Sometimes, you just want a quick fix.

Be it that you're on the road, roasting a suckling pig over a fire pit, or trying to make cacti taste anything but green — the most insipid of colors — we are often in quick need of delicious condiments, as fast as possible. You need space for all those bullets and duck tape you take in your travels after all.

Because the patent for our Condiment-a-tron has been put on hold since a Continental Ballistic Missile blew up the patent office, we will have to rely on the next best way to impart a bunch of flavor into our food — sauces! And no, we don't mean ketchup. Bringing ketchup into any food is like using a cannon to kill a fly. Sure, it works, but you will make more damage than good.

Sauce comes from the Latin salsus which means tasty liquid thang. Since we made sure that every Latin book was destroyed during the first wave of [INSERT CAUSE HERE] I am sure you won't be able to verify this claim. Some say that it actually means "salty" but we are unable to verify that, again, because every Latin book was destroyed.

The importance of sauces lies in that:

-They provide flavor, smell, texture and visual interest to the dishes it accompanies.

-They are part of a dish, improving, disguising or breaking down its flavor.

- Sometimes, it can be used as a cooking medium.

- Determines the name of a dish and can define its origin, depending on the products with which it is satisfied. Like tomato sauce, radiation sauce, Mabearpig sauce, and so on.

Sauces are the pride and joy of French cuisine, may they rest in pieces.

Sauces are used to complement and round out a flavor. They incorporate humidity and succulence to the preparations. They enhance the natural flavor of the products. They bring out joy to the lifeless, empty husks of civilization. They also add a visual flair that can't be compared.

To make a long story short, sauces are a versatile tool that will make you, the apocalyptic chef, stand out among the rubble. After finishing this chapter, you might want to hide, as roving bands of post-punk junkrats will most likely try to capture and kill you for your recipes.

Out of all the sauces, 5 are considered the most important, usually called Mother Sauces. Not because they are made with motherly love, because these are the 5 most basic sauces that can be transformed -- or give "birth" -- to other sauces. Look, I never said this analogy made sense. Blame the French for it.

These 5 sauces are Hollandaise, Veloute, Bechamel, Espagnole, and Tomato Sauce. They weren't creative enough to name the last one something funny and French like Hon-Hon-Baguette sauce.

Although they are very different, they all follow the same formula, which is liquid + a thickening agent + a stock. That's right! We will be using the stocks we made in the last chapter. That's called follow-through.

THICCENING AGENTS:

A thickening agent is an animal or vegetable element with a high protein content or starch, respectively, which allows us to give consistency, texture and increase viscosity in a preparation. We use them to make any sauce dummy thicc.

SCIENTIFIC MUMBO-JUMBO OF THICKENERS:

Starches give a thick consistency to preparations through the swelling of its molecules when hydrated, preferably used after a day at the gym for extra swolness, that is, when in contact with a liquid at high temperatures. This process is known as gelatinization. Some fats also give a thick consistency to preparations due to the emulsifying effect they possess.

THICKENING AGENTS OF THE PLANT KIND:

Starches: they are a type of carbohydrate that is found mainly in cereals, tubers and some fruits, such as energy reserve polysaccharides, and their concentration varies with the state of maturity.

The starches are: cassava, cassava, yam, potatoes, sweet potatoes, and in some grains like wheat, rice, and corn, extracted as a white powder.

ROUX:

It is a preparation in which flour is cooked with butter, in equal parts. The roux should acquire a gritty, moist, non-greasy appearance, like a buttery sand.

There are 3 types of roux and differ from each other by cooking time: pale -- used in white sauces --, blonde -- used in yellow sauces -- and dark gold or brown -- used in dark sauces. The higher the color, the more flavor, but less thickening power.

HOW TO DEVELOP A ROUX:

1. Place butter in a pan at low heat. In a pinch, you can also use normal oil for this.

2. Incorporate the flour in one go and move constantly until it becomes smooth. Remember that the ratio of butter to flour is 1 to 1.

3. Cook until you get the desired color. Pale yellow, hard yellow, or dark. 

By combining the roux with a liquid, this will thicken. They will smell like Fritos, so try not to eat it raw. You can make them ahead of time and place the in the fridge for later use. Or not. Do whatever you want. Sauces don't care, so why should I?

THICKENING AGENTS, ANIMAL STYLE:

Egg: It has a high cholesterol content, providing a velvety texture to the preparation and enriching it nutritionally. Is it anything an egg can't do?

Liaison: A thick cream and egg mixture which is incorporated into the preparations following the tempering method to confer a velvety and creamy texture, in addition to enriching the flavor, color and nutritional value of the preparation. Thickened egg or liaison preparations need to be put either cold or tempered -- that is, adding the liquid little by little -- to avoid it curdling.

Blood: Basically consists of proteins that coagulate due to the effect of heat gives viscosity to the preparation. Don't use human blood, if preferred, as we are coppery. As the vampire cult down the street for any substitute, they might have.

Blood is used to thicken stews in which meat is cooked together with the blood of the main product, for example, in the preparation of a deer civet where the stew is prepared with venison meat it thickens with its own blood. Pardon our French, but that's metal as fuck.

With that little thickening master class out of the way, let's hop in and make some mother sauces!

BECHAMEL:

It is a rather thick sauce to which a French and Italian origin is attributed. It is made by adding milk to a white roux. Since it is made with milk, it is a very good vehicle for dairy-based sauces and foods, such as Mac and cheese, Lasagna, Al Fredo sauce.

Bechamel Sauce:

Mise En Place:

2 tablespoons of Butter/Oil.

2 tablespoons Flour.

2 cups any kind of Milk, be it animal or vegetal.

Grounded Nutmeg to taste.

Salt and Pepper to taste.

1. Create a white roux in a pot with the Butter/Oil and Flour.

2. Add the milk, little by little, while whisking the roux.

3. Once fully integrated, and made sure they aren't any clumps, heat up at low heat.

4. Add salt, pepper, and nutmeg to taste. The nutmeg will give it a little extra twang. Again, if you don't like it, don't use it.

5. Once it thickens according to your wishes and commands like the master chef you are, remove the pot from the heat. As a rule of thumb, a sauce is thick enough when the sauce coats the back of a spoon and you can run a finger through it without it filling back up. This is known as the Nappe point.

6. Taste it and receive the salt, pepper, and nutmeg to taste. Always taste your food so you can know if it lacks salt or any other ingredient.

7. And done! You have a successful bechamel sauce.

VELOUTE:

It is a white sauce that is formed by a light stock which can be of poultry or veal, including a fish fumet, added to a white or blonde roux. Since it is based on a meat stock, it is used to augment the taste of meats or fish, being able to be turned into gravy, wine sauce, and meat-based foods.

Veloute Sauce:

Mise En Place: 

2 tablespoons Butter/Oil

2 tablespoons Flour.

2 cups Light Stock(Chicken, Beef, Veggies, Fish)

Salt and pepper to taste.

1. Make a light roux in a pot.

2. Add the stock little by little while whisking, making sure there aren't any clumps.

3. Once incorporated, let it simmer at low heat.

4. Once it reaches the Nappe point, add salt and pepper and remove from the heat.

5. Taste and rectify your seasoning.

6. Done!

ESPAGNOLE:

It is a dark sauce created by adding a Dark Stock to a Dark Roux. It has a very strong flavor, almost invasive, which makes it perfect for dark gravies, poutine, and demi-glaces.

Espagnole sauce:

Mise En Place: 

2 tablespoons Butter/Oil

2 tablespoons Flour.

1 tablespoon of tomato paste.

2 cups Dark Stock.

Salt and pepper to taste.

1. Make a dark roux in a pot.

2. Add the stock little by little while whisking, making sure there aren't any clumps.

3. Once incorporated, let it simmer at low heat.

4. Once it reaches the Nappe point, add the tomato paste, salt, and pepper and remove from the heat.

5. Taste and rectify your seasoning.

6. Done!

TOMATO SAUCE:

It is also known as Neapolitan but everyone but the french, it is a sauce which requires tomatoes of excellent quality and a care in its cooking. Not for the faint of heart. The final result is a thick, shiny and very aromatic sauce, perfect for pasta. Instead of using roux as a thickening agent, it used pectin which is a natural gelatin found in certain fruits and vegetables, like tomato.

Tomato Sauce:

Mise En Place:

300 g/ 1/2 lbs of Tomatoes, poached and skinless. The skin of the tomato is normally don't used because humans cannot process it properly, thus giving us acid. Unless you have a stache of Tumms, better to de-skin it. To skin a tomato, make small cross-cuts on the skin of the tomato, both at the bottom and the top, enough to only cut the skin without penetrating it all the way. Put them in boiling water for 5 minutes and remove to a reverse Bain-Marie to stop them from cooking. The skinny will come right out!

50 g/2 oz of Carrots in Brunoise.

50 g/2 oz of Celery in Brunoise.

50 g/ 2 oz of Onion in Brunoise.

Garlic to taste. There is no such thing as too little garlic. Worst case scenario, you can't be around vampires for a while.

1 tablespoon of oil.

2 tablespoon of tomato puree.

2 cups of Light Stock, preferably vegetables.

Salt and pepper to taste.

1.  Sweat vegetables in a pot with oil at low heat for 15 minutes.

2. Add the tomato and cook for 15 more minutes. Mash the tomatoes with a spoon.

3. Add the tomato puree, the stock, and add salt and pepper to taste.

4. This recipe doesn't have a Nappe point, so cook until thick enough for your taste. We want it chonky. A real chonkeroo. Chunkahunka.

5. Remove from heat, taste, and rectify flavor.

6. Done!

HOLLANDAISE SAUCE:

This one is one of the trickiest ones to make, as it is an "Emulsion" sauce. An emulsion is the unification of two liquids that cannot mix normally, like people from Boston and New York, or Anime fans and Basic Hygiene, or a baseball bat to one of them radiative ghosts. By applying force, we can make them coexist in a single sauce.

By the way, you are the force. This is going to be a great arm workout.

There are two types of emulsion: Stables, which means once they are fused, they stay fused, as we are using a medium that makes them live in harmony, like a marriage counselor, and unstable, which is merely a temporary fusion which disappears over time, like trying to stay together by trying to see other people.

Hollandaise sauce, luckily, is a stable emulsion, as we fuse vinegar and butter with the help of the humble egg. Make sure to comment "thank you, Mr. Egg."

The Hollandaise sauce, because of its velvety acidic taste, it goes excellent with white meats like chicken or fish.

Hollandaise Sauce:

M

ise En Place:

3 egg yolks.

1 tablespoon of vinegar.

1 tablespoon of white wine(optional)

1 cup Melted butter.

50 g/ 2 oz Onions or Shallots in Brunoise.

Salt and Pepper to taste.

1 beater or whisk.

1. Add onion to a skillet with the white wine and vinegar and heat until the liquid has been reduced by half. This is called a reduction. Set aside for now.

2. Heat up a pot of water.

3. Place the yolks one steel or glass bowl and lightly whisk until they are incorporated. Add your reduction now.

4. You now need to put the bowl inside the water pot. This is called a Bain-Marie, which is used to slowly and uniformly heat foods that need a delicate, yet uniform heat source, mixing properties of convection and conduction. Start to whisk the yolks until a thick, velvety sauce is made.

5. Add the melted butter in a drizzle as you whip the mixture. You need to apply constant force. You will be the most vulnerable at this moment, so expect surprise attacks from your enemies. Keep whisking and whisking until you add the entirely of the butter.

6. When the eggs and butter become one and achieve the Nappin point, remove from heat. Add salt and pepper to taste.

7. And you're done!

And these are the mother sauces. You can make them in advance and keep them refrigerated. By themselves, they're not the tastiest of sauces. But add a few ingredients, and you will have a ton of interesting new flavors that will make that bulk of rice be the tastiest rice ever!