𝟎𝟏𝟕, 𝗅𝖾𝗍𝗍𝗂𝗇' 𝗀𝗈
𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐈𝐍': 𝗀𝗂𝗋𝗅𝗌 𝖻𝗒 girl in red

𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐢'𝐬 𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰

I've never been a relationship girl, all my relationships ended just as quick as they started and I've always came to the conclusion that it was because of me. It was always something I did or said that made them realize I wasn't worth staying with or being there for.

That fear only followed me and was the only thing stopping from wanting to be in a committed relationship with Judea. I just didn't want her to want me one day and she leaves me the next.

I knew Judea wasn't like that and I knew she'll be able to handle all the bullshit that came with me because she's done it before when we were kids but then I got to be too much for her.

"You have been sitting here for thirty minutes and you only have thirty more minutes left which means you've wasted half of your session", my therapist informs me tapping her pen against her clipboard as she waits for me to speak.

Back at home in Georgia my ma put me into therapy during freshman year of high school and somehow all the way from Georgia she was still making sure I attended my appointments here at Southern Cal. It was one of the many conditions that allowed me to attend here.

I sighed as I shuffled in the white cushion seat, "what if I don't have anything to say?", I ask her and she shrugs her shoulders, "then that'll be fine but I'm positive you have something to say because I've seen you in your head about since you got here. Look mani, I can't force you to talk but it'll help if you do", she tells me.

To be honest, I was always stubborn when it came to this stuff. It was the thought of expressing myself to somebody but constantly feel like I'm becoming a bother but then again that's what therapist get paid for to listen to your feelings.

"I-I like this girl and she likes me and were best friends when we're kids but uh... we stopped. Recently we've became friends and then... we realize that we like each other ... a lot but I have this fear that's stopping me from being 100% committed", I speak for the first time in thirty minutes that wasn't some snarky comment.

Ms. Ann sits up in her set crossing her right leg over her left clearing her throat as she speaks to me, "and what's that fear?", she asks me.

"I-I just want us to do this and she realizes that I'm too much again", I admit. "We ended our friendship in the past because I became too much and I don't think I can go through that again", I say.

She hums, "Imani, don't take this the wrong way but you think about how everything can go wrong instead you forget about how everything can go right.", I look up at her. "This girl would you like to talk about her?", Ms. Ann offers nicely. I nod and she waves me on hinting me to talk.

"Her name is Judea, for so long since our friendship break up I've wanted to hate her for walking away but I can't... I... love her too much to hate her.", I fold my lips into a thin line a little worried to be confessing this a middle age woman that still dressed like she was in her 20s but it was better than holding it in.

She shuffles the clipboard in her hand, "I just don't know what to do... I don't want her to think I'm trying to avoid us because I'm not", I finish sitting back in the cushion chair.

"What do you think should do?", She asks me. My eyes roamed the room meeting eyes with the clock tapping me finger along with the rhythm of the ticks as I watch the time go by. Only fifteen more minutes left.

There's a silence before I trial my eyes back over at her, "is it okay if I leave early?", I ask. She flicks her wrist to check the time on watch before letting out a big huff. "you early you're still getting paid for the time you leave", she says.

I wonder what would my ma would think about making her pay these fifteen minutes that I don't want to attend but what she don't know won't hurt her. So I stand up from the chair throwing my tote bag onto my shoulders leaving without a goodbye.

Later on that day, Ju and I decided to face time each other when our day had settle down. We talked about our day and conversations became never ending.

She settled at her desk manspreading in the wooden hair with her arms folded over her chest as she listened to me yap responding with nods and hums to show she was paying attention.

"Sorry if I'm talking too much, Elijah is out on a date and I have nobody else to talk to", I trail and she shakes her head . "It's okay talk as much as you want", she waves me off.

A smile rises to my cheeks as I let out an okay and she smiles back at me. "You okay?", she asks me randomly. I nod softly, "You?", I return the question and she hums with a shrug.

"I mean yeah I'm okay but lately I've been in my head a little", she tells me. "About what?", I ask adjusting myself on my bed. She lets out a sigh and looks at me through the screen. "I feel bad for how I came off the other day and I wonder if that's the reason why you've been avoiding our lil situation lately and Mani I promise I didn't mean to come off like that", She says.

Ju sits up straight in her chair, "I know I said I can't wait for months but I can and I will if that's what you want. I want us both to be on the same page at all times", she tells me. I want to call her perfect because she is at least in my eyes, Ju was perfect.

"I want you Ju and I'm not avoiding us it's just I don't want this to happen and I fuck it up", I admit. Her eyes soften as she looks at me, "why would you fuck up?", she asks. I shrug, "I don't know I've just been in my head. I mean what if I become too much like last time and you leave", I tell her.

To have this conversation on the phone was a bit of a pussy move but it was easier for me to express my feelings for some reason. "You were never too much mani, and I'm sorry I made you feel like you were. I was an idiot for leaving you once but I promise you I'll never make that mistake again", she pleads.

My heart grows warm and if I'm being honest her words reassure me a bit. I smile at her and she returns the smile. "I don't want to wait months", I whisper softly into the phone. She raises eyebrows at me unfolding her arms from her chest.

"Huh, speak up", she taps the phone repeatedly itching for me to repeat myself. I laugh a bit, "I don't want to wait months... for us", I repeat with a clear and firm tone. Juju backs away from the phone with her a big smile on her face.

There's a silence as we just stare at each other, I had taken Ms. Ann words into reconsider feeling a guilty that I walked out on here and said bad things about her in my head.

I was thinking about everything could go wrong instead of it going right, at the end of the day not everyday was going to perfect but I was thankful to have days that were.

Everything was going to be okay because I had Judea here, I needed to get out my head and be present about us instead of thinking about hard past.

Maybe I wasn't a relationship girl but I'm sure as hell about to be.

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞
lateee post
& i d k if i like itttt