*

We later joined and regrouped with the rest of the Survey Corps, as Mikasa was relieved that Eren was alright. A few wagons were ready, as many of the soldiers began to collect the many bodies that were sacrificed. Being relatively safe for the time being, squad leaders and men and women began to count each other to list how many casualties there were, and only injured.

With everything happening rather quickly, I tried to cover my pain knowing there were seriously wounded soldiers.

Black dots were filling my vision for a moment, before my eyes can see clearly. Fading in and out was feeling like I was floating, not hearing what's going on around me. With Eren's body retrieved, that was all we needed before we took off back to Karanes District.

The many bodies that were placed aligned before, made my stomach churn.

The constant reminder no matter if we step outside these walls, blood will always be shed. My eyes rest painfully upon the four specific bodies, covered from head to toe. My lips purse into a thin line, knowing who's who beneath the blankets. My chest was painfully digging into my lung, trying to hold back a whimper. A sudden flash of their last moments, made my eyes slowly widen.

A trigger.....

My chest expands without my control, feeling myself choke on my air. My feet stumble back, while my teeth clench tightly. Something runs up my throat again, making my head lurch forward, covering my mouth. The metallic taste was unsettling, pulling my hand away to see blood painting my palm.

"Shit......."

Mourning and in constant pain wasn't helping my situation, but needless to say I didn't want others to worry. However I need Hanji, or someone to aid me once we get back. Right now wasn't the time, as Levi was quietly in pain. Physically and emotionally. He was in more pain than i could imagine, not sure what was going on in his mind right now. He didn't have to tell me, and I was willing to wait.

Wiping the blood against my clothes I couldn't care less, as blood rolled down my forehead and spots that were cut in the process. Presence soon greets beside me, turning to see Levi's eyes resting on the four soldiers.

It was the same expression when he lost Isabel and farlan, it was painful to see.

Words could not comprehend how I felt, especially when Levi placed all his trust in me with his squad. Eld, Gunther, Oluo, Petra........I'm sorry, it was all my fault and responsibility.

Why did Erwin make me become Corporal? I wasn't worth my title......

Levi bends down while grimacing with his ankle, peeling the blanket off ripping the patches off. One by one, the symbols made me feel sick. Levi's eyes were empty, while others couldn't see the sadness, I saw it clearly. He couldn't fool me, and I wouldn't let him. Placing a hand on his shoulder, I squeeze it gently while feeling his body tense up a little, warming up to my touch.

"I'm sorry," my voice cracks, holding back the tears that threatened to fall.

He soon pushes himself back to his feet quietly while holding the patches, eyes still resting upon his fallen soldiers. They all risked their lives, only for this damn mission to fail. They trusted in us, those four held dreams that I knew they grew excited for. For a better future, gambling their lives for something that might or might not come true.

His other hand rests on top of mine, before quietly meeting my glassy eyes.

"We can't go back,"

Those words made my chest tighten more, knowing we can't go to the past and predict everything again. Our lives were only temporary, limited even. We couldn't fix everything, I couldn't fix everything. We lied to them about the mission, lied about Erwin's hunch. Eren was also in the dark, and still got pissed because we couldn't do anything but follow orders.

I couldn't blame him, but it still was painful to keep it to ourselves.....

"I know......."my voice softens, wishing to embrace him. However I didn't want display affection, knowing it would be inappropriate at the moment. "......now all we can do now, is try and get Eren to prove his worth........."

"Tch.......their sacrifices, should be proven with his actions," He lowers his voice, before briefly brushing a few strands of hair from my bloodied face. "Anyway, we get back with Erwin and report in."

Agreeing him I soon hesitate to even move forward, as my eyes rest upon their hands with the bites marks dug into their thumbs.

Why did everything go down to shit, again?

They were so young, it was just painful enough having to leave them at their eternal rest. I couldn't stop the female titan, I couldn't protect them. I tried so hard, I did my best protecting Eren and the squad. I really did, but....

......why does everyone die before me?...........

Turning on my heel to follow Levi, my vision begins to blur more seeing him walk off, as my feet wouldn't move. Shaking my head adjusting my eyes, a harsh cough bursts into fits losing my footing. My knees dig into the earth, while my hands claw at my chest. Blood falls upon the green grass, hunching over in overwhelming pain.

"Corporal Akira!" Someone exclaims, while I kept coughing over and over in fits.

"Hey, we need a medic!!!!"

It seemed it grasped the attention of Levi, while I couldn't focus on anything else but to try and calm myself down. Red was covering the grass, with tears streaming down. The air in my lungs was decreasing, finding it rather painful than before. A few soldiers were at my side, hands on my shoulders trying to calm myself down in a panic.

"Get Commander Hanji, someone!"

The taste of blood rolls at the corners of my lips, as my eyes were hazier and glazed over with tears. After not moving after a while, I slowly inhale and exhale trying to focus on something. Let me stay awake a little longer?

"Hey.....Akira, you with me?" Hanji's voice calls, while feeling a hand rest upon my back. Rubbing small circulars motions against my upper back, my body slowly begins to calm down.

"Is she alright?!" Lena exclaims, rushing towards me and Hanji.

Soon I was met with his grey eyes with concern, "Hey, hey.........what's going on?" he questions sternly, but worry lacing in his tone.

"Fractured........my rib....I think" unsure what was wrong, only remembering the sickly crack from before.

Hanji's eyes harden before stripping my jacket carefully, before giving it to Levi. "Can I ask where it hurts?"

My hand rests upon the very spot, just below my breast before inhaling sharply again.

Nodding they place a hand on the sore spot, "Forgive me, but I might need to feel against your skin,"

Allowing her to resume, her hand slips beneath my shirt and checks the surface of my chest against my flesh. Grimacing with discomfort, I notice a sign of relief pulling her hand away while rummaging through a small bag.

Awaiting for her reply, I could see herself at ease and relieved.

"Thankfully it's a minor fracture, so it would heal rather quickly," They reply, but Levi narrows his eyes for a moment. "However, the reason you were coughing up blood must because of the heavy blows.....which I'm assuming. So you're still able to move about, but not extreme activities."

"Wait," Levi's voice was forced out, turning to the scientists. "How are you so sure? She could've punctured her lun--"

Hanji pats his shoulder calmly, "If she did, she wouldn't be standing and walking around," raising a fair point. "So allow me to put gauze around the area, and I will properly treat it once we return to HQ."

So my body was just in shock, to sum it all up?

Levi gives me space while Hanji begins to wrap the gauze around, carefully around me. After a few more seconds she ties it, as I pull my black shirt down. "Just keep your jacket off for now," She instructs, before helping me stand up. Hanji nudges her head to Levi, "Captain, see to her horse."

He walks over to me and reaches up, feeling his thumb wipe away the blood from the corner of my chapped lips. His touch was comforting enough, to put me at ease for now. Trying to match his gaze, he was painfully holding his emotions. He was so good at it, too good I might add.

"Sorry," he murmurs, almost cracking still concerned for me.

He turns around slipped an arm beneath my shoulder carefully. Grimacing in pain, my head shamelessly lowers, as he gently guides me to my horse we retrieved before leaving the forest.

"I'm alright," I assure him wearily, trying to fight the darkness that crept towards me.

"Tch, alright my ass......" He scoffs with distrust, holding me closer to his side. "......blood isn't alright, you dumbass!"

With a few soldiers help he hoists my body carefully upon the horse, taking the reigns towards his horse he guides me to Erwin. Once he finds his horse, he hoist himself and urges our horses forward to the front.

Soon the Survey Corps begins to take off, making our way back to Karanes District.

Levi flicks the reigns before reaching with the Commander, within the Commanding unit. The survey Corps was tightened, keeping ourselves all together at a steady pace. Flanking behind Erwin, he seems to notice my presence with Levi's following up from behind.

"Akira," He greets me, firmly. "How are you feeling? I overheard about what happened...."

Swallowing up my pain, I gave him a simple reply.

"I'm alright, nothing serious," I assure him, only to hear Levi scoffing muttering under his breath.

My hands tighten around the reigns, hating to show weakness again before Erwin again. I was always pathetic in front of him, so I must remain strong and wait til the storm dies down.

"I see......well, we must remain together til we get to Karanes District," He informs us, not wanting to discuss any matters that would weigh us down. Letting out a heavy exhale, I grimace discreetly in pain.

"Yes sir!"

Glancing in Levi's direction for a moment, I saw the exhaustion resting on his face.

"Are you alright?" I ask him softly, feeling the Commanding unit picking up the pace towards karanes district.

"Tch, I'm fine,"

He seemed to break his ankle or even sprained it, but I knew he didn't want others to know of his wounds. He would let his pride take over, not showing himself wounded and weak. I could understand, but I didn't want him to hide from me.

"I know you're not," I ignore his lie, meeting his eyes. "You must get your ankle check too."

His eyes harden, "It's just sprained, not now we can't," he hisses quietly. "Right now, you have a fractured rib and I'm more worried about you.....seriously, why didn't you tell me before? You didn't have--"

"I wanted too," I cut him off sternly, as his eyes slightly widen. "I had too, because I wasn't at my limit......."

"All men, forward!!!!!" Erwin yells, cutting me off realising we've begun picking up the pace. Pursing my lips together I flick my reigns, nudging my horse to start running at the same pace as Erwin and Levi's. His eyes rested upon me with hesitation, brushing it off knowing we must focus on returning to the district before it becomes dark.

However our luck soon came to halt, hearing crying and screams of soldiers.

Titans were soon spotted right behind the rear. What's worse about our situation is, that there was nothing but an open field. Nothing to latch their grappling hooks into, or even have the advantage taking them down. Even though I was stationed up front, few soldiers were left to deal with the titans behind us.

Hesitant in going back to aid them, Erwin's eyes narrow.

"Full speed! all soldiers!!!"

Turning my head around while keeping myself steady upon my horse, I only got a glimpse of the titans that were smaller from my point of the division. Guaranteed it was worse back there, we couldn't falter now. We have so much cargo of bodies, we must bring back. I don't want to lose anymore, than what we already lost today. It was too much.

"Commander, this doesn't look promising," I warn him, but he did not look back except narrowing his eyebrows together.

"Our best chance might be to circle back, make a beeline for the trees," Levi suggests. "We can't put up much of a fight out here."

"No," Erwin counters firmly. "Our best option now is to continue to the wall."

Levi clicks his tongue in response, before slowing down his horse to fall back to the lower ranks from behind us. Turning my head wondering what he was going to do, hoping he wasn't going to push himself further. He was already injured, and I couldn't bare seeing him in anymore pain.

However I didn't understand what he was planning to do, sending Erwin a question look.

"What is he going to do, sir?" I question, while flanking just behind him.

He gave me a look before slowly my mind syncs with his, feeling my body run cold even at the thought. Shaking my head, I turn my head around to see Levi ordering something.

"Please, don't tell me your--"

"Akira......." He spoke rather firmly, making me meet his icy stare. ".......the most logical way to survive, is to cut down the weight of those.......who risked their lives......."

"Sir, I--" I try to protest, hating the idea we're dumping their bodies where no one would even dare set foot back.

"I trust you Akira, with everything I have," He spoke up, but I didn't trust a single word dripping from his mouth. I knew from the beginning when we were equals, he was willing to give up alot for something so small. Now, it's something bigger, and I was only a pawn.

A tool, a weapon even........

Closing my mouth, I couldn't believe what he was striving for.

More carnage, for the sake of humanity and peace in the end.........

Turning my head I saw the dead covered bodies being discarded from the wagon, noticing the speed was getting faster and quicker as the weight dispersed. Frustrated that the Commander wouldn't allow me to go back there, and take those titans down.

Eld......

Oluo......

Petra........

Gunther.....

Squeezing my eyes tightly hating that we had to leave their bodies, and the worst part was breaking the news to their families. They all had a home to go back too, but now they no longer had a reason to return. Slowly my body grew numb, facing forward ignoring everything around me, only to listen to Erwin's next instruction or order.

I'm sorry for all this.......I really am......

Not long after we lost sight of the titans, Erwin soon ordered us to stop for our horses to rest up. We didn't stay for too long, after a few quarrels and arguments here and there. Yet I was zoned out completely, only having faith in the rest to figure out the directions as she strayed off course for a moment.

My body hurts, and my heart felt like it was being crushed....

Finally after a long while we began to approach Karanes, as the sun was resting just behind the mountains. We picked up the pace, nearing the familiar gates we just exited before. Slowly the gates heavily lift up, allowing our regiment to walk in rows. Yet, the moment we enter many people looked at us, with the same reactions we've gotten after every expedition. None were successful, but dead bodies or limbs were brought back.

Their eyes bore into us, with disapproving expressions, especially to the merchants and their constant complaints on wasting their money on failures, like ourselves. Their explicit language entered our ears, but remained tearing ourselves down. They didn't realise how hard we fought, the risks we had to take, in order to stop this never ending pain.

Slipping down from my horse I painfully trail right beside Levi, not wanting him to walk alone.

Family families searched through the regiment, awaiting for their loved ones or children. Yet, some met with nothing but unfamiliar faces, or regretful ones. Sinking my teeth into my bottom lip, all i felt was anger. No, I beyond angry.

I felt guilt, shame and more so responsible to Levi's squad's death.

Couldn't even argue with Levi tell him to not strain his ankle, I kept my mouth shut and comforted him with me walking beside him. He must be feeling far more terrible than I, losing everything yet again. Like caring and growing attached, only made you worse in losing them.

My eyes trail to the side only to lock with children, who stood on the side with the exact opposite of the adults. Eyes lit up with excitement, hope even like they were praising us.

"That's Corporal Akira and Captain Levi!" A child exclaims. "Some say they're like a brigade of soldiers, even by themselves! They're so awesome!!!!"

Yet I never felt awesome after today, and the pain reminded me......

Soon lock eyes with a certain pair of familiar eyes, recognising the child just from afar. Her blonde hair was neatly braided to one side, and her forest green eyes were bright and big with life in her eyes. Pure innocence. Recognising her instantly, she was roughly about nine or eight years of age I assume.

"Klara....." I murmur, when I saw Ingrid standing beside her. Her stepmother.

The pained expression across Ingrid's face wasn't a shameful one, but more out of concern knowing how much we risked outside those walls. She knew the pain, having a younger brother that was killed on an expedition of mine. I apologised over and over again at the time, but all she was embrace me and told me to never blame myself.

Except I was her brother's squad leader, as his name was Jonas......

Glancing away my eyes rest upon the path before us, only for the sound of someone running from behind us caught my attention, slightly turning around to see man.

"Excuse me," A man says. "Captain Levi. Good evening, I huh, yes...I'm Petra's father. Sir. Might I bend your ear before she sees us? I received this letter from her somewhat recently. Apparently you hand picked her yourself? She's very excited, I can assure you. In fact, it sounds like she's utterly devoted to you in every way. So devoted that, well, to be honest her mother and I are a bit concerned, you see," he chuckles nervously. "Now, I--I know that fathers can have trouble letting go. But still, I can't help but feel she's far too young to be thinking about marriage. She has so much yet to experience before settling down--"

A painful and distant expression shares between Levi and I, knowing she's not coming back.

Poor girl, she was so young and still........

My eyes painfully lift up to see the father, only to see a glimpse of Petra in his face. My jaw clenched tightly the more he went on and on, knowing it was my entire fault she won't be living to more experience on the field. To be able to live a life, and experience marriage and peace. Dammit, this weight is unbearable, but I must carry it.

I never understood the concept of love between a father and daughter; being abused and traumatised by so much and perfection.

I envied her father's love for her, but it's in the past.

Soon a massive wave of yelling and shouting was soon sent towards the Commander, knowing full well everyone blames him. He was the centre of the failures, and people felt better to lash out. I hated to say he deserved it, knowing exactly what he was doing. Death of loved ones were something you can't take so lightly, along with the wasted money and resources that were spent on the expedition.

People just never understood how much we risked outside, as we had to step up or no one would.

Walking through the streets of Karanese, we slowly and tiredly made our way out of the