H.H.S.A Guidebook for New Inhabitants
Originally published in 803 A.D by V. Atticus
Edition 34
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8. There are many eternal destinations besides 'Heaven' and 'Hell'. Very few are damned to hell, and most are simply reincarnated.

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[ L - Day 11 A.D. ]

I woke up for the second time trapped in Ryuzaki's arms, fighting the urge to scream. Sunlight shot in my eyes and I frantically wriggled out of his clutches, half-blind. I fell to the floor, crushing a beer can with my pelvis, and swore loudly. Petrified, I swung my head wildly to the sleeping beast above me. I thought all the commotion would wake him up, but to my surprise he remained fast asleep.

Was it the alcohol? I kept watching him as he continued to sleep peacefully, lips parted.

Well, I've really gone and done it this time, haven't I? Waking up in bed with him once was bad, but twice? It's becoming a habit. For a moment there, I was consumed by an overwhelming urge to bludgeon myself with a brick. Ugh.

Slowly I got to my feet, grumbling to myself. I grabbed my pack of Newports from my bedside table and tiptoed over to the balcony, trying to open the sliding glass door without making noise. A bitter blast of cold air hit me upon opening, so I grabbed a blanket strewn on the ground and wrapped it over my shoulders before stepping outside into the thick fog. Hastily I lit a cigarette and then sat down and curled up into the corner, teeth chattering. My head was still throbbing from last night's drink.

I remember thinking to myself, god, if only I could escape this place a start a new life somewhere far away from any more gangly, long-haired Japanese men hellbent on making my life more difficult than it has to be.

Speaking of which. X.
Fucking prick. That man has an astonishingly high alcohol tolerance - I've seen him consume enough liquor to kill a small animal and not so much as blink. I bit down on my cigarette filter, scowling. No, having Ryuzaki take me to my room last night was entirely premeditated. What was with that loon, trying to get me hitched with that ridiculous, spiky-haired freak?

I have to give him credit, though. He knew to get us drunk before setting us up because god knows I can never feel at ease with that man without a few glasses of wine in me.

The tip of my cigarette crackled as I inhaled, the nicotine stinging the back of my throat as it passed into my lungs. I thought back to last night, trying to recall the conversation I'd had with X.

I'd told him I wanted to write a memoir. What a profoundly stupid idea. Who would ever read such a thing? Well... actually, a lot of people would want to read it if it was about L. The thought put a frown on my face.

"Of course it's all about L." I grumbled.
"...What's all about me?"

I looked up to see Ryuzaki standing behind the doorway, looking down at me quizzically.

"....Nothing." I muttered, my voice hoarse I was so used to being snuck up on that I was past the point of surprise. "Did I wake you up when I was getting out of bed?"
"No, I smelled the smoke. You forgot to close the door."
"Oh. Sorry."
"I didn't know you smoked." He remarked, eyeing my cigarette with distaste. "That's a bad habit to have. No one likes kissing someone who tastes like an ashtray."

"You don't have to worry about that." I scoffed, blowing out a large cloud of smoke up at his face just to spite him. "What, is this a dealbreaker for you?"
"It's not, but expect me to complain."
"Mm, shame..." I murmured, tossing the cigarette butt over the balcony and rifling through my jacket pocket to get another. Just to be spiteful, I looked him dead in the eye as I lit it. He shook his head and smiled, betraying a sort of gentleness I hadn't seen on him. I eyed him warily as he came over and sat down next to me, unbothered.

"I saw you curled up next to X last night." He said, staring out into the mist and yawning. "I really thought I was special for a second there. Is that always how you are when you drink?"

I shot him a dirty look. "What, were you jealous?"
"A little bit, yeah."
"I hope you're kidding. I was drunk. If I had a thing for X, something would've happened years ago."
"That's harsh. I was just worried I'd have competition. There isn't any, right?"

I shook my head and sighed.
"We're both jealous and petty, aren't we?"

He smiled faintly. "So you're admitting you're jealous?"
"I won't comment on the matter."

He turned to look me in the eye, and I was startled by the intensity of his gaze.
"Above, can I be completely honest with you?" He asked.
"Since when have you needed to ask permission? Say what you want." I answered, though my stomach churned.

"I really am interested in you, but I have no idea what you're thinking or how to move forward. I'm entirely beholden to you and your will. I don't want to ask you to go out with me because with our history, that might be asking for too much. I don't know what you think of me... but you should know that I have feelings for you, and put that into consideration."

I was quiet for a long time.
Just like that, he confessed. He really isn't one to beat around the bush, is he? My cigarette hung from my lips, and smoke to drifted up and stung my eye. Blinking, I flicked away the half-smoked stick and curled up, leaning forward with my knees against my chest. My exhaustion had me too tired to reply any way but truthfully.

"...Sorry." I mumbled. "I've thought about this too. I know you've been running in circles because of me and I keep sending mixed signals. You deserve a straight answer. I... guess I have 'feelings' for you too, however vague and uncertain they may be."

Ryuzaki's whole face lit up, and he broke out into a broad smile.
"Really?"
"Yeah, well, don't get your hopes up." I told him. "What do you even have in mind for us? Lovers? Isn't that absurd, knowing our history? With that kind of baggage, I can't imagine us ever having a simple relationship."

"...Maybe. But that's just something we'll have to figure out on the way, I guess." He replied with a small shrug. "I say we revel in our complexities."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Ryuzaki yawned. "Dunno, but it sounded nice in my head."

I sighed. "I have no idea what we're doing here, so you can have the burden of defining whatever this is."

Ryuzaki frowned. "What? Aren't you a part of this too?"
"Yeah, but you're the aggressor here. I've always been the passive one."
"That's not true. You're the one who started it when we were drinking, and yesterday you kissed me. I'm the one being dragged around by your whims, not the other way around."

"Still." I shot back, embarrassed. "You barged into my afterlife, so this is on you. I'm not going to say anything on the matter."

Ryuzaki sighed. "There's no winning with you, is there? Well, fine. Should I ask you out?"
"I'll slap you."
"Then you just want to be friends?"
"Do you kiss your friends?"
"Well, what else do you call a relationship like this?"

"I don't know. Like... 'significant others'? Isn't that the term?"
He frowned. "Isn't 'significant other' just another word for a lover?"

I opened my mouth to protest, but was cut off as Ryuzaki laughed and took the opportunity to lean in and kiss me.

"Actually, let's go 'significant other'." He said, grinning. "I really do wish you wouldn't smoke, though."

I frowned and prodded him in the side, before sighing and leaning on his shoulder.

"Well, you'd better used to it." I said. "I've been smoking a lot longer than I've known you."
Ryuzaki frowned. "Wow, way to make me feel special.
"Oh, do you want me to say that I care about you then?" I crooned. "That I'll quit with the nicotine because I want to make you happy?"

"I mean, that would be nice..."
"Oh, shut up."

Ryuzaki chuckled. He had a cute laugh; breaking into a small smile and closing his eyes - so different from his usual expressionless face.
Wrinkling my brow, I poked his cheek.

"Ow, your nails are sharp." He complained, rubbing his face. "What did I do?"
"Nothing. Did you know you only have one dimple?" I put a finger on the indent by his right cheek. "See? Your left side doesn't have one."

"Really?" Ryuzaki's put a hand to his face. "...I never noticed."
"That's because you don't pay enough attention to notice."
"Is that supposed to be a dig at me for not putting effort into my appearance or something?"
"I didn't say that. You don't need to worry about it."

Ryuzaki grinned at this. "That's a roundabout way of saying I'm attractive. Thanks. You're pretty cute too."
"That's not what I said, dumbass. Don't be so full of yourself." I said, rolling my eyes.

"Why not? It's not like you'd ever compliment me directly; quite the opposite - you show affection by insulting me. I have to boost my ego somehow." He scooted closer to me, taking my hand and intertwining it with his. He then closed his eyes and leaned on my shoulder, still tired from last night.

I stiffened, startled by the sudden gesture of affection. Honestly, I was afraid that my hands would sweat. My heart began to beat faster, and a nervous energy filled my chest, swelling to the point where I felt like I was going to burst. I was caught between wanting to run away and wanting to curl up closer. Is this what it means to have 'feelings' for someone? I didn't realise it was meant so literally.

Is that what my soul anomaly is? This twisted feeling in my heart? Is it a stubborn pride that keeps me from pursuing my desires? A lack of said desires in the first place? No... it's not something worth speculating about, anyways. More importantly, will I be able to stay this way? Won't this just die out the moment it comes to life? Until the universe extinguishes this flickering feeling, and with it my very existence?

"...How long do you think this will last?" I said suddenly, breaking the peaceful silence. "Before I Crumble, I mean. Don't you think this could be what fixes me? What fixes you?"

I saw Ryuzaki's eyes cloud over.
"Maybe it will, but I'll still be with you anyways. You shouldn't worry about me. I've decided that I won't Crumble until Light is killed and comes here, to the Halfway House. He knows English, so theres a good chance he'll end up here. That's the only way I'll move on."
"Light? Is that Kira's name?"
He nodded. "His name is Light Yagami. He's a college student from Japan. His dad's a police chief, and both of them were members of the Kira task force."
"Wait," I said, sitting up. "He was on your task force the whole time? How could you let that happen?"
"I brought him into the investigation because I suspected he was Kira."
"So you're telling me you knew he was Kira, and you didn't do anything about it?"

"I was never entirely sure until my last moments alive." Ryuzaki said. "As I laid dying, he sneered down at me triumphantly. I only wish I could've used the last of my strength to strangle the man."

I stared down at our intertwined hands, a bleakness hanging over me.
"A college student, huh? From what X told me about him, I figured he was young."
"He was a high school student when the killings started. He's a very smart man, but very naive and narcissistic. He must've thought he was a god."

"You should've killed him." I said, rather flatly. "Your intuition has never been wrong. You should've shot him the moment you were reasonably certain he was Kira."

Ryuzaki shook his head.
"I could have never done that. Maybe you could accept the consequences, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I was wrong. Besides, that's not how I do things. If I'm right, I'll capture him fair and square."
"Yeah, and look how that turned out." I said flatly, not sparing any thought for sensitivities. "Sometimes you have to sacrifice conventional morality in the pursuit of something more important. Break a few eggs to make an omelet and all that."

"I'm not one to compromise my principles." He said. "In hindsight maybe I should've, but knowing what I did at the time I firmly believe I made the right decision."
"Well maybe I'm more jaded than you, but I wouldn't have thought twice about putting a bullet between his eyes. I don't see why you should be merciful towards those who would never do the same. It only puts you at a disadvantage."
"...You're probably right." He admitted with a sigh. "When I say 'principles' I really just mean my own pride. I suppose we're both proud people."
"And that's why we're always butting heads." I said. "You're uncompromising in your ideals even with someone like Kira, and I'm too proud to make any concessions. Of course we don't get along."

Ryuzaki smiled faintly. "You have a point. But, I can make concessions if it's for you, I think."
I raised an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"
"It means I'm willing to swallow my pride if it makes you happy."
I rolled my eyes. "And I'm not, so I'll get my way all the time. See what I mean by not being merciful to people who wouldn't do the same?"

"That's fine. I'm okay with you getting your way." He said with a shrug, and then kissed my cheek. "If it means you'll let me stay with you."
"...Well, aren't you the romantic?"
He grinned. "What, you don't like it?"
"I don't trust anyone who's smooth with their words. I appreciate a bad liar."
"Really? Then, you're ugly and I'm only here because I pity you."
I flicked the side of his head and he laughed, burying his head in the crook of my neck. His hair tickled my jaw and I went completely still, heart caught in my throat. Tentatively I touched his arm, which was resting beside mine.

"Ryuzaki."
"Mm..?"
He lifted his head and looked up at me. I stared down at the heavy circles under his eyes, even more prominent after a night of drinking. His eyes were pools of black, wide and in stark contrast with his pale, luminescent face.

"Thank you. For everything."

He blinked, confused, before laughing.
"What?" I said, rather defensively. "Fine, next time I'll keep it to myself."
"No, no, I just think you're cute is all." He smiled and kissed me again. "Of course."

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[ A - Day 2,652 A.D. ]

To the readers of my memoir,

So clearly, I've decided to go ahead and write this. In being with Ryuzaki, I've discarded much of my pride and have figured out what I need to do to be at peace with my own mortality. The human urge to memorialise themselves is a pointless one, but it exists in us all, and there's no point in denying my longing to be remembered.

I'm writing this the day after the events detailed in this chapter, sitting at my desk in the library with a word processor hidden behind a stack of books.
I'll probably give this to X for safekeeping after I Crumble, as I have a feeling that my days are numbered. But I've made peace with that. 'We are but dust, and to dust we shall return'. It's wiser to simply accept the impermanent nature of our existence.

I'll continue writing events as they unfold until I'm gone. I figure here is as good a place as any to properly convey my intentions in writing this. Ever since that night I've felt like I'm beginning to die. It's a surprisingly peaceful process.
No matter what happens in heaven or on earth, the sun will continue to rise. The moon will wax and wane. Understanding this can cause great agony, knowing that at the end of the day we are but witnesses to a world much larger than us. But it also produces a profound sense of peace. Embracing the world's pointlessness.

I doubt that more than a dozen people will read these accounts. I've never craved recognition or notoriety so it doesn't matter much to me, but it's interesting to entertain the idea. I want to address those that I suspect will come upon this while I'm here. Maybe Kira himself will come across this - Ryuzaki says that the Death Note states that users can neither go to Heaven nor Hell, and the power to kill should surely form a deeply embedded soul anomaly. He's waiting for him, after all.

So to Light Yagami: It's deeply unfair that you were corrupted by your 'Death Note'. You could've led a virtuous life, but instead you deigned yourself arbiter of worldly morals and made a royal ass out of yourself. What sort of ending have you earned? I'm guessing that once your anomaly is resolved, you'll either become a shinigami or you'll cease to exist entirely. For the world's sake, I hope it's the latter. I pray you fade into nothingness.

To X: Thank you for everything. You're one of three people who I've ever felt understands me. Thank you for always being by my side, for being my aloof and dependable companion. I'll miss you. Take care of this place for me, will you?

To B: If we aren't meant to reunite - hey. I've missed you. I'm sorry for leaving you then. I know my being with Ryuzaki will upset you, but try to see things from my perspective, and please try to forgive him for my sake.

To my predecessors: Don't pity me. I didn't write this to gain anyone's sympathy. All I ask from you is to keep me in your heart, and to accept the lessons interwoven in the seams of my life. Don't try to rationalise the events that led you here. You should be smart enough to recognise the source of your soul anomaly. Draw out that pain, and immerse yourself into it fully. I've discovered that this is the only way you can move on.

To Ryuzaki, since I'm sure you'll read this: I thought you'd appreciate total honesty in these accounts more than if I omitted my less than favourable thoughts to protect your ego. Know that I hold nothing against you, and I will always hold you dear to my heart. I don't know what will become of me, but I sincerely believe that a part of you will always be with me, and I hope that a part of me will always be with you, too. Can that be called love? If so, then I love you, I guess. Sorry, I know I'm not a romantic.

I'm still not quite sure of what message I'm trying to convey here. There's a heavy feeling laden in my heart, but I can't put it into words and it frustrates me. Like... dusk settling on your shoulders on a hot summer night. Or going to the beach on a foggy day and staring out at the black waters. Ethereal, contemplative maybe? I'll try my best to recreate the feeling here, and I hope it will be enough.

Please keep me in your heart. I don't want my soul to fade away, and this is my way of desperately trying to impress some of me into you, so that I can live on in your soul. I don't want to vanish without a trace. Is that an understandable desire?
I hope you can come to sympathise, and allow me to continue living.

I wish you all well in your endeavours.

- Above

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