hi sweet bubsss! this chapter is pretty sad☹️ i just wanted to say though that i don't want to see ANY comments about how Y/n is dealing with the grief of what happened. i don't want anyone judging her decisions nor acting as if she's being "dramatic". please remember that she/you are a 14-15 year old who has just watched a boy die. who just witnessed voldemort first hand, and who doesn't know how to deal with emotions.

thank you and i hope you enjoy<333

Harry and I sat next to each other.

At dinner. At breakfast. In dark corridors. Outside. When crying. When sobbing. When choking on our own grief.

I didn't process anything Dumbledore was saying during the funeral. My eyes and brain were zoned out. They were empty. They were numb.

I had only cried once since it happened. I was in denial, and I knew it, but I couldn't help it. Nothing brought me any comfort. No one brought me any comfort.

It wasn't that no one was trying to provide me with comfort, it was that I was blocking it out. I was blocking everyone out. I didn't want people seeing nor knowing how I felt.

I get pitiful looks at least 15 times a day from students passing me in the corridors. I don't want their pity, I don't want their concern.

I was fine. By myself.

Everyone seemed to make me uncomfortable, except for Harry. They looked at me like they wanted to know. Their eyes practically begged me to tell them everything that happened. I hate it. I fucking hate it.

The only thing that I felt okay doing was laying in bed and staring at the blank ceiling. It reminded me of my feelings. Blank. Empty. Small scratches in areas. And quiet.

I don't think I've talked in 12 hours. I've been hidden away in my dorm, avoiding any human interaction.

Every time I left my dorm I'd immediately get a rush of nausea. It felt like I had shared enough vulnerability to last me a life time. Everyone knew. Everyone knew I had cried at least once. Everyone knew I was sad. Everyone knew I was there. Everyone knew at least a small amount of what I was feeling. I couldn't hide my feelings this time because everyone already knew them.

A single warm tear slowly slides down my cheek, like they always did. The occasional tears were like a reminder. A reminder I was human. A reminder I was sad.

My eyes focus up on the ceiling. Blank, empty, scratches, quiet.

I hear a light knock on the door, but I don't look nor tell the person they can come in. My eyes just stay focused on the only thing I liked looking at.

The door opens slowly, a faint scent of food filling my senses as Pansy walks in.

She sets a plate full of food down next to me, looking at me for a second before looking away.

"I'm not going to force you, but I think your body would appreciate at least a little food." She says softly, sitting down at the end of my bed.

A small sigh leaves me before I slowly sit up, still avoiding any eye contact.

"What time is it?" I mumble, my voice slightly hoarse from not talking for so long.

"Around 7:00 P.M." She responds, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

I nod slowly, staring down at the bed. "Thank you," I say, trying to show my large appreciation towards her caring for me.

"It's because I love you, alright? We all do, Y/n," She gives me a small smile before slowly getting up and leaving the dorm.

I inhale shakily, closing my eyes as two warm tears slide down my cheeks.

My head slowly turns back to look at the food, trying to ignore the anxiety immediately shuddering through my body. I haven't eaten in 24 hours. Nothing sounded remotely appetizing.

I'm human. Humans need food.

I exhale, scooting back on the bed before picking up the plate and setting it on my lap.

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Once I finished eating as much as I could without throwing up, I hurriedly made my way up to the only place I could think of that would bring me comfort.

It was our last night here before summer break, meaning it was my last chance to see this wonderful view before next year.

I don't even realize how quickly I go up the stairs until I'm up them within seconds. Clearly everything in me wanted this sense of calmness. Of comfort.

A loud exhale filled with some sort of relief leaves me right as I see the view. Quiet stars. Dark sky. Beautiful and calm noises.

I slowly walk to the edge, sitting so my legs were dangling off the side of the tower, the railing guarding me from falling.

Time seemed to be going by quickly but also painfully slow these last few days. The funeral seemed painfully slow. Everyone crying. The tight feeling in my throat the whole time. Sobs threatening to leave me.

Today was quicker, though. That was only because I had no concept of time. My brain couldn't process the concept of time anymore. It didn't make sense to me like it used to. I didn't feel time go by like I used to. I wanted to. I really wanted to feel something again.

The stars made sense though. They always did. I feel like I can depend on them. They are always there. They are always quiet. They are always comforting.

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I quickly pack my trunk the next morning, telling myself over and over that I'd be okay.

I sat with Pansy on the train, and only with Pansy. I was thankful she knew I didn't want to sit with anyone else. I loved my friends, I did, but I didn't want their concerns or questions for me.

Even Draco's.

I hadn't talked to him in three days now. I think I missed him. It was hard to tell though from everything going on.

Nothing of what happened in my brain really makes sense. But really, nothing happens in my brain. I think if my brain could talk it'd be confused. It'd ask what was happening or why this was all happening. I wouldn't have answers though.

Once the train is stopped, it takes me a moment to realize I have to get off. I have to get off and say goodbye to my friends. Say goodbye to him.

Pansy hands me my trunk with a small encouraging smile before leading me out of our compartment.

Right as we get out, I notice all the parents excitedly picking up their children, and all the happy children running to their parents. I wish I could fake a smile to everyone that I made eye contact with, but I couldn't.

Blaise, Theo, and Draco find us soon after we exit the train, and we all begin to say our goodbyes. No one bringing up what happened. No one asking if I was okay. No one looking at me with eyes full of pity. It was nice, really.

Pansy squeezes me tightly, slightly swaying side to side as I hug her back, just as tightly.

"My mum is rushing me so I gotta go but please let me know when you can come over to have an epic sleepover," She smiles sweetly at me.

I return the smile, which feels nice to use those muscles again. The ones you use to show happiness.

"I will,"

"Promise?" She raises her eyebrows jokingly at me.

"I promise," My smiles grows slightly, and I can tell its genuine.

She hugs Blaise and Theo quickly, giving Blaise a quick peck on the cheek (A gesture that filled me with a bit of joy) before running to her parents.

"We better get going as well," Blaise says to me with a soft and comforting smile. It seems like he'd be good at comforting people.

He and Theo hug me, both giving me a small amount of comfort.

I wave them goodbye, taking in the last bit of joy I can before hesitantly turning around. It feels like a stab in my stomach once I meet his grey eyes only a foot away from me.

Both of us just stand in silence. We search each other's eyes and wait for the other one to talk.

"So-"

"We-"

We both laugh awkwardly at our words interrupting each other's.

"You go," Draco says, raising his arm slightly as if to point to me.

I inhale sharply, looking between his eyes for any kind of emotion.

"Friends?" I ask, holding my hand out for a handshake.

He stares at my hand. He stares at my hand like he wants it burn off of my body. He stares at it like I've just grabbed his heart and broke it into millions of pieces. He stares at it with shock.

I didn't want to be his friend, and I knew he didn't want to be mine, but I couldn't drag him into this. I couldn't make him see me as I fall further and further down a hole of numbness and depression. I couldn't make him. I can't make him.

He doesn't look at me, he just continues to look at my hand.

Grab it. Grab it. Please just grab it.

I beg silently in my mind, almost wishing he could hear me.

I already knew this one small gesture was hurting him, which made it hard to even imagine how much us staying together would hurt him.

I want to yank my hand back. I want to hide it behind my back so he can't shake it. I want to slap myself with the hand.

I can't make him. I can't make him. I can't make him.

He slowly raises his eyes to look at me. They look sad. They look so fucking sad. And confused. They seem so confused as to why I'm doing this. As to why I'm ruining us.

I plead silently with my eyes, trying to resist the urge to take my hand back.

Grab the hand. Grab the hand. Please just grab it.

And then he does.

"Friends."

END OF FOURTH YEAR

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heyyyy;)

i swear i have a plan and i swear y'all will love it‼️all i'm asking for is a tiny bit of trust from you

this sounds so narcissist lmao but i'm thinking of actually reading my story? like reading all the chapters i've written so far just so i can kinda see what's happening and what i wanna add more of. with that being said i might not be posting the next chapter for a few days because i'll be reading my story.

i love you all though and hope you have a wonderful week! be kind to yourself:)) mwahh!!