CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Real

     Estelle was taking a stroll around the gardens as she waited for the war strategy meeting to let out. She had a different meeting to attend to, one that she couldn't miss, no matter how much Nikolai wished for her to be there.

For hours, she listened to the Grisha teachers try to figure out what to do after Alina decided to evacuate the children. Would they stay and help? Would they go to Keramzin with the children?

Estelle made their situation very well known. It would be dire and if the Darkling attacked Os Alta, he'd do it with his shadow soldiers, the nichevo'ya. It wasn't easy to defeat the nichevo'ya, Alina had told her the only way to kill them was to use the Cut. Estelle wasn't sure if she'd be able to use the Cut again.

Most of the teachers decided to go to Keramzin, while a small few went with Estelle to the Little Palace. Those who came with her immediately fit in with the Grisha there, all with a similar goal: To take down the Darkling.

Estelle sat down on a bench, breathing in the flowery scent, the breeze lightly ruffling her braided hair. Her baby hairs were loose and getting in her eyes even though she turned her face to where the wind was coming from.

She could see Nikolai and Alina coming from the moment they walked into the gardens. Alina looked like she was fuming, presumably from the meeting they'd just come from.

"Let me guess, your brother?" said Estelle as they were in earshot.

"Not hard to guess that," muttered Alina as she sat down next to Estelle. "He's a donkey."

Nikolai chuckled. "Right. And what would that make me?"

"A donkey's brother," Estelle replied simply, "who just so happens to be on a quest for the throne. Did you accomplish anything in the meeting today?"

Alina let out a breath of frustrated air. "Not a thing."

"Yeah, well, that happens." Estelle shrugged.

"Did you accomplish anything?" asked Nikolai.

"I brought back some Grisha to fight. They're not many, but it can be enough to make a difference." Estelle stood, brushing off her pants.

"We really need to get you a kefta," said Alina. "I mean, you're the Star Summoner. I've got a one-of-a-kind kefta, you should have one, too."

Estelle wrinkled her nose. "No, thank you. I stand out enough without a kefta to make me look like a tree topper."

Alina rolled her eyes, but dropped the subject nonetheless. "How are the Grisha meetings going?" Estelle asked. "I apologize that I haven't been there."

"They're...uh...they're coming along. Our defenses are getting stronger for against the Darkling, if he decides to attack."

Then a figure strode into the garden and Estelle groaned. "Oh, no."

Nikolai frowned. "What is it?"

"Your brother. I promised him a meeting later today when I got back." She dug the heels of her palms into her eyes. "Probably another marriage proposal."

Those had gotten increasingly often. As weeks went by, Vasily sought out Estelle wherever she went, trying to prove that he was the better Lantsov brother. More than often, he even hinted that he was the only Lantsov brother.

Of course Estelle knew about the rumors, but she'd never wanted to ask Nikolai if they were true. If his mother had an affair and he wasn't of true Lantsov blood.

So she ignored the rumors and the hints Vasily dropped, instead believing that a Lantsov born of blood wouldn't necessarily be the best for the throne. Instead, Nikolai would be a good king because of who he was, about how he cared for his country, his people.

Nikolai ground his teeth. "Come on." Grabbing her arm, he hooked his through and began to escort her out of the garden, the way Vasily was coming.

"What are you doing?" she hissed, trying to turn back.

"I'm helping you," he whispered back. Alina had disappeared.

Then Vasily turned the corner and his eyebrows raised in shock at seeing them. "Brother. What are you doing here?"

"I was coming to pick up Estelle for our meeting she promised me," Nikolai lied smoothly. "After all, she is my most trusted and valued advisor."

"You...promised him a meeting," Vasily said slowly, narrowing his eyes at Estelle, "after you'd already promised one to me?"

"Did I?" Estelle asked, feigning confusion. "I don't believe I did. Perhaps you imagined it."

Nikolai steered Estelle around him. "Good day brother."

They could hear Vasily's curses until they reached the garden's entrance. Estelle kept her arms in his as he led them to the Grand Palace and down the corridor to her room. They didn't speak until they were right outside the doors to her bedroom.

"Thank you," she said, turning to him. "For saving me from your brother."

"Anytime," Nikolai shrugged it off. "Hey, are you going to come to my party?"

Estelle cocked her head. "What party?"

"My birthday party," he told her, as if it were obvious. "It's the talk of Os Alta, you know."

"Hmm, I haven't heard a thing about it. Must not be that important."

"Oh, ha ha," sneered Nikolai. "You are so very funny."

Estelle opened the door. "I know. I probably do have to go, seeing as my position makes it impossible for me not to, but I just have a lot to do. The Darkling could attack at any time."

"True," he said, "but you only have a party like this one once. It's the return of the prince, the savior who's going to bring Ravka from the ditches."

"You should try to tell your advisors that you believe Ravka is in the ditches," she replied.

"I just did." He held the door open for just a moment. "So? The party?"

Estelle turned around. "Fine. But I'm only there for your safety and as your friend, because you asked."

"Thank you," Nikolai said. "And your welcome again for getting you away from Vasily. You might even want to consider me your guardian saint."

She snorted. "Right. Guardian saint, that's funny."

—

Estelle chewed her lip, her leg bouncing up and down as she sat on the edge of her bed. Nothing to do, believe it or not.

She glanced at the windows, light flooding through them with the curtains drawn. It reminded her of Alina, the ball of sunlight that had seemed a little dimmer than usual.

From the last real conversation they had together, it was likely the work of the Darkling. He was visiting Alina, probably more than he had been visiting Estelle. If Estelle was him, that's what she would do, too. Alina was the more vulnerable and more powerful out of them.

Impulsively, she stood and pulled the curtains shut. Her room was engulfed in darkness. Then Estelle walked over to the backless settee and sat down, legs crossed.

Estelle closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to calm herself. This was more of a ritual now than before. With so much time on her hands, she could venture into the world that the stars have seen any time she pleased.

"Come on Aleksander," she muttered, rolling her shoulders. "Show me where you are for once, you coward."

She searched far and wide, from the Wandering Isle to Shu Han, The Southern Colonies to Fjerda. It was unlikely he was still over the ocean, but she wasn't going to leave anywhere out, just in case.

And though she had all the hope she could muster, Estelle still knew she wasn't going to reach him. It was like a cloud of darkness surrounded him at all times, even when he wasn't using his Small Science. Like it wasn't just his Grisha Science that concealed him from the stars, like it was his soul, as well.

Maybe that was superstition, but it was well within Estelle's belief. If she believed that dead Saints could grant her wishes or luck, she certainly could believe that.

She didn't know how long she'd searched, but she came up empty, with no success to show for her effort.

"I'm sure all you have to do is ask. I'm not that unreasonable."

Estelle's eyes flew open, not expecting to hear his cold voice cutting through her silence. Her bedroom was still dark, though lit with starlight in tendrils like light strung from the walls, ever moving. He stood by the door, dressed in the dark kefta he never took off.

Trying to get control of her breathing, Estelle scooted back on the settee and glared at him. "I don't know who you try to tell that to, but I'm not a child anymore. That won't work on me."

Aleksander continued to gaze at her with his masked expression and his hands folded behind his back. "How can you be so sure?"

She scoffed. In response, he stepped forward, one foot in front of the other. "You've been manipulated by so many people in your life, Estelle. I'm trying to do what's best for you."

"And what's that?" she spat, stumbling off the sofa to get further away from his approaching figure.

"That's simple," he said. "Help me convince Alina to join us. We can rule the world together. Everyone, finally at peace with each other. Shu Han, Fjerda, Ravka."

Estelle eyed him. "And how exactly are you going to do that?"

Aleksander simply smiled, his close-lipped smirk that didn't quite reach his eyes. The back of Estelle's knees hit her bed. He didn't stop trying to get closer to her.

She reached for the sheets as she staggered around the end of the bed, trying to find a way around him. It didn't seem like a plan she could figure out in the time she had.

This isn't real, she tried to tell herself.This isn't real. He isn't real.

"Estelle, it's okay. It's alright. I know what you need."

She shook her head, shutting her eyes. "No. Get away from me. Get out!"

He didn't. Instead, he continued to come, trapping her in the corner. "Estelle, we can help each other."

"You're not real. You're not real. You're not real," she muttered, covering her head. She was shaking. This was not how it was supposed to go. He was supposed to leave her alone. She was supposed to be brave. She was supposed to be the brave haro in the story, the savior, the saint.

The guardian saint.

Now, Nikolai's words came to her. She didn't feel like a guardian saint, much less a saint of any kind. Saints had a reason to be remembered. Estelle was just a Grisha a little different from the rest. She hadn't done anything important, she hadn't helped anyone. Not like Sankta Anastasia or Sankt Petyr.

You can't help anybody without a clear head.

Clear head. Estelle blinked, suddenly feeling a little less lost. Clear head. Again, Nikolai's advice.

She looked up at Aleksander. The Darkling. "Get out."

The Darkling stared at her. "Estelle—"

"Out!" she shouted, shutting her eyes. "Get out! You're not real! You are not real!"

Silence. Estelle opened her eyes and peeked around her room. It was empty.

She stood up straight, the same phrase repeating in her mind. It's not real. It's not real.

It's not real.

The next day, the exact same words still repeating, Estelle opened up her door, ready to pretend like it never happened at Nikolai's birthday party.