—010.

Shimizu groggily opened his eyes, rubbing the crust from the corners as he yawned. He tried sitting up but was stopped by the weight on his side. Confused, he put on his glasses to see Nishinoya on his left, the smaller legs wrapped around his left calf, and his head on his chest.

His hair was untamed and soft snores made their way to his ears.

A small smile crept onto his face the longer he stared. Shino-san looked peaceful when he slept. He had a small scar on his eyelid and calloused hands from volleyball.

Y/N tried to slip from the other's grasp, making him cling tighter. ".. Mimi? You're leaving...?"

"...n-no– well, y-yes, I h-have to prepare breakfast, a-and shower b-before everyone wakes up..."

Sloppily, Yuu shook his head. "..don't leave– need you t'sleep..."

"...y-you can use my pillow if you w-want..."

"Noooooo," Yuu whines, "It's not you– I want you, Mimi..."

Oh.

An inexplicable lump forms in his throat as memories of dinner flash through his mind. The words shouldn't affect him the way they do; he should know Yuu would rather date his sister. He's not stupid, but it still hurts.

Knowing that Yuu would only say these things because he's sleepy or because he's the male version of his sister, hurts.

He pries Nishinoya's hands off, to the other's dismay, and sits up. "...s-sorry S-Shino-san, p-please sleep without me." Y/N stammers as he hastily grabs his bathroom essentials from his bag and rushes out of the room.

It's his fault— he must've misinterpreted his feelings because Yuu was the first to touch him without causing his body to flare. Now that he's kissed him, called him cute in his head, and held his hand, he'll never get over the useless 'crush', because the person he likes is too invested in his sister to give him the light of day.

He knew it would happen, expected it even, but he didn't know it would feel this bad. Nishinoya isn't that close to him, they've barely known one another a week, yet his heart won't stop yearning— deluding itself for someone it cannot have.

Thinking about it from that perspective makes him feel worse like he's using Nishinoya for selfish needs, but he can't help it.

Not when Nishinoya looks at him with pure tenderness in his eyes.

Not when Nishinoya calls him handsome.

Not when Nishinoya holds his hand and calls him "Mimi" in that sweet, syrupy tone that makes his tummy flutter.

Not when Nishinoya goes out of his way to lower his volume whenever he's around because he remembered his low tolerance for loud noises.

Not when Nishinoya acts the way he does because he's Shimizu's friend.

A selfish and stupid part of him wants them to be more than friends. Bokuto-san doesn't look at him like he's perfect, Tooru-san doesn't overcompensate himself in making sure Shimizu is comfortable in every situation, Tanaka-san, Ennoshita-san, and Kinoshita-san don't sit in silence and take in his features because he's 'beautiful'.

But Nishinoya-san does.

He does so many things things that his other friends don't do, and it sends his heart into a loop because Nishinoya-san is in love with his sister. Knowing him, he's been in love with his sister since they met.

'What if Nisnoya-san only does those things because Kiyoko talks about Tanaka-san at home?'

What if Nishinoya-san saw him as a replacement?

The thought sends a shiver down his spine as his vision glazes. He sits with his back pressed against the washroom door as a quiet sob escapes his throat. What if that was all he was? A replacement for his sister, something to take her place because they looked the same.

They shared the same last name, had similar features, and both had the so-called 'goddess aura'— even though Y/N was a boy.

He muted his cries in his clothes, mind swirling with unsavory thoughts of Nishinoya-san discarding him as soon as Kiyoko was available.

What a way to start his morning.

-:-

Breakfast went by with no issue as Shimizu excused himself to eat outside under the premise of it being too loud in the dining hall. He pretended not to notice Nishinoya-san's worried stare when he walked out, wiping the burn from his bloodshot eyes as the doors closed behind him.

He pretended it was allergies when Kinoshita-san asked him if anything was wrong.

He pretended everything was okay because it would be. If it made Nishinoya-san happy to use him as a stand-in for his sister, that's fine.

As long as his friend was happy, he'd be happy too.

...

The players went on a run after breakfast, leaving Daichi-senpai in charge when Takeda-sensai and Ukai-san went to run errands.

Y/N decided to read in the dining hall, blocking out the rest of the world with his headphones.

His peace lasted for twenty minutes and sixteen seconds.

Kiyoko sat in the seat across from him, a frown on her face as she stared. Confusedly, he paused his music and set his headphones on his shoulders. "...y-yes?"

"What happened? Don't sit there and tell me it's nothing or 'allergies' because we both know it isn't."

Wow, straight to the point.

Shimizu marked the page he was on and placed the book down. "...n-nothing happened. I j-just had a nightmare this m-morning, and it s-shook me up."

Her gaze turned into a glare. "If it were a nightmare, you would've told me. That was our promise, and you don't break promises so what is it?"

"...I-It was j-just a n-night—"

"Y/N, someone called me this morning saying you were crying in the bathroom. Please, don't lie to me."

His eyes widened as his mouth closed. Was someone awake? Someone told her? He can't tell her the actual reason, she'll get mad at Nishinoya-san and the team will stop hanging out with him because he's a crybaby– then he'll have to stop hanging out with them, then he'll be all alone so he'd have to move to Tokyo, but Nurse — is there and she'll grope him and make him relive those horrible memories—

"Y/N, breathe." Kiyoko reached out to rub her brother's shoulder but stopped once she noticed his stiff frame like he was trying to make himself smaller.

Guilt swelled through her body as she bit her lip. Maybe it was just a bad nightmare and she caused him to remember.

Some big sister she is.

Pushing those thoughts aside, she gently shifted her hand close enough so their fingernails were touching. Kiyoko thrummed her nails against the table and began humming Les Toreadors, one of her brother's favorite piano pieces.

Midway through the song, her brother wetly sniffed, wiping his eyes as tears overflowed. "Y/N? Sweet, what's wrong?"

Through hiccups and sobs, he told his sister everything. About their hang-out weeks prior, their cuddling session the night before, and what happened that morning.

Even if it made his chest lighter, the lingering feeling of selfishness is still there. He shouldn't have to bother his sister with his fruitless problems. He knew what would happen, and foolishly let himself believe Nishinoya-san would be different.

Yet here he is. Crying over someone he knew he couldn't have.

"You phrase it like you know Nishinoya-kun is using you, but I don't think that's the case." Kiyoko started, gently picking the right words to say. "Even though we look alike, we're still our own people. I know how Tanaka-kun acts around me, but I think Nishinoya-kun does it so he can be with his best friend. I've known him for two years and can say with certainty that he does not see you as another counterpart he can fawn over, and will not discard you."

"Nishinoya-kun wears his heart on his sleeve, and a reliable source told me he's infatuated with you. You aren't the male version of me, and you aren't a good-looking object for people to ogle and rank like you're displayed. You're your own person, Y/N. Please, give yourself the benefit of the doubt and try to build your self-confidence."

She kisses the crown of his head. "I know it can be uncomfortable to have all eyes on you the second you walk into a room, and if you complain people will say you're 'attention-seeking' because you're the beauty standard. People will act like you don't have insecurities just because you're the resident 'pretty person' on campus."

Kiyoko pauses, taking a deep breath before continuing. "It took me a long time to understand that people will look, no matter what I do to change it. Maybe I've become desensitized to it, but it doesn't bother me anymore. You have to believe that Nishinoya-kun is so affectionate with you because he sees past your looks and who you really are. It's hard, I know, but I know my baby brother can do it because he's a strong, brave, and selfless person, who I love very much."

"...y-you think so?"

She smiles– the one that looks like a grin and her eyes are fierce. "I know so. Now let's get you washed up, okay?"

He sniffles and wearily smiles back. "...k-kay,"

-:-

During practice, Shimizu noticed the freckled first-year's worried glances whenever the other thought he wasn't paying attention.

It was bizarre.

When it was time for lunch, the boy cornered him in the equipment closet with a sheepish expression. "Um, Shimizu-senpai, right?"

He nodded.

"I don't mean to overstep, but um, I noticed you were... crying this morning? I don't know if it was my place, but I told Coach and he called your sister. You look better, but I wanted to know if e-everything was okay. Y-You don't have to tell me, we aren't close, but I was just worried." He stammered, a nervous pink tint on his freckles as he looked away.

Huh.

The first-years are all surprisingly cute.

"...I a-apologize, but I d-don't know your name..."

"Yamaguchi, but um, Tadashi is... fine..."

Extremely cute.

Shimizu tucked a hair behind his ear and smiled. "...t-thank you for w-worrying about me, Tadashi, b-but I'm okay now. I was j-just got o-overwhelmed with some p-personal issues."

Tadashi visibly relaxed. "That's nice to hear, Shimizu-senpai. Do you um... know where you get your bows from? It's just that they look really pretty, and I'd... like to try one on."

That... wasn't what he expected. He's never done anyone's hair other than Kiyoko's but it shouldn't hurt to try. She did say he needed to learn.

They exited the equipment closet, closing it behind them as they walked toward the training facility. "...t-they aren't actual bows, j-just ribbons tied into b-bows. I-If you want, I c-can do your hair after dinner."

His face brightened. "Really?"

Y/N hummed. "...y-your hair is a b-bit short, but I t-think I can make it work. What c-color do you want?"

"...uh, pink or white, if that's okay."

"...I-it's okay. I have to h-help Kiyoko prepare lunch, so I-I'll s-see you soon."

Tadashi waved, the pink on his cheeks more prominent than before. "Okay, bye Shimizu-senpai!"

...

Y/N took a shower after making dinner, relaxing in the hot water before the players returned from their nightly run. Jolts of excitement bounced off his body the longer he thought about doing Tadashi's hair.

He's always loved doing Kiyoko's, an intimate bonding moment between the two, but doing someone's hair who wasn't his family didn't make him as anxious as he thought. There were the 'please don't touch me or else I'll start crying' worries, but those were normal for everyone except Yuu and his sister so he wasn't alarmed by it.

Eventually, dinner ended and Tadashi was in front of his mirror with a weary expression. "That's um... a lot of ribbons, Shimizu-senpai."

He squeaked at the comment, looking over the array of colors before sheepishly nodding. "...I, um, l-like having options." He picked up a white and pink ribbon and placed it by Tadashi's head, switching between the two to see which fit better.

He decided to go with the white one and instructed the boy to face him. He formed the bow and placed a hair clip in the middle before clipping it to the side of his hair. "...d-does it look okay? I-I can switch the p-positions if you w-want me to..."

Yamaguchi stared at himself in the mirror, shaking his head experimentally before smiling. "It looks pretty, Shimizu-senpai, thank you."

Before Shimizu could reply, Ennoshita-san, Kinoshita-san, and Tanaka-san walked into the room. "Woah," Tanaka-san started. "Nice bow, Yamaguchi! Wait– you should do mine too, Little Shimizu!"

"Hey man, I'm going to be nice when I say this, but there's no hair for him to put the bow on," Kinoshita said with a nasal tone, causing Tanaka-san to flip him off.

Ennoshita-san ignored the chaos behind him and smiled gently. "It does look nice, would you mind putting a bow on me?"

Y/N's face shined. "...o-of course! T-Tadashi, i-if you c-could—"

"Yeah, no worries! I have to show Tsukki anyway; thanks again, Shimizu-senpai!" Ennoshita-san takes his place and requests the light brown bow.

As he did with Yamaguchi, he made the bow, put a hair clip in the middle, and placed it on the side of Ennoshita-san's head. If his hair were longer, he would've done it the way he was used to, but side bows are something he needs more practice with.

"You look a lot nicer with a bow on," Tanaka-san commented.

"Yeah, I look good. Sucks you're bald though."

"HEY! I JUST COMPLIMENTED YOU!"

"Oh, sorry, sucks you're bald, hugs and kisses."

Kinoshita-san bumped Ennoshita-san out of the way and sat in position. "Could you do beige for me? Oh, and do it on the opposite side of Chikara's."

By the time he was done, Shoyou and Tobio fought each other to get through the door, begging Shimizu to give them bows too.

It was a good thing he brought too many ribbons.

He gave white to Tobio, black to Shoyou, purple to Daichi-senpai, white to Sugawara-senpai, brown to Azumane-senpai, and pastel yellow on Tanaka-san's wrist because he felt left out.

"Yamaguchi, stop fucking pushing me! I'm not getting the damn thing, just drop it!"

"Nope! You said you liked it, so you're gonna get it! Sorry, Tsukki!"

Tadashi pushed the first-year with glasses into the room with a bright smile. "Shimizu-senpai! Tsukki says he wants a green one!"

"No, I didn't—"

Sugawara-senpai cheered. "Yeah, get one too Tsukishima! It's a team bonding moment!"

"That guy isn't even part of the team—"

"Honorary member!" Daichi-senpai interrupted. "Do it!"

Soon enough, the team started to chant 'do it', pushing him towards Shimizu until his patience thinned. "Fucking– fine, just shut up!" He huffed and sat facing the mirror.

"...u-um, w-which color—"

"Green." Tsukishima cut him off with a scowl.

Shimizu pretended like it didn't bother him and nodded. His hair wasn't that long, probably the shortest out of the team– excluding Tanaka-san and the other bald second-year— so it was a bit of a struggle but nothing he couldn't handle.

Before putting the bow on, Shimizu asked: "...a-are you um, s-sure you want it? Y-You don't l-look comfortable s-so—"

"It's whatever. I wouldn't be sitting here if I didn't tolerate it. I'll take it off if it bothers me." Tsukishima states, staring at him through the mirror. "Are you just going to sit there?"

"...u-um, n-no, s-s-sorry, I-I'll s-start n-now..." He stammered, hastily clipping the bow in place as the hairs on his neck stood up. "...I-I u-um, h-have to— b-bathroom, e-excuse m-me."

Y/N sped-walk down the stairs and into the dining hall, trying to force his breathing to settle. He didn't know if Tsukishima was generally like that or was in a bad mood, but he didn't like it when people were mad at him or cut him off.

The more he feels an intense emotion, in this case, anxiety, the worse his stutters get. He already hated how he couldn't get a sentence out without tripping over his tongue, he didn't need to stammer over every word.

"Y/N? Are you okay?"

After spending the whole day without any interaction, the first time they talk is when he's bordering on an anxiety attack.

How fun.

He gulps thickly, wiping sweat off his brow and shakily nodding. "...y-yeah, um, I'm s-sorry if I was in the way..."

Yuu dismisses it with a wave. "Nah, I was just finishing the dishes, then you walked in and stayed in that spot for like, five minutes without noticing I was here so I got a bit worried."

Shimizu blanks. He's been here for five minutes? "...o-oh, I d-didn't notice... sorry, Yuu."

"Yeah, it's nothing, but uh... are we okay? You've kinda been... y'know, ignoring me the whole day. Not that there's anything wrong— well, yeah, there is— I was just wondering if I said something or crossed over a boundary without knowing."

"It's not you– I want you, Mimi..."

"I want you..."

Shimizu sniffs and shakes his head. "...n-no, n-nothing of the sort. W-well, you were c-clinging onto me t-this morning b-but it wasn't crossing a boundary– it felt... nice."

His words caused Shino-san's face to burn. Whether it was from embarrassment or because he was flustered, Shimizu couldn't tell. "Oh fuck, I'm so sorry! My old man said I act like I'm drunk when I'm sleepy, but I thought that stopped when I turned twelve— super sorry, Y/N!"

The boy fixed his glasses and shook his head. "...I-It's fine, Y-Yuu, I s-said it felt n-nice." He swallowed nervously before muttering, "...t-touching you a-a-always feels n-n-nice..."

Shino-san's expression blanks as his head explodes. "W-what?!" He exclaims, noticing his volume and coughing into his fist. "...I-I mean, I'm glad I can help you heal, Mimi."

'Take the first step Y/N, self-confidence, self-confidence, self-confidence—'

"...d-do you w-want to e-eat my m-music?"

'You're joking.'

"...what?"

Y/N violently shakes his head. "...n-no! I m-meant t-to a-ask if you w-wanted to l-listen to music w-with me– not e-eat it! That's so e-embarrassing..." He hides his face in his palms and groans. No one with self-confidence asks their maybe crush if he'd like to eat their music.

You can't even eat music!

"Don't hide your face, everyone makes mistakes! I'd eat your music too, but I wanna listen!" He experimentally poked Shimizu's hands before gently prying them away from his face, heart beating out of his chest at his expression.

Fuck, is he supposed to feel this way for his friend?

"...m-my h-headphones are on top the fridge, b-but only o-one of us can listen at a t-time," he mumbles, still feeling the after-effects of asking Shino-san to eat his music. It didn't matter if he said he would, the thought is still embarrassing.

Yuu blows a raspberry. "You didn't bring the earbuds? I wanted to listen with you, not I listen and you stare!"

"...w-well," Y/N starts, "— t-the earbuds are in my b-bag—"

"Aye aye, captain!"

He bolted out of the dining hall without Y/N telling him which bag he was referring to. He also wasn't a fan of others rummaging through his things because chances were they wouldn't leave things as organized as