❛𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦❜

USELESS.

Dazai's existence was absolutely useless.

He never once considered his own life to have any significance or value for him being deemed worthy at any point of his life. How could he when all he experienced was suffering and trauma. He was weak. The weak fear happiness itself. They harm themselves on cotton wool. Sometimes they are wounded even by happiness.

That's why he was so afraid to feel any happiness. He knew he'd get some kind of disappointment sooner or later and that short and small spark of joy will turn out irrelevant and useless.

Dazai's throat burned due to the sake which was poorly held by his bandaged hand, his baggy, red eyes narrowed and just kept looking down to the glass, his depressive thoughts consuming him as per usual. If you actually took a look into his brown eyes, you'd see nothingness itself staring right back at you. Nihilism. Emptiness. Uncertainty. Hopelessness.

His body was usually cold as well and very malnourished at times as he only drank himself to sleep and never seemed to care about his outer appearance at all. It was all irrelevant. As long as he was present at the mafia to do his work, nothing else mattered.

The mafia was the only thing that gave him some type of purpose. If he could call that.

He seemed to be motivated a year ago when he first joined but now... he wasn't sure anymore. He felt stuck.

The young boy was at his lowest point in life. As if he hadn't been through enough already. That his life was capable to go downhill even more wasn't something he ever thought was possible.

Breathing no longer felt like a common thing for him. It was a chore at this point. Everything was. Getting up in the morning especially was very disappointing. Dying while he had finally managed to sleep sounded the most pleasant and painless way to die. But he kept meeting his ceiling every morning, being able to sense and feel his futon underneath him and wrapped around his thin body. He'd smell the alcohol from the bottles scattered around him. He'd have to hear the cars and busy people slide through his ears. And he'd taste the bitterness of not caring to brush his teeth properly every day.

It was the same thing every time.

He wanted everything to stop.

He wanted nothing.

Sir?

Why can't he just disappear?

Sir? Hello?

Why does he have to exist?

"Sir!"

Dazai abruptly awoke from his small dozing off with tired eyes and saw how the bartender of his favourite bar stared at him in pity, his hands cleaning the glass that was now removed from his rough hand. He exhaled through his nose and crossed his arms to lay his head on them for a second, a groan leaving him.

His head hurt.

Inhaling very deeply he stood up and wrapped his dark coat over his shoulders and exchanged goodbyes with the other man, catching onto his body language that the bar was closing and that he should leave. The handsome boy ruffled his hair exhaustedly as he opened the door to exit the bar as the red neon light of the logo illuminated the left side of his face.

Thud, thud, thud.

Someone bumped his shoulder as he turned to his left, not being bothered at all since he felt slightly numb all over and had his head elsewhere for him to register anything.

"Oh I'm sorry."

His head turned slightly to the right, all droopy and empty.

There was you, a young student who had to run errands and just was about to return home and you always did so by walking through this alleyway where the bar was. You stopped in your tracks and locked eyes with the stranger.

You couldn't help but notice how malnourished he looked, hair all unkempt, reeking badly of alcohol. Scrunching your nose at the stench, you took in the rest of his appearance. He was young, handsome but yet so... empty. The way he stared at you with his right eye covered by a bandage - in fact his neck and hands were covered by them too - his gaze on you was brief yet delivered so many things all at once.

Nothingness. Hopelessness. Exhaustion.

He had not said a word after you had apologised and just slowly turned around, his focus on the ground as he didn't want to be a burden to some random stranger like he always was. He was a burden. A heavy rock that just wouldn't leave his close ones' lives.

"Wait."

Dazai ceased his steps and just stood there, his long black coat that Mori gave him swaying a bit when he halted, never turning around still.

You sighed as you began to stride over to him before you were right next to him, slowly and gently making yourself present so you wouldn't overwhelm him. Dazai's eyes moved to your face again, this time having a much better view of your soft features, his eyes unconsciously analysing you as he did with everyone. His brain was always working, even when he wasn't sober.

"What are you doing here, drinking until you can't think?" you asked suddenly, a slight frown on your brows, sensing a new found urge to check up on this random stranger's well being.

You were always like that.

A bright person, who would always make sure that people were okay, that they were happy, taking them into your precious time to give them what they deserved. It's just who you were. You were practically molded to behave this way, you just couldn't help it.

When you saw the stranger's terrible state, you couldn't help but let your empathetic nature take over you.

Dazai, who was still drunk and felt his head getting pierced repeatedly from all the alcohol, not being able to think properly, parted his lips to say something, but didn't yet. His eyes lazily and exhaustedly watched your face, blinking and raising his brows to bring himself to do literally anything.

He was able to form a thought in his so fogged and messed up mind. He thought that you were only wasting your time on him and shouldn't care about him like this. He wished you'd go away.

"'Am tired... that's why," he finally uttered with a slight raspy tone. His voice was smooth and pleasant to hear, it made you calm down immediately for some reason, like honey would calm down a sore throat. His answer was short, his breath stinking of sake to which you dipped your head back a bit, still not trying to seem rude.

It took you a moment to understand at what he meant with 'tired'. It wasn't just him wanting to sleep. No. It was something way deeper than that. He was tired of lots of things, things that may have plagued his mind and he wanted an escape.

You didn't think about it any further as you didn't want to jump to any conclusions and it was none of your business. He's a stranger after all. With a small nod, you shifted on your feet a bit, your hands at your back, standing with a straight posture - a contrast to Dazai's, who was a bit slouched, legs a bit unstable from being so intoxicated.

"I see. You seem quite unstable... do you..." you spoke carefully, the words rolling off your tongue in a gentle manner as you trailed your eyes along his tall frame, "do you want me to help you?"

The brunette didn't say anything for a while. Again, he was reacting delayed, his dark eyes focusing and refocusing while he breathed out of his mouth in a laboured way. This shitty feeling was eating him up at the moment. Yes, he wanted your help. Yes, he needed company but-

"No. I'm fine..." he answered instead, being hesitant about his reply but settled for it. He didn't want to be a burden, that's what he kept telling himself the whole time. Dazai shut his eyes as he held in an unconscious breath before releasing it and licked his dry and chapped lips, tasting the sake again on them.

"I'm... fine," he repeated, though for more to himself than to you.

A big sigh left you at that and looked down once before you stared back at him, who had his attention to the ground now. "You're clearly not,"

Dazai heaved a bit of an agitated sigh at your words, turning his head to you once more, "Look, I appreciate your help but I already told you. I'm fine. I've handled this by myself many times," he gave a sigh of his own, beginning to move his limbs so he could walk.

But before he could, you immediately gripped his arm, halting him again and caused him to look at you with an irritated expression on his face, although there was another emotion that was hidden deep under that shell of his irritation. There was a pleading glow in his eyes, it was very very subtle which you weren't able to see. He wanted to leave. Dazai didn't want to stay here with your (e/c) eyes staring at him like that.

Please leave me alone. Please- just don't look at me like that.

He begged internally but he knew the instant you had that firm grasp on his arm, you had already made up your mind. The mafioso couldn't do anything about it, you had him under your grasp - metaphorically and literally.

At his reply, you breathed out through your nose and formed a small smile, your gaze never lifting off of his face, removing your hand from his arm and stood directly in front of him, face merely a few inches away from his own. The sake breath was now much stronger as it was hitting your face while you took in his features a bit more, finding him so pretty under the moonlight.

"How about this: I will take you to my place and I'll nourish you for a bit, take you to a lovely place where I always hang out when I feel down and take care of you. Physically and mentally. Does that sound good?" you offered, having leaned back to give him more space and intertwined your own fingers behind your back, anticipating his answer, regardless if he said yes or no.

You didn't know why you were so adamant to help this young boy out, but something inside you said that it was the right thing. That he needed this badly, this plan of yours.

Dazai just stared with a slightly surprised face. He was speechless for a moment. The brunette thought he misheard you. What? Nourish him? Take him somewhere lovely? This had to be a joke. What were you thinking? Did he seem that approachable to you at the moment? What did you even like about him, in this ugly state of his?

As he didn't reply yet again, you let out a huff and became a bit impatient. "If you let me do that, I swear I'll leave you alone afterwards. I promise. Just let me take care of you," you spoke, minimal desperation lingering in your tone. You yourself didn't understand your own actions.

The boy opposite you inhaled deeply, a bitter expression on him before he shut his eyes once more and opening them again, "Fine," he breathed out, eyes and the rest of his face softening.

He couldn't help it. Not when you stared at him like that with your (e/c) eyes. He let his inner desires get the best of him, to escape this agonising loneliness for a while.

It wasn't like he was unfamiliar with women wanting to spend time with him after a few drinks at the bar Lupin. He was a well known catch for the ladies and he loved them just as much. Dazai was a natural flirt, natural smooth talker that would get any woman or girl fall to her knees for him. He had that talent in him. And he used it for his own selfish needs or other things. For information or manipulation if needed.

But what he found in your eyes wasn't something lustful. It was actual care and concern swimming in them. You genuinely wanted to treat his terrible state, you actually cared about him.

No woman or girl had ever done this before. He didn't know how to feel about it. Should he be glad? Scared? He simply didn't know.

So after he agreed, you began to head to your place which wasn't far from the bar. As mentioned earlier, you'd always take this route through the alleyway as a shortcut and you would normally take it if you ran for errands.

"What's your name, by the way?" you turned your head as you two walked slowly, since the stranger was still somewhat unstable with his footing.

He turned to you, being ripped off of his thoughts and managed to smile a bit, which you thought was absolutely beautiful.

"Dazai."

He simply answered, no need to say anything else.

You nodded at that and smiled a bit wider as you kept staring at him. "It's nice to meet you, Dazai. I'm (Y/n)," you said politely, his arm occasionally brushing against yours the further your legs moved.

The young man gave you another faint smile of his which you just had to catch a glimpse of and then silently followed you to your home. He didn't have to say anything further as you knew he wasn't exactly in the mood to speak that well. Dazai would sometimes drag his feet forwards, his body losing balance to which you would immediately catch him and keep him up straight.

"Thanks," he'd mutter, absolutely indifferent at this point and not embarrassed since he'd been in situations such as these before. Being touched by a girl, feeling comfortable in her embrace.

"Don't mention it," you'd softly say back with a small smile, the cool air of the night subtly hitting your skins, swaying your hair gently. There weren't many people around where you lived, so you two wouldn't be bothered or interrupted by anyone as you calmly kept walking.

About ten minutes later you'd arrive at the familar neighborhood you grew up in and went up the small stairs that led to your front door and unlocked the keys. Your apartment was relatively tall and average looking to Dazai, who would wander around his eyes in much interest and absentmindedness, his hands in his pockets. The names of your neighbours and the buttons for the bell were plastered on your left side in the booth-like entrance. He'd memorise every name by skimming over them with one pointed look of his, just out of boredom.

You entered the lobby and walked over to the elevator and pressed the button which glowed red around the edges in a circle as Dazai stood next to you, having begun to look better since he took some fresh air. His brown eye wasn't so tired and unfocused anymore but he still felt the strong effects of the alcohol in his system, his head hurting a bit.

Glancing to your left side a bit, you got a short view of his side profile which consisted of a sharp jawline, a perfect nose, soft yet chapped lips and that bandage wrapped around his head to hide his right eye. He was very handsome, you realised again. His hair looked sweaty yet you wanted to run your fingers through them. His mere presence looked so inviting, which was probably the reason why you offered him all of this the first place most likely. But you genuinely wanted him to feel better. He needed it.

Upon the elevator making a 'ding' noise and opening its doors, you both entered and you chose to break the silence. "Dazai, how old are you?"

His eyes found yours again as you two settled in the elevator and then looked ahead of him, shrugging his shoulders before he answered, "Seventeen. You?" the brunette moved his head so it was focused on your direction again while you had pressed the floor number for the elevator to take you upwards.

You looked back at him and smiled timidly, "Me too,"

His face seemed to look even better under the elevator lights, making you see his red cheeks from the alcohol, the shade of his brown eye shining a bit more which made your heart skip a beat. You immediately broke your eyes away from him and fixed your attention to your feet, the mirror beside you, the digital number that went higher the higher the elevator went - anything except his eyes.

What was wrong with you? He's a stranger. Sure you'll be spending time with him but you guys just met.

Still having a rather hazy mind, Dazai's gaze lingered on you, trailing it down your shorter figure and closed his parted lips before turning his head back to his front. A small micro-expression of smugness was evident on his face in a lazy way when his tiredness took over again and his face fell back to indifference.

Cute.

When you reached your floor level, you exited the elevator and went to your door, unlocking it and lead him inside as you two removed your shoes.

Immediately, Dazai would dart his eyes around your place, having noticed other used shoes - female and male - which indicated that you didn't live alone and with your parents in full picture. He seemed glad for you. Someone as sweet as you deserved that. A roof above your head, decent clothes and a family that cared about you and loved you. Then he'd take notice of your place in general. The wallpaper, the aesthetic of it all, pictures, decorations, clothes or items lying around or hung at places. Your house's scent was pleasant. It smelled like fresh coffee beans, even being able to sniff out some laundry that had been recently done. Dazai immediately felt cozy by just standing at your apartment door in those ten seconds alone.

"Welcome to my home. Make yourself comfortable," you said with a polite grin and began to head inside more, guiding him to the living room. Your eyes threw him a short glance as you ran your hand through your (h/c) locks.

"You can remove your coat, you know?" you said, having seen his black coat hanging on his shoulders the whole time, him still being in a somewhat daze.

Upon hearing your words, he blinked, words a bit stuck in his throat as he felt a bit caught off guard. He gave you a nod, slowly grabbing his coat and slid it off of him.

You suppressed a giggle at his expression, finding it a bit amusing. As he had removed his coat, you came closer to him and gently took it from his hands, moving your head up a bit because of your height difference, heart fluttering a bit at that fact as you plastered a small smile. "Let me take that. You go sit on the couch and relax,"

Dazai returned your smile and shook his head in agreement, "Alright. Thank you," he said before he went to the couch and sat down, a quiet groan leaving him at how exhausted he was and only realised how sore his muscles actually were. From stress, his mental condition and his job at the Port Mafia. He leaned against the soft couch and threw his head back, letting out a relaxed sigh with closed eyes.

You had hung his coat next to all other jackets your family owned and then returned to your room, taking a fresh towel with you from your closet and then entered the living room again. When you saw Dazai sitting on the couch that way, a small blush crept up on your cheeks as you found it very attractive. He looked super good in that white button up shirt and that black vest with a matching tie, appearing professional and sophisticated. You cleared your throat at the thought with a frown and then went to stand next to the couch.

"What's up?" Dazai suddenly spoke, his eyes never opening.

Biting your lip at his intruiging yet attractive behavior, you found the words in your mouth and began to speak. "Would you like some water? You know, to sober up a bit,"

The brunette opened his eyes again before fixing them to you, a small smile displaying his lips and straightened his head again, his arms laid on the top of the back pillows. He had a certain glint to his visible eye