X

On January 18th, 2007, Above Asphodel was found in their room, reduced to dust.

Above wouldn't have expected their passing to have provoked the reaction it did, but in the days after the entire Halfway House mourned their loss.

A cloud of grief hung over the entire institution after hearing the news of Above's passing. A person Crumbling is always a sad event of course, but Above's was particularly painful. They were loved, respected, trusted. Every single one of us save for me was greeted by them upon death, and held a special place in everybody's hearts. In their writings Above likes to describe themself as stiff and unemotional, but that isn't how we saw them. They never seemed to notice their own gentleness; how their calm disposition soothed the internal chaos that strangles us all when we first arrive here. All of us leaned on Above when we were at our lowest (myself included), and their departure left a void that couldn't be filled.

Even the cat was out of sorts. For days Psychopomp slept on Above's armchair in the library, inconsolable, until Ryuzaki took him in and they mourned together. Nowadays Ryu's the Psycho's favourite. Go figure.

It's been almost two years since Above's Crumbling, and I'm reading all of this for the first time. I admit I cried. I've kept Above in my heart all this time, I really have. Wherever they are now, I hope I've remained in theirs.

Ryuzaki and I are close. He still dutifully waits for Kira to enter these doors, unwavering in his belief that his successor will triumph in the end, despite suspecting that Kira himself has stolen the title of L. I find it admirable, how stubborn he is. I understand how he became the detective he was.

He's the librarian now, and I don't think he's ever gotten over his first and only love. He has a shrine for Above in his room. It has the Polaroid I took of them, incense, a pack of Newports, and a vase of asphodel flowers for their namesake. As far as I know, he prays to them every morning without fail. When I drop by his place, I like to pay my respects as well.

Time washes everything away like the ocean's tide. Everyone else has come and gone. Ryuzaki and I are the only ones left that remember Above.

Caine Crumbled after seven months. Gwen and I were in a relationship for a year before she passed on. I miss her every day. Alyosha, Aleida, Simon - all of them have moved from this world to the next. I understand now why Above came to have the attitude they did.
"Everything passes. Everyone passes. Nobody gets anything for keeps." They'd say. That understanding ages a person tremendously, I've come to learn.
I think about Above just about every day. I never realised how much I took them for granted. I've had to stand on my own feet and walk the same path they did as Senior Initiative, absorbing the grief of others as they come, keeping their memories when they depart. I'm only a spectator, watching other people's lives (well, deaths, if you're going to be pedantic). It's hard. I don't know how Above managed it with such grace. Was it hard for them too? Did a part of them really not ache inside at every Crumbling, were they really as detached as they seemed? Somehow it's hard to believe.

I wish I could see them again. I wonder where they are now, if they were reincarnated or put to rest. If it's the former, I can only hope that this life is happier than the last. They deserve to be happy, after all they've been through.

Above's life was anything but meaningless. It was quiet yet profound, modest and humble. They were barely known to the world, but to those they still had a distinct impact on everyone lucky enough to be graced with their presence. Every last one. Above was a treasure, one I'll always cherish.

「 Oh, and one last thing - My name is Yuuto). My dad was white and my mother was Japanese, hence the name. My given name, Yuuto, is written with the kanji for 'helpful person' (佑人). I've done many things in my life that have betrayed the name given to me and most know me only as a traitor to my country, so after dying I chose to go by X. But... for what it's worth, my name is Yuuto. 」

☥ ☥ ☥

L

I'm writing this on January eighteenth, 2013. I've been dead for six years now, and have lived here longer than anyone else presently at the Halfway House for Soul Anomalies. I am entirely alone. X has long since departed, leaving only memories behind.

...Ten days ago, Light Yagami was killed after finally being caught by my successor, N. And of course, because of the rules of the Death Note, this is where he ended up.

I'm the current Senior Initiative, and so I was the first to find out. He was in the midst of a nervous breakdown when I found him in the so-called Alien Room, and when he saw me, his face gave way to sheer, unspeakable horror. 'No!', he'd cried out, 'This can't be happening! I'm God! I'm Kira! Where the hell am I?!'

After all these years, he's finally here.

He screamed at me to stay the hell away from him, and I watched from the window as he paced with his hands over his ears, hyperventilating. He wouldn't calm down and in the end, he had to be restrained and injected with a tranquilliser before being taken to the hospital wing.

He's become but a shell of a man. He refuses to look at me most of the time, and when he does his eyes are full of hatred and vitriol. I'm a bit surprised I haven't been attacked yet. He was discharged from the hospital the next day, but was readmitted two days later after he was found in his room drunk, punching the walls over and over again until his fists bled.

It really is remarkable, how different he is now that his true nature has been exposed. When I knew him before, he was this outwardly pleasant and unassuming, carefully constructed web of lies. Underneath it all is a sheltered, egotistical fool who thought he could transform the world by taking it hostage.

I now have the unpleasant task of watching over him. Our current Head Initiative knows of my identity as L and offered to oversee him in my place, but I insisted. He deserves to see the man he murdered now haunt him in death. The last thing I ever saw before waking up here was the evil glimmer of satisfaction in his eyes as he held me and I laid dying. And I'm very pleased to have been able to return the gesture.

He's banned from watching the news, but I've kept up with it. Kira's killings have suddenly ceased, and people aren't sure if he'll start again or not. He's stopped killing for a few weeks at a time on the past, so their uncertainty is understandable. It'll be months before the world comes to realise that their god is gone.

If only I weren't dead. All I can do from up here is watch, and it drives me mad.

In these times, I wish I had Above with me. And if not Above, X (or, Yuuto I should say). He Crumbled two years after Above, and since then I've been all alone in this place, waiting for the day when I would get to see my murderer face to face again. And now that I have, I'm not sure how I feel.

When word got out that he was Kira, there was almost an attitude of celebration in the Halfway House. During his reign of terror he killed dozens upon dozens of innocent people (inevitably), and more than few of our members are themselves victims of Kira. Regardless of their actions, none of them deserved to die. I told him both of these things, and he spat in my face. It was childish of me, sure, but in my mind he deserves to know that he's hated. That his death is cause for celebration.

When he was drunk, he told a nurse the real extent of his punishment. Before arriving here, he was informed of the true price of using a Death Note. Now that he's dead, he must live out the lifespans stolen from of every single one of his victims before he can be reincarnated. He's being held here until his own soul anomaly heals, after which he will serve his sentence in the shinigami realm. I'd call it a fitting end for a man who wanted to be God.

I pity him. He must've killed thousands of people, maybe even tens of thousands, all of whom would have lived another 10, 20, even 50 years. He'll have to watch the world he tried to dominate live on and prosper without him. The shame must be unbearable. It seems that the universe is not kind to those who toy with the sanctity of life or try to distort its balance. When the Death Note states that its users can enter neither Heaven nor Hell, it's because they have something uniquely worse in store for them. The fate of a shinigami.

Light Yagami and Misa Amane. Both of them share the same fate. I'm convinced that the sin lies not with them, but with the shinigamis who dropped these Death Notes in the first place. Light's father once said that it's the power to kill in the first place that is truly evil.

...Soichiro Yagami. His earnest and upright father. His death was a shame. It was merciful of the gods to let him die believing that his son was an honest and just man, never learning the truth.

Now that I've seen this case to the end, I'm overwhelmingly tired. I don't know how much longer I'll be here, but I feel in my heart that this life is soon ready to be put to rest. I'm sure this is how Above felt during their last days. I remember how scared I was back then, because I could sense that they had accepted fate.

Above. These days, they're all I think of. Like Yuuto said, they're my first and only love, and I have never gotten over them. Without them, my life would have never felt complete. I don't know why it is exactly my love for them is so strong even though we weren't together very long. But even after six years sometimes it's overwhelming how much I yearn for their presence. Something about their heart inexorably tied me to them from the moment I arrived here. No, before that. Even as a child, I was drawn in like a moth to flame. Maybe this is what they mean when they say some relationships are karmic.

I firmly believe that everyone needs to know what it means to love someone in order to have truly lived. And for giving me that, I will love Above for enternity. Even after I'm reborn and don't even know it, our love will remain somewhere deep inside of me. No matter how the endless tide of life and death crashes against me, I will never let go of their memory. I know that their love will be there with me in the life to come, and that mine will be with theirs.

☥ ☥ ☥

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