H.H.S.A Guidebook for New Inhabitants
Originally published in 803 A.D by V. Atticus
Edition 34

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7. A small handful of people will stay in the Halfway House for much longer than usual (the record is just over eight years). These people typically have deeply set Anomalies that were formed by severe injustices spanning most of their lives, as opposed to a singular event. Thus, their souls are more thoroughly damaged, taking longer to heal.

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[ L - Day 10, A.D. ]

The first few weeks after L's arrival would not treat me kindly. I found myself retreating even further from general society than I had before, spending most of my time holed up in the library. I'd begun reading various religious texts and hadn't slept in over a week. X and Ryuzaki had become rather friendly in my absence, and after days of this both had gotten into the habit of regularly checking in on me, only furthering my desire to hide from the world.

One evening after finishing a comprehensive book on Eastern philosophy, I sat in my armchair in the library, dazed, revelling at my miserable state. It was ridiculous, how cowardly I was being. Too afraid to face Ryuzaki, too ashamed to speak to X. I knew that as time went on things would only get more convoluted, but I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. My brain was nothing more than a muddled collection of pathologies and esoteric literature.

I realised with a start that I hadn't eaten in several days. Not a big deal since I don't need food, but I was craving something sweet. Anything to replace the sullen grey mush in my stomach. My joints creaked as I got up. I yawned and stretched, blinking away my lethargy. I vaguely remember thinking that I should take better care of myself.

I left the library and walked to the lift, bringing with me a small bag. I planned on going down to the Communal Hall to get food and head back to the library before anyone had a chance to bother me. For some reason, the less I want to be talked to, the more people seem to want to bother me. It was just past eight, so I was hoping that the dinner crowd had left by now.

As I got off on the ground floor I pulled up my hoodie over my head (a measly attempt at disguise), and went over to the vending machine for sweets. What were my options? Macaroons, hot chocolate, cookies... I decided to just get one of everything. As I was trying to cram everything into my bag, I heard footsteps approaching me. I looked up and my heart sank. Beaming down at me was none other than Alyosha, witness to Ryuzaki and I's crimes.

"Above! I haven't seen you in so long!" She exclaimed through her thick Russian accent.
"Oh..." I managed a pained smile. "Sorry for missing so many meetings. I've been busy with the new Inhabitant lately."
Uh huh. Busy.
"Oh, don't worry! Ah, about the new Inhabitant - I'm very sorry about X. I was just so surprised! I promise I didn't tell anyone else."
"Uhm... okay..."

"He is named Ryuzaki, right?" She went on. "He is very sweet; he came to the last meeting. I think he will become an Initiative. Luca likes him very much."
"Luca?" I repeated.
"Yes! He had the cutest face talking to Ryuzaki! I never known he likes men until now." She gushed."Oh! But, he is not your boyfriend, right?"

"He's not." I replied, narrowing my eyes. I'd gotten myself into a regrettable situation. "Luca's obviously gay, Ly. How did you not pick up on that?"

"He is? Ah, in Sverdlovsk they killed you for that, so I don't know. Oh! I have a question."
"What is it?"
"Your name. Above means 'выше', right?"
"...'Vyshe'? What? I don't speak Russian, Irina."
"Er, like..." She raised her hand over her head and waved it around.
"On top of?"
"Yes!"
"Yeah, that's what above means."
"Then Above is a name, also?"
"No, not really. It's an unconventional name."
"A... what?"
"It's not a normal name, just like X."
"Ah, I see! Thank you. I don't know why I'm in an English house even though my speaking is so poor." She said, sighing. Suddenly her eyes lit up at something behind me at the Hall entrance. "Oh, look Above! The men are here."

I turned to see Ryuzaki walking trough the doors with Simon and Luca. He did seem to fancy Ryuzaki; hanging close to his side with a smile. My eyes narrowed. I hadn't exactly kept close tabs on him, but clearly Ryuzaki was settling in well. And with Luca of all people.

Luca's never seemed to like me. When he first came here he was very meek and reluctant to talk until I introduced him to the others, and suddenly he was energetic and lively. He quickly befriended Aleida and became an Initiative, so I didn't see much of him after that. Later, Aleida told me that he'd said I was 'intimidating ' and too standoffish to be a good Senior Initiative.

"Luca! Ryuzaki! Simone!" Alyosha cried, waving her hands before dragging me over to them. It took everything I had not to wrench my hand out and make a run for it.

«моя люблю!» She exclaimed, throwing her arms around Simon. "You promised me a date, remember?" She waved us goodbye and proceeded to take him away farther forcefully, leaving Ryuzaki, Luca, and I all standing together uncomfortably.

"...Above, how are you?" Ryuzaki asked, a tad awkward.
"Fine." I said. "Glad to see you're getting along with the others."
"Yeah. X introduced me to all the Initiatives a few days ago."
I glanced over at Luca.

"-Good to see you, Above..." He said, looking nervous. Luca's always seemed to be scared of me. When he first came here, he very quickly befriended Aleida and became an Initiative.

I nodded curtly, ignoring him to focus on Ryuzaki.
"Can I talk to you outside?" I said.
"...Sure." He glanced over at Luca, apologetic. "Sorry. I'll talk to you about it later, okay?"
"Sure, Ryu." Luca replied. "Have a good night, both of you."
Ryu? Really? I turned away wordlessly, leaving Ryuzaki to chase after me.

"Hey, are you okay?" Ryuzaki asked once we were in the hallway, stopping to catch his breath. "You look like you're not taking care of yourself."
"I'm perfectly capable of managing myself, Ryuzaki."
"Right... sorry, that was poorly phrased." He muttered.

I stayed quiet, and after an awkward pause he said,
"So um... what did you want to talk about?"

Now that he mentioned it, what did I want to say? I'd called him here completely on a whim and didn't stop to think this far ahead.

"I... just wanted to ask what you've been up to. I still have to keep an eye on you, you know."
"Oh... I've been okay. I'm settling in well. I've been getting along with X and Luca and the others."
My expression darkened.
"Right. Luca, huh?"
"Yeah... why, is there something you don't like about him? You were giving him the cold shoulder just now."
I decided to just come out with it.
"He fancies you, you know."
Ryuzaki seemed sceptical.
"And how would you know that?"
"Alyosha told me just now. Are you interested in him?"
"What? No, why would I?" He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "What, are you jealous?"

I shot him a venomous look. Unbelievable, that man.
"Jealous?" I scoffed, my temper flaring with a swelling of my chest. "You think too highly of yourself."
Ryuzaki shook his head and sighed.
"I don't get it. First you yell at me, come onto me drunk and then tell me to forget about it, vanish for a week, and now you're upset because you think a guy fancies me? What am I supposed to make of that, Above?"
"Figure it out yourself. Aren't you supposed to be smart?"
"I just don't get it. Did I do something to get on your bad side, or are you actually jealous of Luca?"

My eyes flashed with anger.
"I - you know what, no. This is absurd." I shouldered past him, planning to head back upstairs, but he caught my hand before I could go.

"Wait." He said. The desperation in his eyes was enough to give me pause. "Look Above, I know words aren't exactly your forte, but could you please talk to me? I really do like you, you know. I don't want to upset you."

I whipped around and shot him a furious look. Absolutely livid, I wrenched my wrist from his grip.
"Like me? What's that supposed to mean?!"
"Isn't that obvious? I've always been candid with you, haven't I? Could you stop sending mixed signals and just tell me how you feel already, so I can stop falling over myself trying to figure you out?"
"How I feel - what are you, my girlfriend?! You want me to confess my love for you, is that what this is? Well have it your way, then!"

Still smouldering with rage, I stepped forward and kissed him.
He blinked, stunned, but after a moment kissed me back. Things escalated quickly. The sensation was intoxicating; melting anger into lust. A hand running up my shirt that I didn't expect stunned me to my senses. I paused for a second before pushing him away roughly, wiping off my mouth.

"Does that clear things up?" I caught a glimpse of his bewildered expression and then left, stalking off down the hall with my heart racing wildly.

My lips were hot in the wake of his touch and it filled me with a nervous energy. I walked briskly past the lift and towards X's room the hall over. I didn't bother to knock and barged right in. X's hair was down and he was shirtless, smoking a cigarette and reading a book on his bed.

"Above?" He closed his book, looking curious. "You ok?"

I shut the door behind me, staring down at my feet with wide eyes.
"I'm a fool."
"I know. You look awful, by the way. What happened?"
"I uh... I kissed Ryuzaki in the hall just now."
"Really now? Did you kiss him or did he kiss you?"
"The former."

X let out a low whistle.
"Wow, look at you go... what made you do it?"
"I got jealous." I said, eyeing the bottle of vodka at my feet. "Hey, mind if I take that?" I didn't wait for his answer and picked it up, walking to his sliding door leading to the balcony. I stepped out into the chilly air and sat down with my legs dangling over the ledge, clutching the bottle in my hand.

X joined me after a minute, carrying two shot glasses.
"Hey, can I bum a cig?" I asked as he popped open the bottle. He handed me his pack of Pall Malls and lit both his cigarette and mine as I put it to my mouth. Smoke drifted in the night air, mingling with the fog hovering over us.

"So, you gonna talk about it?" He asked.
"Give me a minute." I put up a finger and downed my first shot, before pouring another.

"Hey, don't get too wasted." He warned. "I'm not Ryuzaki. I'll kick you if you try to kiss me."
"Shut up. Even drunk, I have standards."
X snickered at this. "You know, I feel bad for the guy, having to put up with you as a partner. You must drive him mad."
"Yeah? Well, you'll just have to comfort him, won't you?"
"What's that mean?"
"It means stop gossiping about me with Ryuzaki."

X scoffed. "Oh, come on.What did you expect us to do?"
I scowled and shook my head. "I never should've let you near him. I'm sure you've been putting all sorts of ridiculous ideas in his head."
"And if I am? You do like him, don't you?"

I opened my mouth, and then shut it again. Instead of replying I angrily bit down on my cigarette filter.
"See?" He said. "You may not realise it, but it's obvious you fancy the guy. Just be honest with yourself."
"Yeah, and then what? I think you're forgetting that he's L. That's kind of a whole fucking thing I'm deal with right now. And you said yourself that our personalities clash hopelessly."
"Opposites attract. The way I see it, your history only makes your bond even more compelling."

I frowned. I didn't want to admit it, but he had a point. I downed another shot of vodka grumpily, and tossed my cigarette butt over the balcony and into the foggy abyss before lighting another.

"And if I do fancy him? Look, X. You're probably right in thinking that if I get together with Ryuzaki there's a good chance I'll Crumble. But why the hell would I want that?"

"You can't stay here forever. Aren't you the one always saying we all Crumble one day? Aren't you tired?"

"...Of course I'm tired." I said, letting out a sigh. "But Ryuzaki is a reminder that death is on my doorstep, truly this time. I'm not ready to leave just yet. Isn't it our most primal instinct to fear death? Of course I'm scared."
"What? You don't fear death. You chose to die by your own hands. What's it really?"

I groaned and rubbed my eyes until my vision blurred.
"I don't know, X. But I'm not ready to Crumble. I still have unfinished business."
"Like..?"

I thought about this for a moment, pausing to gulp down some more liquor.
"Ugh... that burns." I wrinkled my nose at the bitter aftertaste. "No, I was wrong. Our most primal instinct isn't the fear of death; it's the fear of meaninglessness, insignificance. People die willingly every day so long as it's for good reason. I was raised to become something great, but I died as nobody. My only legacy is of failure. A warning to kids not to be weak like me. I can't go down in history like that."
"...But what can you do about it? You're already dead. You can't change the past, so what's the point?"

"It's not about other people. I'm yet to find meaning in my own existence. Maybe I've spent too much time in the library, but the way I see it our lives are like books. Mundane stories can be profound, and action-packed adventures can be shallow and convey nothing. It's about the impression it leaves, what emotions and concepts resound within the reader. My life is only known to a handful of people, but thats not why I'm dissatisfied. I'm dissatisfied because it's about nothing but failure and cowardice. It's meaningless."

X nodded slowly.
"I get what you mean. You need to define it for yourself. But I still think Ryuzaki can be your answer. Couldn't forgiveness give you the depth you're looking for?"

I shook my head.
"No, the answer is never in another person. I... want a record of my life. How about that? Anyone who learns of me has a high chance of ending up in this godforsaken place anyways. I'll write a memoir, and that way I can't be forgotten."

X seemed dubious. I ignored his scepticism and sighed loudly, deciding to fall down in his lap and close my eyes. He was bony, and his knee jutted into my side. I shifted around, trying to get more comfortable.

"What are you doing?"
"Don't get the wrong idea." I grumbled. "I realised when I was with Ryuzaki that I enjoy the warmth of other people."
"That's a sad thing to only just be realising." He muttered. "It reminds me of something from Japan... it's often said that winter is the season where we long for human warmth."
"Mm... I don't trust you and your sayings. Once you told me 'don't let your daughter-in-law eat your autumn eggplants' when you were drunk and told me it was a Japanese thing."
"It is!" He exclaimed. "It means don't let people take advantage of you."
"Where the hell is it so common for daughter-in-laws to steal your eggplants that it became a saying?!"
"Japan, apparently. Your nukes really messed us up, you know."
"I'm British, not American."
"Yeah, well, no one wants your autumn eggplants anyway."
I shook my head and smiled.

The vodka was starting to kick in. I felt like I was floating, drifting along in an open sea, through rocky waters. I thought it funny that vodka had made me sleepy, but rosé had infused me with a wild energy. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

I'm not sure how long I sat there, but some time later when someone lifted me up over their shoulders I was nearly asleep. His shoulder blades prodded my chest, and with my arms clutching his neck I could feel his collarbones.

I tentatively opened an eye and found that my face was buried into a mess of long black hair, tickling my neck. I sighed and closed them again.
'Winter is the season where we long for human warmth'.
Maybe there was a grain of truth in that. Consumed by bitter cold with bleak times ahead, we reach out for the warmth of another. A wholly human urge.

There was shuffling as X opened my door. I smiled to myself as he tiptoed past all the scattered books and dirty clothes on the floor, trying his best not to disturb me. I was surprised that he didn't just barge in and kick everything aside.

He turned on the heater and lowered me into bed, draping a blanket over my shoulders. It was odd to see X acting so gentle and considerate. Was he really just a big softie after all?

I feigned sleep as he paused and stood over me. Vaguely I wondered what he was thinking. And then suddenly, he leaned down and kissed my forehead.

My eyes shot open to find Ryuzaki staring back at me, stunned. His face was flushed, either from embarrassment or drink.

"R-Ryuzaki?! I thought you were X."
"I... had a few beers with X after you fell asleep. He asked me to take you to your room for him." He looked utterly mortified. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean anything by it, really. I'm kind of drunk. Thought you were asleep."

"Oh - uhm, it's okay..." I mumbled, unsure of how to react in my own intoxicated state. "Are you sure you didn't mean anything by it?"

He blinked, puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"I dunno. Just wondering."

"It doesn't mean anything if you don't want it to." He said, though I couldn't comprehend his words. "If you want, just pretend nothing happened, okay? Sorry again. I'll leave now."

He started to go, but stopped before taking a step. I had grabbed the end of his shirt and held it between my thumb and index finger, head bowed.
"Wait."
He paused, then turned around, dumbfounded. "...Yeah?"
"Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?" I asked. "I'm sorry for being so harsh with you. I don't mean anything by it either if you don't want, ok?"

The look on his face seemed to be a conglomeration of several different emotions that I struggled to identify - stricken, confused... hopeful, maybe? It could have been my imagination. After a moment of hesitation, he nodded assent.
I moved to make room for him, and hesitantly he climbed into bed with me, laying on his back. I curled up beside him to soak in the heat radiating from his skin. My forehead pressed against his torso, like a sick child with a warm compress. It melted the cold encroaching on me and left me with a naive abandon, emboldening me to come closer. I could feel how stiff he was at first, but eventually he relaxed and shifted to his side, put his other arm over me.

I'll just say this - I've never been held so intimately in my twenty-some years of existing. Never. I think it means a lot that someone as jaded and emotionally repressed as me found it within myself to trust him entirely with my body.
Being enclosed within Ryuzaki could either be a layer of protection and comfort or a suffocating trap. Well, I suppose it's the former, because I quickly fell asleep.

It had been so long since I'd slept. For a week I'd been dragging myself along, surviving on coffee and existential dread. I'd left myself out on the stark cold hoping that it would keep my blood flowing. But by letting myself be enveloped and immersed into another, the stiffness in my body thawed and I was able to drift off in warm, steady waters, with Ryuzaki's presence keeping me afloat.

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