CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Alone

     Estelle's footsteps echoed through the halls of the Grand Palace, choosing not to stare at the ridiculously expensive show of money decorating the walls and ceiling in gold and marble. The floors were also marble, black and gold to contrast the bright walls around, with a little white mixed in for more color.

In her hands were a stack of important papers she needed to get to various lords around Ravka and court, all about military deployments and the arising danger that the Darkling posed to them. It was one of her many chores that were in her job detail.

In only a few days, she'd become swamped with things to do, and practicing her Small Science became secondary, tertiary, whatever was less than all her jobs to Ravka.

Deep purple bruises were left under her eyes from lack of sleep and energy, but she had brought this upon herself. She accepted Nikolai's job offer. She was doing all of this for the good of Ravka, all while Alina rallied the Grisha Army and Nikolai the noble dignitaries from near and far. She was simply stuck doing paperwork.

"Estelle."

She looked up quickly, bringing her steps to a slow stop. Farrah and Ana stood in front of a doorway, both of their faces grim. Estelle frowned.

"What is it? What's happened?" she demanded.

"Everyone else is inside," Farrah said. "We can all talk then."

Suspicion clawed at Estelle, but she walked through the door Ana opened for her to find that, indeed, the rest of her friends were inside the room. It was a waiting room with a bookshelf, a few sofas, and a desk in it. Light shone through three windows in perfect rays.

All heads snapped up to meet her eyes once she stepped through the door.

Kenna took a step forward, closing the book she held in her hand. She opened her mouth to say something, but she closed it just as quickly, stepping back to stand behind the sofa Lije sat on.

Mars sat on the opposite side of a second sofa than Jiel. Emil leaned against the far wall, peering out one of the windows. The tension was thick. Were those...tear stains...on Kenna's cheeks?

"Somebody tell me what's going on right now," Estelle demanded, signing along for Ana. "What's happening?"

Nobody spoke up and, seeing this, Mars swallowed and stood up. "Estelle, our captain, we will always be loyal to you and to you alone."

"But?" Estelle gritted her teeth, staring at Mars.

"Ravka...Os Alta, it's not the place for us," Farrah said. "We all miss the sea, the Izoćeici. Freedom."

Understanding, Estelle nodded slowly, exhaling deeply. "And you're telling me this...why? To let me know you're leaving? Why didn't you just disappear?"

Jiel scoffed. "We can't leave you, Estelle. We promised you that we'd stay with you until the Darkling was defeated, to aid you, fight with you, advise you. We can't go, until..."

Estelle frowned, looking at the faces of her friends, her crew. "Until I release you from this duty. That's why I'm here." She could feel tears pricking at her eyes. "Right?"

When she received no response, she had her answer, she knew. They couldn't leave Os Alta to go where they really wanted to because her orders bound them wherever she went. And she had no plans of leaving Ravka soon.

Panic seeped into Estelle's mind. They couldn't leave her. She needed them to help her navigate the Ravkan court and the ongoing war. There was no other way for her to survive without her crew. Without her friends.

They had become her friends.

And they wanted to leave her.

Estelle shook her head, placing her papers down on a coffee table. "No." She began to pace, mind whirring. "No, I ne—I need you all. I can't do all of this without you. I c—I can't."

She could keep them here. She could refuse their request to return to the Izoćeici. They would be bound to her for as long as she wished.

Was that too selfish?

Why was it selfish? It was only fair. They'd gone this far with her so far, why couldn't they just stay a while longer?

It was self-preserving.

It was rational.

It was reasonable.

It was not out of line.

Estelle inhaled, wrapping her arms around herself. Right?

"Estelle."

She popped her eyes open, bringing her spiraling thoughts back. Kenna stood in front of her, and everyone else was behind her, looking at Estelle with worry.

"Estelle, listen to me," she said softly, begging. "You don't need us as much as you think. You escaped the Darkling on your own. You found us all and recruited us. You made it back after the last job. You helped us get out of the Fold. You, Estelle, are responsible for your status of being alive. Not us."

She stilled for a moment. How could that be true? But, sure enough, as Estelle thought back, she found truth in Kenna's words.

A tear escaped Estelle's eyes and slid down her cheek silently. "But—But you're my friends. You're my only friends here."

"You have Nikolai," answered Emil. "And Alina, Tamar, Tolya. They all know you. They believe in you and they'll protect you, if your life is what you really fear for."

She didn't have Nikolai. Not really, anymore. But maybe she could find solace with them.

However, it wasn't just her life she feared for. "What about you all? How will you get across the Fold? Are you so confident that you will make it to the Izoćeici alive?"

Mars snorted. "You don't need to worry about us. Worry about yourself, here in court. The nobles and the Grisha will not hesitate to rip you apart with their teeth." She paused. "Metaphorically, of course."

Ana inhaled and exhaled, stepping forward to place both of her hands on either one of Estelle's shoulders. "You are stronger than anyone else here. You will rise, and then you will come back to us as Captain Estelle. Right?"

Right?

Right?

Right?

Slowly, Estelle nodded. Ana stepped back, the other following suit to give her space.

Straightening, Estelle tried to get back her composure by fixing her ruffled clothes and hair and wiped her face. She took a long look at her friends again.

Mars, finally showing warmth in her features.

Kenna, already crying.

Emil, holding back her own tears.

Jiel, proudly smiling at Estelle.

Lije, nodding to give Estelle strength for her next words.

Farrah, holding Kenna and her eyes pleading with Estelle.

And Ana, wringing her hands, keeping eye contact.

"This is what you all really want?" Estelle asked, one time only.

They all nodded. "We love you, Estelle. But the only thing here for us is you, and with all the new things for you to do, we will have nothing."

Estelle let out a shaky breath. She was really going to do this. "Then, I release all of you from your mission, to go where you want and do as you please." Blinking away tears, Estelle forced a smile.

Ana rushed into a hug. She wasn't saying anything, but the gesture was enough. Thank you.

Words of gratitude passed from the others' lips, final hugs and smiles passed between the group. And then they left.

Estelle didn't know how long it all took. She didn't care. Soon enough, it snapped.

The composure she held fell away as soon as the doors closed behind them all, leaving Estelle by herself. Alone.

Tears streamed freely down her face, an emptiness aching in her heart. She understood, but she hated it. All of it.

Why now? Ana said she was strong, but Estelle didn't feel strong, her back against the door as she cried about her departing friends. She didn't feel stronger than anyone else.

Estelle slid down the door to sit on the ground. She pulled her knees to her chest and burrowed her face. She was a mess.

This was all a mess. Why did they have to leave her?

Why did she let them?

Why?

She choked on another sob.

All alone. Just like she was when this all began. Manipulated and left broken, she'd gone to search for a life.

Estelle had none of that life left.

All alone.

All over again.

a/n— I just got back from my no-phone camp so I decided what better to use my time on than to update? It's another sad one, sorry :(