I sit up with a start, breathing heavily as I try to remember that the dream wasn't real. Wiping my face, I take a deep breath, trying to stop the hammering of my heart in my chest. "It was just a dream," I whisper to myself.

They come when I least expect them to.

"Maddox? Are you okay?" Cassidy asks sleepily, and I realize I've woken her up.

"Go back to bed, I'm sorry I woke you." I slip out of the sheets, and hold my breath until I reach the safety of the bathroom. "You look like a wreck," I murmur to myself after seeing my reflection in the mirror. A pure disaster.

I turn the faucet to run cold water and splash it on my face like it can wash away the memories that plague my sleep. They don't come often, but enough I can't forget.

I can't forget the way she turned and walked away from me at the airport for the last time. I can't forget that she didn't get to call. I can't forget that her engagement ring is still sitting in a box in my nightstand. The letter she had told Nick to give me if something happened is with it. Or the gold star lapel that was given to me after they declared Paige dead.

She's dead.

Gone.

Deceased.

Not coming back.

I splash my face again, letting the water drip off into the sink. I let out a shaky breath before grabbing the hand towel and rubbing my face dry. I don't leave until my breathing and heart rate are somewhat back to normal.

Cassidy is sitting up in the bed, patiently waiting for me to come back and it's hard not to smile when I see her. There's enough light from the moon outside coming in through the open blinds, that it makes her eyes appear luminescent.

I sit on the bed, and pull her close to me. "I'm sorry for waking you up."

She rests her head on my chest, "It's no biggie. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." Cassidy hesitates before continuing, "You were calling out for her again." She says it so softly I almost missed it, but I'm not surprised.

I run my hand through her hair, "I'm sorry," I apologize again.

"You don't have to apologize."

I sit there for a moment, holding Cassidy to me before the words start pouring out of me, "Paige was Charlie's little sister. She was a freshman when I was a sophomore, and after Charlie introduced us, we were inseparable. We instantly clicked. My junior year, I found out Paige had enlisted in the Marines f0r six years the summer after she graduated high school. She only told me because she was being deployed. It happened so fast, and before I knew it she was gone."

I pause to catch my breath because talking about Paige is hard. Harder than it should be, but it doesn't get any easier as more time passes.

"We wrote letters for six months and she called whenever she could, but service over there was spotty. She came back a few weeks before summer ended; she was the same person, but there were differences. Paige was always on alert, she could never sit with her back to a door. I tried to understand and give her space. She introduced Charlie to her now-husband, Nick, who served in Paige's unit too. She wanted to make Charlie as happy as we were together."

I smile at the memory of Paige bringing Nick to a study night and Charlie was so mad at her for setting them up that she ignored Nick the entire night. She didn't want to admit that Paige had actually done a good job of setting them up.

"I thought we were in the clear, and we moved from Boston to New York after Paige graduated. I got a job working for the family company, Paige applied to be an assistant professor at NYU. She was a painter. I proposed after four years of being together, and a year before our wedding was scheduled, Paige got the call that she had to go back." I close my eyes remembering the little cafe we were at and the shock that was on her face. "One tour is expected, but two is rare. She'd served her time, it was her last year as an active member."

I hold Cass a little tighter because my voice is starting to shake, and I need to get this out before I lose what little courage I gained. "I didn't want her to go. I tried convincing her to find a way out, but Paige was so stubborn. Three weeks into her second tour, Charlie and I still hadn't heard from her. Charlie had stayed over that night helping me address our 'save the dates' when a huge storm took out the power grid. The next morning we were told that Paige had been declared missing in action."

"She was captured by Taliban forces in the chaos after her team went over a land-mine. After two months, the military warned us that the rescue mission hadn't been approved yet because it was too dangerous to try and recover her. Seven months ago, they identified charred remains as Paige because of her dog-tags..." I start to trail off because admitting she's gone is hard. "It's been three years, two months and twenty-five days since the last time I saw her." I'm not embarrassed that I've kept track of the time. It feels like my life has been separated into before Paige went missing, a period of grey while she was missing, and then my life after Paige died.

I close my eyes and bury my face in Cassidy's hair that smells like lavender as tears slip past my barriers. She's clinging to me just as tightly as I'm clinging to her.

"I'm so sorry," Cassidy says, and that's when I realize that she's crying too. The person I'm currently falling for is crying for the person I lost. "I'm so sorry you lost her."

Me too.

Me too, Cassidy.

I just continue to hold her in my arms, glad I could finally tell her the truth. It feels good to finally tell someone. Everyone else already knows because of the articles that were written on it. I never had to tell anyone until Cassidy.

Cass is different.

She makes me feel alive again.

That's something I've been trying to find since Paige left.

*********

I called in sick the next day and decided to instead spend the day with Cassidy watching movies. However, I wasn't paying much attention to the movie as cliche as that sounds. Her head was resting on my chest as she focuses on the television screen.

"Maddox?"

I smile and run my fingers through the ends of her dark hair gathered into a ponytail. "Yeah?"

She turns her head to where she is staring at me, "You're staring. It's kinda creepy."

I chuckle lightly, feeling free, "I don't care." I didn't expect to feel so free after spilling my past with Paige. She didn't question it or judge me for holding onto her memory. She just let me hold her, even after she'd fallen asleep. "Hey Cass?"

Her eyebrows furrow, "Yes?"

"Come with me to Boston."

I can see her brain start to work, "Boston?"

"I want you to meet Charlie and her family. Whenever works best for you."

Cassidy's eyes might be bluer than mine. "Are you sure?"

I move into a sitting position, pulling her up with me. "Yeah. They're important to me and you're important to me, so why not? I can promise you that it won't end with me hitting your ex again." The joke falls a little flat because I didn't particularly enjoy hitting Cass's ex. Actually, that's a lie. I did enjoy it and I'd probably do it again. He's a coward that hit Cassidy, and stole fifty thousand from me. Noah is lucky that I only hit him once. I didn't enjoy dealing with the fall out when the videos were posted to the internet.

The media is still posting articles about it and questioning wether I'm going to anger management.

She leans over and presses her lips softly against mine. I sweep her bottom lip with my tongue until Cass lets me have control. She gives in easily.

Cassidy is like a drug to me, and I just can't get enough of her.

I break the kiss, tracing her jawline with short kisses, down the side of her neck, until I reach her shirt and then back up again. "Yes," She breathes out, and I smirk as she wraps my shirt in her hands.

"Yes what?" I mumble against the skin on her neck before sucking gently.

"I'll go with... you to... Boston," Cassidy tries to say, squirming under my touch when my hand slips beneath her shirt to start running up and down her spine. I claim her mouth again for a few seconds when Cass uses her hands to push off against me, breaking the kiss.

"Are you okay?" I ask, worried that I'm pushing her too much. We agreed to take it slow because I wasn't sure how much I could give her, and her how much she could give me. Sleeping is all we've been doing in my bed, but it's been nice having someone there.

However, this isn't slow in any way. "I'm sorry," I apologize, trying to read her face, but Cassidy just grins at me, shaking her head.

"Don't apologize," She says, before slowly pulling her shirt up and over her head, leaving her only in a sports bra. "Seriously, there's nothing to apologize for."

I smile and wait for her to make the next move, giving her a turn in the driver's seat. Her fingers brush the bottom of my shirt before slowly tugging it upwards. I help her out grabbing the back and pulling it over my head, chucking it in a random direction before Cass is on me.

She's kissing me passionately as my hands fall to grip the soft skin at her hips. Her dark hair is still trapped in a ponytail, and I slowly pull the hair tie out, letting it fall free on her shoulders.

I am absolutely crazy about this woman. She drives me crazy.

"Maddox?" She asks, hanging back just out of reach, and I reach up to brush a piece of hair behind her ear. "You're important to me too."

Charlie was right; it's been three years and I need to move on. I don't feel guilty for being here with Cassidy.

She presses her lips against mine sweetly before beginning her hands descent down my torso. Raking her nails gently over my skin causes me to suck in a sharp breath, trying to remember the last time I was this turned on.

I move to get up causing Cassidy to fall off my lap, and I quickly pull her over my shoulder. "Hey! Put me down!" She laughs as I walk towards my bedroom.

"Absolutely," I joke, dropping her on the bed before pinning her down to kiss her again. Cassidy runs her hands through my hair, and it feels fucking fantastic. I bite her bottom lip gently before pulling back to press my lips against ever piece of available skin.

When I return to the spot on her neck I'd found a little bit ago, she lightly pulls my hair, and I let a soft groan at the same time she gasps. "Maddox, please."

A surge of pride runs through me hearing her say that, and I pull back to start lifting her bra up, "Is this okay?"

Cassidy removes it herself quickly, "You were taking too long," She smiles, meeting me for a short kiss again.

"Cass, you're beautiful," I say cupping her cheek and her cheeks flush red. And she is. Confident and unafraid. Her hands drop to the waistband of my sweatpants where it's very clear how I'm feeling right now, and I stop her. I almost want to kick myself in the balls for stopping her. The look on her face is pure confusion.

"Am I doing something wrong?" She asks, slowly starting to retreat by crossing her arms to cover herself, and I shake my head quickly.

"God no! I'm sorry, I just... it's been-" I let out a groan of frustration, trying to convey what's going on with me. "I haven't well, been with anyone since... It's been a while." The last thing I want to do right now is talk about Paige, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.

I've kept my life on hold. I didn't want to give up hope that she'd come back. It felt wrong to have sex just to have sex. I still haven't completely come to terms with her dying, but I know it's time for me to stop letting fear of the unknown control the way I'm living.

I can't let the fear of moving on stop me from the possibility of loving another. Paige is gone, and she isn't coming back.

Cassidy rests a hand on my arm, "It's okay. We don't have to go further. It's up to you and what you're comfortable with. You don't have to apologize for anything."

I meet her eyes, only to find that she's completely telling me the truth. I kiss Cassidy briefly before resting my forehead against hers, "Thank you for being so patient with me. I think I'm okay if-if this is what you want?"

She nods and gives me a look, "What do you think?"

I give her a goofy smile, "Do you actually want to know what I'm thinking right now?" I ask, letting my eyes drift down to her chest briefly, and she rolls her eyes. I note the sparkle in them and how naturally beautiful Cassidy is.

After that?

It's a blur that ends in tangled bed sheets.