H.H.S.A Guidebook for New Inhabitants
Originally published in 803 A.D by V. Atticus
Edition 34
__________

12. Every Halfway House has a 'Senior Initiative', whose job it is to aid newcomers in the transition from life to death. The role is entrusted to those who have been here for many years longer than the rest of their Inhabitants. Senior Initiatives help newcomers as they cope with the trauma of death, and are prepared for violent or hysterical outbursts in the first few days. It is a very difficult and thus highly respected position.

__________

In the days after her outburst, I ended up spending a lot of time with Gwen as she recovered in the hospital wing. In the wake of what happened, I decided it was best that I switch Senior Initiative duties with X. He was now in charge of Caine. I wanted to take both of them, but it'd be too difficult to handle and X would never accept it. I still kept an eye on Caine, and visited him periodically to make sure he was handling things okay. I spent most of time in the hospital with Gwen, usually spending much of my day there. I know from experience that being hospitalised is deathly boring, and that it's best that she has something to take her mind off of things.

I'm actually quite fond of Gwen. She's a sweet girl, quiet and introspective. She read a lot to pass the time, and as our librarian I was all too happy to bring her what she wanted from upstairs. She wanted to reread the books Flowers for Algernon and 100 Years of Solitude.

"Hey, Above?" Gwen had said during one of our visits, three days after her hospitalisation. Her voice was still hoarse, and there were deep, jagged stitches over her neck, arms, and torso. It was a grisly sight, but by the end of the week there wouldn't be so much as a scar left on her body to remind her of what had happened.

"Yeah, what's up?" I said, closing the book I'd been reading.
"You and X are close, right?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Uhm... how's he been lately?" She asked. "I... haven't seen him since I was hospitalised."

"Wait, what?" I said. For her sake I tried to hide my alarm, but this was news to me. "You mean he hasn't come to visit you?"

Gwen shook her head, mystified.

"...Christ. I can't believe that man. I'm sorry." I muttered, shaking my head. "X... I've been training him to take over as Senior Initiative, but it's a hard job. He's not used to seeing people break down like that. And because I put him in charge of you, I'm sure he blames himself for what happened."

Gwen lowered her gaze. Her expression was pained.
"...I'm sorry." She said. Sorry. Lately, she's done nothing but apologise. "It's not his fault. Not at all."
"Of course it isn't." I replied. "But... give X some time. He'll come see you soon enough."
"...Okay."
Her eyes travelled to the other side of the hospital room, where there was a large arrangement of flowers from people wishing her well. These past couple of days she's been warming up to the others, but there was a marked sadness in her eyes that showed she was still deeply troubled.

"...I'm so ungrateful." She said softly. "Everyone was kind enough to give me flowers and I'm upset because one guy didn't. I dreamt that he came to see me and was disappointed when it didn't happen for real. Isn't that stupid?"

I shook my head.
"It isn't. I would be upset if I were you too. He's the person you're closest to here, isn't he?"
"I guess." She replied. "But he's with you, right?"

I gave her a funny look.
"'With?' No, my relationship with him isn't like that. I'm... dating Ryuzaki. X is a close friend."
"O-Oh..."
"Why, are you interested in him?"

Gwen's face flushed with color.
"N-No!" She insisted, shaking her head wildly. "I... I didn't say that! Besides, it doesn't matter. He probably doesn't like trans women."
"Did he say that?"
"Well, no, but..."
"-I'll tell you this, Gwen." I said, crossing my arms. "The Senior Initiative before me was a trans, and X would flirt with her just as relentlessly as he would any other girl. He didn't so much as bat an eye. You're fine."

"...Yeah, but it's not like he flirts with me." She said weakly, her blanket balled up in her fists.
I scoffed.
"If he did, I'd bury him on the spot. He may be a lecher, but even he wouldn't hit on a girl who just died."
"Well, when you put it like that..."
"Look, Gwen. It's obvious that you're both special to each other. You're better off admitting it than being in denial. I know from experience."

She caught onto this, curious.
"When you say experience, are you talking about Ryuzaki?"
I nodded.
"That's such a sweet pairing. You two suit each other."
I smiled a little.
"Thank you."
"He's new, isn't he? How did you guys get together?"
"Well... we knew each other in life." I admitted.
"Really? How so?"
"...It's not a very happy story." I warned her. "He blamed himself for my suicide, and I kind of blamed him too. It's only now that I've come to forgive him, and we ended up together somehow."

"Oh." Her expression darkened. "...So you killed yourself, then."

I nodded.
"I... tried to kill myself once." She told me, her head bowed. "It's funny, you know. When I was alive I was a suicidal wreck, but now that I really am dead all I want is to go back. I miss my cat, and I miss my friends. Do you ever get like that?"

I thought about this for a moment.
"To be honest, no." I said, rather unemotionally. "There's nothing on Earth for me to miss. But you're different. Your life was stolen from you, and you had things worth living for."

Gwen stared down at her hands.
"...I'm so stupid." She said all of the sudden. "What was I thinking, getting a fake ID so I could feel wanted by some guy at a bar? I should've known better. Now all I am is a statistic."

I folded my arms together.
"Why would you blame yourself instead of the man that killed you in cold blood?" I asked her. "What about all the other women killed in the same way? Should they have known better? No. The problem isn't you, it's people who would kill for reasons so stupid and hateful."

She was quiet for a long time after that.
"I guess you're right." She said eventually. Her eyes were glassy. "But it's hard."

But it's hard.
The simplicity of her words resonated me. In that moment, I couldn't help but feel for her.

"Yeah, it is." I replied. "It's really hard. It'll be awhile before you're able to process everything you've been through. But... time heals all wounds. It won't hurt like this forever."

A knock on the door interrupted us. Gwen jerked her head up, alarmed, but slowly relaxed. Once she trusted a person she was warm and kind, but strangers made her recoil.

"Come in." She said hoarsely.

The door opened and there was Ryuzaki, holding a plate.
"Hey." He said to Gwen, smiling. "I hope I'm not interrupting. I heard you liked macaroons, so I got you some from downstairs."

Gwen's face lit up at this.
"Oh, wow! Thank you, Ryuzaki." She gushed, taking the plate from him. "That's so sweet of you."
"No problem." He replied, smiling coolly. "It's courtesy of me and X."

"...X?" She and I exchanged a look.
"Yeah. He's the one who told me you liked them."
"Oh... well, tell him I said thanks, and that I want to see him."
"Will do." Ryuzaki replied. There was a knowing look in his eyes that told me he knew their situation. "Do you mind if I steal Above for a little bit?"
"Sure. Date, I'm guessing?"

"Something like that." He flashed me a dumb grin and I shook my head (though I was smiling too). I've come to realise that Ryuzaki is actually a hopeless show-off. It's embarrassing at times, but I admit it's endearing.

"Well, who am I to stop you?" Gwen said, and waved us off. "Go have fun. I'll be here enjoying my 'roons."

We laughed and said good-bye, walking down the hall to the lift. One we were out of earshot, Ryuzaki spoke up.

"Can I be honest with you, Above?"
I gave him a funny look.
"...Sure."
"I heard what you were talking about with Gwen back there."
"Mm." I wasn't particularly surprised. "How much did you hear?"
"I came to the door when she said she tried to kill herself."

I glanced over at him. Was he being honest? His expression was as inexplicable as it always was, so no clues there. I could only assume he heard everything.

"So, did X really tell you she liked macaroons?" I asked.
"Yeah, before she was hospitalised."
"Have you talked to him lately?"
He shook his head.
"When he's not with Caine, he likes to be by himself. "
"Gwen told me he hasn't come to see her yet."

He turned to look at me, startled.
"What? It's been three days already, hasn't it?"
"Yeah. That's why I'm worried."
Ryuzaki sighed, and tucked his hands in his pockets.
"X has a soft spot for Gwen." He said as we came to the lift. "I saw it when he introduced me. I can tell he really cares about that girl. Maybe it's romantic."

"Maybe." I muttered, walking in. "Anyways, where to?"
"I was thinking the roof, but we can go wherever."
"...The roof sounds nice."
He turned and smiled at me, then took my hand in his.
"You know, it's been awhile since I've seen you."
"Miss me?"
"Terribly."

I laughed and kissed him on the cheek. He was cute like that. It's the little things, really. It keeps me going.

☥ ☥ ☥

As it turns out, I was right to be worried. We came to the roof and found none other than X, passed out facedown next to the pool surrounded by empty liquor bottles and cigarette butts.

"-X?!" I let go of Ryuzaki's hand and ran over to him. He reeked of alcohol and cigarettes.
Swearing loudly, I pushed him onto his back. Slowly he began to stir.

"Wake up." I demanded. He groaned, and slowly opened his eyes.
"...Above?" When he saw the look on my face, he groaned and turned to his side.
"Urrrr.... I was just coming to get some air."
"You have a funny way of doing it. Is this what you've been up to all this time while you've been avoiding Gwen?"
"...Gwen?"
"Gwen."
"Mrmmm... piss off."

Ryuzaki appeared next to me, looking down at X curled up on the concrete.
"Well, this is unfortunate." He was examining him with the same clinical gaze he so often wore. "It's good we got here before anyone else. Otherwise it would've been an incident."
I only sighed. "Yeah, I guess. He should thank us for sparing him the intervention he'd have gotten if the Initiatives found out. Help me carry him inside. There's a bed in the poolhouse we can take him."

Ryuzaki nodded, and lifted X up by the shoulders while I grabbed his legs. We waddled over to the house panting, and then finally heaved him onto the bed.

The poolhouse on the roof is pretty big. There's showers, two beds, a Spawner, a pool table, etc. Me and Ryuzaki pulled a blanket over him and, unsurprisingly, X passed out entirely. We both stared down at him with blank expressions.

"So... what now?" He asked.
I let out a small sigh.
"Just let him sleep. I'll chew him out later. We still have to clean up the mess he made and take it to the incinerator." I turned to leave, but was stopped when Ryuzaki took my hand.

"Wait." He said. His eyes were full of concern.
"What?"
"You're upset, aren't you?"
My expression turned cold. "What kind of question is that?"

Ryuzaki looked away.
"Sorry." He said, wincing. "I just mean... I'll take care of cleaning, okay? You just stay put."
"...Do what you want."
He broke into a smile, relieved, and planted a kiss on my forehead before running off.
I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I knew he was just worried, and I hated that. He cares too much for his own good.

With nowhere to go, I sat down in the bed opposite of X, who was completely dead to the world. Even asleep he looked troubled, as if he were having a bad dream.

X. Clearly, switching duties with him only made him feel worse. But what else was I supposed to do? I couldn't just leave him in charge of her. As his mentor I'm responsible for him, but I put him in a bad position.
I buried my face in my hands.

Fucking idiot.

Some time later, I heard Ryuzaki's footsteps and looked up to see him peeking his head into the room. His expression was impossible to read.

"I just got back from downstairs." He said. "Everything's cleaned up. Oh, and I got you some iced coffee."
"Oh... thank you." I said, taking the drink hesitantly. His kindness was appreciated, but it made me uncomfortable. I'm not used to people taking care of me.

"...Do you still want to go to the roof?" I asked.
"Yeah, sure. I'll go get us a blanket."
"I thought you didn't get cold easily."
"I don't. It's for you."
"...How considerate."
He just laughed.

Together we climbed up onto the deck facing east. It was starkly cold, still morning, and so foggy that you could only see about ten feet in front of you. I smoked a cigarette, then bundled up under the blanket with Ryuzaki, who was sitting on the ground and gazing out at the horizon. He kissed me on the cheek when I sat down, bringing an arm around my waist.

"Ryuzaki." I said.
"Yeah?" He was smiling.
"Take care of X for me when I'm gone, will you?"

His expression darkened.
"I really hate it when you talk about is kind of thing, you know."
"What kind of thing?"
"You talk like you're going to Crumble at any moment. I know you've been making preparations and I get why, but... I don't know. I just hate it. I don't want to think about you leaving."

I stared down at my lap.
"Sorry." I whispered. "But I won't be here forever, so I need you to make sure he's okay."

"Of course I will. You don't need to tell me."

"...Thank you." My voice was small. "I just... this'll probably lengthen his stay even more, and he's been here four years already. I don't want him ending up like me."

"There's nothing wrong with being like you." Ryuzaki said. He was gazing out at the grey sky, inscrutable as ever. "Everyone does things in their own time. There's no rush. We have all the time in the world, remember?"
"...I know." I whispered. "If had my way, I'd stay here with you. But it's not up to me."
He smiled.
"I might just be selfish, but I'm glad you've been here so long. Otherwise I never would've met you."
"You are selfish. Do you know how bored I've been all these years?"
"Well, was I worth it?"
"...I'm not answering that."

Ryuzaki laughed and pulled me closer. I let him wrap both of his arms around me. We sat in peaceful silence, basking in each other's heat to stave off the cold.

Ryuzaki.
Sitting there I realised that I loved him. I loved him a lot. Our past couldn't matter less. What mattered was that he was here beside me, and he cares for me.
He's a good person... and I'm glad he's here.

The words were out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying.
"I love you too." He replied, and I knew he meant it.

I wanted to cry, but I closed my eyes instead.

I'm an orphan. I came into this world addicted to narcotics, alone and unwanted. I don't think anyone's ever told me that before.

☥ ☥ ☥

X was out until around noon. Ryuzaki was taking a midday nap on the deck while I sat patiently and waited for X to wake, blowing smoke through the window with a cigarette dangling out of my mouth.

"Mrrrnn... Above?"
"So you're up."
He stirred, his eyes blotchy and irritated.

"I'm in trouble, aren't I?"
"You are. I can't leave this place if this is the state my successor's in."
"Then don't."
"...You know it's not up to me, X."

He muttered something to himself in Japanese, then sat up straight.
"Can I bum a cig?"
"Go ahead." He took one of my Newports and stuck it in his mouth, lighting it with a match. He exhaled a large cloud of smoke, then glanced back at me.

"...Are you mad?" He asked, an eyebrow raised. Calmly I met his gaze.
"Your choices are your own." I said evenly. "But you can't stay like this. You need to visit Gwen. You're worrying her."

X let out a sigh, tapping his cigarette on the ashtray.
"...I can't bring myself to look at her." He said.
"At what? Gwen?"
He nodded, eyes clouded.
"I've seen my friends get blown up and shot to death right in front of me, but it's different when they're the one who hurt themselves. There's no one I can blame, nothing to avenge, nothing I can do. I can't look at her wounds knowing I could've prevented it. I just can't."

"X." I said, drawing a deep breath. "Our job isn't to heal people's soul anomalies or prevent their suffering, because that's a necessary part of their transition. Gwen was suffering long before coming here, and there's nothing you can do to change that. We can't fix people's pain, all we can do is be there for them, hold their hand and help them get through it the same way we had to. And right now, you need to put your feelings aside and be there for Gwen. Your absence is only troubling her."

X was quiet for awhile. There was only the sizzling of tobacco, the light breeze coming in from outside.

"...I'll do it." He finally said. "I'll go see her."
"Will you?"
"Yeah, on one condition. Let me take over for her again when she's discharged."
I raised an eyebrow.
"...Can you can handle it? Don't bite off more than you can chew."
He nodded, standing up. "I can handle it. I'll visit her tonight and apologise. Hopefully I can make it up to her. Besides, I need to stop worrying you two."
"Shower first. You still reek of alcohol."
X laughed.
"Oh, and another thing." I said
"Yeah?"
"Bring her flowers. White chrysanthemums."
"Chrysanthemums? That's what we put on graves in Japan."

I nodded.
"They're for the grieving. Just trust me."
"...Alright." He said, dipping his head. There was something solemn in his expression that put a heaviness to his words. "I'll be in your care."

☥ ☥ ☥

3243