knee deep in the passenger
seat and you're eating me out,
is it casual now..?

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

"God, you're being an idiot." Pansy says to me, laughing. I giggle, but she's probably right.

Pansy and all my friends are calling me a loser because I'm still hanging around with Mattheo.

I really like him. I should go after what I want, right? We cuddle, have sex and go out for dinner. But he still says we're casual.

It hurts, but I keep accepting it. What can I do? I've shown him - literally - every part of me, and if it's not enough then I don't know what I can do.

"Hello?" I snap out of it when I hear Pansy gesturing for me to get up. Its almost past curfew and we were hanging in the library.

-

We arrive to the dorm that we share and I see a small note on my bed. So small that it wouldn't be perceived if not looked for.

Almost like me.

I open it, a stupid grin already planted on my face. I was expecting this.

"Hey, pretty. Come to my dorm half an hour after curfew. I miss you."

I smile and Pansy raises a brow. "What does that dick want?" She knows.

"He wants to get an apartment together, get married and show me off to his friends." I say, sarcastically.

"In your dreams, honey. You're just a girl he bangs on his couch." I smile softly, nodding. She doesn't mean to be rude, but damn.

-

Half an hour later, I'm in my best navy lingerie, my favorite pijamas and my hair is up. Ready.

I knock on Mattheos dorm door, looking around cautiously. In about 5 seconds, he opens it and I look him up and down.

His 8 pack is sexy as ever, his hair still wet and that cheeky smile flashing his white teeth.

"Hey, hot stuff." He says, pulling me in by my waist and pecking my lips.

"Is Draco here?" I ask, lightly biting his lip as he pulls away. Draco was Mattheos dorm buddy.

"Nope, you can be as loud as you want." He jokes and I shake my head, rolling my eyes with a smile on my face.

I plop down on his bed and he's quick to follow, kissing and nibbling my shoulder, keeping my hips still with his hands.

I whimper clutching his bicep as he chuckles. "Fucking sexy." He mumbles as he reaches my chest area and pulls my shirt off.

"I wore this for you." I say, running my hands down his abs as he unclasps my bra.

"Oh, yeah? I-" His phone rings.

For fucks sake.

He sighs, giving me an apologetic look before answering. He smiles a little too hard as he starts speaking.

I hear a feminine voice and something in my kind of... feels bad.

What I've got at the moment is that hes speaking to another girl. Smiling. While he has another girl in his bed.

He hamgs uo after about 5 minutes and I hold back a chuckle when he says: "Blaise just being annoying, don't worry."

I nod, he continues kissing my body and successfully brings me back into that trance of lust which always make me forget what I really want.

Because I want more than empty words, empty flirting and the sex on his bed. I want more than for that cycle to repeat.

-

And yet again, I walk down the halls with my friends, Mattheo flashes that charming smile at me and waves a little.

I do the same and keep walking.

There. That's it.

That's the only interaction we ever have apart from when we're fucking.

Casual, right? That's what has been proven time and time again.

And it's what is being proven again. Right now. As Mattheo flings his arm over another girl and his friends wolf whistle.

Blonde. Skinny. Light eyes.

Everything I wanted to be.

He looks at me, just glancing snd I turn my head away. Awkward.

Later that day, he sat next to me in the common room. I was just studying, nothing special.

"Hey." He says, flinging his arm around me and closing my textbook.

"Hi." I say, raising a brow. "What do you want?" I say, harsher than intended and opening up my book again.

"You." He says, smirking.

"Keep dreaming."

He huffs. "What's up with you?" He says, pulling me close.

"Why do you care?" Yes, I'm still bitter.

"Geez, sweetheart. What did I do?"

"It's more about what you don't do."

He raised a brow and so I continued.

"You're never just... like... you're never just with me." I say, not making any sense.

"What do you mean?" He urges probably knowing where this is going.

"Like, you have a new girl everyday. We only talk or better, have sex, when you want to."

He laughs, only without the humour. "Y/n, c'mon. We're just... casual. Nothing special."

"I- What are you talking about? Is that a joke?"

He shakes his head no, knowing exactly what I'm talking about.

"Casual? I'm so over this. Over you."

I'm not being delusional. Me and Mattheo are more than what we make out to be.

It's the pillow talks after sex, the talls before sex. The mini dates and time together before he took me to his bed.

Notice how all of this has to do with sex? Exactly.

If he thinks that sex is the only thing I have to offer, he's very mistaken. I'm more than that. I really am, and I shouldn't have to prove that to anyone.

Not here, not anywhere.

He frowns, as if he doesn't believe me. "What are you trying to say?"

"I want to be more than... this. Mattheo you know it. Don't try and convince yourself that we're not something more! That we couldn't be something more and that-"

"Stop." His voice is so cold that I flinch, tears threatening to escape. "Stop deluding yourself. Casual. Nothing more. Stop having empty hopes, Y/n."

I open my mouth to speak but he interrupts me again. "I think we're done here, Y/n. I... You're a good person."

He gets up, scratching the back of his neck.

I'm not being unreasonable. My hopes aren't empty. They can be made true if Mattheo would just man up.

-

And it stayed like that. For about a month.

No more charming smiles while I walked past in the halls. No more subtle waves.

Ugh, I hated this so much.

I missed him. But I didn't know what version of him I missed. The one where he treated me like... someone he could love. Someone he loved.

Or the one where he treated me like his. Those moments came after he cleaned me up.

Where we would talk for hours. Get to know eachother more than just the depth of our skin and more than just the noises that vibrated off the walls and we got the know the deepest parts of eachother.

Connecting us as one, connecting our personalities and vibes together.

I think that me and Mattheo will always have something special; obviously. But, being honest with myself: naybe this was for the best.

I mean, how ling could he keep me trapped in that trance of lust, then love then done.

Done.

"I think we're done here, Y/n."

I sighed. This sucks so bad.

It wasn't the type of longing that I coukd sob my heart out for hours. It was a selfish longing.

Mattheo had broken it off; if he wanted to come back, he already would've.

Whatever. Whatever, right?

Strange feeling, though.

-

"Do you think I wanted to do that? I don't even know what got into me. She was everything I needed at the time."

I have no choice but to eavesdrop as I hear Mattheo chatting with one of his friends on the other side of the bookshelf.

I was just reading; in the library because I knew it would be a quiet space.

But then, just to my luck because geez I have a lot, Mattheo walks in. Makes small talk with the girl monitoring the library before sitting down with Blaise.

He continues on about this girl and this saud girl for about half and hour.

I wasn't surprised. It seems like Mattheo to probably have had new girls the day after he told me we were done.

"I just didn't know what to say to her. She was almost crying and I just felt... weird? I hope I didn't hurt her."

His friend replies.

"Hurt her? I think you did more than that, buddy. She looked upset in Dark Arts for like 3 days."

He responds.

"Stop joking around. She probably didn't even care. I mean, she has a way with words but I'm sure she didn't love me or anything."

"Just own up to what you did, bro. If you really think about her as much as you say you do, go after her."

"Zabini, haven't you been listening? She most likely hates me."

"Well, I don't know about all that..."

They continue their conversation and I walk away. I feel eyes literally staring daggers into my back but I don't look back.

My heart stops and my feet slow down when someone calls my name. "Hey, Y/n, c'mere."

It's not Mattheo. It's Blaise.

I hear some of Mattheo's frustrated whispers to Blaise as I walk to their table.

"What's up, Zabini?"

Blaise flashes a toothed smile at me and quickly gets up. I raise a brow when he pulls his chair out for me.

"Mattheo wants to speak to you."

"He- You do?" I say, turning my gaze over to Mattheo who nods.

"Yeah, I've been meaning to. Thanks for the friendly push, Blaise." Mattheo says through gritted teeth staring at Blaise.

"Look... I can take a hint. If you don't want to talk, that's fine Mattheo." I say, looking back at Blaise who shrugs.

"No, no, Y/n I want to talk."

I sit down in the empty chair and Blaise leaves. "See you when I see you." He says to me and I nod.

I stare back at Mattheo. Into the hazel eyes that have never disappointed me.

I blink, waiting for him to speak up. His eyes search my face and I gulp. "So..."

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

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