"NO NO NO NO! NYAAAAAA!"

in that whole black and without lights room, lay the blue ninja.. sitting on his bed trying to resume his regular breath

this lack touched him more than the others. or at least, he thought..

not even Kai was okay.. but he was slowly accepting to live with the constant feeling of guilt for letting go of his only true family... but he tried to distract himself with videogames, and sometimes with the others when he felt sociable enough

but to Jay.. this was impossible

he stood up from the bed only to go to the bathroom, but not much now since he was not eating or especially drinking anymore

His body was asking for help in all ways. but he kept ignoring it and his well-being, despite most of the time this made him vomit

and even if the others were trying to bring him food, he would never have accepted it

he was inside a huge black pit, where there was no ascent in any way

he had already tried to stay without nya.. although it was not for his choice.. but he had she with him anyway, even if they weren't engaged.. if she was happy... he was also happy

but this time she was not alongside him.. now she was the entire ocean.. and she could be happy even without him.. but he couldn't even be a little happy without her around

A sound out the door managed to distract Jay out of his dark thoughts

now he was accustomed

all his teammates were worried about him

but Jay didn't give any kind of answer

"Jay. I'm your brother-in-law Kai, remember?" he left a small but pushed giggle "i-i just wanted to know if you were hungry.."

Jay didn't respond

"come on Jay! open the door please.. I want to talk to you.."

still nothing

"alright.. as you want" he gave up like everyone else, snorting heavily in defeat" you know where to find us anyway" and so he was going away

returning to the living room, together with all the others, inevitably letting discover their feelings from the raw expressions

until..

"Kai" his voice sounded monotonous, almost transparent

"oh Jay!" the red ninja said happily "I'm so glad I can see you again!"

"what do you wanted to tell me?" Jay asked ignoring the happiness of his friend

"a-are you okay? zane made some good pancak-"

"Kai" his gaze still, waiting for the point of the conversation

"okay.." he surrendered "will you come this afternoon for the.. memorial for Nya?.."

"has-.. has a year already passed?.." Jay asked with his eyes burning with the new ready tears

"yeah.. several days have passed fast.." Kai sadly said

Jay instantly looked his body

he was almost a skeleton now

once his clothes were perfectly around his physique, but now he could dance in them. he needed a shower. his auburn hair, so much loved by her, were now messy. and he had only noticed now his poor red knuckles..

Was there motionless

he didn't even believe in what situation he was living

he couldn't even keep himself more standing

he just realized now how much he was dying inside.. but he couldn't do anything about it.. or rather he did not want to

he could never fight against this pain

and yet he was knowledgeable. the first time he had really lost Nya.. Nadakhan.. the discovery in having been abandoned by his true parents.. he was still able to go on with these

but she had always been something more

he had always been such a cheerful boy that he didn't break down from anything.. the more he grew, the more he knew the suffering that the world could give him

but this time it is as if the train of pain had made its terminus due to a brake failure, knowing that it would not leave soon

"Jay?"

he brought his eyes back to Kai, but could not clearly hear what he was trying to tell him

"do you feel good? you're like gone for a good minute"

Jay shook his head, completely resuming the connection of what was in front of him "y-yeah I'm okay.." a small frown covered his sapphire eyes

"you'll be there then?" Kai re-proposed, hoping for a positive response

"I don't know.." he just said, thus returning to that dark room

Kai remained there, in front of his door

he was disappointed, expecting completely another answer

but honestly..

they both knew

that Jay would be there