𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐢'𝐬 𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰

for five years all i ever wanted was judea back, but when she was here i didn't realize how much anger i had pent up towards her, she had walked away and never came back not me. she couldn't handle me, she didn't love me enough to stay and i had to pay for that. she was waltzing back into my life as if those five years haven't mean nothing.

i had learned to live without juju, to walk around with that hole in my heart and to control that constant pain in my chest, i was okay with that because if meant juju leaving me to make her happy then i was fine.

until i wasn't fine and i haven't been, instead i was coping with my emotions because i had no other choice but too. i was never going to be fine unless i had juju back or understood why she left and both of those seemed impossible at the moment.

after that night, i deleted the post, her message im sorry imani and any other message after that because her coming back gave me sense of false hope and thats was the last thing i needed.

but still, i knew i couldn't ignore her for long not with my friends whom had grew excited for the kickback she invited us to, but knowing they were more excited that she was the one that invited us.

they didn't know about me and juju, and i didn't want them too. i didn't want aaliyah and elijah walking around painting judea based off my history with her, she didn't deserve to be painted as the bad guy because she wasn't.

the kickback was tonight, she had sent the address earlier today along with asking why i didn't attend pre-cal today but had only hearted the message of the address and ignored the question.

"you okay? I thought you would be a little more excited about this kickback", elijah asked standing in the full body mirror switching between shirts trying to find the perfect outfit for tonight.

i tried to be all excited about this thing, a night out with my friends and a opportunity to meet more people but all i could think about was judea being there.

"i am", i lie, he hummed as he looked at me through the mirror trying to find my bluff, which he did. "you've been a off a lil lately, you sure nothing bothering you?", he asked once more.

i know he was only asking because he cared but i was going tired of the question. "im good", i said in a stern tone. sliding off his bed and taking a seat at my desk looking at myself in my mini mirror that sat on my desk unsatisfied with my current self.

he moved on from the question taking the hint and focusing more on his outfit which i thanked him for to myself. we moved on from the awkward silence turning on music to get ourselves ready with.

later that night, aaliyah ordered us all uber meeting us outside of my dorm already in the uber taking us to the location of the kickback.

of course, the "small", kickback was violently filled with college students intoxicated dancing and conversing with each other vibin along with the music enjoying each other company.

"oh shit", aaliyah commented as we stepped into the kitchen surrounding the kitchen island which was decorated with red solo cups, napkins, sodas, juices and alcohol bottles.

"call me a barista because im finna mix some shit up", she said sticking her tongue out giddy with the drinks in front of her.

elijah rolled his eyes at her sister, "you slow as fuck, that alcohol already fucking up yo brain... it's a bartender not no damn barista", he said never letting her have her little moment. you think hanging out with a toxic couple is fun wait until you hang around siblings who don't do shit but argue.

"fuck up, do you want some or not?", she questioned as mixed a drink together pouring it equally into three red solo cups handing us each an cup.

"to our first college lil kickback to many more and to a longgg friendship", elijah toasted as we clinked our cups together and took  a sip of our drinks. the burn run through my throat and instant disgust filled my face but aaliyah and elijah seemed to take it well, "oh yall sick", is all i said and they laughed.

as the party went on we migrated from one another, i was only my second drink with no intention of getting too drunk knowing i would have to take care of my friends who became real touchy with the bottles in the kitchen.

i stood close towards the wall with the red solo cup in my hands watching the party unfold in front of me until i catch eyes with a beautiful brown skin girl dressed in baggy clothing and her locs in a high ponytail she smiled at me slightly waving at me.

ouuuu this is tea for me honeyyyy

i quickly adjusted myself on the wall tugging the ends my jorts and clutching the red solo cup in my hands tighter not daring to break eye contact from the girl as she made her way towards me. ur best friend by kehlani & kiana ledé played, my favorite wuh luh wuh song setting the mood for this incoming interaction.

"hey", the girl spoke her voice raspy but firm, she gave me a slight smile as she looked me up and down. i returned the smile as i took a small sip of my drink, "hey", i replied.

"a pretty girl like you shouldn't be alone", she commented as if she was hinting something. "really?", i asked tilting my head slightly with a bit of tease in my tone.

she chuckled slightly at it keeping it cool, "yeah", was all she said. "and what exactly should a pretty girl like me be doing?", i asked with a slight smile still teasing. she hummed slightly being dramatic as she tapped her fingers into her chin, "well, a pretty girl like you should be dancing with a pretty girl like me", she stated.

there was a silence as we stared at each other, a slight sparkle in them as she held her hand out towards me, "so what you say?", she asked offering to dance. i try to act like i was actually thinking about it but i place the red solo cup on the closest surface next to me and take her hands into mines letting her lead us to the dance floor.

a dance lead us to the kitchen accompanying ourselves with another drink until we went outside to get away from the loud music, we sat on the bottom of the stairs outside talking with each other.

still after all of this, still after five years, no girl could have my undivided attention but judea.

i had this beautiful girl in front of me who's been nothing but perfect this entire night but all i could think about was her. i felt like i was sinking into these steps knowing she was somewhere around here, somewhere so close to me.

"so, what are you studying here at USC?", alex asked, the girl who've been spending this night with. i looked away from my fingers that danced around the red solo cup and up at her, "fashion design", i replied.

her eyes widened at me that smile still dancing on her face, which has been all night, oh this felt so wrong. "that's so cool, and it explains this outfit you've blessed us with", she complimented and i laughed slightly at her. "nothing i have on tonight is something I've made, but my friend aaliyah is walking around here with one of my pieces on", i told her. "still, your fit is fire", she continued.

"thank you alex", i smile at her, this was suppose to be good, i deserved this but it didn't feel right. "alex", i call her name and she hums looking at me.

"your a good girl and-", before i finish she sighs. "no please don't tell me", she starts and i look at her confused, "please don't tell me you had a good time tonight but you can't... we can't do this because of some bullshit", she says throwing her back and groaning in a playfully mood.

i laughed at her, "sorry", i say with a wince as she looks back down at me, "but that's exactly what i was going to say", i turn my cheek slightly as silence fills us.

"look", she says taking her hand into mines, "im going to give you my number, let you figure out that thing that's stopping us and if maybe... just maybe the odds work out ... you'll call me... okay?", she says with a soft sad smile.

"okay", i say with a nod.
"okay", she nods with a firm tone.
"you promise me?", she tilts her head.

i smile, "i promise", i tell her pulling my phone out and letting her put her number in, it takes a couple of seconds but she hands me my phone back with her number and name printed in it.

"thank you", i say standing up from the stairs dusting my jorts off as she stands up along with me. "hope to see you soon imani", she said standing right in front of me. "me too goodnight, alex".

i searched for judea that night, i couldn't avoid her anymore or pretend like she didn't exist because she did and that's what was stopping me.

stopping me from girls like alex, i should be able to call her whenever i was ready not until i sorted shit out with judea because of what happened five years ago.

i had to let this go, but I couldn't find her that night and i didn't have much time to look around until aaliyah had dragged me into the bathroom clearly drunk with elijah hanging over the toilet bowl throwing up.

i pulled out my phone and sent judea a quick text "can we talk?", i pushed my phone into my back pocket and turnt my attention on my friends trying to get us out of this party and back home.