The main commandment of the apocalyptic chef is not to waste a single thing.

Every ingredient in the kitchen has to be used fully -- bones, seeds, peels, and even that big avocado pit that seems useless has a purpose, since you can use to bludgeon a marauder to death in a pinch.

We are working with limited resources, and have to make them last to survive. At least long enough to be rescued by the small resistance that needs your expertise to solve the current crisis. Cans of Chef Boyardee can only keep you alive so much before the artificial sugar of the marinara sauce gives you a diabetic coma. You will have to learn how to do your own marinara sauce if you want your Italian cravings fulfilled in the wasteland.

This brings us to today's subject: Stocks.

They are the base of every delicious soup or sauce, which you eat a lot of during these trying times. Radioactive slugs taste so much better with a drizzle of hollandaise on top.

You see, to make a successful dish, us apocalyptic chefs have to build flavors in layers, like a house made out of bricks you can eat. Horrible safe houses to be sure, but you get the point. We craft an overall flavor by adding tastes and aromas with spices and herbs.

Which is weird that we use plain-old water to make things like sauces or soups. We are adding what amounts to no flavor, and even diluting existing ones, just because momma used to make it like that. That makes no sense. Why don't we use that opportunity to add something both tasty and nutritious and no, beer doesn't count. Last thing we want is something that dehydrates you. Especially since your post-crisis Coors Light was probably brewed in some dude's toilet. Why drink another man's beer toilet when you can make your own?

But I'm digressing. Stocks, as they are, are the foundation of this hypothetical flavor house, as it is flavored water, to put it simply. Kind of like a savory Lacroix, only less disappointing.

Stocks are extractions of aromatic and nutrients via boiling water, creating a liquid that has the nutritional value, color, taste, and smell of the things it was extracted from. Basically, stocks are a watery soup used as a base in cooking.

And what does that have to do with waste? Well, I glad you hypothetically asked that question, because it has everything to do with it! Stocks are made with leftover waste like bones and veggie peels!

Anything that you add the stock to will have not only the flavor, but the nutritious value of the thing, which make stocks one of the most versatile tools the apocalyptic chef has as its disposal.

Let's say that you, as the avid prepper that you were, panic-bought sacks of plain white rice in preparation for society's doom. Good job! But the thing is, plain white rice tastes like warm nothing. With stocks, however, you can make rice that tastes like veggies, or beef, or chicken, or anything, really! You will never be tired of white rice. Tell that over and over again until you actually believe it, you psycho.

Just because we don't like the texture of a carrot peel or a celery stalk doesn't mean that they don't have nutrients left to give. It is our duty as apocalyptic chefs to milk every ounce of taste out of what we have. And waste we have!

The best part of the stock is that you can keep the ingredients in the freezer, all in a bag, and take them out to use and reuse as you please. Instant stock! So don't waste your peels and bones!

ELEMENTS THAT MAKE UP A STOCK:

All the composition elements that make up a stock have a specific function, not unlike the rickety planks that make that shoddy line of defense around the perimeter of your house. Seriously, go steal some barbie wire from a gated community. Those are a dime a dozen.

1. Nutritious elements: They provide the characteristic flavor to the stock. They also grant consistency, determined by the amount of protein (collagen and elastin) that they contain. These elements should be soluble in water, such as: bones, carcasses, spines, and the shells of crustaceans. They also provide nutrients such as: carbohydrates carbon, minerals and vitamins.

2. Aromatic elements: They complement the flavor and aroma of the stock. These are: Mirepoix (carrot, celery, onion), Bouquet Garnie (Herbs tied up in a bunch), and Sachet d´ Epice(a little cotton bag filled with spices), and so on.

3. Cooking elements: things that allows the extraction of flavor, which means water. You should always start with a cold liquid since it makes it easier to extract flavors.

4. Seasoning elements: They bring out and accentuate the particular flavors of all the elements. The most common are salt and pepper.

5. Fatty elements: They contribute to speed up the extraction process of the elements. These are oil, butter, and of course, the fat of the main product.

TYPES OF STOCKS.

We can say that there are different varieties of stocks, depending on the bones that are used and if they are roasted or not, of which I will mention the following:

1. CLEAR STOCKS:

- Light Beef Stock.

- Light Bird Stock. (Don't use crow for fuck's sake. I know there are plenty and you might be tempted to eat them, but they taste like the devil.)

- Fish Stock.

- Fumet (shellfish or fish).

- Bou Court Bouillon (short stock).

- Vegetable stock.

We can say that a light stock is a preparation in which the bones and/or veggies are used as is, without roasting. Just throw that sucker into a pot and heat it up. Even a baby can do it. Don't make a baby stock, as delicious as they might look.

These types of stock must be perfectly clear, translucent, rich in flavor, aroma, with good consistency and the color should go a range from light yellow to golden, like the urine of a well-hydrated athlete. There is one type of light stock that follows some different rules, however.

Fumet (crustaceans or fish): Apart from the characteristics already mentioned, the ingredients -- mostly the shell of shellfishes or spines of fish -- are "sweated" previously to speed up the extraction process. An acid is added later, which can be wine or vinegar, so that when using the stock a cooking medium, the product does not fall apart inside it.

2. DARK STOCKS:

- Dark Beed Stock

- Hunting Stock

The dark stocks, on the other hand, are preparations in which the bones and/or veggies are roasted first, resulting in a liquid with a more pronounced aroma, good consistency and with a distinctive intense flavor of the main ingredient roasted. Like the light stock, it must be translucent and its color can go from dark gold to amber color, like the urine of a man who hadn't had a drink in days.

If you read this, sent me some water. I can only get mildew in the ditch the neo-inquisitors tossed me in after saying that pasta is just wavy rice.

METHOD FOR SWEATING INGREDIENTS WITHOUT TAKING THEM FOR A LIGHT JOG:

This process is used to accelerate the extraction of aromas and flavors contained in the product. Through this method, you can sweat ingredients such as mirepoix, bones, shells of crustaceans, and that little flabby belly of yours, you chubs. Cardio is the best exercise for when you have to outrun the werepugs.

It should be noted that the products should sweat, not fry, so you must control both the temperature, the fat and the quantity of products that are incorporated into the container in which the product will be sweated.

1. Heat a little butter or oil in a frying pan. At low heat. Add the bones or mirepoix

2. Cook with low heat, occasionally stirring until the color of the bones dull, or the color of the shells intensifies, or when the mirepoix begins to release moisture.

METHOD FOR ROASTING BONES AND MIREPOIX WITHOUT BEING A STANDUP COMEDIAN.

This is used to impart a golden color to the bones and mirepoix, and to make them slightly uncomfortable with your racy jokes.

1. Preheat the oven to 200°C/400°F.

2. Place a small layer of oil on a tray and add the bones/veggies in a single layer and without overlapping them. Brown them in the oven and turn them occasionally so that they cook evenly. The browning process can take up to 2 hours.

3. Tell them how their father didn't like them, but, like, in a playful manner.

4. When the bones and mirepoix are fully roasted, remove from the oven and place them in a pot.

5. Taking advantage of the temperature of the tray just taken out of the oven, we will break down the fond in a technique called Deglazing, which consists of adding a liquid (tomato puree, red wine, the tears of your enemies, etc.) and scraping them with a wooden spoon to get all the flavors and juices that were caramelized and were left in the tray during the roasting. We will add this to the pot as well.

6. Add cold liquid and aromatic elements.

BASIC PREPARATION METHOD

Besides a few differences, all stocks are made the same. They are all children of Atomic Jesus. They normally follow this preparation:

Place the main ingredient (bones, veggies, baby, etc.) and the mirepoix in a pot, fill it with cold water, maximum 5 cm/1 inch over the ingredients, and begin to boil slowly. Nice and easy. Some weary travelers might approach you in the middle of the night attracted by your cooking skills. They will not harm you. Woo them with your tale of survival as you add the aromatic elements (bouquet garni, sache d´epice, etc.)

Constantly lather to remove toxins and impurities.

Boil over low heat, for the appropriate time, depending on how pure you want your stock.

Pass the stock through a strainer. Place in a suitable container for cooling. You can keep it in your fridge, froze it, or use as it is. Give a cup to the weary travelers to soothe their souls. That's how you make friends. They will return later to pay you forward.

But let's hop on and make some stocks! No better way to learn than to do them first hand. We will use white rice to visualize the damn thing.

Vegetable Stock:

Mise En Place:

1 Leek Leaf.

100 gr/3.5 oz Carrot Peels or Carrots, roughly chopped.

100 gr/3.5 oz Celery leaf or Celery stalk, roughly chopped.

100 gr/3.5 oz Onion shells or Onion, roughly chopped.

4 cups of water.

1 Bouquet Garni(Bay leaf, thyme, parsil stems, tied up with twine).

1 tablespoon of Butter.

1 cup of white rice.

1. Wash and disinfect every ingredient.

2. Roughly cut the vegetables.

3. Sweat the vegetables in butter for 15 minutes at medium-low in a pot.

4. Add the water and the bouquet garni, heating them at medium heat.

5. When it begins to boil, lower to low heat again. Let simmer for 1 to 2 hours.

6. Strain and let cool.

7. Add one cup of rice and two cups of veggie stock into a pot, salt to taste, and heat at medium-low heat until the rice is cooked.

8. Taste your veggie rice!

Light Chicken Stock:

Mise En Place:

100gr/3.5 oz Chicken Wings or Chicken bones.

1 Leek Leaf.

100 gr/3.5 oz Carrot Peels or Carrots, roughly chopped.

100 gr/3.5 oz Celery leaf or Celery stalk, roughly chopped.

100 gr/3.5 oz Onion shells or Onion, roughly chopped.

4 cups of water.

1 Bouquet Garni(Bay leaf, thyme, parsil stems, tied up with twine).

1 tablespoon of Butter.

1 cup of white rice.

1. Wash and disinfect every ingredient.

2. Roughly cut the vegetables.

3. Sweat the vegetables in butter for 15 minutes at medium-low in a pot. Add the chicken wings and sweat for 5 minutes.

4. Add the water and the bouquet garni, heating them at medium heat.

5. When it begins to boil, lower to low heat again. Let simmer for 1 to 2 hours.

6. Strain and let cool.

7. Add one cup of rice and two cups of veggie stock into a pot, salt to taste, and heat at medium-low heat until the rice is cooked.

8. Taste your chicken rice!

Dark Beef Stock:

Mise En Place:

100 gr/3.5 oz Beef bones.

1 Leek Leaf.

100 gr/3.5 oz Carrot Peels or Carrots, roughly chopped.

100 gr/3.5 oz Celery leaf or Celery stalk, roughly chopped.

100 gr/3.5 oz Onion shells or Onion, roughly chopped.

4 cups of water.

1 Bouquet Garni(Bay leaf, thyme, parsil stems, tied up with twine).

1 tablespoon of oil.

2 tablespoons Red Wine.

1 tablespoon Tomato Paste.

1 cup of white rice.

1. Wash and disinfect every ingredient.

2. Roughly cut the vegetables.

3. Roast the bones for 2 hours. Roast vegetables for half an hour. Deglaze the tray with the wine and tomato sauce. Add the deglaze, the bones, and the veggies into a pot.

4. Add the water and the bouquet garni, heating them at medium heat.

5. When it begins to boil, lower to low heat again. Let simmer for 1 to 2 hours.

6. Strain and let cool.

7. Add one cup of rice and two cups of veggie stock into a pot, salt to taste, and heat at medium-low heat until the rice is cooked.

8. Taste your dark beef rice!

Of course, these are but a few of the several stocks we can make. We will be making more of then as we progress, but with these at least you won't starve yourself. Familiarize yourself with the technique, and you will be on your way to being the perfect apocalyptic chef!