//thoms pov 

i can't believe jonny had sex with me. was it even sex? this isn't real. this isn't right. jonny doesn't love me- no... no he's not in love with me. he probably just went along with it because i was drunk and he pities me. i know that's it; he wouldn't ever do this sober; i shouldn't bother with him. he's too far above me, and he knows that; he just won't admit it because he probably thinks i'm so pathetic that i couldn't handle his rejection. .... even if i couldn't- even if i can't... i don't need to validate that thought in his head.

i've known that i wake up before him for a while, so it's no surprise i got up before him. i have to lift his arm off me so i can get out. i need to get. this whole room smells of his regular cedarwood body wash. i don't care that i know what he smells like; i don't care that i went shopping trying to pinpoint which body wash he owns. none of this matters: he doesn't love me back, so i might as well just fucking move on and forget about everything i know about him. it doesn't even fucking matter; forget about him thom.

"nngghh.... g'mornin thom" jonny groaned when he first started waking up, sort of resembling how he sounded last night... did he make his voice deeper to be more attractive to me?? no- no. no, i know he didn't. he probably does that with every other whore like me that he's fucked. why did he have to do this to me?

"morning." i said shortly, trying to hurry up and get ready so i can leave this fever dream.

"why are you up?" he brought himself up a little so that he was resting on his elbows; he's not wearing a shirt. "mph- it's so early... come lie down with me" god dammit jonny, don't fucking do this to me.

"im already up, and i need to get dressed." i grab a uniform shirt and trousers that i stuffed in my bag, looking ugly and wrinkled. after a quick shower and 10 minutes of staring into my dead eyes, i get out and grab my school bag so i won't have to listen to jonny's voice anymore. i wish i had actually killed myself last month; i wouldn't have to be living through this. living though the torture that jonny's putting me through.

-once jonny's arrived at school-

"hey thom!" the usual greeting as always, with his usual excitement-raised voice. i wish he would quit that act, it's starting to get on my nerves.

"hi jonny" maybe if i duck my head and squint my eyes he'll just think i'm hungover. i am, but i've gotten used to it.

"are you okay? you look sick" stop with that fucking "concerned" voice, you're making this worse. "i can walk with you to the nurse if you like"

"i don't need the fucking nurse, i just need to disappear into the classroom and make it through the day." i wish i could disappear completely, but now's not the time for that.

"okay..."

he still walks with me like usual, but i guess i just need to wait it out until he forgets about me.

-a few days later-

i've noticed jonny keeping away me from me. ... good. that's what should happen. ..... i don't want this to continue though. i wish i could run back to him and say "sorry." i wish i could lay in him arms, smooshed up against his cotton shirt, and just breathe in the smell of his body. it always felt good to he hugged by him, and our height differences make it so that i can perfectly lay my head in the corner of his shoulder. ... he always runs his hands down my hair, and says things will be okay, and his voice always quiets and makes me calmer. ... no. no. nononononono, i can't be thinking like this. things are just the way they are, and i don't need to be thinking about what isn't.

i've been sleeping on jonny's couch for a bit now. thankfully he still lets me use his shower, but he never acknowledges it... i don't either though, so maybe it's for the best.

...

I can't stop thinking about his damn love life though. colin told me about this bitch named jesse who asked him out, and he said yes. why did he have to say yes?? i knew he was bisexual, but... i don't know... i guess some part of me was still hoping that i held a place in his heart. ugh, why did she have to have an ambiguous name too? it's as if he's rubbing it in that he's dating someone. i would be less hurt if he was dating a guy, and the name jesse COULD be a guys name, but it just feels like salt in the wound that the name belongs to a girl. i can hear his voice in my head, cynical and proud of the hurt it's causing me, saying "yeah, you might've thought i was dating another boy, but she's my girlfriend; faggot. i mean you practically turned me straight, it's laughable how desperate you are."

-saturday, 11 pm-

i just got back from sneaking into my moms house to steal some alcohol, and i've decided that now is better than ever. it's kinda shitty, but she has shit taste in everything; it's the best i can get anyway.

i start chugging it, immediately feeling it hit the bottom of my throat. i wonder what i would do if i got drunk. ... maybe i should get drunk. can't be too bad. aheh- i can feel it already. it's only been a few minutes... i guess my moms taste in alcohol isn't tooo horrible.

.....

im buzzed out of my mind- like a bee that's high on nectar. do bees get high? i wonder how many bee lives i've ruined... oh god, i'm crying now- i'm such a monster. i've ruined everything in my life: jonny, my relationship with my mom, bees.. i'm a tyrant. i can hear jonny walking downstairs, but he shouldn't talk to me. i'm not worth of his time; he's too precious for that-

"thom..?" jonny spoke, his voice as worried as ever

"owh- jonnny... whatr you doingh here"

"i live here; what have you gotten yourself into??"

"uhhm.. iimmmm.. in thinking. right nowh- yeap, thas what i'm doin" i know i'm subconsciously inching closer to him, but it doesn't matter

"thom." oh no, he's going to start yelling at me- he hates me now "give me your drink."

"nooohh- it's mine- you don have that power... anymoore"

"thom, i care about you; you've had enough"

"you- no you don't-" i'm back to crying again, holding the bottle for emotional support. "you've given up on me... you're out datehing some random girl- who doesnt eben know youu"

"i gave up on you??? you're the one who pushed me away for no reason. after the first night you were here, you ghosted me with no explanation or even a "sorry." ... thom.." he took the bottle away and grabbed my hands "i never wanted this. i never wanted any of this. i was so hurt by you when you stopped talking to me, this was never something i wished for. ... why did you stop talking to me, thom?"