~ Lovely ~ Billie Eilish ft Khalid

*

A WEEK LATER

The hooves our horses bound into land of Wall Maria, parting ways into separate squads allowing ourselves to get better coverage to where the titans whereabouts. Hands tightening around my reigns, my eyes glance over to see the rookies that only were taken from Trost district to be forced against their will. I hung my head in shame, whilst guiding my small squad away  signalling to move south.

"Lena......keep out a keen eye," I sternly say, knowing that this is bigger than any normal mission we've bypassed.

"Right,"

"Renji, please focus......okay?" I turn to see him spacing out, looking rather ragged and exhausted. "Renji?"

He shook his head, knocking himself from his trance.

"Huh? Yeah, yeah......"

I know it's been months since we lost our mother and sister, but now I have him which is all I have left. The painful and hard thing was trying to maintain our relationship, checking in on him and making sure he's eating properly. However he hasn't spoken to me about how's he's feeling, hoping that once we're done with this mission, I will confront him.

"Titan ahead, three metre!"

Being alerted, another titan bounds it's way out from the giant forest nearby. "Lena, fire the red flare!"

Her stern brown eyes blink, while nodding rummaging through her pocket before sending off a piercing crack. The smoke fills the air, but something felt off. This uncertainty and nerve wracking feeling was sending me on edge, trying to compose myself easing into our main job.

*

{30 Min ago:.......}

"You want me to what?" I questioned, hands rested upon my hips. "Commander Erwin.........with all due respect, shouldn't we please leave the inexperienced out of this? This isn't right!"

He slams his hands against the desk, his eyes glaring dangerously my way.

"When I say we comply, we continue to run along with the plan!" He snapped, agitated as he was I knew I couldn't convince him any further. I knew that the royal government was behind this issue, but being the only one speaking up.....and a woman, they wouldn't allow my words to change their minds.

My body slightly flinched, while Levi stood beside me noticing my tiny reaction.

"What about me, am I going on with this mission?" Levi questioned, voice flat and nonchalant.

The Commander's steel blue eyes angle Levi's way, before resting back in his chair with a heavy sigh.

"Yes, you will be joining with this mission as your last day with Akira,"

My eyes slowly widened, "What do you mean, last day?"

Did something happen? Did Levi do something to make him leave my squad? Whatever it is, he better have a good reason as to why he's not gonna join me anymore.

"Levi will be forming his own squad, your squad is a lost cause now," Erwin replied, making my hands ball into tight fists. Resisting the urge to snap, I inhaled deeply calming down. "Your team has been down to two men already, you've lost a lot already......beside we're not receiving more men lately, so if your comrades die on this fated mission.......you will not lead a squad again."

"Bu---"

Levi shook his head, "Hold on, let me get this straight..." interjecting himself, into the conversation. "You want me to lead my own squad.....and you sit here allowing this to happen while she loses her own squad......what about her position?"

The Commander's eyes drifts upon me, while many questions overwhelmed my mind. What was I meant to do? I can't think the horrible and twisted fates of my last two comrades......and Levi has always been apart of it for a long time. I couldn't imagine him leaving my group, but then again......Erwin always has a bone to pick with me.

"That will be things we shall discuss later, right now you must head to the gates of Trost," dodging the question, my feet wouldn't budge from my spot.

"Commander Erwin.......I will try my best," I saluted him, seeing a blunt gaze from his own.

Levi sighed heavily before latching his hand around my wrist, tugging me back almost losing my balance backwards. Without another word, Levi understood the heavy tension that settles between the Commander and I. He knew what to do, to ease the tension continuing to pull me outside to the streets to collect our horses on the side.

"I see what you mean," he muttered, while adjusting the reigns before hoisting himself upon his dark brown mare. "But.......all you can really do is follow orders......tch, still........he's still acting like a bastard."

A smile stifled behind my pursed lips, before allowing a small grin rest upon my face.

"You can't put it better than that," I agreed with him, hoisting my body up swinging my leg over allowing that leverage to grip on tight. Straightening myself more upright, we both exchange stern glances before heading off to the gates.

*

(Present.....:)

"Ten metre titan!"

"Wait, three more titans to the rear!!!'

"Wait! More titans are rushing this way!!!!"

My eyes dart around hearing multiple smoke flares clouding the sky, with several black and blue already. The heavy and thunderous footsteps continues to bound their way around, while our horses continued straight ahead trying to pinpoint a titan to take down.

"It's an ambush!!!!!!"

Gathering from a few squads not far from my own, blood curdling cries echoed in the distance. Bones crushing, and the screams echoing down the valley. The wind pounds against my ears, while trying to stay focused on our main objective.

"Draw blades!" I instruct my team, wth Lena, Renji and Levi gladly listening to my instructions.

Grazing against each other, the sound grinds heavily before they activate their ODM gear. Propping myself upon my horse on two feet, I activate my ODM gear flying towards a few near the giant forest. Raising my hands I roar out, feeling rage sinking back into my withered heart. Blades slicing through the thick flesh, wth blood tainting the air for a moment before the beast hits the ground heavily.

Inhale sharply I activate my grappling hook backwards, before doing a flip to sharply attack the next titan that crept behind. Raising my body higher, I soon got that momentum before taking my strike with the fastest slice I could thrust against it. Hearing the sounds of my team doing their part, we continue to take down as many as we could.

Time took it's course, allowing us to minimise the beasts. Yet our blades were completely ran out, with the oncoming enemy.

"Renji!!!!!!" I hear Lena cry out, only to see her body slammed into the ground harshly. My head snaps in the direction of her cries, alerting me to notice he wasn't near me. Levi on the other was just finishing up another kill, but his blades were at the brink on being shattered.

Shallow and laboured breaths leave my lips, while my eyes frantically search for my brother.

"W-Where did he--"

"Captain!!!" Lena calls out to me, seeing her body battered and bruised below the tree I stood upon. "Abnormal!!!!"

Suddenly something came jumping towards me, but i jump out of the way just barely. The titan's arms thrashes towards me, but I fly down towards Lena. Yet before I could make it towards her, a large hand held her up pulling her into the air.

"No, let go of me!!!!" She cries out.

Tightening my grip on my blades I went to stop the titan, before I hear Levi calling my name. Turning around slowly a large mouth stretches out, feeling like everything fell into slow motion. It's meaty maws salivate, smelling the stench of blood and rotten corpses in the pits of it's throat. My breath hitches in my throat, not reacting enough before hearing Lena's cries before falling silent.

This is a nightmare............I-I can't react.......my blades.....no more.....

It's mouth encased around me, feeling it's jaws chopping down upon my body. My boots scraped against his wet tongue, with hands release my blades pressing above holding it's mouth above me. Struggling beneath it's strong jaw, my teeth were clenched tightly.

"Captain!!!!!!" Lena screams out, in dismay.

My hair hung over my eyes messily while trying to maintain control within it's mouth, with nothing but to hope. Muscles strain in my shoulders and biceps against the roof of it's mouth, the stench overwhelming and toxicating finding it difficult to breath. Sweat aligns from the heat inside, and my struggles.

Groaning while struggling, I try to stay calm.

Suddenly someone striked the titan on the outside, causing it's jaws to loosen spitting me out. Feeling the fresh air hit me, I felt arms wrap around me catching me before colliding into the ground.

Squeezing my eyes tightly, I felt his grip around my waist tighten.

"You're alright," he assures me quietly, his voice warm and soothing which sent my chest fluttering. A warmth spreads within, before realising I almost lost my life.

Locking eyes with his slowly, he gives me a look of concern before reaching a branch. Placing me down gently hands lingering around my waist, my knees give way hitting the splintered wood. Gasping for air slowly, my mind soon clears after a few seconds while maintaining my energy.

"Thank you,"

"Tch......" his usual teeth click together. "......we need to find Renji, he's no where near us...."

Come to think of it, he never strays away from us......but this is the titan forest....

I couldn't help but feel unsettled by this, instantly pushing myself up quickly.

The air grew more thick, feeling like something isn't right. Running without warning I jump off activating my ODM gear, flying through the thick growth of trees. Titans coming in different directions, but I focus on my main objective, in finding Renji.

"Renji!!!!!"

Someone appears beside me, seeing Lena join me.

"Renji!" She calls out, seeing how battered she already was.

We continued calling out for him, when a large hand smacks us causing ourselves to collide into the earth before us. This time my ODM had enough, before the bits shattered and dent heavily while I rolled over a few times before being sprawled against the grass. Tears prick at the corners of my eyes, feeling the metal dig into my side.

"Gah...goddammit!" I yell angrily, punching the earth in anger.

My eyes frantically turn to see Lena doing alright, her ODM gear almost had it with being smacked to the ground already. She clutches her abdomen, while her eyes soon lift up watching in sudden fear.

"C-Captain....." her voice shudders, feeling a large shadow loom over us both.

My head slowly lifts seeing a twenty metre titan greeting us, with it's large hand extending down to take it's prey. Untying my broken gear, I throw it to the side jumping away from the beasts hand.

"Lena, find Levi now!"

Her eyes widen in horror from my order, "Bu--"

"I know it's ridiculous, bu--" before I could finish my sentence, a loud voice roars before hearing the sound of blades clashing into the titan. ".....Renji....."

His blades were dull too, but he still tried using them against the beast. It's heavy feet stumble back from the abrupt attack, allowing me to try and get a headstart to run.

The sounds of bellowing, and heavy footsteps left me vulnerable. Not long, a five metre titan was running after me, making me pick up my pace. Trying to find options that came aimlessly, but to call for my horse.

Pursing my lips against my thumb and middle finger, I sent out a high pitch whistle.

Struggling to get a pitch whilst running, I could feel it getting closer and closer. I couldn't allow myself to die here, nor let myself be weakened by doubt. I must prove to Erwin, to make him believe in me. With a tree in view I pick up my pace faster while my hand swipes a smaller blade from my thigh pocket, before running up the tree pushing off, I backflip over the titan.

My small blade slices right through the flesh of the titan, but not deep enough to end it's life.

The heavy hooves I could hear within a few metres were now beneath me, reaching down I clasp my hands tightly around her reigns. My body roughly lands almost sliding off my horse, before adjusting myself. My breath soon catches up, gasping for air while flicking the reigns to pick up the pace to head back to find Lena.

Finally coming to a clearing not far from me, I had to pull the reins before seeing a sight I never would imagine. His eyes glance into mine, as panic rises. A lump forms in my throat, making me swallow thickly.

"R-Renji.......h-hey Renji!!!" I call out, my voice raising higher. "Lena, please help?!"

She tries to activate her ODM gear, but it let out a unsettling sound. Her eyes widen while trying to activate it, realising it must've been busted from earlier.

"Shit!!!"

Turning back to see Renji holding the jaws of the titan wide open, his face was contorted with pain struggling beneath it's hold. Growling under my breath, I flick my reigns riding towards the beast. Whipping out my blade, I frantically try slicing it's achilles with all I had left. Yet the titan didn't react, but tightened it's jaws instead.

"Levi!!!"

My eyes lift up to see Levi flying in about to grab Renji, but as my eyes see Renji's face........there was something off with my brother's eyes. It was like........

He was accepting his own fate.........

"No, no Renji.......don't do this?!" I plead, while I try to at least cut the beast. Refusing to believe he would do such a thing. Levi grunts in response struggling to grab my brother without being devoured himself. Overwhelming and incomprehensible it was, Renji looks down.

He parts his lips, mouthing....

"I'm......sorry," he whispers, when the jaws clamp down seeing something fly. Blood showers down, while I sat there wide eyed. My mind soon felt fuzzy, feeling shock run through my body without comprehension.

Blood showers upon me, making me lift my head up.

Huh? W-What......what just happened? Is this...........whose blood............

His journal lands onto the ground not far from me, while his blood staining the grass.

Levi soon takes it upon himself to end the beasts life, before flying down towards me. My heart sank in response, feeling everything start to feel numbness creeping through reaching my fingertips. Muttering beneath my breath, I jump off my horse slowly walking towards the titan. Hot steam emits in the air, while I try to refuse to believe he's gone...

"R-Renji......come out...........y-you're not swallowed.....r-right?" I waver, refusing to believe he's dead. It's just can't be. 

My legs pick up the pace about to reach him, but the titans mouth remained closed.

Suddenly heavy footsteps were charging in our direction, but I refused to move. No.....my legs couldn't move, the utter shock still sinking in my mind. Arms soon wrap around me, pulling back.

"Come on, we've got to go!" Levi hisses, while sternly ordering me.

Shaking my head, I couldn't allow myself to leave my brother.

"I promised her, I promised her I will protect him," My voice wavers, but he continues to pull me away from him.

The sounds of our enemy closing in, while all I could think about was how I've broken a death will of mother's dying breath. Thrashing against his hold, he yanks me back with force.

"We have to retreat!" he snaps angrily, while tears start streaming down.

"No, I can't leave him!!!!" I cry out, the pain and anguish straining my throat. "He's my baby brother, I promised.....I-I....."

Levi pulls me strongly into his arms, before activating his ODM gear flying from the scene. My arms automatically latch around his neck, settling against his back trying to balance ourselves.

"Lena, hop on Akira's horse!" Levi instructs her, hearing a grunt in response.

My hands were trembling around his collarbone, slowly burying my face into his neck. Refusing to believe he's gone, I try closing my eyes to allow myself to think it's a dream.....no....just a nightmare......

"A green signal was fired, we're retreating," informing me, I remain quiet allowing to know to follow orders by those smoke signals. Regret settles in, anger, sadness....pain. Biting my bottom lip, I allow him to continue heading to retreat back to Trost.

*

BACK AT HEADQUARTERS

"Many lives were lost Commander," a soldier stood before Erwin, with Levi and I standing beside him. "The inexperienced soldier's were reduced, so now famine won't be hard upon Trost....for now."

Erwin nods with an approving glance, but a distant solemn emotion flickers within the Commander's eyes.

"You may be dismissed,"

Saluting with fists against his chest, he lifts his chin up before turning on his heel. Opening the large wooden door, he slams it shut leaving the room utterly and completely silent. My body was completely numb, my face unreadable and my lips curved down with a distant look.

"I'm sorry.......Akira...." his stern and broad tone, breaks the heavy silence. "Another plan of ours has failed..........and those lives......were vain......."

"Tch, don't speak to her anymore.......she's......" Levi's voice trails, feeling his eyes glancing my way. A heavy sigh leaves his lips, ".....unable to speak right now......."

Erwin's eyes were boring into my own soul, unfazed that my body was drenched in my own brother's blood. My head was blank, my body numb and my throat dry and raspy.

"I see........well, once you recover........I will speak with you alone," Erwin informs me, knowing I didn't have to reply. Nodding quietly, I give him a lazy salute before walking out without another word. My feet drag against the stone hallway, my body felt like a huge weight is holding me down.

The pain......despair......grief..........denial........was unbearable.......

Nothing crossed my mind except my brother, and the broken promise that I swore from mother's dying breath. I knew he was strong, but I never understood why he died so easily. Returning to the barracks, I decided to clear up his belongings. It wasn't long before arriving to the door leading to his shared room, inhaling slowly before exhaling. The door creaks open while gripping the door knob a little too tight, pushing it open.

The light bursts through the window pane, the light coaxes the room with a warm glow.

My eyes land upon his bed, seeing it was nicely made and pressed out. His second pair of boots were neatly aligned at the end of the mattress, while his books were neatly piled to the side. Shuffling over to the books, I bend down picking them up along with a small box. About to grab his boots, the books overflow from my arms and the pages fluttered wide open.

"Dammit," bending down about to grab it, my eyes caught sight of a date at the corner.

The year and date it was written, was written at the corner of the page. The pages were pressed thinly, but his handwriting was neat and clear. Was this his journal? Was this his way of venting? Secrets? Thoughts? Peeling the pages to the most recent one, my eyes scan the page briefly only to see the very reason why he's no longer with me. In shock I fall upon his freshly made bed, my eyes slowly widening in response.

~~~

To Myself.......or whoever reads this....                 
Year 846

The same day as every other day, but then again who knows if what I do makes any difference. Things haven't been great between my big sister and