when I'm losing my control, the city spins around you're the only one who knows, you slow it down

the crowd's cheers faded into a dull hum as my chest tightened. I couldn't look away. It was him.my feet felt rooted into the floor, as if the polished floor beneath me had turned to quicksand. he looked the same—too much the same. the same smug grin, the same overconfident posture that had once drawn me in and then trapped me however, above that smirk, his eyes were dark, cold, emotionless. my stomach turned as a sickening wave of memories crashed over me. next to him was a girl, who was talking in his ear but, he wasn't paying any attention to her. i looked away, over to the girls, noticing aubrey's eyes on me. she had a concerned look on her face.

I blinked, forcing myself to focus on the present. the victorious crowd surged around me, students in blue and white hugging and high-fiving. the buzz of celebration should have been contagious, but it really wasn't.

why was he here?

I turned sharply, pushing past people in the stands, my pulse hammering in my ears. someone called my name, and i would recognize this voice everywhere. it was aubrey but I couldn't stop. my only thought was to get out, to put as much distance between him and me as possible.

the arena's hallways were quieter, the roar of the crowd muffled behind thick walls. I pressed myself against the cold wall, trying to steady my breathing. my hands trembled, and I clenched them into fists to make it stop. but the harder I tried to calm down, the worse it got. my chest felt like it was caving in, my breaths coming in short, shallow gasps. my vision blurred, and my hands went numb.

I was having a panic attack.

I slid down the wall, curling into myself as the weight of it all bore down on me. tears streamed down my face as I struggled to breathe, the sound of my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. my mind was a storm of fear and shame, his face flashing behind my closed eyes. I'd escaped him years ago, but in that moment, it felt like he had all the power again.

"ari?"

the voice was distant at first, then closer, more urgent. "ari, it's me. aubrey."

her voice cut through the fog, but I couldn't respond. I felt her hands on my shoulders, grounding me, her presence like a savior in the chaos.

"hey, look at me," she said, her tone steady and calm. "you're safe. I'm here. just breathe with me, okay? In through your nose, out through your mouth. like this."

she exaggerated her breathing, slow and deliberate, and I tried to follow. It took a few tries, but eventually, the tightness in my chest began to ease. my vision cleared enough to see her kneeling in front of me, her eyes full of concern.

"that's it," she said softly. "you're doing great. keep going."

bit by bit, the storm inside me began to settle. my hands stopped shaking, and my breathing evened out. when I finally looked up at her, I saw tears in her eyes too.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice hoarse.

"don't apologize," she said firmly. "you have nothing to be sorry for."

she sat down beside me, her shoulder brushing against mine. for a while, neither of us spoke. the silence wasn't heavy; it was comforting..

"do you... want to tell me what happened?" aubrey asked gently.

I hesitated, then nodded. "I saw my ex. he was here. he...." 

i started, but my voice shook and no words came out. i got over it and continued. "he was my first boyfriend but... he was really controlling and abusive. i've never told anyone this and i want to keep this between us, please." i stopped for a second, looking at aubrey, seeing her nodding her head. "he... sexually assaulted me when i was sixteen and he was twenty-two."

her expression darkened, but she didn't interrupt. I told her everything, haltingly at first, then in a rush—about the years of control and manipulation, about how seeing him tonight had brought it all back. by the time I finished, my tears had returned.

when I was done, she reached over and took my hand. "ari, you didn't deserve any of that. none of it was your fault."

her words were simple, but they hit me like a balm on raw skin. I didn't know how much I needed to hear them until now.

"I'm scared," I admitted. "scared of falling into the same trap. scared of losing myself again."

aubrey's grip on my hand tightened. "you're not that girl anymore. and you're not alone."

her words meant everything. i looked up from my bloody cuticles that i was scraping while talking, up to aubrey. her chestnut brown eyes were glowing in the light of the hallway, her signature bun still looking perfect after the whole day, her rosy lips. she just looked mesmerizing. she's the kind of girl that reminds you of fresh summer breeze, starry nights, a warm blanket in a cold winter. she was so effortlessly beautiful. and then, the replays of our kiss happened to flash back in my mind. it was amazing to say at least. it was like her lips were meant to be kissing mine. it just felt... right. 

"it's maybe not the time but..." she started, licking her lips quickly. "do you want to talk about the kiss...?"

"i think we need to." i admitted, looking away from her. "i didn't regret it one bit but we were drunk. i've never been with a girl before so if that's what you're searching for in me -a girlfriend- then... can we take it slow? if you're searching for something different, someone who's more committed or more comfortable then, i also understand that."

"ari. the first time i saw you, i knew i had to get you. you were so effortlessly pretty that paige was the one who nudged me to go talk to you because i thought you wouldn't like me. if taking this slow means that i can have you, it's worth it and i would wait years for you. not to be dramatic, or something." she added with a chuckle. "but on a serious note, i would to anything for you. and i want you to experience the love you deserve and i hope i can give that to you."

she finished, smiling with that beautiful smile of hers. even though i wasn't really on the verge of smiling, hers is contagious. i interlocked our fingers, and i leaned in, slowly. our noses touched for a brief second, i put my other hand on her shoulder, caressing it gently, as i felt her hands come up to my waist.

"is this okay?" she asked, looking into my eyes. i nodded, bringing my lips closer to hers, almost touching. she was the one closing the small distance between us. this kiss felt different. it was gentle and slow. the way her lips fit with mine is an indescribable thing. like two jigsaw pieces. she pulled away, bringing her hand -which was sitting on my waist- to my face, caressing it.

"i'll always look out for you, ari." she said with a small smile, then attaching our lips together once again.