[ this shit hurts. // song is by palaye royale

warnings: language, hopeless crushes, etc

concept: "i fell in love with my best friend, (s)he fell in love with you instead."
falling for your best friend hurts, but it hurts worse when you watch them fall for someone else.

it's in lewis' point of view

idk why i'm writing this

stay safe,
lew. ]

—————————

I hate myself.

Sure, doesn't every teenager say that? I'm not anything special.

I'm Lewis, I'm seventeen, and I'm in love with my best friend.

It didn't start that way.

It sort of started a year before I even met him. I was in a new town, with new people, and all I had was my mom, my brother, and withdrawal symptoms.

I spent so many nights absolutely exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. And even when it was the depression wearing me out, I still couldn't sleep.

Which, that really sucked, because every thought I had was degrading, another hit to my astronomically low self esteem. At least if I fell asleep, I'd have the chance to dream of something happy. Most of the time, I had shitty nightmares instead.

The past two years had changed my entire personality. I had to protect myself, not show weakness or fear. And then, I had to reteach myself that it was okay to be myself again.

None of my classmates wanted to talk to me. I smelled like an ashtray, I talked back to teachers, and I skipped class or left early a lot. I don't blame them for treating me the way they did, because I was an asshole to them.

The summer between junior and senior year, I made up my mind. I was going to turn everything around, even though it seemed impossible.

My mom deserved a better son than a former junkie who was barely passing his classes. So, at first, my priority was to try and make my mom proud of me again.

And therein lies my problem.

That priority lasted for less than a month, because three weeks in, I met Logan.

Logan quickly became the reason I tried to stop smoking. I wanted to be friends with him, which was a weird feeling.

Obviously, as superficial as it sounds, I noticed his looks first. The guy's hot as hell. He knows it. He didn't look like a high school kid.

And he made me feel like I was actually special. Like my thoughts were important, my ideas deserved to be heard. He made me feel like I wasn't invisible or a horrible stain on the world.

I guess I started falling after he convinced my mom to tell me the truth. I was shocked, excited, and annoyed all rolled into one. My mom had been keeping what she really was, and by extension, what I was, a secret for years.

He came over so I could show him what fundamental skills I'd learned since the confession. I know I looked happier. I felt happier. I told him about the flower I grew, and the significance it held, then I handed it to him.

He tucked it behind my ear, and I acted like a fucking fool by blushing and averting my gaze.

It was at that point that I realized, fuck, I'm getting a crush on him.

That was an admission that freaked me out. I'm terrified of rejection and ruining my friendships because I can't keep my feelings from turning less than platonic.

It only got worse from there.

It's three days before I turn eighteen. I'm writing these thoughts down in my songwriting notebook, and I'm in a hotel room in New York. Logan's asleep beside me, but I have to get these thoughts down so I can fall asleep.

I guess now would be the time to talk about Harry.

Harry is Logan's boyfriend.

I have a major crush on someone who is a) my best friend, b) way out of my league, and c) taken. It's so pathetic.

They got together before I first realized I was falling. I guess it's a good thing, though. I knew I didn't have a chance from the start. It would've hurt worse to think I could be with him, and then he starts dating someone else.

Literally, I'm the asshole in this situation. Harry's never done anything to me, and I don't like him based on the simple fact that he's got something I want. What the fuck is this, kindergarten?

I just wish I could get this all off my chest, to someone who wouldn't judge me or meddle-

————

"Lewis, you're gonna fuck up your eyes if you keep trying to work in the dark," Logan mumbles.

The sound scares me. I slam the book shut, and he lets out a tired chuckle.

"Calm down, everything's fine. Have you slept yet?"

I throw the notebook into my clothes bag, then turn to face him. "Not yet. Had something on my mind."

"Wanna talk about it?"

His eyes are a bit unfocused, it's easy to tell he's still tired. And yet, he's checking up on me.

I don't deserve to have him in my life.

"It's okay. I think I'm good," I tell him, laying down fully as I study his face. The moonlight coming in from the window casts dramatic shadows across his features. It's captivating, honestly.

He sighs, clearly unhappy with my answer. I want to share things with him, but not this. I can't let this secret get out. "Try to sleep. We've got a long day and a late night tomorrow."

"Okay. Sweet dreams, Logan."