˖*°࿐chapter twenty nine.
xxix. NO MORE HEARTBREAKS

———

janelle

"Kai, I don't think this is a good idea," I repeated for the eleventh time as he continued to get dressed in his attire for the day. "I mean, I get that you want to make amends with Bonnie, but this might not be the way to do it."

"Is this your way of telling me you don't trust your own friends?" He smirked up at me, and I pouted.

"I do trust them. I just don't trust their intentions with you. And I'm not just saying that because I don't want you to bring Lily back, although, I hope it's working. . . I just want to make sure you come back in one piece."

Over time, I have warmed up to Kai. He's not as bad as everyone makes him out to be. Sure, he has his flaws, but so do I.

I'm not gonna judge Kai for the things he's done in the past because I know I'm not any better. My body count is through the roof. And while he may not regret what he's done as much as I do, I know deep down he's just as misunderstood as the rest of us.

"Janelle, I'll be fine," Kai assured me with a chuckle. "Don't be such a worry-wart."

"Well, I can't help it that I'm a worry-wart," I exclaimed, throwing my hands up to express my frustration. "I worry about a lot of things, especially the people I care about."

Kai suddenly stopped whatever it was he was doing to look up at me. There a slight glint in his eyes. "You care about me?" he asked.

"I've always cared about you," I replied. "Maybe not as much in the beginning, but I've realized, even when I was at my worst, or when I was going through that pain of losing everything, the only person who stayed by my side was you."

"Janelle, I would go to the ends of the earth for you. You know that."

"I do," I nodded, bringing myself closer to Kai. "And I also know that you're in love with me. And that it wasn't fair of me to erase you from my life because I couldn't handle losing you. I feel horrible about it, and I wish I could take it back, but-"

"So take it back," he said.

"What?" I tried to laugh.

"Call up the vamp in the suit and tell him you want your memories back," Kai said in a more serious tone this time.

"Whoa, Kai. Slow down," I put my hands on his chest to bring his attention towards me. "I do want to remember you and what we had, but I need you to understand that I'm not ready to jump into a relationship right this second."

"But you just said that you —"

"Kai," I whispered, getting his eyes to focus my own. "I promise you, one of these days I will take my memories back. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but I will. If you really do love me, then you'll give me time."

"You're gonna make me wait another 18 years for you, aren't you?" Kai playfully scowled at me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Why?" I joked, dancing my fingers over his chest. "Don't think you can handle it?"

"I literally traveled through time and space to be with you. I can handle anything."

"Good," I whispered against his lips as I closed the gap between the two of us.

Kai's hands gripped the hem of my shirt, inching it higher until he was able to feel my bare skin. It felt nice being able to fall back into this. Kissing him, touching him, simply being with him.

Even if I couldn't bring myself to fully love Kai the way he wanted me to, that didn't justify how I feel about him.

Because it was true — I did feel something for him. Maybe it was love, maybe it wasn't, but I liked it.

Kai's fingers sifted through my hair, pulling it lightly. His touch sent some kind spark through me. And I don't even care how cliche that sounded. All I wanted was to stay with him right here, in this very room, and never let him go.

My mind was racing. My skin was on fire. My nerves were electrified.

"K-Kai," I managed to murmur against his mouth, stopping him from going any further. "Kai... we can't."

I tried to pull away, keeping my arms locked around his torso. If I were to untangle them, I guarantee you my legs would give out. That kiss was a rush, and I wanted to continue, but I knew if we did, things would happen. Which, honestly, I wouldn't mind at all.

"We can," Kai argued, leaning in closer.

"Kai —"

"Don't tell me you don't want this."

My breath hitched in my throat at urgency and roughness in his voice. I tried to muster up a reply, but I had nothing. I seriously had no words. And I thank the heavens right now for letting my phone ring to save me from this utter embarrassment.

Kai groaned as he reluctantly released me from his hold.

"Sorry, sweetie." I plopped down onto my bed, unplugging my phone from its charger, and answering the call. "Hello?"

"Hey, Janelle. Have you seen Kai around?" Elena asked.

My eyes widened, flickering over in the direction of the very person she was talking about. He raised his eyebrows as he sat down next to me.

"Nope. Haven't seen him," I lied. "Why? What's going on?"

"He was supposed to meet Bonnie at the Grill a half hour ago, but he never showed."

Kai sat there staring at me with a devilish gleam in his eyes. That's when he proceeded to lean forward, pressing his lips to my neck as he kissed it once. I felt goosebumps immediately rise on my skin, but I quickly focused back on the conversation.

"Really? Huh, that's interesting," I said to Elena, my irritation level rising up once again as I remembered the situation with her and my brother this morning.

I nudged Kai slightly, prodding him in the hopes that he would stop distracting me. He merely smirked at me, before leaning down and kissing my neck again. I hit him harder this time in the ribs, but he acted like he didn't feel anything, and carried on with what he was doing.

Okay, now I definitely regret breaking that kiss to take this stupid phone call.

"Yeah. You know, I just wanted to apologize for earlier. I know this wasn't how you intended on getting Stefan back, especially after what Damon's mother put you guys through after she faked her death. There probably isn't anything I could do, or say to you to get you to forgive me..."

Was she still talking?

Because whatever it is she just said, kind of went in one ear and out the other.

Mostly due to me finding it increasingly difficult to pay attention, considering I could feel Kai's hot breath on my neck as he continued to kiss it. At one point, I felt him open his mouth the merest bit to place his tongue against my skin, making me instantly shudder.

"Elena, I don't agree with what you're doing, but if —" Kai started trailing his fingertips lightly along my sides, tilting his head to get a better angle. "— if it means getting my little brother back, then I guess I have no choice, but to let you do this."

"Does this mean we're still friends?" she asked.

"Mhm," I mumbled as Kai brought our bodies closer together.

"Great. So if you hear from Kai, you'll let us know?"

"Absolutely," I told her. hanging up the phone and throwing it to the side of the bed, watching Kai lift his head up, "not." I finished before grabbing his face with my hands to give him a sweet kiss, pecking his lips a few times after.

"Who was that?" he wondered, running his thumb along my jawline.

I shook my head, "Nobody important."

I guess there's no harm in letting Stefan have one humanity-free day. I mean, it's one day. How much damage could he do to the world in one day?

And then I remembered when I turned my humanity off. It was the worst.

I was the worst.

I terrorized many cities, piled up so many bodies. Most of which with Damon, I might add. He didn't force me to flip my switch, he found me that way. It wasn't fun. Okay, maybe at the time it was fun, but I'm not proud of it.

A vampire without emotions is a ruthless killing machine. And I'm guilty of being that person way too many times. It wasn't even because I was going through a tough time, or because I was depressed. I just got bored with life, so I found an alternative outlet to let loose and have some fun.

"Janelle, what's got you so quiet?" Kai questioned as I closed my eyes for a second.

"Just thinking," I informed him.

"Thinking about what?"

"How miserable my life was as a vampire," I told him calmly, making Kai frown. "I can't believe people think you're a heartless killer when they don't even know half the things I've done."

"I'm sure you weren't that bad," he said.

"Are you willing to bet your life on that?" I asked.

"Yes, actually, I am," Kai replied, confidently. "Because those people didn't take the time to see that you're the sweetest, most down to earth, loving person that there is. Those people didn't take the time to know you."

The heat rose in my cheeks as I tucked some hair behind my ear. "Oh, no, keep it coming. You're on a roll," I smirked.

Kai chuckled, showing off the dimples that I loved so much. "Let's see... you're smart."

"Yeah." I nodded.

"You're funny."

"Mhm."

"You're incredibly beautiful." Okay, now he's just being cute. "Oh, and you can whip up a mean pot roast."

I giggled, lightly hitting Kai on his shoulder. "That's because my mother always taught me that the way to man's heart is through his stomach."

"Looks like she was right," he stroked the back of my hand with his thumb, making me look up at him in question, "because you've always had mine."

"You're really pushing for me to make that phone call to Elijah, aren't you?"

Kai nodded his head, eagerly. "Is it working?"

"Just a bit," I kissed his cheek.

I snuggled up into Kai's arms, resting my head on his chest as we laid on my bed, just enjoying each other's company. Kai put his chin on my head, running his fingertips over my back with his free hand that's wrapped around me. I could lay like this forever.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I sighed blissfully.

"Why didn't you tell me you were a vampire? I mean, I told you I was a witch. Sorta — minus the whole no magic part."

That's actually a question I've been wondering myself. Why didn't I tell Kai?

"I don't know. I kinda figured I just... didn't want you to see me as some blood-sucking monster you went to school with," I replied. "I mean, I never liked being a vampire. I guess a part of me thought I would scare you off if I told you the truth."

Kai squeezed my hand, "You wouldn't have scared me off."

"Yeah, I know that. But I don't think 18 years ago, I did," I confessed, pursing my lips. "And if we really were that serious about each other — you know, starting a life together, having a family — I probably didn't want to disappoint you knowing that, back then, I would've never been able to give you that."

I wish I had a straight answer for Kai, but I don't. I don't know why I chose not to tell him. Or why I kept it a secret our entire relationship. I mean, if I wouldn't have judged him for his mistakes, what made me think he would judge me for mine?

It's all really complicated, and it's driving me crazy that I'm basically missing a big chunk of my life. I know Elijah's only a phone call away, but if I were to take my memories back, that would mean meeting him face to face to do so. Which also meant I would have to go out to New Orleans and see Klaus, and that's exactly what I want to avoid.

Yes, I told him I would always love him, and I will, but it's too soon for me to see him. Our breakup is still freshly new, and he would know why I was there. He would know that I left him for Kai and it would crush him.

He's got enough problems as it is and I don't wanna add to them, or open up any old wounds. I still think the both of us need time.

Oh, screw it. I'm the one who needs time. I'm just too afraid to admit it.

All right, enough about Klaus. Right now I want to continue on moving past that relationship. And I shall do just that by focusing on what's right in front of me.

Which was Kai — who, I just now noticed, looked really hot in that jacket he was wearing. But he'd look even hotter with it off.

I pushed myself up and turned over to face Kai. I threw my leg over his body, straddling him. He tugged his bottom lip between his teeth, placing his hands on my hips. "Whatcha doing there?"

"Kissing you," I smirked as I slowly brought my lips down to his, kissing him passionately. I felt Kai grin as he pulled me even more into him.

Sadly, the jacket had to go because it was too much fabric he had on for my liking. Doesn't mean I won't steal it and keep it for later. My kisses trailed down to just below his ear and to his neck, making Kai release a low grunt.

As much as I enjoyed being the one in control when it came to intimate times like this, that didn't stop me from letting Kai take over when he flipped us around so he could be on top. Kai reattached his lips with mine, trying to keep the kiss nice and soft. But I wasn't having that, so I pushed slightly on his chest to take off his shirt. And then soon, I was removing mine to throw it next to his on the floor.

"Janelle," Kai breathed, tracing a light pattern over my hip bone, making me shiver. "Are you sure?"

I giggled, "I swear this was the very thing you were trying to do like five minutes ago."

"Well, yeah. But I don't want you to thi —"

"Shh," I hushed him, combing my fingers through his hair with a small smile. "You talk way too damn much."

So much for that whole 'giving up on love' plan.