a portion of this chapter is inspired by another story i read on ao3. i literally cant find it so if you guys recognize anything and know what im talking abt let me know

warning; relapse, self harm (cutting), manipulation, depressive thoughts, mentions of smoking.

he's doing it again.

the days began to blur together as onceler grew more distant. he hardly spoke to you, except for a few half-hearted "love you"s that didn't feel genuine. he was always busy, either on calls, attending meetings, or away in different cities. you felt incredibly alone, longing for his attention and a chance to talk, but he was always preoccupied.

meanwhile, outside, it looked horrible, mirroring the chaos in your mind. the weight of responsibilities and uncertainties bore down on you, even though you had no control over onceler's business ventures.

stress became a constant companion, adding to your worries and creating a sense of unease. it felt as if you were fading into the background while the world continued to whirl around you.

you've been trying really hard to resist the urge to relapse, but your mind kept playing tricks on you. it made you believe that onceler no longer loved you and that life had lost its meaning. everything felt heavy and lonely, especially because he seemed distant and always busy with work.

you found yourself sitting alone in the dimly lit bedroom the soft glow of the lamp casting shadows across the walls. onceler entered the room, his footsteps light, and you couldn't help but notice the distance in his eyes. he didn't look at you once.

desperate for connection, you mustered the courage to break the suffocating silence that hung between you. "onceler, can we talk?" your voice wavered, betraying the vulnerability that consumed you. yet, as if trapped in his own world, he continued on his path, sitting on his chair where his desk was, his actions indicating a disregard for your words. the disappointment washed over you, engulfing your spirit in a wave of sadness.

tears welled up in your eyes. the sting of unspoken words and ignored pleas clawed at your heart. it was as if you had become invisible in your own home, your presence fading into the background of his bustling life. the ache of loneliness settled deep within you.

in a trembling voice, you whispered to him, almost hesitantly, "can you talk to me..?" the question escaped your lips, carrying with it the weight of countless nights spent yearning for the warmth of his embrace and the reassurance of his love. it hung in the air, a vulnerable plea for acknowledgement and validation.

with a sigh, onceler's voice filled the room, laden with a mix of frustration and weariness. "you know," he began, his voice laced with an anguished tone, "i've built this company from scratch, pouring my heart and soul into it. every thneed that's made, every sale made—it's all for us, for our future."

his words hung in the air, a painful reminder of the growing divide between you. you mustered the strength to speak up, your voice trembling with a mix of hurt and desperation. "but what about us, onceler? what about our relationship, our love? it feels like you're slipping away, like you're using your success as an excuse to distance yourself from me."

he met your gaze, a flicker of guilt briefly crossing his eyes before being replaced by a mask of determination. "no, you don't understand. everything I'm doing, all the sacrifices i'm making, it's for our future together. i'm building a life of security and comfort for us. can't you see that?"

your heart sank, realizing the depth of his manipulation. it was as if he was wrapping his actions in a cloak of noble intentions, using your emotions as a means to justify his behavior. the weight of his words settled heavily upon your shoulders, the truth of his manipulative tactics slowly becoming clear.

"but what about the love, onceler?" you whispered, your voice trembling. "when was the last time you said you loved me, and meant it?"

for a brief moment, his facade faltered, a flicker of vulnerability in his eyes. but just as quickly, it vanished, replaced by a calculated expression. "love, y/n, is complicated! it's not about words, it's about actions. and my actions, my dedication to this company, they're proof of my love for you. trust me, this is for us."

the heaviness in your chest grew, the pain of his manipulation suffocating you. you couldn't help but wonder if the love you once shared had become secondary to his ambitions. the realization left you feeling trapped, torn between the person you loved and the person he was becoming. you longed for the man who loved you unconditionally, the one you could confide in without fear of judgment.

"onceler," you pleaded, "please, let's talk. don't shut me out anymore. i need you here."

onceler stared at you, his expression neutral, as if he were weighing your words against his own desires. his hesitation gave way to doubt as he studied your face. "i love you, y/n. do you understand that? i will never stop loving you, no matter how far apart we might be. the only thing that matters to me is that we're together forever. you're my whole world, and I want you to stay that way. we can build a future together. please, just give me a chance."

the honesty in his words caught you off guard, and it took everything in you to keep from breaking down. he was saying things that you desperately wanted to hear, but his words were tainted with a ruthless intent to manipulate you. it wasn't the words themselves that hurt so much, it was the fact that they came from someone who claimed to love you.

despite the pleading in your eyes, onceler didn't relent. he stood and walked towards you, cupping your cheek in his hand. "don't you get it, y/n? this is the best way forward for us. we'll be happy, no matter what. i promise you, everything will be alright."

you opened your mouth to respond, but the weight of his words weighed heavily on your heart. you knew he wouldn't back down, that he would continue to use his words as a weapon, trying to convince you of the rightness of his decisions.

you closed your eyes and looked away, somewhere, anywhere that wasn't his face, unable to watch his words sink in. he placed a gentle kiss on your head, and you felt his touch as if it were a physical caress, his fingers lingering on your skin. he said nothing else as he left the room, leaving you alone, your heart in pieces.

over the next few days, onceler grew more and more distant, and the distance between the two of you grew with each passing day. you tried reaching out to him, but he was too focused on other things.

one day, the weight of your emotions became unbearable, and you found yourself seeking solace in the dimly lit bathroom. the tiled floor felt cold against your socked feet as you sat there, cross-legged, the sleeves of your dress shirt pushed up, revealing a canvas of pain etched into your skin. the soft glow of a single candle flickered on the countertop, casting dancing shadows across the room.

with trembling hands, you traced your fingertips along the lines that marred your arms, a twisted tapestry of anguish and desperation. the wounds varied in depth and severity, some like delicate brushstrokes, barely breaking the surface, while others were raw and open, the evidence of a desperate release.

the scent of blood mixed with the soothing aroma of lavender candles you had lit for comfort. drops of red stained the clean brown tiles. 

sitting there, you struggled to catch your breath, tears welling in your eyes. the battles waged within your mind echoed in the quiet of the room. you longed for someone to hold you, to offer warmth, but all you heard was your own despair, a reminder of the isolation gripping your heart.

"y/n? y/n! what the hell are you doing?"

startled, you gasped and looked up, your eyes widening in realization. your heart pounded in your chest as you found yourself caught red-handed, exposed in your vulnerable state. the door, forgotten and unlocked, swung open wide, revealing your private moment to onceler who stood frozen in the doorway. his features contorted with a mixture of surprise, concern, and a tinge of disgust.

the door hissed shut behind onceler as he stumbled into the bathroom, his mouth agape with shock. his eyes traced over the cuts visible on your arms, his brows furrowing deeper with each passing moment. the weight of his gaze bore down on you, adding to the heavy silence that enveloped the room. In your trembling hands, you released the box cutter, its sharp edges clattering against the cold tiled floor.

and then, his voice shattered the stillness, exploding with anger and confusion. "what the fuck!" he exclaimed, his words laced with frustration. he moved swiftly, dropping to his knees in front of you, his hands reaching out to pull your arms away, desperate to see the extent of the damage you had inflicted upon yourself.

"onceler..." you began, your voice barely a whisper, but he interrupted you, his anger barely contained. his grip on your wrists was tight, his entire body trembling as he gritted his teeth and breathed heavily. the anger in his eyes bore into yours, demanding answers. "what the fuck happened? you were clean for months!"

caught in the intensity of his gaze, you struggled to find the right words. your mind felt clouded, it was as if you were watching everything from a distance, the significance of the moment eluding your grasp.

his grip tightened, shaking you forcefully, his voice rising in a grating roar. "answer me!" he demanded, his frustration seeping through every word.

"you...i..." you stammered, desperately trying to pull yourself back from the abyss that threatened to consume you. you felt the prickling sensation of tears welling up behind your eyes, the overwhelming surge of emotions threatening to spill over. but for now, you could only blink at him, your mind struggling to process the gravity of the situation. 

he didn't react like this before, he was nice, kind, and even helped you clean up.

"it has nothing to do with you onceler, leave me alone!" you shouted, your voice filled with a mixture of frustration, pain, and a simmering rage that had long been suppressed. the weight of your words hung in the air, a stark declaration of the emotions that had been building within you.

the room seemed to shrink, the walls closing in as the storm of emotions swirled around you. the sight of onceler, once a pillar of support and kindness, now transformed into a figure of confusion and anger, sent a wave of anguish through your heart. you could feel the ground shifting beneath your feet, the foundation of your relationship crumbling before your very eyes.

he recoils, the anger on his face morphing into surprise as he stumbles back. in a flash of fury, you break free from his grip, fueling your movements with a surge of adrenaline. your heart pounds in your chest as you face him, your voice laced with a mixture of anger and pain.

"you have no idea what you're looking at! you think you understand, but you're clueless!" your voice trembles with a raw intensity as you lock eyes with him, the tension palpable. "get out of here! leave this goddamn bathroom!"

he rises to his feet, a mixture of defiance and disbelief on his face, and attempts to reach for you again. the fury within you intensifies, consuming your every thought and action. with a primal scream, you unleash a barrage of violent kicks, each strike fueled by your pent-up rage. you aim for his knees, his stomach, anywhere your fury directs you.

"i said, get the fuck out!" you growl, your voice dripping with venom. the force behind your kicks sends him stumbling backward, his attempts to regain his balance futile.

finally, he manages to steady himself, his eyes wide with a mix of fear and astonishment. for a fleeting moment, the weight of your anger hangs heavy in the air. the door hisses shut behind him as he slowly retreats, your words echoing in the silence.

breathing heavily, you slump to the floor, your body trembling with a mixture of exhaustion and adrenaline. tears well up in your eyes as you survey the aftermath. the knife is nowhere to be seen, and the crimson stains on the floor serve as a painful reminder of the chaos that unfolded.

you remain in the bathroom, the weight of the confrontation settling upon you. the sound of his departing footsteps and the distant echo of the closing door resonate in the stillness. emotions swirl within you, a mix of relief and sorrow, as you brace yourself for the turbulent road ahead.

you couldn't evade him forever, you were in the lobby, sitting there. you glanced up from your thoughts, irritation etched across your face as onceler took a seat across from you. with a deep sigh, you looked back down at your work, hoping he would get the hint and leave you alone.

he cleared his throat awkwardly, his gaze fixed on his hands. "listen, i know you're probably not too thrilled to see me right now, but i wanted to talk."

your eyes flickered up to meet his, a mix of annoyance and curiosity in your gaze. "talk about what, onceler? i don't have time for this."

he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his words laced with a hint of urgency. "i need to apologize, for everything. the way i've been treating you, shutting you out... it's not fair, and it's not how I want things to be."

you arched an eyebrow, skeptical of his sudden change in attitude. "apologies don't mean much if the behavior doesn't change. what's really going on, onceler?"

he hesitated, his gaze searching yours for understanding. "i've been under a lot of pressure with the business, with the thneeds, and i've let it consume me. i neglected you, and i'm sorry. you mean more to me than all of this. i wanna make things right."

your heart wavered between anger and a flicker of hope, unsure of whether to believe his words. "actions speak louder than words, onceler. i can't just forget everything that happened."

he reached out a hand, and you just looked at it.

"just... leave me alone."

you get up and step out of the lobby and head for the door. you don't hear him say anything, you don't look back, you just leave.

you think that might be the end of it. you hope that's the end of it.

days go by, and things start to return to their previous state. he's back to being distant, as if the incident never happened. but deep down, you know he wasn't truly sorry. you knew he wouldn't keep his promises.

and amidst the facade of normalcy, hidden beneath your sleeve, is the fresh cut, a testament to your ongoing struggle. after the incident, you slipped back into old habits, finding comfort in the familiar pain.

sitting on your bed, engrossed in your phone, you fail to hear onceler entering the room. it's only when he clears his throat that you snap back to reality.

"oh, onceler," you say, feigning surprise, "i didn't see you there."

his gaze immediately falls upon your exposed arm, the newly formed marks standing out starkly against your skin. you quickly pull your sleeve down, attempting to conceal the evidence.

you hurriedly explain, your voice tinged with defensiveness. "it's not-" 

"no!" onceler's expression contorts, a mixture of anger, concern, and sadness. he takes a step closer, his voice trembling with emotion.

"i can't stand by and watch you do this shit to yourself!" he exclaims, his words laced with desperation. "i don't get why you hurt yourself like this!"

you let out a weary sigh, feeling the weight of his words. "we've been through this before," you say, your voice tinged with frustration. "everyone has their struggles, their own ways of coping."

"what struggles!?"

you stay silent, but he speaks up again.

"but self-harm, y/n... it's not a healthy way to cope. it's not right"

your anger rises, fueled by the fear of losing control. "and what about you? huh?" you retort, the words escaping before you can filter them. "you smoke cigars and act all confident and cocky, but that's not exactly healthy either!"

the room falls silent, the weight of your words hanging heavily in the air. regret washes over you, but it's too late to take them back. you open your mouth to apologize, to try and salvage the situation, but no words come out.

onceler's face hardens, his expression a mixture of disappointment and determination. without a word, he turns on his heels and walks out the door, his departure punctuated by a thick silence.

the days have blurred together as you lock yourself to your room, he told his mom, she confronted you, made fun of you, you were so hurt. his mom released the info to the public, everyone knew. you just can't bring yourself to go outside. the weight of embarrassment and shame suffocates you, making it hard to face anyone,

a hesitant knock breaks through the silence, and you choose to ignore it. the room feels empty, as if you were the only person left in the world.

the door slides open, and onceler steps inside. you keep your gaze fixed on the floor, avoiding his presence. the room feels heavy with unspoken tension.

he clears his throat softly, his voice cautious. "hey... are you okay?"

bitterness creeps into your tone as you respond, not looking up. "why should you care? your mom made sure everyone knows my secret. did you enjoy sharing my personal struggles with your mom?"

his voice is laced with remorse. "i never meant for that to happen. i was just talking to her, i thought she would understand and keep it between us."

a surge of anger courses through you. "well, congratulations. now everyone knows about my struggles. just what I needed, right?"

"i'm sorry... i didn't know.."

"you should have known!" you retort, your voice trembling with anger and hurt. "you should have known how she feels about me, how she would use this against me. but you didn't care enough to consider the consequences!"

he takes a step forward, his voice filled with defensiveness. "what did you want me to do? i thought I was doing the right thing by telling my mom, seeking guidance."

a bitter laugh escapes your lips, laced with frustration. "guidance? is that what you call it? she made a spectacle out of my struggles, and now I'm left feeling exposed and humiliated."

he gazes at you, "well.. that wasn't my intention! why are you mad at me?"

"intentions don't matter now," you reply, tears welling up in your eyes. "you didn't bother to ask me how I felt, what i needed. you made decisions for me without my consent, and now I'm left picking up the pieces."

silence hangs in the air as both of you struggle with the weight of the situation. the room feels suffocating, and you can see the conflict in his eyes.

finally, he speaks in a barely audible voice. "what can I do now? how can I make it right?"

you take a deep breath, your voice softening as you speak through tears. "right now, i need some space. please, just leave me alone for