3852 words

A/N: YOOO GUYS I STARTED THIS CHAPTER AFTER GETTING MY FIRST DOSE OF THE COVID VACCINE LET'S GOOOOOOOOO

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-ˋˏ " Is that what you want, Ray, do you want me? " ˎˊ-

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•| ⊱✿⊰ |•

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"Hurry up, y/n! I swear, you better not be the reason for our tardiness on graduation!" The ginger shouted from my apartment entrance.

"I'm coming, jeez." I let out a shaky breath, joining Emma in the doorway. "Does my cap and gown look okay?"

A frown appeared on her face, "you're nervous."

"No kidding, I didn't have a clue." I rolled my eyes, completely freaking out. "Sorry for sounding rude, I just-"

"You're just nervous," she repeated with a comforting smile, shaking her head. The girl took my hands in her own and squeezed them lightly. "It's scary, I know. We're graduating high school after all, so it's completely normal to be even a little bit anxious."

"I know, I know." I sighed, "everything just came so fast, though. It feels like yesterday we were just starting at Grace Field high, now we're graduating. Everything has changed, too."

"You're right, everything has changed, but for the better." She released her grip on my hands and nudged me on the shoulder playfully. "Like how you've met Ray, that's a good thing, right?" A smirk appeared on her lips.

I wish it was a good thing, but it wasn't. Don't get me wrong, the time I've spent with Ray was probably the most amazing months of my life. But at the same time, they were the worst. I mean, so much has happened. My family's dead for god sake. I miss them, I miss them more than anything. I... I just want to hug them, to embrace them. I want to help mom make dinner, her criticizing everything I add to the meal. Then, I hated it. It annoyed me, made me furious. Now, I want it. I want to hug Alexander and help him with his homework, even though I barely know how to do it.
         I nodded, my lips curving into a fake smile. "The best thing."

The green-eyed girl squealed like a child in a candy store, "I wish the two of you would just date already!" Her grin disappeared just as fast as it appeared. "Oh, I forgot. Sorry," she backed away from me, looking at the ground.

"Emma, it's fine. There's no need to apologize, and especially not to me." I laughed quietly, reaching out to her with a shaky hand. "I've come to terms with the fact that Ray and I can never be together."

Stop lying, you know that isn't true. You haven't come to terms with it. You never will, don't lie to yourself.

"Come on, let's go." I smiled warmly, watching as the ginger entwined her fingers with mine. "Now, let's head out on our last walk to Grace Field high, shall we?"

"We shall." She grinned once more, skipping down the road, dragging me along.

I want my friends to be happy, they deserve it. They look best with smiles on their faces.
        It's May now, mom. I'm graduating, you know. Are you watching over me? Do you see me? Do you see how much pain I'm in? Do you see the way I hide it, the way I break down constantly? Did you see the way he pushed me away?

"I don't know what I want, y/n. It doesn't matter what I want anyway, my future is set for me. Everything's changed since we met, and not for the better."

His words, they've been stuck in my head ever since they left his mouth. They've been bouncing off the walls of my brain like a song stuck on repeat. Ray's words hurt me, but not because they were supposed to hurt me, but because they hurt him. "It doesn't matter what I want anyway, my future is set for me." He doesn't have a choice, it doesn't matter what he wants.

What do you want, Ray? Is it something? With someone? Could it be me? Is that what you want, Ray, do you want me? No, you don't want me. I really, really wish you did, though.

I hope that eventually, you'll want your wife. If I were her, I'd want you to want me. But maybe that's only because I'm so deathly in love with you, that you're the only thing I dream of, the only desire I have. I hope that she'll make you happy, Ray. I don't want you to be sad, I hope she can give you everything you want. I bet she's perfect, porcelain skin, rosy cheeks, the beauty standard. Everything I'm not. I hope that one day, she'll give you butterflies. Maybe the first moment you meet, you'll fall completely in love with her.

"y/n, we're here. You've been in your thoughts, again." Emma giggled, squeezing my hand.

I guess I didn't realize that we've been walking this whole time, my brain must've been on autopilot.

"Whoops," I laughed.

"Norman and Ray are already here, they've saved us seats, so, yeah." She laughed again, this time a hitch in her throat. "Are you ready to graduate?" The ginger gave me that quick, millisecond smile that she does whenever she's nervous.

I nodded hesitantly, "I think so, are you?"

A genuine smile appeared on her pink lips, "yeah, let's do this." We continued through the school gates, walking up the long brick pathway.

Emma let go of my hand, waving frantically, sprinting ahead towards the albino and ravenette. She wrapped her arms around them, beaming with joy.

I smiled, approaching them. "Hey, guys."

"y/n, hey!" Norman grinned, giving me a friendly hug. "Excited to graduate?" He raised an eyebrow, waiting for my response.

"Ecstatic," I replied with sarcasm and a quiet laugh, hiding my true feelings. I was completely panicking, what'll happen afterward? What if they leave me? They'll never speak to me again, they will just forget about me, like I never existed at all.

Norman laughed, "fantastic. Let's all go to our seats now, shall we?" He turned to Emma with the same smile plastered on his pale face.

Emma nodded with excitement, skipping ahead on the path, fingers entwined with the white-haired boy.

Maybe I should ask them later on if they're dating, sure seems like it. I mean, the countless times I could've sworn they were about to kiss, then looked at me as if they completely forgot I was there.

Alongside me was the ravenette, walking at the exact same pace as I. Could he not just run ahead like Emma and Norman? It's so awkward, we're just walking in complete silence. Honestly, the silence was better than talking, though. What would we even talk about? Things haven't been the same since that round of hide-and-seek. We've talked, yeah, but not like the way we used to. We don't tease each other, we don't laugh, we don't smile.
             Damnit, I miss it. I miss him. He's right beside me, yet on the other side of the world. Why can't we talk like we used to? Oh, right, he's getting married in a few months. Will we even see each other? No, we won't. I'm leaving, I don't even know if I'll be able to stay around for the wedding. It'll hurt, god, even thinking about it makes me want to break down into tears.

Then, he spoke, which surprised me.
            "They don't even try to hide the fact that they're dating in secret." Ray scoffed, keeping his eyes fixated on the graduation ceremony approaching us up ahead.

I glanced over at him for a split second, then returned my gaze to the ceremony as well. "So is it true then? They're dating?"

I saw the ravenette shrug in the corner of my eye,
             "I dunno, probably."

After that, there was more silence between us until we were in our seats. I was between Ray and Emma, as Norman sat beside her, of course.

The pesky boy spoke again, this time gazing over at me. "You aren't actually excited for graduation, am I correct?"

I bit my lip for a moment, watching as more students arrived at the ceremony in their caps and gowns. Maybe if I just keep quiet, he'll forget I'm even here. I laughed quietly at myself for a moment, as I was being so stupid.

"What's so funny?" Ray raised an eyebrow, waiting for my response.

Shit, did I just laugh out loud? God, he probably thinks I'm laughing at him. It's sort of ridiculous, really, for him to be angry at something I didn't even do. I shook my head no, stifling back my laughter. "Nothing, nothing." I waved it off, "I just thought of something stupid."

"Yeah, I figured." He snickered, "you must really find yourself funny, huh?"

I nodded, "of course, I'm the funniest person I know."

"Really?" The natural expression on his lips soon turned into a smirk, "honestly, you're the least-funniest person I know."

"Hey!" I laughed, elbowing him in the shoulder. "Sorry that my humour is too complex for your tiny brain to comprehend."

"Tiny brain?" His eyebrows rose with a quiet cackle, "I practically always had to help you study. You get distracted too easily."

My lips parted to reply, but I was cut off by a loud irritating 'ahem.'
         I glanced at the stage ahead where my principal stood, tapping annoyingly on a silver microphone.

"Is this- Is this thing even on?" The man roared although nobody laughed. He had patchy grey hair, though barely any sat on his head now.
        Maybe if he was a kind man, I'd fake laugh just so that he wouldn't be embarrassed. But he was extremely rude towards all the students, particularly the girls. Typical, of course, a lot of male principals targeted female students to have someone to be rude towards.

He continued, "well, might I just say how much of a pleasure it was to have you, students, at Grace Field High the past four years."

Not everyone has been here for four years, dumbass.

The principal proceeded to give a long useless speech about the honor of graduating high school, although I highly doubt anybody was listening. Even the teachers appeared to be bored out of their minds. Before I knew it, the ceremony was over. Honestly, I don't remember a thing. I went up to get my diploma and stuff, but it felt like my brain was on autopilot. All day I've felt off, but I'm assuming that's just because of the whole graduation thing. It doesn't really feel real, everything feels like a dream.

"We've officially graduated!" Emma squealed and wrapped her arms around me, beaming with excitement. I would've fallen over if it wasn't for my sturdy balance. She nearly dropped her diploma, as she wouldn't stop swinging her arms around over-joyed.

I smiled at her, "don't get too excited, we still have college to deal with."

"Don't ruin my happiness!" She groaned, rolling her eyes playfully.

I giggled, watching as she made her way over towards Norman. I should ask them now, if not then I'll never do it.

"Emma, Norman." I approached them, rubbing my arm awkwardly.

They glanced over at me, eyes dancing with confusion and curiosity.

"Sorry if I'm incorrect, but..." I chewed on the corner of my lip anxiously before plucking up the courage to ask them, "are you two together?"

They furrowed their eyebrows at me, completely oblivious.

I rolled my eyes and exhaled sharply, "you know, are the two of you a couple? Dating?"

The ginger began to blush furiously, shaking her head no rather violently, and waved her hands in the air forming an X. "What? No! You're crazy!" An awkward laugh escaped her lips, "why would you-" she was stopped mid-sentence by a hand being gently placed on her shoulder. Emma gazed up at Norman, whose features were softened.

"We should tell them, Emma."

His words pretty much answered my question, but the girl proceeded to tell me anyway.

Emma sighed with a slight nod, then looked over at Ray and me. "Yeah, we're dating."

Ray snickered, "knew it."

I laughed, "how long have the two of you been together?"

The green-eyed girl looked up to the gloomy sky and raised her finger to her lips, thinking. "Since early December I believe."

"Seriously? If I'm correct, I had to assure you that Norman definitely had feelings for you at the start of this year." I continued to laugh, holding my hands to my aching stomach from the laughter.

"I had to act clueless," she added, "we wanted to keep it a secret."

"If you don't mind me asking, why'd you keep it a secret?" I inquired, looking back and forth at the couple.

Norman shrugged, "we didn't want you two to feel left out." He gestured to the ravenette and me.

I furrowed my eyebrows with confusion, which he quickly noticed.

"You know, we didn't want the two of you to constantly feel like third-wheels," the albino explained.

"Ah, I see now." I nodded, although it was honestly a stupid reason. I highly doubt we'd feel like third-wheels, perhaps we would've even dated.

"Anyways, it really sucks that we can't all hangout tonight." Emma sighed sadly.

Each of their families wanted them to stay home for the rest of the time, they all were having family get-togethers. Emma's mother invited me to join them, but I politely declined because I knew it was only out of pity. I bid farewell to my friends, catching Ray staring at me for a moment longer. I pretended not to notice it though, as I didn't want to make a huge deal out of it. He probably just zoned out and happened to be staring at me.

•| ⊱✿⊰ |•

My apartment was quiet when the door swung open. It was warm, uncomfortably warm. If I stayed in this heat for long enough my skin would become sticky and sweaty, which is completely unbearable. I dropped my belongings, putting them in the places they should be.

With a sluggish pace, I approached the remote for the AC. Swiftly I flickered through the buttons, desperate for the cool air to breeze across my warm skin. An exhale of relief left my lips when said breeze blew over me. I placed down the remote, glancing at my fingers. They were trembling, I was trembling. What's wrong? Why am I shaking? Why do I feel so scared, yet at the same time I feel absolutely nothing; emotionless. I'm hungry, I think, yeah that must be it. Now that I'm thinking about it, I barely ate today.

I made my way over to the cupboard to get a dish, but only saw a cracked bowl hidden at the back. It was covered in dust, as nobody uses it. It's broken, so obviously it's unused. Nobody wants to use something broken, as they'll probably just break it even more. Is that how Ray sees me? I'm broken, right? And he will just break me even more, right?

But I don't care. I dont care if he breaks me, if it hurts me in the end, I want to be with him. I just want to be with him.

I turned my gaze to the sink, full with dirty dishes. Oh, I didn't notice them earlier. I must've been too exhausted to notice.

I watched in a daze as the steaming hot water filled the plugged sink, pouring the dish soap in. Everything was blurry, and I felt extremely dizzy. I leaned back and forth in an attempt to soothe the uneasiness feeling creeping up on me. What's going on? Why am I feeling like this? Is something bad going to happen and this is my gut trying to warn me?

With slight hesitance, I reached out and pushed the tap back, blinking as the water stopped flowing other than the few leftover drips.

TW: ANXIETY ATTACK ⚠️⚠️⚠️

Oh.

I understand now, it's happening again, isn't it?

It's back. This hasn't happened since my dad left, and frankly the memories are hazy as I was so young, but I can remember how I felt.

Awful, I felt absolutely awful.

I can't be alone right now, I don't want to be alone. I want to call  you, Ray, but I shouldn't. Would you even come? Probably not. Because you think it's better for me, yes?

Well, listen. You aren't listening, you can't read my thoughts unfortunately. But if you could, oh how easier my life would be. It's so difficult to speak about my feelings, but it's always been so easy. I've been lying, i'm not okay. Nothing about my life at the moment is okay. Maybe at the moment it's best for us to stay apart, as I'll regret it later on in life, but right now I want to be with you.

I grabbed my phone off the counter, scrolling through my contacts until I stumbled upon 'Ray.'

No, I can't call you. I quickly scrolled back up and tapped on the name 'ginger,' desperately trying to breathe correctly waiting for her to pick up.

"Hello?" She said with a plain tone. I could hear music in the back, are you celebrating this great day, Emma?

"Emma, hi." I spat out, clearing my aching throat.

"Y/n, hey!" My best-friend spoke cheerfully, excited to hear my voice. "What's up?"

You're having fun, I shouldn't ruin that.

My lips parted as I shook my head, "just felt like saying hi, I got bored."

I could hear her giggle quietly, "ah, I see. You know, you're still very welcome to come join us!"

I felt like smiling, but the dreadful feeling hidden in the pit of my stomach forbid me to. "Thanks, Emma, but I can't. I'm tired, I think I'll just go to bed."

Emma went quiet for a moment, before I heard a door shut. "Okay, I'm in my room where it's quiet. Now, y/n, are you alright? Please, be honest. Are you feeling okay?" I could hear the growing worry in her voice.

I debated whether or not I tell the truth for a moment before speaking. "I'm fine, honestly. You worry too much." I laughed it off, regretting calling her.

An exhale of relief left her mouth. "Thank god, I was worried." I could practically hear her smile, "remember that you can call me whenever, kay? But i've got to go right now, just call me if you absolutely need to."

I nodded even though she couldn't see me. "Got it, thank you."

"Bye!"

"See ya," I mumbled before hearing the beeping of the call ending.

I don't want to ruin other peoples graduation day simply because I'm in pain. I don't want to be alone, I can't.

So, even if you reject it and tell me you never want to see me again, I'm still going to try.

"Hello?"

I couldn't speak, the words were stuck in my throat. "Ray," I squeaked.

"y/n? Why are you calling me?" He questioned, but surprisingly he didn't seem annoyed or bothered by my call.

I could feel the tears welling up in my e/c eyes, and the painful lump appearing in my throat. "I just- I just wanted to hear your voice."

That's probably a dumb thing to say, yeah? I'm basically setting myself up for rejection.

Ray's voice went quiet, "what's wrong?"

I parted my lips to speak, but instead the tears rolled down