WARNING: THIS CHAPTER DEALS WITH
SUICIDE, SELF HARM, SEXUAL TRAUMA, DRUGS AND OTHER POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING TOPICS. BE SAFE!

OCTOBER 21

"HOW WAS THERAPY?" Olivia asked as she waited outside, finally relieved that Lia was getting the help that she desperately needed.

The blonde nodded as the two began to make there way to a cafe near by, this becoming one of there many traditions over the time period that Lia had been seeing her therapist.

"It was good. It..." She paused, sinking further into her off white sweatshirt sour sweatshirt, her hair was tied into a bun and all her makeup was removed, "That session was just a harder one. We got more into my family trauma and how I dealt with it." Her tone was shaky, obviously under distress as she had just previously cried her makeup off for an hour.

Olivia's smile faltered, her hand moving closer to Lia's as she comfortably grabbed her as a reminder, "I'm really proud of you."

Lia's lips curled into a sad smile, appreciative of the act of kindness from her friend but her heart couldn't help but sink further into her chest. Her throat had a pit that made her feel sick to her stomach, the bad memories all resurfacing.

"She really thinks that this album is going to help me get over some of it." Lia continued talking, the two finally reaching the building they had searched for as they walked inside, a small bell ringing as they did so, "Her reasoning is that it helps me turn the bad things into something I can look back on and admire. Plus, if you can profit off of your sexual trauma and suicide attempts than go for it." The blonde jokingly stated as her eyes scanned through the menu, the joke stinging Olivia as she knew deep down how much it affected the girl.

"Stop!!" Lia screamed through her house as she had to listen to the sound of her druggie father scream at her mother, the two getting physical in the kitchen below her room.

Tears had already began to pour down her face, her chest heavy from the panic as she tripped down the wooden stairs in attempt to get her father to stop. The sight was only worse for her, her heart feeling as if it just shattered throughout her chest.

Everything was going so fast that she couldn't make out what was happening. She didn't know what happened or why it did. She was only fifteen at the time but was used to this behavior in her family.

Her mother was able to breakaway from her abuser, quickly yelling at Lia to grab her things, telling her how they wouldn't be staying the night.

The girl only nodded, crying as she repeated how much she hated her father as she quickly grabbed her blanket to run out of the house. She didn't know where they were going or how long they would be gone, but she knew that her father wouldn't be back for a long time as her mother called the cops in the other room.

The fifteen year old sat in the passenger side of the car, awaiting the arrival of her mom as she talked to an officer for what seemed like years.

She just wanted to leave. Her house never felt like home, safety wasn't a thing she ever felt.

"We just want to leave. My daughter and I need to leave." Her mother begged outside of the vehicle as they took her father away for proper questioning at the station, "I need to get her to my sister. She can't be dealing with this."

The blonde continued dealing with her panic attack in the car, incapable of getting more than a word out of her mouth as another officer tried to ground her again.

Everything was spiraling and she had no control over any of it. She was drowning more and more in grief and didn't want to fight for the air she needed. All she wanted to do was give up.

Hours passed until she was dropped off at her aunts house, her mother reporting to the station. She sat in a dark guest room, cradled as she could only sob in pain. She should've been used to this by now, she should know how to block the yelling at, right?

Her fingers traced her wrists, the urge to scratch them lingered as she began to dig her nails into her veins, trying to just relieve any of the pain she could.

In a panic she ransacked her cousins room, tearing apart one of their sharpeners as she dug the silver blade further into her skin. Blood falling from her wrists as she laid there finally numb as tears and snot dropped from her face. Finally collapsing in what was now her room from how the adrenaline from the situation had finally worn off.

But that wasn't enough for her, the loud ringing of her phone waking her up just a couple hours later. The exhaustion of her body only made it harder to pick the call up, the tiredness wearing off almost immediately as she heard her father from the line.

"You know I love you, right?" Was all her said to her, a sigh coming from her as the tears began welding in her eyes once more.

"I know."

"It wasn't my fault. Your mother, she-"

And with that the blonde hung the call up, not wanting to hear any more excuses from him. But she didn't know that that would be her last time with her father, or mother.

That both of them would disappear from her life at the same exact time.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?" Liv asked as she finally came to her senses once more, the words of Lia telling her all about her family lingering in her head.

"I asked if you wanted to get us a seat. I could wait for the drinks." Lia restated for the brunette, her eyes softening as she looked at her beloved, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah! I'm fine!" Olivia coughed, turning around to grab a booth for the two of them. She couldn't help but feel terrible for Lia, she had gone through so much and coped with it in such terrible ways that it was enough to make her no longer hungry.

A few minutes passed until Lia had came over, the girl sucking on the paper straw as strawberries and banana filled her taste buds. "I'm really appreciative of you, especially so supportive of me after everything we went through."

"I'm always going to be here for you." The brunette responded, her tone soft and delicate as she held so much love for the girl who sat in front of her, "You've been through so much and I just want what's best for you."

Lia just stayed silent, unaware on how to accept the support she had been given. She didn't mean to come off cold and manipulative, but she barely knew what love was until Olivia.

"Hey, you're not the outcome of your trauma." Olivia reminded, her eyes filled with such a sadness that words could never be able to describe, "You aren't your defense mechanisms. I know how you are truly, how are afraid of love because everyone you've ever trusted hurt you. I understand it's difficult, but i'm always going to reinforce that you're a good person deep down."

"I love you." Lia finally just blurted out, her walls completely down for the first time in her life.

flashback

Seventeen year old Lia sat in her new room, topless as she sent nude photos to her entire best-friend list on snapchat. The broken teenage craving some sort of validation that she only received while naked. She didn't know why she did this to herself, she knew there was no way that it would help her as it only reinforced the idea of toxic relationships, but a temporary buzz of dopamine was enough for her.

She would constantly get herself in unsafe sexual situations, faking orgasms for love from her abusive girlfriend at times. Or going out and hooking up with random strangers as an act of rebellion, wishing that she had that parental figure watching over her, yelling at her for her disgusting behavior.

And while she was just a phase in other people's lives, they were never temporary in hers. She could remember the warmth of their hands on her, what they'd say or do to her, how she couldn't see her naked body in the mirror for years afterwards because it was so ruined for her. She was so used and repulsed by herself but only kept putting up with it until she met Olivia.

But to say that it all went away with Liv wouldn't be rational. She still had the mindset she had at that time, the need to over sexualize herself for Olivia's affection hung over her like a suffocating plastic bag, or that if she gave into her girl she would finally leave her.

It was such an exhausting, reckless behavior but she couldn't stop it. She didn't know why she was like this, why she needed this sort of confidence and happiness, and she still doesn't know.

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liasterling: 4 morant is out now. i don't recommend listening to this song if you're not in the right head space. i wrote this song when i was very suicidal and coped with my family trauma with sex and drugs. i had attempted suicide multiple times and my last attempt ended with this songs creation. i'm getting the help i always needed and have a great support system. thank you for being there for me.

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user4: HOLY SHIT

user5: bitches with sexual trauma rise up
liasterling: they have risen!

olivarodrigo: i'm beyond proud of you darling♡︎
liasterling: i love you more than anything
oliviarodrigo: i love you to the moon & saturn
user6: QUEER

user6: hate how relatable these lyrics are and how the lyric "better luck next time" meant her attempts failed and hoped they'd work in the future

fayewindsor: everyone shut up, this is my favorite song

AUTHORS NOTE

Me dramatizing my family trauma and having it be an abusive father n terrible mother rather than a druggie abusive (mentally) brother. so cute! so quirky! peep my sexual trauma from my ex LMAOOOO I SWEAR IM OKAY!!

Started early college courses so i'm going to be burnt out as hell this year, very sorry for slow updates!!!

n e ways, look how cute me and my gf r!!!