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Kate took a seat in the generic arm chair, her new therapist sat across from her. It was only her third  session, she wasn't really sure if she even wanted to do this but it was evident that she needed to talk to someone professional, her trauma was swamping her more than ever lately.

"So, how about we pick up where we left off last. Are you still having nightmares?" Emma, her therapist asked

Buck had fallen asleep in Kate's room again, it was happening more and more lately. They'd both admit it was a weird arrangements, a new couple living in the same apartment but in different rooms. But Buck couldn't find anywhere worth living in and a part of him didn't want to, he liked living with Kate and not just because of their relationship, but because she was a fun person to live with.

He was pulled awake from his sleep when he heard to low whimpers that came from Kate, nightmares had taken over her dreams every night that week.

"Hey, it's okay" he gently shook her

Kate opened her eyes, she felt the tears that dripped down her face and the sadness that graced her heart but couldn't remember why she was crying or what caused it.

She turned over in her bed and wrapped her arm around Buck, her head rested in the crook of his neck

"Do you remember this one?" He asked

"No" she sniffled "which makes me feel stupid for still crying"

Buck gave her arm a reassuring squeeze "you can still feel sad for what you can't remember

Kate sighed heavily "I'm sorry for waking you again, you can back to your room if you want"

Buck glanced at her with a frown "definitely not"

"Yeah" Kate nodded "But I still can't remember what about, it's like they are foggy and I can't make my way through them"

"After we experience a trauma our brain has its own ways of getting through it, right now your subconscious could be trying to remember something your brain chose to forget"

"I just hate waking up sad and not knowing why, I think I'd prefer to wake up sad with a reason at least then I could try fix it"

"Have you been keeping any secrets?" Emma asked

"I mean I just told my whole team about Sam, I thought I'd feel better after everyone knew" she shrugged

Silence fell upon them for no more then 30 seconds, that's all it took for Kate to remember what else she had been lying about.

"I've been paying for Adams rehab" she admitted

"Why?"

"I don't know" Kate huffed "I hate him, god I hate him so much but here I am paying for him to waste 3 months of his life because I know it won't do anything"

"Do you think you could still care for him-.."

"No" Kate snapped "I hate him with every part of my being, I mean he killed my son and then he almost got my mother killed. He's ruined my life in ways that will never Be fixed"

"But you are paying for his rehab"

"Yes!" Kate exclaimed "aren't you suppose to tell me why"

"Here's what I think, I think you hate him with very good reason to but I also think a part of you takes pity because you know that Sam was his son too and what happened effects him just as much as it effects you"

She was right, Kate knew she was right. But Kate didn't want to feel this way, she didn't want to sympathize for the man who killed her son, she didn't want to think about how he felt.

"But i shouldn't!" She yelled, rising from her chair "I shouldn't care what he thinks because it never wouldn't have happened if he didn't take those keys"

"What else Kate, there's more"

There was always more, always that little part of her that blamed herself

She sat back down, tears coated her eyes "what if I didn't try and leave that day" she murmured

"It was stupid of me to take Sam there, I should have waited till someone could mind him.. if I never brought him that day than... Than my son would still he alive and-.."

"And you'd be a different person"

"But I am a different person, I'm angry all the time at him, I'm angry that I'm lying to Buck about him, I moved as far away as I could from that man and he still has a way of worming himself into my life"

Kate took a tissue from the box, she wiped under her eyes "sometimes I feel like I was the worse mother in the world, because the day Samuel was born Adam came into that hospital room smelling like someone was drinking and I chose to ignore it, like I did for every day until there was nothing left to ignore"

"Kate you were in a hard position, you had a son and a partner who had an addiction, you stayed for Sam-

"No, that's what you say to someone who was beaten by their husband every day, he never hit me not until-..

"You tried to leave" Emma finished, her voice was soft almost as if she trying to act as a cushion for Kate to fall on.

Kate blinked, her face expressionless as it dawned on her.

"Kate he may have never hit you, but he wasn't there and from what I've heard he had a tendency to pick alcohol over you and Sam."

Kate couldn't speak, her mind trying to process everything "sorry"

"It's okay, these realizations can be a lot to handle"

"I was never scared of him until that day, I would be angry and we would yell and scream but I never felt like he would hurt me, I knew no matter how drunk he got or how angry he'd be, that he always knew he still had me"

"Kate if you really want to move on from that part of your life, you need to move on from Adam."

"How do I do that?" Kate asked

"Whatever way you feel comfortable doing so"

*

Kate sat in front of her laptop screen, waiting for Adams face to appear. She had to face him and this was the only she could do it.

"Kate" he picked up after seconds "oh it's so good to see you" he sighed

Kate hadn't seen him since she left, she had talked to him of course but she never seen his face. The face that brought back every memory.

"We need to talk"

"Of course, what is it"

"This is the last time you'll ever hear from okay, I'm changing my number and I'm blocking yours" she told him

"Kate, what's going on?" He asked, his brows furrowed

"You can't call me anymore okay, your rehab is paid for and I'm done with you. I need to move on from you and the memories that come with your name."

"Kate sweetie I don't understand"

Kate felt sick at way he called her sweetie, as if he still had the right. The right to act as if he didn't ruin her.

"Do you ever wanna hit me, when we were together did you ever want to hit me or kick me?"

He frowned "of course not, I'd never hit you-.."

"Just when I try to leave, you never hit me until I tried to leave"

"I said I was sorry, I was out of my mind but you were trying to take Sam, you couldn't just leave with him, I had to-..

"You had to" she scoffed "just like you had to throw a glass bottle at me a week prior, just like you had to scream at me every night and tell me how useless I was, just like you had to take my son in a car and get him killed"

"Kate I have an addiction, it makes me do things-

"Don't you dare!" She yelled "don't you dare try and blame what you did on being an addict, you might not have hit me like an abuser or controlled me but you made me feel second best to drink, you made me feel like I was bad mother. You made me bury my 2 year old child."

"Kate why did you call me?" He asked

"So I can tell you everything I never got to. I hate you Adam, I hate what you did to me and I hate that I still pity you because I know I'm the only one who lost Sam, but I'm the only one who showed up to his funeral. I want you out of my life, I want to forget you ever existed and If I could, I'd go back and tell 16 year old me to find someone else. I'm sorry you never found a way to stay sober, but I'm not sorry for leaving because it was only a matter of time before you started throwing punches." She seethed

"Now I'm gonna hang up and I never want to hear from you again, my family already have a restraining order so don't even try them. Goodbye Adam"

Kate clicked the red button on her screen and watched his face disappear with a blip, a part of her expected for feel different but she felt the same, she felt angry and she hoped it would soon disappear.

"Hey Kate, I'm home" Buck called out

Kate stood up from her desk, she walked out of her room and down the short hallway, she reached the kitchen and watched as Buck plated up Chinese food

She pulled out a chair at the table to sit down.

"How was therapy?"

"Uh.. different" Kate exhaled, " "I always said I was never in an abusive relationship, but that was because I never tried to leave. Because the day I told him I was done was the first day he actually hit me, the first day he tried to fight me"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm not sure" kate admitted, "but I know I will be"

"I'm not sure what to say, but I know someone who might be"

Kate shook her head " no, no. I don't wanna bother Maddie, she was in an abusive relationship, I just tried to leave a drunk one"

"Kate you gotta stop running yourself down, making your experience sound less then because he didn't hit you"

A smile crept onto Kate's face, "that's what my therapist said"

Buck squeezed her hand "she must be real smart"

"Thanks for not leaving, most people would have ran a mile and all I ever seem to do it trauma dump on you"

"I don't care Kate. I'll always listen, I promise"

...

"All right, John, triage the minor injuries. Hen, Kate  you're with me. Buck and Eddie, check the driver" Chimney instructed

Kate followed hen and chimney to the woman who laid injured, a small gasp escaped her mouth as she recognized the face.

"That's.."

"Shannon" Hen finished

"Alright, let's help her then" chimney told them

Kate kneeled down beside Shannon's head, a neck brace was passed to her  "hey, Shannon. How you feeling?"

"Kate?" She questioned, they never met properly. Other than when she stormed off with Eddie at Christmas, but after that it was just Kate hearing about Shannon and Shannon hearing about Kate.

"The one and only" Kate gave a smile,

"I don't feel anything," she grunted

"Can you move your toes for me?" Kate asked, she looked down and saw no movement, that never meant anything goody.

"Spinal injury?" She asked Hen

"Could be worse" Hen answered

"He... he talks about you a lot" she said,

Kate looked back at her, her heart ached as she thought about Eddie and the chance that he'd be burying his wife.

"Oh really, hope it's good" Kate joked,

a small smile formed on Shannons lips "thanks for being his best friend"

Hen gave chimney a look. A look that meant Shannon mightn't go home today, she might never see her son again and Eddie would left to tell him.

Chimney tried to stop him, but Eddie pushed through and landed on his knees next to his wife

"Are you here?" She asked

"I'm here."

" God. This is so embarrassing."

"Vitals trending downward." Kate reported "we need to get her transported"

A backboard was handed to the team, they laid it on the ground and slid Shannon onto it. Kate tried to not focus on the blood stain that was left behind her.

On the count of three she was lifted and taken to the ambulance, Kate jumped in and passed a tube a Hen

"Hen, stop. Do not intubate. Not yet."

Kate shot chimney a confused look, but she knew it was Eddie's decision even if it wasn't the right one.

"Get in there and say goodbye to your wife"

"We can save her, we can-

"Kate" Hen stopped her "it's not up to us"

Kate shrugged Hens hand off her shoulder, she felt the ambulance take off and Eddie sat next to her.

"I don't feel anything. That can't be good, right?" She asked, her breathing was stammered.

"Leaving again. I'm so sorry. I'd love... a little more time." She cried

"Just be silent." He held her hand, tears brimmed his eyes and he blinked then back "I love you so much. Christopher loves you so much.

"I... love you... both." Shannon gasped out, her last breath escaped her lips and the machine let out a long beep.

"Hen, go."

"Intubating."

Eddie started at his wife, knowing nothing they could do now would save her. So he just stared and watched waiting for the feeling to hit him.

Kate wasn't sure what to do, she just sat there rubbing his arm thinking that would enough to help.

The ambulance came to a stop, Kate stood up and took the bottom of the backboard, she lifted it out of the ambulance and transported Shannon to a hospital bed, seconds went by and she was being rushed away. Eddie following behind.

Buck appeared beside Kate, he laced his fingers around hers and kissed her head.

*

Kate and Buck walked into Eddie's house, Carla was due to leave and Kate had figured that Eddie would need some time alone so she offered to take care of Christopher for a few hours

"Hey Carla" Buck greeted

"Where's Christopher?" Kate asked

"He's in his room, he hasn't said much. Poor boy probably doesn't even know how to feel" she frowned

"And Eddie?" Buck asked

"I think he's gone somewhere to be alone, I offered to stay here but he said you two already did"

"We didn't know how else to help right now" Buck said

"There's food in the fridge, you know where everything is" she grabbed her purse, giving a small wave before she left.

Kate walked her out, thanking her for cooking. She closed the door and rested her back against it letting out a small sigh.

Kate walked back into the kitchen. She took a seat at the table, Buck handed her a glass of water "I think I'm gonna try talk to Chris"

"Yeah, I think you'd be able to help him" Buck nodded

"God I don't know what to do" she sighed, "I just sat there today and watched as he said his goodbyes to his wife and then I rubbed his arm as if it would make things better"

"We just have to be there for him, reassure him"

Kate gave a nod, she opened her mouth to respond  but was interrupted by a younger boy.

"Where's my dad?" Christopher asked

"Oh he's just Gone for a walk buddy" Buck answered

"Come here" Kate opened her arms, Christopher walked over and wrapped his small arms around her, feeling warm in her hug.

"You doing okay?" She asked,

He left her warm embrace and sat on a chair "she's not coming back is she?" He asked

Kate frowned "no sweetie, but she's never gonna leave you"

"How?" He asked

"Well, she may not be here but her spirit will always be with you. She will always be watching over you and smiling down at you, she'll never be gone and as long as you always believe she'll be around"

"Is my dad going to he okay?" He asked

"It's gonna be hard for him, but he's got a lot of support" Buck told him, "and he loves you so much too"

"Could I have another hug?" He asked

Kate smiled softly "you can have as many hugs as you want"