ch.25:both can be true
song01:freetown, IDK
song02:open this wall, berlioz

[colin adebanjo]

"𝕬𝖓𝖉 he says, 'the other one is dead.' So I'm about to knock his ass down, next thing I know i'm on the floor. This nigga's daddy done knocked me down." Cole was retelling the events to Schaefer about a half hour after he'd left Dame. "I left after that. Well, I didn't leave downtown. I just left niggas. I got my ice cream and walked around until I saw you."

Schaefer laughed, "That shit's actually not okay."

Cole nodded, agreeing.

"I thought y'all was like best friends or something."

"Hell no." Cole looked offended. "Damon is my brother. Cobe was my best friend."

"Oh."

"Dame don't know how to be nobody fucking friend. He never knew how. But family? He got that shit down. His stupid ass down even realize that. And, that's the reason I even still fuck with him because it's more than friendship. I can't just cut off a brother."

"I mean, you could." Schae advised Cole, "I cut off a lot of my family."

"Different circumstances."

"Is it? He keep using your past against you. He not ever gone stop that shit until you make it known that it wont be tolerated." He told Cole. "I haven't even seen my mom or dad in about six months— since the new year. I rather it be like this than have them always bringing up what happened. Mind you, they don't even know the full extent of the whole thing and they judging me just on falling off and going to rehab."

"That's fucked up. I'm sorry they doing you like that."

"I'm not. They been doing it my whole life. I finally told them to shut the fuck up and never turned back."

"You think you ever want to see them again?"

Schae shrugged.

"Dame thought he hated his Dad to the point where he never told me he still had one. I grew up thinking Dame was an orphan like me. But, he just let his daddy knock me down and ain't say shit. You gone change your mind one day. Just like he did."

"I'm not going to change my mind."

"Well you should."

"You so used to having nigga's shit on you that you don't even smell it anymore." Schae told him. "When we first met on tour, and I never even met the nigga, you was already complaining about how he treated you. Him and Cobe and your other brother."

"Cecil."

"Yeah 'dat nigga too." He shook his head, "Do you like not understand that all these niggas think little of you? That's why they talk to you how they do. It ain't no little brother type shit. I don't talk to my siblings like that. Never did."

"I'm tired of talking about it now Schae. What you doing down here by yourself?"

He shrugged. "I just wanted to go out. But I live down here. Right on Jefferson, off the water."

"Get the fuck outta here. You wait tables and shit."

"Exactly. The 'and shit' pay's for it."

"Can I see your spot?"

"Sure!" He exclaimed, excited to be asked to host for the first time in a couple of years. Just like Cole, the few months after Cobe's passing was the worst time of Schafer's life. The difference is Cole used the energy to build and Schafer used it to rest— both worked out for them in the end.

As he walked beside Schae, he went back in time.

Laughter of the other kids at the park was a shrewd thorn in the back of Cole's throat as he kicked the wood chips below his feet. Trying to forget what had transpired before he left the house this morning was causing a strain between not only his brain and his body, but also between him and Damon who kept telling Cole to get over it. But for Cole, it wasn't a regular morning— seeing what he saw.

"You just gone let that nigga ruin your whole day?" Dame snapped. "He don't give a fuck Cole. So you shouldn't give a fuck."

"Well I do care. I can't just get over stuff that fast."

"You should be used to it by now. I never seen nobody like that before. So, if anybody should be bothered, it should be me. But i'm fine."

"Being able to pretend you're fine is not the same as being fine. My therapist told me it's better to be sensitive than to hold everything in. She said it makes you sick."

"Fuck your therapist." Dame spat, staring across the playground at some kid who caught his eye. He was standing on top of the metal jungle gym, getting ready to tight-rope it across the monkey bars. After having played with it between his fingertips for a few seconds, Dame put a skittle in his mouth, chewing with his mouth half open, visibly irritated. Cole snatched the red packet and quickly poured some in his mouth before Dame snatched it back, wasting some on the floor in the process. Dame smacked his teeth. "You need to listen to me and not that fuck ass therapist. She gone get you put back in the system."

"She's trying to help."

"Go ahead then. Tell her you had to stop your new dad from overdosing this morning. See what happens."

"He's not my dad." Cole groaned, "And I never said I wanted to tell. That doesn't mean I— I just feel weird."

"I know. But don't talk to nobody else about it but me. Swear."

"Cole, swear."

"I swear."

"You too gullible." Dame complained. "You been in the system ya whole life and still believe they lies and tricks. You need to ask me before you ever say shit to them people about anything."

"You always acting like you somebody's daddy."

"That's because I had one before so I know right from wrong. That's the difference between me and you. No offense."

"None taken. I rather have it my way than yours any day. I'd kill my self if my daddy gave me away out the blue. No offense." He laughed.

Dame smacked Cole on the side of his head and Cole kept laughing, punching him back before running away. Dame ran after him.

Later on, they were walking to Coney Island. "What about Cobe though? I can talk to him too."

"He tell his daddy everything. He can't be trusted."

"If you had a daddy, you'd tell him everything too."

"You tell Mr. A everything?"

Cole nodded.

"You going to tell him about this morning?"

Later on, Cole was awake in the bed, after midnight. He got up from the bed and went to his father's bedroom which was open though the man was asleep. Cole walked through until he was in the en suite bathroom where he found Cecil sr. passed out the morning before. He stood in the spot first, staring at his reflection in the mirror, illuminated only by the moonlight coming from the window. He bent down, sitting on his knees until he laid down in the spot where the man laid, unconscious, less than twenty-four hours before. "I wonder how it felt to be as close to death as he must've been." He wrote in his journal once he went back to his bedroom. "It must feel free because he'll do it again."

"Thank you, Cole. By the way." Schae broke his memory with his voice, "You probably don't actually give a fuck for real. But you forced me out of a real bad place. Multiple times."

"How bad though?"

"Like... I was about to be outta here— bad."

"Mm." Cole simply responded, knowing the feeling of being there though he'd never experienced the ladder half— being forced out. People usually never really noticed any changes in him when he got down. He'd learned to hide well, contrary to popular belief. "I don't know if you should thank me at all.  I was just irritated by how you was talking."  Cole said as if the thanks meant nothing to him although it was something he took joy in— saving. Especially when he felt he'd failed too often recently.

"I know you still going through your own shit. But, you don't ever have to go through it alone."

Cole nodded, not really wanting to hear that phrase. In the last two months, he'd heard it from everyone from his manager all the way to his fans. It's weird for him now and nothing he'd ever act on.

They were now a block away from the door of the apartment." Why'd you move?" Cole wondered.

"I didn't really have to." Schae shrugged, "I just needed a break from all of— everything. So. I left when my lease ended that year and went back to my parents house and it was the worst decision i ever made. Two months later, I found this spot. It just lined up for me perfectly. Not too far from where I work. Close to the studio. Close to the water. Incase I wanna jump." He laughed.

Cole laughed too, having thought of it plenty times.

""You think you might do it again?"

"What?"

"Drugs. I mean, nothing's changed right? You still gonna be around the same people, same influences, same energy."

"But it's a new me."

"No such thing."

"So you would do it again?"

"I already tried to— turned out to be some fuck ass vitamins though." He laughed at himself. "I think about it everyday. I don't even have a good reason for being drug free for real. It's just for everybody elses peace of mind." He shrugged. "I do everything for them."

"So, if it wasnt for your people, you'd still be happily on drugs."

"No, lowkey, i'd be dead for real. I almost died a few times. But I don't know. I might've been cool with that too."

"What the fuck? Didn't you go to rehab?"

"Yeah, didnt you?"

"Yeah. But i'm different and you're  the same. How that work?"

"You're not different, Schae. You was just talking about how you cut your family off for talking shit. You still care about what niggas say about you. That's always been your biggest problem." He argued.

"No it hasnt." Schae defended himself.

"Yes it has. That's why you started doing that coke shit in the first place. To fit in."

"You." He smashed his lips together, trying to find words to combat Cole's . He was right and that heated him to his core. "You so irritating, I swear." He complained.

"I'm not saying nothing, forreal."

"Why was you doing it then? Since you're nothing like me. Since you just love drugs and shit."

"I never said that shit." Cole defended himself. "I ain't say nothing about me except that i'm not a liar. And hell yeah I liked taking pills. I never wanted to stop. But you act like doing drugs was the worst moment in your life. Like you hated doing it. You had fun."

"It was the worse time of my life. Even if it was the most fun i've ever had. They're both true."

Cole nodded, understanding his  point of view.

"This is where I live." They stood in front of an old warehouse turned lofts apartment.

Maverik laughed as Cole left, "Make sure you tell him not to do that stupid shit." They began walking across the street, passing the Joe Louis monument, 'The Fist'. "Don't let him marry her— at least not right now. For one, ain't he still in recovery? He just got outta rehab." Maverik scrunched his face as his stance became more and more sense filled as he thought about the many reasons that Cole shouldn't be thinking about marriage."Everybody I know that got married before thirty is either divorced or wish they were."

"I don't know how accurate that is. But its way more reasons why he don't need to be with her." Dame agreed with the sentiment. "She not good for him. Y'all don't know Cole for real. He let other people dictate his whole life. And she always was aware of that. She loves that about him."

"Mm. She like that she can control him."

"Exactly. And the nigga is easy as fuck. I bet if I asked him, or you to have sex he'd say yes."

"Well—" Maverik grimaced, "Uh," he chuckled, "However weird, I don't think we're good examples. We got beautiful faces."

"My point is, he believes what everyone says. He's gullible. He's easy. He needs people around him to keep him focused. When nobody like that is around, he does stupid shit. Like ask Jill to marry him."

"Well, he gotta learn to handle life alone at some point. Which means at some point you gotta learn to step back. You can't control everything he do."

"Nigga, you just told me to make sure he don't get married. Now I need to step back."

"Yeah. That's how it is sometimes."

Dame shook his head.

"What about you? You ever think of marriage?"

Dame shrugged, suddenly short on words.

"You never thought about it?" Maverik asked as the two found a seat on some chrome colored benches by the river. "I understand your current situation, but like beyond that. Once it's all figured out and worked out. You have any idea of what you wanna do next?"

"Remember how you said you was engaged before you met my mom? Does that mean that you regret getting married young?" Dame asked, "Are you one of the married under thirties you were talking about??

The forty-something year old laughed at the clock that had just been thrown at him.

"Don't hurt yourself now." Dame joked. "You got ya inhaler old man?"

"You got so many jokes today." He tried to stop laughing.  "First of all-" he started as the laugh began to calm, "I was in my thirties when I married Holle. It wasn't until after— you know what, it doesn't even matter because I am happily married."

"You sure? You sound like you tryna convince yourself homeboy."

"One thing I don't play about is my marriage, Damon." He said seriously. "I don't play about marriage and relationships and shit like that no more. I done fucked around and found out too many times in my twenties and going into my thirties. I don't even play about that shit."

They sat in silence for almost two minutes as people walked by and boats sailed by and the water washed up against the concrete they were settled upon.

Dame was scrolling on his phone while Maverik was deep in thought, watching the water.

"Damon." He called, warranting his second oldest's attention. "I'm actually not a cool dad." He admitted, something Dame had already taken note of when watching him interact with his younger sons. "And, I was concerned about how you might take it if I were stern with you like I am with your younger brothers. But, I don't want to discount you or give you bad advice just so that you'll like me."

Dame sat up from his slouched position on the metal seat. He gave all his attention to his father.

"Don't take after me." He stressed with a clenched fist. He loosed his hand and ran it over his curly hair. "Do not take after me." He said it gentler this time. "It will kill me to know that a second generation is screwed up because of my decisions twenty years ago."

He looked at Dame who tried looking away but Maverik called his name again. "It ends now. It ends right now." He said sternly once Dame gave him eye contact.

"But I don't know what to do."

"Then figure it out!" He yelled, getting looks from passerby.  Dame looked around at them, "You embarrassed by the attention?" Maverik fussed at him. "You should be embarrassed you let this shit go on as long as it has. Take care of your children." He said, unwavering. "Swear to me that you will do the right thing. And that you wont so this again."

"I swear." Haw agreed instantly. "I wont let you down."

Maverik stared at him and shook his head.

"I wont let myself down." Dame corrected himself.

"You remember that?" Maverik looked down at his shoes with a grin.

"Of course."

"You know your mom taught me that, right?" He shook his head. "I understand your situation with Sade. She came second, but that don'r mean she can't be the one. You don't gotta feel guilty about that." Dame read between the lines, thinking that if his mother was still alive Maverik would've chosen her. "But don't be like me. Don't have ya kids wondering if they was loved." He looked ar at his son, "We more alike than you know. Which is why I also got a soft spot for ya boy. He reminds me me so much of Cecil. He was my best friend but I enabled his behavior. I will always regret that. Make sure, if you gotta be all in his business, that you're not making anything worse. You know?" He nodded, hopefully getting through to his son.

"You were friends."

Maverik nodded.

And a whole lot became clear to Dame.

p:02.03.2025