when i finally step out of the bathroom, ellie's sitting on her bed, her back against the headboard, flipping idly through a comic book. she barely glances up when i walk in, but i see the way her eyes flick over me, just for a second, before she looks back down.

"thought you drowned in there," she says, smirking.

i just huff, running a towel through my hair as i sit on the edge of the bed.

ellie's smirk falters, just a little. "you good?"

i hesitate for half a second too long, then nod. "yeah. just... tired."

ellie watches me, the comic book long forgotten. "yeah?" she asks. "that why you look like someone just told you santa isn't real?"

"first of all, he is real," i say, deadpan. "he just doesn't visit gay people."

ellie snorts, shaking her head. "damn. guess we're both getting coal this year."

i smile, but then sigh, stretching out on my bed. "it's almost christmas."

ellie blinks. "huh. guess it is."

"you guess?" i turn my head to look at her, incredulous. "ellie, christmas is, like, the best holiday."

she smirks. "yeah? what's so great about it?"

i scoff. "what's not great about it? the lights, the music, the presents, the cookies, the snow—"

"we live in snow."

"yeah, but it's, like, festive snow."

ellie snickers. "you really love christmas, huh?"

i nod, grinning. "i love it. when i was a kid, my mom and i used to bake cookies on christmas eve and leave some out. i knew santa wasn't real, but she'd act all surprised in the morning when they were gone."

ellie is quiet for a second, then says, "sounds nice."

it was. but i don't say that. instead, i sigh dramatically. "but now i'm stuck in a house with someone who clearly has zero holiday spirit."

ellie gasps, clutching her chest. "excuse me? you don't know that."

"oh yeah? name one christmas tradition you've done."

she opens her mouth, then closes it. "...does drinking count?"

i snort. "no."

she groans. "okay, fine. maybe i don't do the whole christmas thing." she rolls onto her side, propping herself up on her elbow. "but, like, if you want cookies or some shit, i'm sure maria has a stash."

i narrow my eyes. "you just said you have no christmas spirit. why the sudden generosity?"

she shrugs, a lopsided grin tugging at her lips. "maybe i just wanna see you stuff your pretty face with cookies."

i roll my eyes, but my face is warm. "you're an idiot."

"yep," she says, popping the 'p.' "an idiot who's about to kick your ass in our annual snowball fight tomorrow."

i scoff. "please. you'd lose so fast."

ellie raises a brow. "oh, it's on now."

"good luck," i tease. "i'm basically a professional."

"oh yeah?"

"yeah."

ellie hums, like she's considering that, then—without warning—grabs the pillow from behind her head and chucks it at me.

it smacks me right in the face.

i gasp, dramatic. "oh, you're dead."

ellie barely has time to laugh before i grab my own pillow and launch it at her. she yelps, swatting at it, but i don't stop there. i grab another one and dive out of my bed, swinging.

"you psycho!" she cackles, trying to fend me off, but she's laughing too hard to put up much of a fight.

somehow, in the chaos, i end up half on top of her, both of us breathless, tangled in blankets and pillows. ellie's still laughing, her hand gripping my wrist to stop me from hitting her again.

"truce," she breathes, grinning.

i pause, still hovering over her, my own smile lingering. "...truce."

but neither of us move.

ellie's looking at me, her hand still around my wrist, and i can feel my heart pounding, but i don't pull away. i don't want to pull away.

without thinking, i let myself collapse over, finally settling next to her, my body curving just slightly so that we're facing each other. i rest my head on the pillow, my hand gently draped over the side, fingertips grazing the edge of the blanket.

ellie's eyes meet mine, her expression softer than it's been all day. she doesn't say anything at first—just watches me, the corners of her mouth lifting ever so slightly. and for a second, i forget about everything else, just focusing on the warmth between us.

"you good?" she asks, her voice low, steady.

i take a deep breath, eyes tracing the outline of her face. "yeah, just... thinking."

"about what?" she asks, her voice genuine, like she's actually curious.

"about... a lot of things," i say, feeling the need to be honest, but not wanting to go too deep into it. "i just miss feeling like i'm actually living sometimes, you know?"

ellie's brow furrows slightly, her hand moving to rest gently on the blanket next to mine. it's an unspoken invitation, and i take it without thinking, my fingers brushing against hers. "what do you mean by that?"

"like..." i pause, trying to piece it together. "it feels like we're always in survival mode. every day's a fight for something. a fight to stay alive, to hold onto something, anything that makes sense. but... when was the last time we just lived, ellie? without worrying about the next danger or the next fight?"

her expression softens, and she shifts, closing the space just a little. "yeah... i get it. sometimes i forget what it's like, too. it's easy to get lost in all the bad shit."

"it is," i agree, my voice quieter now. "but... sometimes i wonder if we're meant to just keep going through this, or if there's something else out there waiting for us."

ellie stays silent for a moment, her eyes still on mine. "i don't know. i think... i think we're all just trying to find something that feels right, something to make it all make sense. maybe we just have to make it ourselves."

without really thinking about it, i shift, letting my head move so it's resting gently on ellie's chest. the steady rhythm of her heartbeat fills my ears, grounding me, reminding me of the warmth between us. her arms instinctively wrap around me, not tight, just enough to pull me a little closer.

ellie stays silent for a moment longer, her hand gently brushing through my hair, her thumb running over my temple in slow, soothing motions. i feel her breath, steady against my skin. then, in the quietest voice, almost like she's still figuring out if it's okay to say, she murmurs, "you know, leilani... you're the only thing that makes sense to me."

i lift my head slightly, looking up at her. her eyes are soft, searching mine, like she's waiting for me to say something.

i take a breath, my voice barely above a whisper, "you're the only thing that makes sense to me too," the words leave my lips without thinking, the truth of them settling in my chest like something too important to ignore.

ellie's gaze softens even more, and for a brief moment, the world outside us disappears completely. i feel her hand gently move to rest at the back of my head, fingers threading through my hair in a slow, comforting motion.

my eyes flutter, the quiet calmness of the moment pulling me deeper into sleep. i let my body relax into her, my chest rising and falling in time with hers, my breath growing slower.

ellie doesn't say anything more. she just watches me, her hand never leaving my hair, until, with a tenderness i've never quite known from her before, she presses a soft kiss to my forehead. it's gentle, warm, and full of unspoken things.

i smile faintly as sleep finally takes over me, the sound of her heartbeat still in my ears, and the warmth of her embrace all around me.