhance the flavor of a vinaigrette. These ingredients must be finely chopped before being added. If dry herbs are used, the vinaigrette must rest for at least an hour to let the flavor permeate.

How to make a vinaigrette:

The radius for a basic vinaigrette is 3 parts oil to 1 part vinegar. Of course, it may vary according to taste, but that's about it. Add them in a container and give 'em the old razzle-dazzle.

VINAIGRETTE:

Mise en Place:

4 oz Oil.

1 oz Vinegar.

A pinch of salt.

1. Add the ingredients to a bowl or containers.

2. Mix them.

3. You need more? That's it!

Remember that this is a non-stable emulsion, so it will separate over time just give it a little whisky business and you're golden.

Common salads:

While you can invent your own salads with whatever you have, it is imperative for the Apocalyptic chef to have some basic recipes to fall to when in need. After all, what is a chef but a compendium of knowledge?

CAESAR SALAD:

This classic salad has nothing to do with Julius Caesar, as much as the constant stabbing can make you believe. It was actually created by a man named Caesar Cardini, who operated several restaurants in Mexico and United States. It was a salad that he created in a pinch with leftover ingredients. The original recipe calls for Anchovies, but we don't need to sour the end of the world with more tragedy. I'm saying that anchovies taste like butts.

Mise en Place:

For the dressing:

1/3 cup of Mayonnaise.

1 tablespoon Mustard.

1 Anchovie filet(optional)

1 clove of Garlic, in Brunoise.

Worcestershire Sauce to taste.

For the salad:

10 oz of Lettuce, Sanitized and Chopped in chiffonade.

2 oz Parmesan cheese.

3 oz Croutons(To make croutons, cut any type of bread into cubes and lightly toast them in any type of oven until brown.)

1. Combine the mayonnaise, mustard, garlic, and Worcestershire sauce in a bowl and mix them up. You can add the anchovy here as well, if you have no taste.

2. Add the lettuce and the dressing in a bowl and mix together.

3. Serve on a plate, add croutons and cheese on top.

4. Eat up!

Remember, this is a basic recipe. You can add more things, like chicken, confit tomato, or even more anchovies, you sick freak. FREAK!

COLESLAW SALAD:

The staple of barbecues everywhere. It also tastes like sadness. Don't trust anyone who says they like this salad. You only eat it 'cuz you have to.

Mise en Place:

For the dressing:

2 oz Mayonnaise.

A pinch of Sugar

1 tablespoon Mustard.

For the salad:

7 oz White Cabbage in slim chiffonade.

2 oz Purple Cabbage in slim chiffonade.

2 oz Grated Carrot.

1 oz leek in chiffonade.

1. Add the dressing ingredients in a bowl. Mix together.

2. Mix the vegetables in a bowl. Add the dressing.

3. You might start to see a pattern here, as salads are hella easy to make. You're done, fool!

CAPRESE SALAD:

A

n Italian salad. The Italian salad. It is so Italian that it has the color of the Italian flag. As such, I would recommend caution as making one will surely attract any Italians to your location. Some might be friendly, but some might not.

Mise en Place:

3 oz Vinaigrette.

5 oz Tomatoes, in Rondelle.

5 oz Mozzarella, in Rondelle. That's french for round, maybe!

1 oz Basil.

Salt and Pepper to taste.

1. Place the slices in a plate however you like. We don't have time for things like shingles, man. Life is short. You do you.

2. Sprinkle the whole thing in salt, pepper, and vinaigrette. Finish with basil leaves.

3. Eat that sucker.

And that's it! Hopefully, you will find some wild cheese, and you will be able to survive long enough to find a new safehouse. For now, keep moving, continue eating, and stay frosty!