𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐨𝐝𝐞𝐥 / 𝐬𝐳𝐚

my pounding head wakes me up from a deep slumber. i have no idea what time i went to bed last night, or how stan got on my bedroom floor. "stan?" i call out, sitting up in my bed. my vanity looks a mess from yesterday.

he groans loudly but responds, "what?" he responds muffled. in an attempt to escape the light he covers his face with a pillow. "what are you doing here?" i ask, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. mascara flakes are visible on my fingers. shit. i didn't take my hair down last night either, but luckily it was just a ponytail. atleast i got into my pajamas.

he finally sits up, covering his face with his hands. "bebe?" he says suprised. "i thought you were kyle." his tone is genuinely confused, which is upsetting. i don't sound like that nerd. "obviously not." i state plainly. "right." he mumbles. he finally musters up the courage to open his eyes. he's so brave to face the morning!

bitch.

"the light won't kill you." i tell him, getting up out of bed and opening my curtains further. i think i'm still drunk from last night, but i don't think i drank that much. "we didn't.." stan starts, but i cut him off immediately denying it.

"oh. good." he clears his throat. "and why would that be good?" i say annoyed. i am not some drunken hook-up, but i'm also not a sigh of relief when you realize you didn't have sex with me. bitch.

"you know- drama." that's true. i shrug my shoulders, not wanting to argue at whatever-time-it-is in the morning. "so, why are you here?" i circle back to my original question. i, clearly had too much to drink. stan is supposed to be sober. "give me a minute." even i am faster in the mornings then him, this is insane. it takes him a full five minutes to come to his senses?

"i walked you home last night." he looks at me for reassurance. "yep." i confirm.

"you told me to come inside."
"probably."
"we said hi to heidi."

"why do you remember that?" i ask.
"whatever just let me continue. then we went to your room."
"obviously."
"you told me to wait in here, but then i think i fell asleep."

his sequence of events makes sense to me. why did i make him come to my room? i did enjoy dancing with him, but initially it was just revenge and to piss clyde off.

"sounds reasonable. breakfast?" i offer him, sitting in my vanity in an attempt to fix my hair. my poor curls. my poor skin! i shouldn't have slept with make up on.

"you can't cook." he tells me. i can cook? i am just not the best cook in the world, and don't care enough to follow recipes. we can't be the best at everything. and how would he know? "shut up. and also y/n makes breakfast usually. so shut up." i reiterate, clarifying my offer. i didn't say i was going to make breakfast. i just asked if he wanted any.

that's assuming she came home last night. her and kyle got pretty close, and i could say the same with her and kenny! save some for me girl. although i'm good on kyle, he's all hers.

"oh. i don't know." he thinks for a moment. he hasn't left my floor yet. "i have to shower still; so you can have breakfast, or go home." i give him an ultimatum. i can't just sit here and wait for him to leave all day, and he can't stay here in my room.

"i'll go. thanks for dancing with me. i had fun last night." he admits, actually getting off my floor. "me too." i tell him. i tear my eyes away from my reflection to face him for a moment.

he seems mostly over wendy to me. which makes me reconsider my own thoughts. why am i not over clyde? he literally cheated on me with my best friend and all i can think about are our good times together, and how i would take him back in a heartbeat. if he had a really good apology. and maybe a gift or two. i thought i could never live without him, and i'm starting to prove myself right.

"bye." he says shortly, not wanting to just hang out in my room any longer. he doesn't wait for a response and swiftfully exits my room. at least he closed the door behind him.

i can finally start my day.

i think i'll just relax today. shower, face mask, outer banks. that's my plan for the entire day. maybe light a candle or two and go out on a walk, but everything i do will be calming. calm music, calm conversations, calm life. i am zen.

i shower then i walk carefully down the steps, conscious of my dripping hair and slip hazard. i decided i want cucumbers to aid my day of rest and relaxation. although i don't think i'll take pills and sleep for a entire year. that was a good book, y/n convinced me to read it.

speaking of y/n, i can see her in the kitchen from the foot of the steps. she's playing some music while she cooks.

"bebe!" she exclaims happily, but her smile quickly drops. "what?" i ask confused. then i notice craig leaning against the counter. i freeze in shock. i didn't expect to have guests so i'm just in my robe. "hey bebe." he greets me monotoned, not caring an ounce about what i'm wearing. he keeps respectful eye contact with me, not looking down.

"hey, craig." i respond strained. y/n stands there kind of lost, not knowing how to react. "i just came for a cucumber." i tell her. "you don't like cucumbers though?" she says confused. she's right. i don't, but they make great covers for your eyes. "do we have cucumbers?" i ignore her sort-of question, wanting to just get my cucumbers and go. "i think so." she opens the fridge and sifts through the vegetable drawer. we haven't been grocery shopping yet, and we really need to go. we ran out of goldfish yesterday.

she hold up the cucumber. "can you cut it for me?" i request. it only makes sense; she already has a cutting board out. "sure bebe." she responds unamused, slicing my vegetable and putting some in a tiny glass bowl. i think it's supposed to be a sauce dish.

"thanks girl." i blow her a kiss as i quickly make my way back up the steps. i don't say anything else to craig. "i thought she was just getting real lonely." i hear craig say as i'm halfway up the steps. "shut up!" i shout back, loudly enough for him to hear me. pervert.

why is he even here? i thought him and y/n were fighting. clearly not.

i take deep breathes in and out, enjoying the mellow aura of my room as i lay on my bed with my face mask and my cucumbers. this is everything i could want in life. besides maybe my boyfriend back.

ugh. i hate clyde and i hate wendy even more, but i just wish things could go back to the way they were. i should have never asked to have a bonfire that night.

no. they just shouldn't have been so sex-crazed. it's not my fault.

i'm conflicted, and starting to delve into non-calming topics. i focus my self into the soft piano i have playing from my phone in the back. only thing that would make this better would be maybe a masseuse. or my boyfriend.

he's not my boyfriend!

my thoughts race and battle against eachother. maybe i should start meditating like heidi. i'm tired of just arguing all day, either with a person or my own self. i want to be calm. like heidi!

i should talk to her about how she stays so grounded. she never yells. or complains. she's the best. heidi is now my role model. my relaxation guide. my calm coach.

the piano reminds me of last night. how gentle stan was with me, like we were dancing on clouds. how clyde held onto wendy. how stan was respectful the entire time, not ever crossing a boundary or reaching somewhere he shouldn't. how relaxed our dance was, no pressure to be the best in the room, or compete against eachother. how clyde held wendy's hand as they left. how stan slowly spun me, taking in consideration my plea to keep my hair nice. how he softly smiled each time we made eye contact. how clyde dipped wendy, and how they laughed the entire time in pure bliss, completely ignorant of my stares.

this. is. not. zen. i can't be left alone with my thoughts, they all diverge into clyde. i need to talk to heidi. she will know what to do. she like meditates and stuff.

"heidi!" i knock on her door after i've made myself presentable. she opens her door quickly. "bebe?" she responds. she look so cute! she has a floral baby tee on with a matching, darker green jacket. she has a jean skirt on which looks very much like my own, but hers is a little longer. "you look adorable! where are you going?" i ask her, temporarily forgetting about my reason for coming.

"out." she evades my gaze and speaks in a quiet voice. "come on. with who?" i continue. people think my prodding is annoying, but i don't care that much. it's fun! "don't say anything, okay?" i nod my head yes at her strange request. i'm not that mean, she can like whoever she wants. just not cartman. that was a big mistake.

"craig." she breathes out. that's shocking. they are like polar opposites! well i guess they're both quiet. and interested in nature. i think he's more into the stars though. "tell me all about it when you get back. but anyways," i start to actually get to the point of why i came over to her room. "how do you like clear your thoughts?" i say. i don't know how to phrase my question exactly, but i think she understands me.

"i usually just focus on my breathing." she tells me. she takes a seat on her bed while i stand near the door. "doesn't work." i shake my head at her. "sometimes i go on walks?" she adds hesitantly, unsure of my response. that sounds good to me, and anything's worth a shot. i wanted to go on a walk anyways. it's nice out too! the sky is a perfect blue.

"you're the best heidi." i say goodbye and good luck before i leave her room, returning to my own just as fast as i left it. i quickly survey my outift in the mirror and grab my phone before heading downstairs. "i'm going on a walk." i yell out to y/n, and i guess craig, who are both still in the kitchen. does heidi know he's here already? he's been here atleast half an hour.

i slide on my not-so-white forces and head out. normally i'd have a new pair by now, but i'm holding onto these ones for some reason. clyde got me them for my birthday a couple months back.

as soon as i step outside i feel stupid. what's wrong with me? why can't i just get over him? as i walk along the narrow path all i can feel are eyes on me, but they're all the same pair of eyes.

clyde's bright, sky blue eyes. they are my favorite feature of his, they're so mesmerizing. everyone always says you can get lost in someone's eyes, but they've never truly drowned in someone's like i have. his eyes are so telling too, an absolute window to his soul. 'i love you' would drip from his eyes like tears, sincerity would swim in them, and i did too. sometimes we would just sit and stare at eachother, enthralled in the others presence.

it's not illegal to miss someone. i will accept this. i stare at my feet as i walk, avoiding watching the sky. it resembles clyde too much. i don't even know why i care so much about him- he was only 5'10" (no matter how much he swears he's 6'0").

i would kind of just disregard some of his characteristics. he loved me, and i loved him usually. that was enough for me.

this walk isn't distracting me much, but it's definetly insightful. it's helping me realize things about myself at least. i wish i could go back in time and enjoy more of my life as it happened to me. i'll never be the same again. maybe it's for the better though, he did cheat on me.

i will focus on my walking now, like heidi does with her breathing. enough of clyde. i am zen.

right. left. right. left. i make methodical movements down the path. right. i'm not quite sure where i'm going honestly. left. i haven't looked up much. right. i think this heads to the beach. left. maybe i should go home now. right. no i'll enjoy myself at the beach. left. sun bathing! right.

right. left. right. left. right. left. eventually the ground beneath me fades into sand. i look up from my feet and notice the wooden sign posted into the ground, detailing where each path leads. it's adjacent to a table which houses a plethora of beach towels. convenient!

i take one and relax underneath the warming sun. its like i'm in an incubator. i'm so glad i wore a tank top today. this has to be one of the warmest days on the beach. i throw my shoes haphazardly to my left as i lay down my towel. sand coats my socks. the sand is hot beneath the towel and my feet. the suns rays burn into the exposed areas of my body. thank god for sunscreen!

very few clouds float by, and when they do they are weak examples of a cloud. they are less dense than a cotton ball. they're completely see through. they block out zero sun, the light filtering completely through the thin veil. it's a perfect day. maybe i'll do this more often.

i head home as the day grows darker, but not very much. sun stretches on for miles out here, never quite crossing the horizon until late in the night. the sunsets are gorgeous though, usually a deep shade of pink and orange blending together. sometimes it's purple. sometimes it's rainbow. they're never all quite the same.

"enjoy yourself?" y/n smiles, waiting for me on the couch. "you were gone for hours. dinners almost ready." she gets up from her seat and heads back into the kitchen. i didn't think i was gone that long, i had to have left mid-afternoon. "what time is it?" i yell through the open door. i dump out the sand from my shoes on the porch before shutting it behind me. "6:30. you left at 2-ish." jesus christ.

i didn't really check my phone, i have no idea why i brought it. everyone i care about is on this island anyways. well besides my parents. i miss my mom- i think i'll call her tonight.

spaghetti. again. "why are we having spaghetti again?" i push the noodles around my plate. "it's easy, everyone will eat it, and it's about all we have." our designated chef responds. y/n. "speaking of vegan-ness, heidi, what did you eat last night?" i direct the conversation towards heidi. none of the meals were vegan. even the pesto sauce had parmesan. "one non-vegan meal won't kill me, and they already had prepared everything. not eating would be a waste." she shrugs. i guess she's right.

i only have a couple bites of the pasta before i'm throwing it down the sink. i'm not really hungry. at least not for spaghetti. again.

y/n rolls her eyes at me but i don't care. not today i don't. i put on my outer banks and delve into the show, not tearing my eyes away from it for what feels like days, but was actually two hours. i don't have a long attention span, i'll admit that.

as the sun begins to set i decide to go on another walk. the first one was great, and i have yet to appreciate a beach sunset. it would be perfect for my insta too if we're being real here. i think i'll swim too.

i throw on a dark red bikini and a light-weight strapless black dress. no point in putting on a bunch of clothes when i am just going to take them off again. i search through all of my suitcases to find shoes that aren't heels or sneakers, and finally find a pair of black sandals. all these shoes, and only one pair of flip-flops. what was i thinking?

"i'm going back out." i tell heidi who's watching a movie on the couch. "again?" she turns around, stretching her arm over the back of the couch. "i'm enjoying the outdoors. isn't that what you do?" i respond. sometimes she cancels on us just to go to a dumb lake or something. whatever hippie stuff she does over there is beyond me.

"yeah but that's for my internship." she shakes her head at me. "what?" i turn around to conversation with her, pausing my expedition. "bebe! i've told you this a million times." she starts rambling about her 'conservation scientist' future and 'how she needs this internship to aid her dream'. whatever.

"oh yeah! i remember now!" i smile. no, i do not remember that at all. "bye bebe." she turns around shaking her head at me again, her hair swishing side to side with each movement. her light brown hair has just recently grown past her shoulders since she cut it short over our 8th grade summer. she wanted a change for highschool then cried over it for a week.

i abandon my feet-watching as the sky fades into a gorgeous orange from the raspberry pink shade it currently is. it's breathtaking. sunsets in colorado are cool and all, but here, it's completely unlike anything i've ever seen. this beats even hawai'i. i'm almost to the beach when i notice two figures sitting there. i almost turn back around when i notice who it is.

wendy and clyde. my breath halts inside my chest, panic swelling within my lungs as i watch them talk, sitting by eachother on the beach. i think i might just drop dead. i inch closer to them, but i don't resonate with my feet. or any other part of my body right now. i am completely stranded inside my skull, seeing everything from a new point of view. i feel like i'm in the third person. my actions are being controlled by some outside entity.

"wendy, i.." clyde trails off, holding her hands in his lap as they move to face eachother. they sit with their legs crossed, knees brushing against eachother. he gently takes his fingers and carefully moves a strand of her hair behind her ear. he would do that with me. "this has been the best i've felt in years. you make me so happy, i don't even know how to explain it to you." she smiles at him. their eyes hold strong, deliberate, eye contact. it's so intimate too, this is worse than seeing their bodies intertwined.

he used to look at me like that. i don't remember when the light faded from his eyes, but somewhere the expansive, sunny, sky that were his eyes grew stormy and dark; retracted.

"i love you." he tells her proudly, confidently, sincerely. somehow, her smile gets larger. they lean in at the same time and kiss passionately, and carefully. like they are made out of ceramic and might shatter the other with too much force. "you're the best mistake i've ever made." she whispers inbetween. they barely break away from eachother, as she spoke her lips grazed against his, each movement of her lips felt by his.

somehow they find the strength to part from the other, but they still keep contact with the other. clyde delicately rubs his thumb over the back of her hand. he used to do that with me, he said he couldn't not touch me. it let him know i was still there with him and he wasn't dreaming. that's what he said.

they don't speak, not daring to ruin the moment. they resume their eye contact. "god, your eyes are just mesmerizing- hypnotizing." wendy's voice is quiet. clyde laughs slightly at her compliment and they lean in again.

i want to just run up to them and break them apart screaming. he's supposed to be my boyfriend! he's supposed to love me, not her! why wouldn't wendy want me to be happy? she had her own love, why wasn't stan enough for her? he's great!

the first time clyde told me he loved me he brought me to stark's pond. he went on and on about how his friends said this was the best spot in town, and how i deserved only the best. he finally got the point and said he hopes he could be a fraction of what i deserve and that he would love me forever, no matter what. it was