Song of the chapter: Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift

Once Jess is satisfied with the details of my recap, and I am finally released from her hold, I make my way to have a well-needed shower. With my robe discarded, I make my way under the steady stream of scalding water. I let it trickle atop my head and down my face, flooding my body and refreshing me as I find myself tired with the day having barely started.

I reach the state where I feel as though I am sweating from the heat, which may contradict the point of the shower but leaves me feeling refreshed as each one of my pores feel like they have been cleaned out. I experience a sense of reminiscence being enveloped in the heat, recalling the warmth that had been trapped in the four walls of my room and under the bedsheets for all those hours with Theo. The water drops quickly help break me out of my reverie and bring me back to reality though.

With the combination of anticipation and anxiety creeping up on me as I wait for a development with Theo at an unknown point of the day and for my talk with Lexi, I revel in the simplicity of the mundane task that is showering. It's kind of like how I enjoy staying up so late. I am by no means some raving party-goer or dare devil. My late nights are complete laying in bed watching movies, scrolling through social media, reading a book or doing a word puzzle. But what I enjoy so much is the fact that I'm not expected to do anything.

Nobody needs anything from me and I can't possibly be expected to face the plethora of life issues that eat at my mind. The city is silent as we lose ourselves to unconsciousness and proceed to simultaneously all lay there in our beds blocking out the world for hours. I read somewhere once (probably social media so it may not be the most accurate) that it was called revenge bedtime procrastination- that we take out revenge for the lack of control we feel in other aspects of life by choosing to stay up late and doing as we please in the solitude of the night's serenity.

It's what I do, and I'm doing it now even in the shower. For the five to ten minutes that I stand under the running water I know that I'm safe from whatever can happen out there in the world, good or bad; that I'm not expected to do anything for anyone or make any life decisions. It's not very long but it's a welcome reprieve.

It usually lasts until Jess comes banging on the bathroom door shouting that she has to pee, or when I remember that I have to pay for all this water that's being used.

Today, it is Jess that triggers the return to reality and so I rush out of the shower and in a towel back to my room to slip on a comfortable outfit to waste the day away in. With a hoodie and trackbacks pulled on, I restart the day and begin busying myself until it is time for Jess's arrival.

She eventually arrives, albeit an hour late which is expected when it comes to her. We exchange greetings, although slightly less comfortably than usual as we meet for the first time since I had been left incredibly frustrated with her after sudden revelations were made. With a very brief hug that could be considered just a tap on the shoulder, we settle down on the couch with Jess doing a horrible job at pretending like she is doing tasks as opposed to what what she is doing - eavesdropping from the kitchen.

"Look, I'm just going to skip straight to the point because I hate this awkward state we've been in for the last week and there's a lot we need to say," Lexi begins rambling anxiously, hands feverishly running over her bump. "I'm so sorry Elle that we kept everything a secret from you. We shouldn't have done that and we know it now. We just didn't want to stress you and we know you're busy enough here with your city life."

And so it begins, the victimisation. The guilting.

I want to shout at her. I want to tell her that she doesn't get to put down my life, where I live and what I do, whether she does it consciously or unconsciously. She doesn't get to make me feel bad for living my life, for finally prioritising my own life. I shouldn't have to choose between having my own identity and being included in important family events.

I want her to understand how badly it hurts to learn that your grandmother is losing her memory and that she nearly burnt her house down and that she's moving into a nursing home on a quick phone call because there was a last minute change in plans and you have to cover someone's ass. That everyone in your family who you thought you could trust was hiding this from you for months on end and to wonder what else they could be hiding.

And then I remember that I certainly have kept my fair share of secrets, even if they pale in comparison to the gravity of my family's, and that I'll want to be in a good state with her when I reveal one of those secrets today. Then there's also the fact that she's pregnant and I probably shouldn't be causing her too much stress, and the fact that Lexi . . . well, she's Lexi.

Lexi isn't exactly accustomed to accountability. She's the youngest child of a divorce, left behind by her own mother as a young child. She hasn't heard the word no too much, and got out of many a thing because of sympathy. So I just need to nod and accept the apology, pushing down the emotions and thoughts that may be brewing in me like I usually do for another day, a day that may not come. I'll still voice my thoughts but I'll do it with a bit less frustration and a bit more amicability than I might have another day.

"Look, I get that. But can you imagine if the roles were reversed? If I didn't tell you something as big as that because I thought you were too busy? If I were to get sick or get a promotion or have something massive happenin my life but I don't tell you in a couple of years because I think you're too busy being a mother? How do you think that would make you feel?" I ask, knowing that Lexi needs these things explained to her because she often tends to drift through life like she is in an island oblivious to the rest of the world.

"And maybe you don't mean it, but you're doing a pretty good job of making me feel guilty about moving out here and for my job. I shouldn't be punished for those decisions by having important information withdrawn from me, or be made to feel that I'm the reason that I wasn't told and that I should be changing my behaviour to be rewarded with honesty," I continue with my rant, conscious of the fact that my face has probably transformed to the shade of a tomato -even my damn eyebrows- as I get frustrated and emotional.

I wait for a response from her as my mind processes the fact that I've actually let out all those thoughts into the room. I know that I haven't even said anything rude to her or attacked her but for me it's still more than I ever usually say. Sure, we've bickered over the years as all sisters do - whether it be over hogging the bathroom, stealing each other's clothes or eating the last Pop Tart - but we've very rarely ever touched on sensitive topics.

I think we've always just been so frightened of conflict due to how it shrouded our childhood that we were too nervous to dare challenge one another on something and risk our relationship. I was always the responsible one who felt sorry for my little sister that didn't understand why our mother had left us, whilst she was the innocent one taking it upon herself to bring light into the household.

Yes, there were certainly moments were her reliance on that innocent image to shirk her responsibilities drove me insane, and when my need to keep everything on the straight and arrow irritated her. But, we've always just bit our lips when it would teeter too close to the edge and hope the message would get across to the other in a way without really saying everything.

I've just said everything- well, I actually said only some of what I really felt but what I did say I said with completely raw honesty which I don't do too often with her.

Whilst I nervously await Lexi's reply, I look behind her to the kitchen where Jess stands to gauge her reaction. Fortunately, I am met with a fist silently lifted up in celebration which I suppose is Jess cheering me on for sticking it to Lexi.

I return my gaze to Lexi and watch on as she takes a breath, almost beginning to say something before she stops to think over it again. I bite down on the inside of my cheek, tasting the tangy flow of blood that floods out from my gum down onto my tongue and trying to focus on that instead of my anxiety.

"I . . . completely understand what you mean," she almost whispers, finally allowing for me to release the breath that I had been holding in. "You're my best friend Elle and I don't ever want us to feel like we're being left out of one another's lives. I can't imagine my life without you sharing all those big moments, good or bad. You've been everything for me for as long as I remember and I need to start being that for you."

And that there is why all that time the smallest chance of risking even a fraction of my relationship with Lexi for the sake of Theo and a fling wasn't even a consideration. Well, that is until now when it seems like it could be so much more than that.

"Friends again?" she asks with her mouth twisted in hesitation and arms outstretched in a peace offering.

I accept, settling my body in her arms and embracing her as she eagerly returns the favour. "Of course, always."

Our heads are nestled in each other's shoulders, my face surrounded by the scent of summer berries weaved through her strands of hair, and for a moment it feels like we're kids again holding one another after I've made my way to her room in the middle of the night to keep the monsters away from her dreams.

However this doesn't last long because with the discussion about my grandmother settled, I suddenly realise that I've reached the point where I can no longer avoid a certain topic- and if I didn't know that then Jess's pointed stair from behind Lexi's shoulder would do well enough to remind me. I pull back from her hold and she immediately begins excitedly filling me in on all that I'd missed in her life for the last week while I go into a comatose state. I sit there with bated breaths, seeing the words come out of Lexi's mouth and nodding along but have those words flow right through me as I am far too preoccupied with my thoughts.

I look at the young woman sitting before me and can't fathom how time has passed so quickly. How we have so swiftly evolved from the two innocent girls huddled up together on the sofa watching High School Musical, finding security in one another and convincing ourselves that we didn't need our mother anyways. We had everything we needed in one another.

As she gently caresses her stomach and her own path of motherhood, I think back to when she would take a cushion and place it under her dress, pretending to be pregnant as I slowly marched through our living room with one of our grandmother's knitted table runners thrown over my head like a veil. Oh, to possess that kind of innocence again and not worry about these kind of issues that plague us today.

Swallowing the saliva that had pooled in my mouth as I anxiously lost myself in my thoughts, I muster whatever courage I have to begin what I know will be an awkward conversation.

"Hey Lex, there was something else I needed to talk to you about."

"Okay.... shoot," she cautiously replies, settling further into her spot on the couch beside me. Relaxed and comfortable now, with her legs crossed, a pillow in her lap and hand placed on her growing bump, she looks positively adorable. I have to pinch myself each time to truly believe that my little sister is actually about to be a mother.

"So, remember how you kept asking me if I was seeing someone?"

"Right, hickey guy." she says matter-of-factly, eyes widening eagerly and practically bouncing in her seat as she realises she is finally going to get more information about my mystery guy.

I can't help but laugh in response to hickey guy, though it comes out incredibly dryly because of my ongoing worries about this situation that it sounds like a scoff. When you hear the nickname "hickey guy" I don't think most would imagine a guy like Theo. She really is never going to let that one pass.

"Yeah, the hickey guy. Well, he is actually someone you do know after all."

Lexi slaps her knees with excitement and leans forward in anticipation, as though I'm gonna whisper her the big secret. I take a break before I gather the courage to proceed. "It's Theo."

I've truly achieved the impossible and rendered her speechless.

Her mouth lies ajar as she processes this new information. I watch on with bated breaths, the sound of a pin dropping audible in this stark silence. Jess watches on with eager eyes, head cushioned in the palms of her hands as she leans forward on the kitchen counter curiously.

"Oh . . .," she finally utters, seemingly speechless. "Oh . . .okay."

I have no idea what she is thinking, unable to understand the tone in those words and the expression on her face. Is it horror, surprise, disappointment?

"We're not dating. It's kind of just been a casual arrangement type of thing until recently," I find myself saying, going into defensive mode instantly and understating matters. But then I realise what I'm doing and know that I can't screw things up by chickening out. It is time to face reality and not back away for other's sakes, even if it scares me. "But it's developed into a lot more than that and turns out he actually wants more and I think I do too."

She considers these words, nodding along.

"Right. So, you're dating now?" she inquires, squinting as she makes sense of things.

"Well, not exactly. At least not yet."

"So, what's stopping you?" she obliviously asks.

I can hear Jess scoff and know what expression she'd have on her face even without looking behind Lexi to see her where she stands eavesdropping so openly.

"I mean, you Lex. Surely that's obvious. I wouldn't do that without your approval," I explain what I would think is pretty apparent.

"Elle, you surely would've known that I would have been okay with it right? I mean, we ended things and were never serious. Plus, I'm pregnant and with Mason, which were two things I hid from Theo alongside my age. So, what else is holding you back from exploring things further if you say you both feel you want more?" she questions.

I look incredulously between Lexi and Jess, hoping for some support from the latter but only getting a shrug in response. I find myself scoffing in disbelief, confused at how the tables have turned so quickly back onto me and why on earth Jess is actually on Lexi's side.

"Unless you really don't know that? Or, do you just not trust me with him?" she continues, her curiosity coming to a swift halt. "Oh, crap. You don't trust me, do you?"

I take a second too long to respond and I've already said enough in Lexi's eyes. Whilst I attempt to assure her otherwise, she looks around with wide eyes taking in the revelation she believes she has come across and repeating "she doesn't trust me" to herself.

She finally stops, recomposing herself to take my hands in hers and rest them between us on a pillow.

"Maybe someone else would be upset right now that you think I could do that to you but I suppose I can't blame you with my history," she points out, Jess chiming in with a hmmph in the background. "But Elle, I promise you that if you want to be with Theo that I'll never interfere. Sure, I can acknowledge that he's not a bad looking guy, and good for you for snapping that up and all, but that's no different from any other guy you might date who I haven't. If I ever had feelings for him again - which I can pretty much promise I won't because after all we did make the confident decision to end things because we're not compatible and I'm very happy with someone else - I would never do anything to hurt you. But, again, I could never have feelings for him when I know that you do. This isn't The Vampire Diaries."

"But..." I begin, but shut my mouth as I quickly predict the response.

"But what?"

"What about if he has feelings for you? What about if you realise that you don't want to be with Mason and actually want to try things out with him again? I mean, you were obviously attracted with each other at one point."

She scoffs at this.

"Elle, for one thing would you be pissed off if I went out with Derek who you were attracted to and barely dated. I'm guessing not. But also, trust me, he does not have feelings for me nor will he ever," she confidently assures me.

"How can you guarantee that?" I genuinely wonder.

"Elle, he broke things off with me before he even found out that I was seeing someone else or that I was pregnant," she reveals.

I can virtually feel that information sink down onto my shoulders as I weigh it over.

"He did?"

This is new information to me and definitely would've been helpful to know sooner. But then again, I'm the one at fault because did I ever ask?

One might question why I never wondered this but there wasn't anything that suggested it. I knew that they had broken up but that it coincided with Lexi finding out about her pregnancy and getting back together with Mason. I had assumed that she had either initiated the break up because of that or that Theo had after finding out about Mason.

"Yeah, he did."

"I guess I never really thought about it, I just assumed it had something to do with Mason or the pregnancy.

I can't believe I've never considered it. It just seemed like the obvious thing and I was so caught up in the shock to think it through more.

"No, it didn't. He ended things before I could get to it because he didn't feel that way about me and if he hadn't beaten me to it I would have done the same thing. We both knew we didn't suit each other and in hindsight I can definitely see that you guys certainly do. I mean, he sure has shown a lot of interest in you since we met. He stayed in touch with you and came to your birthday after ending things with your sister; surely that'll tell you enough who he is interested in and maybe even why he ended things with me."

This is all raising way too many more questions for me. I was supposed to be getting more clarity by this point of the conversation, not gaining more confusion.

"Okay, but you and other people have said on multiple occasions that he's not a relationship type of guy. That he chases things until he gets what he wants and then quickly moves on to the next thing. How do I know that won't happen to me?" I rebut, knowing I've worked through one insecurity but that other major ones persist.

"Well, one- how well do me and the other people actually know him? And if you say that the other person is Damon then please wipe anything he has said out of your mind immediately cause that guy is majorly jealous of Theo and clearly has a thing for