you. Two- Theo just doesn't seem the type as far as I know to hurt you like that. Three- maybe he's changed. I mean, you've never been a casual fling kind of girl up until now but look at how you've changed," she breaks it down and I can't believe I'm saying this but she's the rational one in the room right now.

"Before you list a whole bunch of other things that might be a problem, can I ask- is it maybe possible that you were also . . . using me as a kind of shield?" she hesitantly asks, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she awaits a defensive attack.

"A shield?"

What on earth does she mean by that?

"Yeah. Like, sure you genuinely did have these concerns about me- I'm not discrediting my role in it- but maybe it was also a way to not let yourself get invested and stop yourself from lettings things get too deep," she elaborates.

She leans back against the arm of the sofa, assessing my reaction from a minuscule additional distance back as though my words or actions might lash out.

"Look," I suddenly hear chime from the kitchen, my head snapping to that direction . "I don't agree with Lexi much but I think I have to agree with her on this one," Jess adds, making her way out from the kitchen and over to us no longer hiding her involvement in the room. I look at her in shock, and slight betrayal in the fact that Jess is actually coming to Lexi's defence.

"With the worry of Lexi and her reaction, it did allow you to keep those walls of yours firmly upright. Maybe you felt better justifying your actions that way, so you could tell yourself you wouldn't have any regrets if you didn't act on your feelings when really you were doing it to protect yourself."

I take in their suggestions and I want to refute, to tell them that they were wrong and that the blame wasn't on me, but I know that I then wouldn't be honest to myself and them. And after my whole big talk about putting the blame on people earlier, I couldn't possibly do the same to others to protect myself.

"I guess, maybe that's a little true," I reluctantly admit.

I can virtually see the restraint pushing through behind both Jess and Lexi's eyes as they refrain from cheering with joy at my admission of fault. It takes my own restraint to not place the blame on something or someone else for me being that way, but I pull through.

"Okay, so it's settled then. There's nothing holding you back. If you want to be with Theo and he feels the same then you get that guy. If you don't want to be with him, then also good for you. You can do whatever makes you happy Ella because we won't let anything get in your way," Lex proclaims.

A sense of relief, fear and anticipation simultaneously floods through me as the dam of emotions that had pent up within me lets down its walls.

Noticing the overwhelming flood of emotions I am experiencing in my revelation, Lexi wraps her arm around my shoulders and tugs me closer like she's the big sister.

"I mean, looking back at all of this now, you basically helped to raise me so it's not really a surprise that we have a similar type," she jokes, biting down on her lips as she smirks to suppress a chuckle. "Nate Archibald, Hugh Dancy in Ella Enchanted . . . I can see it now."

I gently slap her on her knee for her teasing but find myself choking on my laughter as I attempt to hold back the mental admission that she was kind of right. There is a pretty consistent theme in our attraction to men.

The three of us spend a decent amount of time after that running through the list of our celebrity crushes, bonding over our shared affections and remarking with astonishment at some of the admissions. I am then forced into yet another recount of my relationship with Theo for Lexi, though she obviously doesn't get a pass to all of the details that Jess does.

As the times passes and I find greater peace in my state of mind and emotions, I find myself thinking over how I'm done anxiously waiting to hear from Theo. Why can't I be the one who takes the initiative?

As Jess and Lexi surprisingly bond over something for once in conversation, I text him "Are you free to meet up?", an anxious smile held back as I bite down on my lower lip.

But I don't get a response.

Not in the ten minutes that pass, or the hour, or the six hours when Lexi has already gone home and Jess has retreated to her room.

The dread sinks deeper into my bones and the weight grows heavier in my heart as I leave myself on the edge waiting for a response. The rational part of me is repeating that this is normal and that I can't expect his life to revolve around me. But the insecure part of me that has been let down for too many times in my life for my liking- the one who was so incredibly reluctant to let her walls down for good reason - is on alert.

When the words appear on my screen I feel the last gulp of air leave my body.

'I can't do this anymore Ella.'