I kick the ball in front of me, aiming to curve it into the net but when that doesn't happen, I grow frustrated and groan as I drop to the floor. I sit with my knees up to check and my arms wrapped around them.

I needed to clear my head. I couldn't let that happen in a game. I wouldn't just miss. I'd get it in.

All I could think about though was Caitlin. She fogged my mind. How we'd argued that nights, how we'd stayed far away from one another in the changing rooms and how I didn't fight Jonas whenever he tried subbing me off early if it meant I didn't have to stay on the pitch with Caitlin.

"El." I don't turn my head to know the voice belongs to Rachel. She comes and sits down beside me, her arms also wrapped around her brought up knees. She nudges me lightly as she goes to speak again. "You okay, you haven't been doing crazy things with Beth and you haven't once snook into my bed in the middle of the night."

"I'm no longer a little girl scared of the dark." I joke with a forced laugh.

"Elena, I'm worried about you." Rachel turns her body more towards me, but I carry on staring straight forward at the ball that sat to the side of the net. "What's wrong?"

"I'm fine." I shrug. "Just focused on the Euros."

"We all are." Rachel tells me. "But the only times any of us, other than Beth since you room together, see you is during training and only for a few minutes during breakfast, dinner and tea. You've been out on this pitch for longer than you should be, Els."

"Rachel," I stand up and pat down my clothes, "I'm fine."

I run away to go get the ball back to practise my shooting again. When I dribble the ball back to where Rachel is standing up from, she turns to me and places a hand on my shoulder. "I'm here for you, okay?"

I don't move until she's left the pitch. It's only then I go back to shooting balls straight for the net again.

I'm called in for dinner by Beth, while she's on the phoen to Steph. Seeing Steph makes me smile again for a while until Beth has to end the call.

"Hey, Els." Steph smiles at me and I wave at her.

"Hi, how's your offseason going?" I ask while Beth and I walk across the grass.

"Good, Australia's got nice weather so, I've been tanning."

"Can't wait to see that when we're back." I say with a small laugh, though it's not forces like all the rest of my laughs have been.

Steph was someone who could make me feel better in any situation. From the very day she offered to give me a place to stay with her to now, we'd never had any arguments. Well serious ones. We bickered a lot but it always ended in laughter sooner or later.

I really miss Steph now that I think about it. I want to bake with her while listening to Strawberry Kisses on repeat and curl up beside one another on the sofa while we watch some of our favourite movies on repeat. I want to sit on my bed with my guitar and have her slowly open the door to get a sneaky listen to me singing until I realise and kick her out.

I just missed Steph. She's my big sister. She's the kind of person who would tuck you into bed and give you a kiss on the forhead when you've had a nightmare. She's the kind of person who would pull faces at you until you laugh when you're having a bad day. She's the kind of person who would insist you rest and would make you soup or your comfort food when you're ill and nurture you until you're better.

I needed that right now.

"I miss you, Steffy." I say, quietly.

"I miss you too, Els. I'll be watching every one of yours guys' games at the Euros." Steph says as we finally end up saying goodbye to one another and Beth and I go in for dinner.

I get a small plate of pasta, not feeling like eating much. I sit at my usual table with Rachel, Millie, Beth and Jill. As I eat, the girls talk, but I'm zoned out in my own thoughts to laugh at the funny jokes Jill makes.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around. Kiera leans back in her chair with a comcerned look on her face. "Are you okay? The whole room laughed at that joke Jill made and you didn't look up from your pasta." She whispers to me.

"Fine." I use my energy to give her a smile before I stand up and give my dishes to the kitchen staff.

I leave the team in the dining room and go straight to my room, picking up my phone off my bed to see a text from Kristie.

𝙆𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙚 🤩
𝙃𝙚𝙮, 𝙀𝙡. 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙘𝙖𝙩𝙘𝙝 𝙪𝙥 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪. 𝙄 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚 𝙗𝙪𝙨𝙮 𝙜𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙮 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙀𝙪𝙧𝙤𝙨 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚 𝙛𝙧𝙚𝙚 𝙩𝙚𝙭𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙗𝙖𝙭𝙠 𝙭𝙭.

I slide left on the notification and text her back while I lay on my stomach on my bed.

𝙆𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙚 🤩

𝙃𝙚𝙮, 𝙀𝙡. 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙘𝙖𝙩𝙘𝙝 𝙪𝙥
𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪. 𝙄 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚 𝙗𝙪𝙨𝙮
𝙜𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙮 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙀𝙪𝙧𝙤𝙨 𝙗𝙪𝙩

𝙃𝙚𝙮, 𝙆𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙚. 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩'𝙨 𝙪𝙥?

𝙅𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚
𝙝𝙤𝙡𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙪𝙥 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙀𝙪𝙧𝙤𝙨
𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙚.

𝙒𝙚𝙡𝙡. 𝙄'𝙢 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙝𝙖𝙧𝙙.

𝙊𝙠𝙖𝙮, 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠. 𝙄'𝙢 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙜𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙡𝙞𝙚
𝙩𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪. 𝙍𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙡 𝙩𝙚𝙭𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙚.

𝘼𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩?

𝙔𝙤𝙪, 𝙀𝙡𝙨. 𝙎𝙝𝙚'𝙨 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙩
𝙮𝙤𝙪. 𝙎𝙝𝙚𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩
𝙨𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙚𝙭𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙚. 𝙎𝙤, 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩'𝙨 𝙬𝙧𝙤𝙣𝙜?

𝙉𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜, 𝙆𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙚.

𝙀𝙡𝙚𝙣𝙖.

𝙆𝙧𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙚, 𝙄'𝙢 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙚.
𝙎𝙩𝙤𝙥 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙮𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙚. 𝙔𝙤𝙪
𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙍𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙡 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙤𝙛𝙛.
seen 19:56

I grown at myself for snapping at Kristie, but I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. I'm fine. I've been fine since the breakup that they don't even know about.

So, why have I just began sobbing into my sleeves?