"Ms. Walters, did you hear what I said?" the lawyer my dad hired asked two days later as we met between my classes.

"Yeah," I replied quietly.

"I highly doubt they'll even consider ruling in his favor Ms. Walters, there shouldn't be a doubt in anyone's mind that you did it to save yourself and that you didn't mean to kill her," he remarked. His name was Jim, or maybe it was John, I couldn't remember because I was too busy worrying about the upcoming trial that was starting on Monday.

"I hope you're right," I said.

"You'll be fine," he said, "Don't sweat it."

"Thank you for your help," I said, "I need to get to lunch now before my afternoon classes."

"Give me a call if you have any questions before Monday," he said, handing me his card.

"Thanks," I said, slipping it in my pocket before walking out to Taylor's car that I was borrowing.

###

"How'd it go?" Whit asked as we ate a late lunch.

"I zoned out for most of it," I replied, moving my food around with my fork, "He said there's barely a chance they'll even consider ruling in her lawyer's favor."

"Well, that's good then," she said, "It starts Monday right?"

"Yeah," I replied.

"Do you know why they're trying to sue?" she asked.

"I don't know," I sighed, "This lawyer of hers is from Buffalo, he represented her when she got in trouble the first time and she got off without jail time. He represented her again when she finally got arrested and sent to prison a year later. It's sketchy, he's not some young guy who was working it pro-bono for experience, he came out of nowhere and offered to represent her after she got arrested."

"That just screams sketchy," she replied.

"Everything about my mother was sketchy," I sighed.

"I'm sorry I couldn't go back with you," she said, "I wanted to be there for you, but I couldn't miss my exam on Tuesday afternoon." 

"It's fine Whit, seriously, I didn't even want to be there for anything more than closure," I replied, "Besides, the fewer people that were there the better, she didn't deserve a funeral."

"Believe me, I know," she said, "What time do you have to be there?" she asked.

"Ten," I sighed.

"I'll go with you," she said, "If you want me to and Taylor will give me a ride." 

"I'll make sure he does," I replied.

"You'll be okay Tess, Taylor and I will be there for you no matter what, okay?" she said.

"Okay," I said.

###

I spent most of the weekend feeling anxious, I didn't want to step foot in that courtroom on Monday, I wanted it all to go away. I thought that being in Buffalo for the funeral would make me feel better and that I could put everything behind me after she was finally buried six feet deep in the ground and far away from ever being able to hurt me again.

The weekend flew by and before I knew it, I was sitting on the stand in one of four courtrooms in the county courthouse downtown Aladine. 

"Ms. Walters you may take the stand," the judge remarked on Monday as I nervously awaited my turn to speak.

"Ms. Walters, what is your relationship with the deceased?" my lawyer asked, walking toward the stand.

"She was my mother," I replied, my nervous hands folded at my lap.

Taylor and Whitney had sat in the front row behind my lawyer, Taylor had told me the night before to just keep looking at him if I was nervous so that's what I was trying to do.

"Ms. Walters, can you please tell us what happened when your mother came into Dr. Robins' office two weeks ago?" he asked.

"I was meeting with Dr. Robins when we heard something that sounded like gunshots in the lobby, she had me crouch under her desk and my mother busted in with a gun. Dr. Robins tried to get her to put it down but she shot her because she was looking for me," I replied, "She shot Dr. Robins and then I took Dr.Robins' gun and stood up. I begged her to put her gun down but she wouldn't. We got into an argument, she shot me in the leg. I fell back onto the floor, she had her finger on the trigger so I closed my eyes and started shooting until she hit the ground and I knew I was safe," I added, my voice growing quieter as I continued in my story.

"So you were afraid that your mother was going to kill you?" he asked.

"Yes sir," I replied.

"No further questions then Ms. Walters," he said.

"Ms. Walters, what was your relationship like with your mother?" her lawyer asked he approached the stand.

"I didn't have one for the past ten or so years," I replied, biting my lip.

"Why is that?" he asked.

"She was in prison for possession of narcotics and selling narcotics," I replied.

"What was your relationship like before that?" he asked.

"Everything was normal until I was seven," I said, taking a deep breath, "She'd start going out of town every weekend, saying it was for business. She'd come home late every other night and say she was working extra hours. But then my dad found out she got fired months before that so he cut her off from our money so she wouldn't run us broke. Then we found out she was selling drugs, but my dad couldn't prove it. She'd be gone for days on end and come back high, or recently off a high, but nobody could ever pin any crimes on her, so she kept coming around whenever she wanted until they pinned a drug sale on her when I was nine."

"So what you're saying is that your mother was distant, but you can't prove that she was actually involved in the selling of drugs?" he asked.

"She didn't just sell drugs, sir," I replied, taking a deep breath, "She was unfit to be a mother. She left me alone for three hours one afternoon because she sent the babysitter home and then got a call from a dealer and left. Another time, she sent the babysitter home again and brought one of her dealer friends home with her."

"So you resented your mother?" he asked, "You resented her for not being there for you and choosing to have a life outside of your house and your family?"

"No sir," I replied, "I resented the drugs that made her that way."

"How did you feel when you found out she was released from prison?" he asked.

"Angry, upset, scared," I replied.

"Scared of what?" he asked.

"That she'd try to find me again," I replied, "And she did, and I told her to stay away."

"Why?" he asked, "She was clean and sober, she wanted to be a part of your life, she came all the way to Michigan to be a part of your life."

"Because she hit me," I said, wringing my hands on my lap, "She hit me when I was little and I was scared to death to tell anyone so she got away with it," I said, my voice shaking and on the verge of tears, "I had reason to hate my mother, but I didn't hate her, I was afraid of her for twelve years but I sure as hell did not want her to die. I was afraid of her twelve years ago when I testified against her and I was afraid of her when she stormed into the office with a gun in her hand. I did what I had to do to stay alive but I didn't want her to die," I added, tears streaming down my face.

"So you're saying that your mother physically abused you but you never said anything?" he asked, "Or is this just an excuse for you to shoot her?"
"That's enough," the judge interjected.

"No further questions," he said before I could finally leave the stand and leave the courtroom.

As soon as I was off the stand and I made a beeline for the door out of the courtroom and out to the hallway and into the bathroom when the tears started flowing out of my eyes uncontrollably as I slid down the wall and onto the floor.

Nobody had known what my mother had done to me, except Aunt Linda. I hadn't even told my dad what she had done. I was afraid of my mother, I had never been so afraid of anything in my entire life. That fear had lingered in my soul for the past twelve years and rekindled when I found out she got out of prison. The night I saw her after the game, the night she grabbed my arm, it all came back at once and I froze, I didn't know what to do because all I could think about was the time she'd dragged me into my room by the hair or the time that she smacked me across the face or the time she pushed me into the wall because I was in her way one night.

"Tessa, are you in here?" Taylor said, opening the bathroom door a crack.

"Yeah," I choked, my face soaked in my own tears.

"Oh Tessa," he sighed, closing and locking the door behind him and sitting down next to me on the cold floor.

"I'm sorry I never told you," I sobbed as he took me in his arms.

"You don't have to be sorry for anything," he sighed, rubbing my back, "They took a recess, your lawyer said you can go home. Is that what you want to do?"
"Yeah," I choked.

"Good because I'd rather not get arrested in a courthouse for going in the girls' bathroom," he remarked, "Come on, let's go home," he said quietly as he took my sobbing self in his arms and carried me out to his car.

###

When I got back to Taylor's, I immediately curled up in a ball in his bed, still in my court clothes and pantyhose. I didn't move for hours and he didn't say a word, he went on with doing his laundry and putting away his clothes and doing his homework. He knew that things were different with this and that I would talk to him when I was ready.

But I didn't know if I would ever be ready.

"Do you want dinner Tess?" Taylor asked a few hours later.

"No," I replied quietly.

"Please don't do this Tess," he sighed, "Please, I can't stand to see you like this. Please talk to me about it."

"I lied to you," I sniffled, "I lied to everyone. She hit me, she grabbed my arm so hard it bruised, twice. She pulled me by the hair up the stairs and to my room one day because she was tired and I was bothering her. She sent the babysitter home and brought her dealer boyfriend over and I walked in on them so she had him pick me up and throw me over his shoulder and take me to my room. I hit my head on the wall and didn't tell anyone. I was afraid of her Taylor, that's why I was so worried when she got out."

"I'm so sorry baby," he said, coming over and sitting down next to me on his bed, my head on his lap.

"I'm sorry I lied to you," I choked, sitting up next to him.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, you did nothing wrong," he said, rubbing my back.

"But I lied to you, I never told you the whole story," I sobbed.

"You didn't have to," he said, rubbing my back gently as I cried into his chest.

"I can't stop thinking about it, ever since the night you got her off of me after the game, all she did was grab my arm and I was 7 years old again," I cried, "I can still feel her hand around my, my arm and feel her pulling my hair."

"Tessa I'm so sorry you went through that," he said quietly, now running his hand through my hair, "And I'm so sorry that you couldn't tell me and that it all had to get dug up. You never deserved any of this."

"I wish I would've told you," I choked.

"It's alright," he said, kissing my forehead, "We're going to be alright, you and me, okay?"

"Okay," I cried.

I had cried myself to sleep too many times to count in the past few weeks, but this time, as he held me in his arms, I finally felt like I was going to be alright.

###

***