"...Did I do something? Say even?" your voice was barely above a whisper and Dean felt his knees almost give away at the look on your face.
"No, no. It's fine. You- you didn't-" he couldn't complete an entire sentence without feeling his heart beating so fast and so hard inside his chest. He almost felt dizzy. This hadn't happened even in his wildest dreams.
"Oh... alright. Then-" you rubbed your arm, Dean's eyes casting to your wrist, curious and greedy to see his name there, but couldn't very clearly.
"Would you like to... talk a little then? And have a beer maybe?" you asked so shyly that Dean found it impossible to not grab you and envelope you in his arms right then and there.
"Sounds great." he breathed out, for the first time in so long a smile that reached his eyes appeared.
Both of you stood like that for a second, you biting your lip and looking at him and him doing the same thing. Only his gaze was more intense, making you avert your eyes from second to second. You raised an eyebrow for a second, Dean frowning for a little while, until realization downed on him.
"Oh. Oh." he blinked, feeling a... blush creeping up his neck?
"I'll be right back." he hurried to say, almost running out of the room because he didn't want to let you realize anything.
He had already started feeling all those symptoms he had heard Sam talk about. He wanted to say he didn't mind it or like it but truth was... he did, in a way. But now he was too scared to think of anything else. It was all so new to him, and at knowing you more, he had started to realize how deep they were.
~*~
He took his sweet time. More so than that, actually. But he couldn't help it. He was panicking, hard. Never in so long had he ever thought he was going to meet you. He'd hoped about it, secretly, because he wouldn't dare admit it even to himself that he needed you. Desperately. Let alone anybody else. He played tough in front of Sam, almost like he didn't believe in this kinds of stuff. That it was not going to be like it was for him and Jess because, well, he was Dean Winchester. Sam and Jess fell in love and he, Dean, just didn't do love.
Not until now.
He panicked for a second, feeling a lump on his throat as he stared down at the beers he had just gotten out of the fridge. He couldn't move a single muscle, even if his mind screamed for him to do so- along with the rest of his body- to be close to you. But this was big, beyond that, and Dean just needed some time to himself. Millions of thoughts were running through his mind making him feel almost a little dizzy. He gripped on the kitchen counter tightly to steady himself. He closed his eyes for a second to calm his wildly beating heart. A small smile, almost of disbelief, formed on his lips. Atrembling sigh left his lips as it turned into a grin.
And he felt so stupid. Like a love-struck teenager thinking about their crush. He could now clearly understand what Sam meant when he talked about Jess. He was feeling all of it now with you, but there was no way he was going to let the younger brother know. He would never hear the end of it, although he already knew how happy Sam was for him.
And now- now he felt giddy, he wanted so bad to see the tattoo on your arm. His name there. He had imagined it so many times. Him running his fingers over it after hours and hours of love making, showing you how desperate he was for you to hold you, kiss you, love you and cherish you like you were the most important treasure he'd ever had. A warm feeling spread inside him and he wanted to laugh at himself. He felt his stomach tie into knots and an itching feeling to suddenly make all those fantazies true. All of them. Because he had thought of it, all of it with every single detail.
He wanted this. He needed it. To show you how amazing you were, and how much he needed to be one with you forever. Cheesy as it could be, and he had told that so many times to Sam, but now he had started feeling it himself too. You were his soulmate, there for him, waiting to love him just as much he wanted to. The smile was wide on his lips before he could realize it. He breathed out a laugh, running a hand down his face. He felt his entire body temperature rise up.
He had dreamed about this so many times and it was finally happening. He didn't want it to let it show how he was always looking for you, every time he met an (Y/n) etching to ask them their last name although he always doubted it was you because he didn't feel that connection from the first moment. But with you he did, even before knowing you name.
And he now wanted to see your tattoo so much. The tattoo. His name. The thought crossed his mind and- He started panicking again, in the bad way though. You should have a tattoo with his name there and as that knew he was yoursoulmate but... you had not reacted. And you already knew who he was. No, no he convinced himself that you must have not realized what it actually meant yet. Probably you hadn't even connected the dots yet.
Yes, he remembered Sam telling him that Jess hadn't let herself believe Sam was her real soulmate until he showed her his own tattoo of her name, which was the first five minutes of them knowing each other anyway. Yes that was it. It had to be it. Because you were his soulmate, his (Y/n). He knew and not just because of the tattoo, but because of what he had already started feeling. The thought put him to rest but panic was still inside him as he thought you were out there, waiting for him. Him.
The giddy feeling was there again. And it almost made him laugh at himself. He was Dean Winchester. He was always confident with women, knew what he wanted from them and had no second doubts when he wanted one. He always took what he wanted. But with you it was so much different. For the first time in... ever, actually, he felt nervous. But as weird as it sounded he liked this, and he wanted this.
But nothing would ever be able to change how terrified he was. This was finally happening, no matter how many times he'd reamed of it nothing could have prepared him for this. All kinds of scenarios of him screwing things up (in numerousways) ran through his mind. His hands began to shake before he could even realize it.
~*~
"Thanks." you smiled widely up at him and he had to keep himself from grinning like an idiot. But he still did feel the small tingle when your fingers brushed. You didn't even mention why it took him so long to come back.
"No problem." he breathed out, not helping himself in coming to sit next to you.
"...Are you sure everything is ok?" you asked after a small pause and he looked back at you.
"I- I mean-" you stuttered, hurrying to add "-I know you said everything is fine but I- I just- you don't look all that good."
He smiled a little awkwardly, all the kinds of conversations he had in his mind while in the kitchen, had suddenly vanished.
"No, no it's fine. Things just haven't been all that easy these days that's all." he shrugged.
"Really? What- what is it? If you don't mind my asking, that is." you fidgeted with your beer, only looking at him.
He let out a breathless laugh "Where to begin? It's just-" he shook his head at his own thoughts "-This life ain't all that easy (Y/n). Not the way it looks on TV at least."
You chewed on your lower lip, looking down at your hands "I'm sorry." you whispered.
He shook his head "No, no (Y/n)." he stopped for a second, a small smile etching on his lips.
He loved how your name sounded on his lips already.
"You don't need to apologize." he took a sip of his beer.
"I do, Dean. I do." you looked up at him "I- I am a burden to you. Yet another case on your hands you need to get done with when you could just as well been taking some time to relax. I'm- only causing trouble to you."
"No." he said firmly, shaking almost to the core. His voice sounded almost angry "No. Don't you even dare think about it. You are not a burden nor will you ever be. We could have just as well let you by the side of the road this morning but no. We didn't. Because we didn't want to. So don't you get to blame yourself for it." he let out an almost frustrated sigh.
"You are not just another case, (Y/n). You are far from it... at least to me." he ended up whispering the last part almost to himself but you managed to hear it.
You looked up at him, your mouth opening for a second but you decided against it.
"Thank you." you whispered instead and he smiled softly.
"No problem. I just hope you will have enough patience to put up with us, for as long as this takes." he teased and you giggled, making his grin get even wider.
His heart skipped a beat but he didn't mind it in the least bit.
"Well I like to admit I have seen enough Supernatural in my life to know a few tricks that work on you guys." you chuckled and he raised an eyebrow.
"Do tell?" he smirked and you shrugged.
"I won't reveal my secrets." you winked at him and his eyebrows shot up in interest, almost feeling his breath hitch on his throat.
"Well, then I think it would be nice if you stayed long enough." he took a sip of his beer looking at you from the corner of his eye.
"Hm" looked down, drinking slightly "I don't think I would mind." you mumbled after a while.
"Really?" he breathed out almost in awe.
"Yeah." you looked down, feeling your cheeks heat up "Besides- crazy or not I am a fangirl, and this? Is a dream coming true so just let me enjoy it for a second!"
He chuckled, making you smile too. It was almost contagious so you couldn't help it. Not to mention that it was a pleasant change. Seeing Dean Winchester truly smile in so long, in a way that his smile reached his eyes and he wasn't pretending was more than enough. More than you could ever ask for, really.
"Which reminds me- I need- we need to take you out sometime. I bet you'd like to see all those places we've been to." he smirked slightly, covering up his mistake.
"You could? I mean guys you are so busy lately, now you have to find a way for me back home and I-" you bit your lower lip, looking down.
"No, no. It's fine. We can take our time... Unless of course you have a problem?" he spoke carefully.
"No, not really." you breathed out, a smile spreading on your lips "I wouldn't actually mind staying here a little longer." you shrugged and he grinned.
"Consider it done then." he clicked his bottle with yours and you smiled at him too.
Silence fell between the two of you for a little while. Though it wasn't an awkward one, or unpleasant in any sort of way. On the contrary you had never felt more at peace and you hoped so did he. You were actually glad that you hadn't made a fool of yourself in front of him so far. This was the real Dean Winchester you were talking about. A man you had actually admired for so long and getting to know him was beyond any of your wildest dreams.
"You didn't tell me-" you spoke up, breaking the silence. He looked up at you, almost being brought out of his trail of thoughts "-what's been up in Dean Winchester's life lately?" your smile made him brighten up as well.
He chuckled "Not something that's really worth or interesting talking about."
"That I will get to say." you smirked and this time he laughed more.
"No, trust me. Not something I'd like to talk about." he mumbled, averting his eyes from yours.
You noticed some kind of melancholy in his eyes, shifting in your chair so that you could see him better. His eyes were casted down and you could see the sadness written all over his face. He was in doubt about something, too. He almost looked... guilty? Before you could even think about it you reached your hand and placed it over his.
He practically jumped in his place, his eyes going wide and his head snapped to your direction. He was literally holding his breath, looking almost like a deer caught in the headlights. But you saw how he went from scared to guilty and pained in a second. Almost like he hated himself for... wanting this?
"Dean." you whispered, feeling a kind of pull like never before.
You've always had a soft spot for him, from the first moment you started watching Supernatural. You couldn't explain it, because even if you admired Jensen grately, this kind of pull couldn't be described at just that right? It was a deeper kind of way, like some kind of longing for him. You always felt the need for things you probably shouldn't considering he was a fictional character- up until a few hours ago.
You always felt the need to be a shoulder for him to cry on when he needed and to wipe those tears away, you always wanted to be there to hug him when he smiled and looked so fake; as if he was begging for it but not out loud. You always wanted to be there to hug him after a nightmare, tell him that it was going to be alright. And you always felt yourself smiling or laughing at his own happiness, even if those moments were very rare. Your heart soared inside your chest every time, more so than with anything else.
"...Are you sure everything is alright? You're worrying me here."
"Nah princess." he smirked, though you could see it was not real. It looked forced, like he obviously forced himself to pull his hand away even if he didn't want to.
"Don't worry about it. It's nothing."
"Are you really that sure? Dean if- if this has to do with me then I- please just- did I do something?" you ended up whispering and his eyes widened for a second.
He shook his head "No, no don't you think about it. Things are more complicated than you'd think (Y/n). It's- hard to explain." he clenched his jaw looking away.
"Really? Because Dean if I said something wrong I- I really am sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"(Y/n)." he breathed out "Stop. This- it's not what you think. Hard times, that's all." he shook his head, swallowing hard.
He was literally forcing himself to say all of these things. Just like he was forcing himself to be as stoic as possible, keeping this only friendly. He wanted so much to just hold your hand because it felt like someone teared a part of his heart when he pulled away. He now understood what Sam meant by saying that the attraction was the deeper and stronger he was ever going to feel. But he was Dean Winchester, soulmate or not, he had to sacrifice his feelings for your sake. He couldn't do this to you. Anyone that got close to him died sooner or later. Sam was just amongst the lucky ones, just like Cas, thatwas brought back to life. But he knew that there was no such luck for you and he couldn't even bear the thought of you losing your life to him.
He knew that sooner or later he was going to be your undoing. He was poison, to every person he had ever let himself love. And this time he had to fight stronger than ever before with himself to keep his distance. He had to fight as every fiber in his body longed for you, because if he allowed himself to get close and attached (screw that, he already was too attached for his liking) he knew it would only end in tears. And you didn't deserve this. You were young and beautiful, ready to have a life with so much potential. And if you got away from this universe and from him you would get to live it for as long as possible. He panicked even at the thought of you dying because he was too selfish and kept you close to him.
Some called this a blessing, having a soulmate. That one made just for you. But Dean- Dean always called it a curse for the woman, you, that would have his name on her wrist. It would only mean that the second you met him you'd be at Death's door. He was poison. He was a curse and he couldn't bring himself to be selfish, to actually let himself get close to you, at the cost of your life. He was going to let himself live without you as long as he knew you were safe and sound... away from him.
"Is this about her?" you whispered, having caught onto what he was probably thinking.
It didn't even surprise him anymore. The connection you two shared, ever at a few hours of being in the same room didn't surprise him at all. He smiled just softly, at least he could now put a face to the name as he stared at his wrist at nights. And he was the happiest man on Earth for it to be your face, even if he'd soon have to say goodbye. At least every night from now he'd be able to picture you and fall asleep, full of guilt.
"Dean." your voice trembled "Is this about your soulmate?" his eyes locked with yours for a second and then down on the hidden tattoo, only part of a letter showing. You couldn't read his mind but of course knew that whatever it was it had to do with his other half.
He didn't even stop himself from breathing out the word "Yeah."
You nodded your head slowly, moving away slightly so that you weren't fully facing him. He looked at you for a second, his eyes narrowed as he could swear he almost saw disappointment there? He bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from saying what he was truly thinking and what he wanted to so much.
"Do you... miss her?" you asked in a tentative voice, looking at him a little shyly but mostly in a sad way.
"Wh-what?" he breathed out, frowning.
"Lisa. Do you miss her?" you asked again and Dean had to keep his eyes from going wide. This was certainly something he didn't expect to hear.
"Who?!" he couldn't help but exclaim, his eyes going wide.
You bit on your lower lip, looking down for a second "Lisa, your soulmate right? It must be really hard, having to have her memories of you erased because you needed to protect her. You must have really loved her, don't you?" your voice was low, barely above a whisper feeling almost an uncharacteristic pang in your chest.
Dean clenched his jaw, letting out a sigh through his nose "She wasn't my soulmate."
Your eyes widened and your head snapped back up at him "N-no? But- but I thought-"
"No." he shook his head "And... I don't miss her that much, actually." he shrugged.
Your eyebrows shot up, you certainly weren't expecting to hear this. You had almost convinced yourself the moment you found out about this soulmate thing that she'd be his one.
"But..." you whispered "I thought the way you imagined yourself happy was with her. Wasn't it?"
He let out a sigh, looking ahead of him. He was in deep thought for a second until a small smile formed on his lips. He looked down and shook his head "Yeah, guess I was wrong back then. Big time."
He let a small sigh and spoke up again "Lisa- she belongs to the past. I- I guess I could say I was somewhat happy for a little while with her but- it ended for a reason. I guess you could say I will hold onto the memories of course but- I was never really in love with her, I got to realize it over the years to be honest."
"So what?" you breathed out a laugh, trying to lighten the mood "You don't dream of her at nights when you're alone in bed, in need of someone to comfort you the way she did?" you teased, mostly to hide how you felt. Sad in the beginning for sure but now a little happy, more so than you should.
"Nah" he shook his head "Besides there will be another girl to occupy my dreams from now on, I'm sure." and as he said those words he looked at you, fully in the eyes as if he was talking about you. The intensity and the words made a blush rise up on your cheeks, so much that you had to look down for a while.
"Someone better than Lisa?" you raised an eyebrow, cheeks still burning.
"Someone better than anyone out
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