Following my less than composed state at Theo's house, he insisted that he drive me home. By that point I gave in to his offers, not feeling like taking my splotchy face into a taxi with a stranger once the waterworks had officially been opened. Maybe I was overreacting or maybe I wasn't, but it just felt like I was a dam and my walls had just crumbled down so that now I was sending a tsunami of emotion out of every emotional crevice of me.

It was a silent drive, my craving for the sound of absolutely nothing having reached its peak, complete with repeated looks in my direction from Theo to check on my state as he weaved through the city roads. Once we got to my apartment he walked me to my door and I probably should have offered him a drink or something at that point, because of etiquette and all, but he'd already spent all that time consoling me that morning. 

I honestly just needed some time alone. Just me. No reassurances or comforting words. Just silence to allow myself to make sense of the rumbling of thoughts that were brewing in my mind.

So I thanked him and he promised to check up on me soon before he left me to the arms of Jess, who was at first curious but then quickly transitioned to her role as the concerned best friend and caretaker. She had been waiting for my return to interrogate me over my night and what had happened with Theo, only to receive a miserable and confused me with the events of last night quickly fading away from my thoughts. I was willing to forgo my silence for Jess' presence though because she was one of those people that you could just sit with and feel more at comfort. 

In the days to come I would get some clarification from my Dad and Lexi about the whole situation. For some reason, though, I don't find the courage in myself to call Baba. Maybe I'm just a coward, but I also know deep down that I need to have that conversation in person.  There is nothing like having a conversation in person to enhance a discussion, with numerous tells available when someone is standing before you to reveal more than words possibly can alone. Right now, I need all the signs I can get from her because I can't handle having any more things kept from me. 

Perhaps this is all sounding rather self-centred from me but I had been raised to have rather open-communication between my grandmother and I, especially regarding our health after my mother's own battles. 

Nevertheless, I go back and forth about whether to change my mind and just call her, because I also don't want her to think I'm ignoring her after finding out this life altering bit of information about her. Decisiveness has never been my strong point. 

To distract me from these constant mental battles and all of my concerns, I bury myself in work in the week to come, arriving as early and leaving as late as I can. It's not exactly a healthy mental-health strategy or a good coping mechanism but it's gotten me this far in life so I persist with it. Conveniently, Monique happens to find the time to work on my article with me so the days fly by at an increasingly accelerated rate. 

This time she discovers is really only after the working hours that I actually get paid for, when the halls of the office are completely barren. However, it means that I might be filling a last minute space in one of the magazine's issues that comes out in the next week so it's worth it; a welcome matter to celebrate when it might feel like there isn't so much else to inspire joy for me. With everything that is going on it feels as though the anxiety in mind is a malevolent creature,  thriving within me at the moment from all these sources of energy.

Ultimately, all the distractions I take under my belt to try and ignore the existence of this beast within me come back to bite me in the ass when I end up sleeping in on Saturday morning because I'm that exhausted. I only wake when the moist, slimy texture of Charlie's tongue wipes across my face, alerting me to the sound of a snoozed alarm still chiming relentlessly. I leap out of  bed,  running around as though I am one of the decapitated chickens my traumatised mind still remembers seeing on my uncle's farm as a child, with a quick rush needed to gather all of my belongings and get my schedule back on time.

As I scramble across the apartment, putting together the supplies that I had purchased with Charlie bouncing around eagerly after me, the sound of someone knocking on my door interrupts my train of thought. I look up to the clock hanging by the doorway, puzzling over who it could be before ultimately giving up because it'd take too much time to ponder over it. Dropping the handful of items I had gathered onto the couch for the moment, I make my way over to open the door. But once I open the door my confusion remains.

"Hey." With his hands shoved gingerly into the pockets of his black jeans and looking snug with his grey hoodie on, Theo awaits me in my doorway. I'm almost tempted to revel in the thought of how cosy it would be to be nestled in his arms again, with the warmth of his hoodie radiating off of him like it did last week. Instead, I quickly begin to riffle through the many thoughts floating around in my brain to figure out why exactly he is here. 

Or is this just a surprise visit and all this wondering is pointless?

"Oh, hey...." I drag out my reply, exasperated from rushing around but also buying time as I attempt to resolve the confusion his presence has triggered. 

He quirks an eyebrow, tilting his head as he squints his eyes and assesses my response. See what I mean about conversations in person, the body tells you everything. And I'm afraid there's nothing I can hide when it comes to Theo, good or bad. 

"Did you forget that I said I'd come past?" he asks once his assessment is complete. 

The reminder that his visit was not unplanned is enough to switch on the light bulb in my mind.

"You messaged me." I recall with a triumphant flick of my hand.  

I now recall his message from yesterday, which I had quickly skimmed over and replied to in the midst of work, asking if he could come past before I left for my grandmother's house. I was curious about what motivated the random visit but had agreed nonetheless, not having the time to enquire further nor anticipating my morning would be in such a disarray.

"I did indeed," he chuckles, nodding with confirmation as he begins to sway back and forth on the heels of his feet while stuck waiting in the doorway.

I finally pick up on the fact that I'm kind of leaving him standing there waiting and should probably let him in, since I did agree for him to visit after all. 

"Sorry, I'm a bit all over the place this morning." I tell him as I finally move aside to let him inside.

"That's okay. Need a hand?" he offers, looking around at the mess which had overcome my apartment as he steps further into it. 

I too observe the collections of items that I've gathered, going over the list that I had mentally created and realising that, yes, I could use Theo's help. Clutter fills the room with the number of things that I said I would bring piling up and expanding far too greatly. A whole lot of but what if this happens and I need this item has taken place in my mind so my cargo for this day trip has amounted to far more than expected. 

"Sure, you can help me carry down some things to my car, if you don't mind?" I suggest, dreading having to carry everything and making the multiple trips required all by myself. 

I thankfully receive a firm nod in response as turns around to assess his surroundings and asks me, "Where do we start?" 

Pointing out the storage boxes which had been organised and were ready to make the trip down, Theo jumps straight into action, rolling his sleeps up. 

"We just need to keep our volume down because Jess worked late last night and is still sleeping." I quickly point out, remembering Jess who was only metres away in her bedroom. 

And so with a bone left to keep Charlie occupied, Theo and I begin our trek up and down the building's stairs to where my car awaits on the street. I'm immensely grateful as I watch box after box that I would have had to carry all by myself being lugged down each step in Theo's firm hold. I still don't know why he has visited today but I'm greedily taking advantage of his presence, even if it delays whatever he was hoping for. 

With the majority of the items safely placed in my car and everything in the apartment sorted, including Charlie who was checked and given a big hug, I am left at my car to sort through everything while Theo makes the last trip back up to grab the final items that I had forgotten. Thankfully, everything is right where it needs to be and so I go to turn on the engine to let it run a bit before I begin my trip.

However, the smooth sound of the ignition turning on is denied to me and I'm only met with the deep rumble of a non-cooperative engine. I question whether I perhaps did it wrong and didn't turn the key long enough. So I try again only to be met with the same sound and then suddenly silence as any chance of me driving the car seems to dissipate right before me.

"Fuck!" I groan, running my hands down my face as I hold back further screams. Once they fall from my cheeks, I let my hands slam against the steering wheel in the hopes that it will exert some of the tension from me. Ultimately, my hands end up gripping the steering wheel tightly as my head falls down in exhaustion, feeling no better as the second hurdle of the day overcomes me despite the day only barely having started.

"Woah, what's wrong?" Theo asks, rushing over to my side, having just come down from my apartment with the final box. He places it box down on to the hood of the car, coming closer to check over everything and rub my shoulder in concern. 

Ordinarily I would fret over his gesture of kindness and his touch gracing my shoulder but right now I'm too frustrated as I mentally digest my options to consider it. 

"My car decided that today of all days would be when it breaks on me- today when I have to drive to my grandmother's to help pack up her home and ship her off to a nursing home where, you know, she can apparently continue to forget everything about her whole life," I blurt out in complaint, explaining the situation. I realise the child-like nature of my rant though quickly. 

"Sorry, I'm rambling." I apologise, pulling myself out of the driver seat once I've given the car one last shot and admitting defeat. Theo looks over the car to assess it as I do too but clearly has no solution either, looking up to me suddenly as though he has had an epiphany.  

"Take my car. Actually, scratch that, let me drive you," he proposes, cutting himself off to update his own suggestion immediately. "You're in no state to be driving. I'll drive."

I step back from him, shaking my head as I dismiss the overly generous offer. I begin pacing as I try to think of my other options, emphasis on the try. 

"I couldn't let you do that. I'll figure something out." I assure him, knowing it would be too much of an ask to have him drive me back and forth from my grandmother's house, requiring him to stay and wait for me. Currently my options are veering towards paying for a ride or some combination of public transport but I clearly won't be able to take as many supplies along with me or bring back what I needed anymore. 

Nevertheless, the priority was for me to get there. I would make do.

"Come on Ella. Let me do this for you. It really isn't a big deal for me." he argues, not giving up on his case as he grips my shoulders to hold me in place. I question sometimes why he didn't become a salesman or lawyer cause it always feels like he's trying to persuade someone. I mean, he's done it with me countless times already.

"You'd be giving up your whole day off to come pack up a stranger's house. It's not your responsibility. I'll come up with something." I reason, knowing it is not a fair exchange. I tear my eyes away from his because I know his gaze is far too hypnotic and he'll have me succumbing to whatever requests he makes.

"But she's not just a random person, Ella. She's someone you care about and I care about... well, I care about whoever you care about," For a moment there it almost sounded like he was going to say something else but my emotionally vulnerable brain right now was clearly getting ahead of itself. "Let me do this for you Ella." he persists. 

I go over my options once again. If I take him up on the offer and am just openly selfish by using up his whole Saturday then at least it would be cheaper, I wouldn't have a random person driving me, and I could take and bring back all that I need. I would owe him big time, which is risky when it is Theo we're talking about, and I would be setting myself up for my grandmother to ambush us. But at this rate the pros are outweighing the cons.

"Are you sure?" I check, giving him one last opportunity to back out before he signs away his whole day. 

"Certain."

"I'd be your whole day gone?" I remind him again. 

He shakes his head nonchalantly. "I'm fine with that," he assures me with a chuckle. "Plus, I'll get a chance to see and hear all about what little Ella was like." he teases. 

I attempt a small laugh of my own at his jesting as I slowly nod in reluctant agreement. "Okay then. Thank you, truly. I owe you." I resign. "Oh, and trust me, little Ella was not very thrilling, and you will  probably be force-fed a lot of food by my grandma."

"That does not sound like a bad thing." he jokes as he finally lets me out of his grip and goes on to take those last boxes he had been carrying down to his car now along with all the other items we had just finished packing into my car. 

Once this tedious task is complete, my apartment keys are handed back over to me from Theo as he pulls out his own keys to start his car.

And so, as our seatbelts are buckled and the ignition is successfully turned on (unlike in my own rapidly declining car), the trip to my grandmother's house begins with Theo now in tow as well. Silence fills the confines of the car as Theo thankfully picks up on the fact that I'm not in too much of a mood to talk right now. I will eventually try and make conversation so that he's not forced to be with no one to talk to after giving up his day, but for now I just need a minute to recollect my thoughts. 

No word is uttered, with only the light sound of the radio playing and the rain lightly falling atop the car to be heard; the sullen showers and rough winds embodying the chaos of my mind. 

The quiet allows me to sift through my train of thoughts, checking over my mental checklist for the day compulsively as I watch the city gradually drift away past us. This then shifts to me attempting to prepare myself for what I'm going to say to my grandmother now that our conversation would ultimately arrive, but I don't know where I'm going to start. I begin to question whether I would have known about everything that was going on before Baba had completely moved into the nursing home had Lexi and my father not been unavailable today, leading me into a spiral of 'what ifs'.

We're around half way through the trip when Theo breaks the silence, although I'm thankful for it now as the thoughts inside my head and an endless stream of questions begin to overwhelm me.

"So, how are you doing?" Theo asks, tearing his eyes away from the road for just a second to check on me. "I know I already messaged you to check in but it's a lot easier to lie through the phone."

It's a point that I too remarked on when it was in regards to my conversation with my grandmother, but it's clear to everyone including Theo that I'm not innocent of using it to my own advantage when necessary. 

"I'm doing okay," I answer, to which I earn yet another look from Theo but only to quirk his eyebrow at me in disbelief. "Really, I am. Look, I'm not doing amazing today but I've cleared up a few things in my mind and at least haven't cried since my embarrassing moment last week at your apartment. Plus, work was a good distraction."

He nods in acknowledgement, tapping along the steering wheel as he pulls up to a red light. "I get that. I mean, why else do you think I was still working when you came in to the office on New Years Eve." he points out. 

Theo had his own demons to deal with that night, with each mention of the date a stark reminder of who was not with him to celebrate it any longer, and it appears that we are similar in more ways than one. 

With all the question marks remaining regarding my grandmother's health the pessimist in me could only wonder if the time where I would be missing my grandmother's presence in my life was sooner than I thought. How could I not think about that when the same person who has to take medication daily for her diabetes alongside an abundance of other health concerns was now forgetting everyday activities?

"Look, I'm sure everything will be okay," he consoles, clearly noticing my sigh as I get trapped within my thoughts yet again. "Just take things one step at a time. I'm sure once you get some more information and clear things up with her that it will get a bit better." he says, taking one hand off of the steering wheel and laying it across mine where it rests on my thigh. His thumb caresses mine as he looks to me with a reassuring smile.

This is the second time today that he has made one of these gestures, and now without the worry of my transport occupying my mind I'm allowed to ponder over it more. I briefly reflect on how quickly we have transitioned from the distance between us mere months ago to the state we are in now. In fact, the shift in our behaviour in the last few days is enough to remark over, with this kind of intimacy a stark difference to the type we have frequented in the last few weeks. It is more comfortable, more familiar, more tender. 

Yet it is also concerning as I find myself getting used to his touch and his presence despite its temporary status within my life. I remind myself though that for Theo, who is a lot more comfortable around people than I am that this is likely nothing more than a small gesture. 

Shaking my head, as though that could some how dissipate the barrage of thoughts from my mind, I remind myself to acknowledge his words. "Thank you again." 

"It's no problem," he chuckles at my attempt to show gratitude to him yet again.  "Anytime."

With those words and the switch of the red light to green, his hand finally leaves mine to return to the steering wheel. 

"Do you mind if I turn it up?" he asks, nodding his head towards the display where the screen says a radio station is playing but only the hush sounds of a song can be made out. "And don't worry, you won't fall victim to the sound of me singing Backstreet Boys today."

"Go for it." I answer with a chuckle as I'm reminded of our last car ride, yet also feeling horrible that Theo has to even check with me in his own car. 

As Theo turns the volume up and the rhythm of some top-50