"A year?!"

A year. A whole fucking year? Surely I had misheard. 

God, how could I have missed this? How could I have been so selfish? So obtuse? Here I was just thinking about myself- about my job and boys- while ignoring something so massive happening to the person who has been by my side my whole life.

Now I can see plainly that Theo's movements have come to a complete halt. He watches me now and he stands before me with concern clear across his face as his brows furrow with concentration. 

"You've always done so much for all of us Elle. She just wanted you to spend as much time as possible being able to focus on yourself for once." she rambles on, attempting to justify the secret, but slowly the sound of her voice seems to blur away in my mind as the cacophony of thoughts in my mind begin to collide. 

I'm speechless. I genuinely don't know what to say back to Lexi right now. 

I'm just trying to process everything and like expected I've gone straight to imagining the worst. I've always had this unhealthy coping mechanism where I prepare myself for the absolute worst. I tell myself that it's very possible that the worst is what will happen, whether it's an exam, or a job interview, because at least then I can be prepared- it won't be unexpected and anything better will be a relief. 

I thought I had done that regarding my grandmother's life and mortality.  Yes, memory loss and nursing homes were a reality of getting older- a reality that I reluctantly expected to face one day with my grandmother. But right now I feel like I'm driving a car around a bend expecting a car that I peeked around the edge to be waiting for me, only for it to be speeding in reality and to come slamming into me. Right now, I'm in the midst of the whiplash as the collision rocks me, or more accurately my thoughts, from side to side as I try to make sense of things. 

"I understand that it's late notice and you're busy so if you can't make it-" she begins, bringing me back to reality as I try to sort through my thoughts. 

"-I'll be there."

"Are you sure?"

"I'll be there, Lexi."

"Okay, thanks sis. I'll talk you more later and send through the specifics."

Without responding and saying any farewells, I lower the phone from my ear. I allow myself a moment to take in everything, taking a deep breath in, before I can possibly proceed with my day like everything hasn't changed in a few short minutes. The cogs are churning as quickly as they possibly can as I begin to ponder over every moment that I've had with my grandmother recently, searching for any sign that I could have missed. 

"Is everything okay?" Theo asks, concern clear across his face.

I blink three times, like my lashes are the windscreen wipers washing away the haze which had fallen over me and cleaning away the muddled thoughts that plague me. 

"It's fine." I dismiss with a wave of my hand, not wanting to get into it. He didn't sign up to listen to my sorrows. 

"Ella, what's wrong?" he asks, placing a hand on each of my arms as he ducks down to look me in the eyes. 

"It's nothing... it's just... it's my grandma."

I try so damn hard to hold back the tears which threaten to reappear in my eyes, my face likely resembling the shade of a strawberry as I attempt to do so like it usually does when I am close to crying. I get emotional incredibly quickly and I didn't need Theo seeing me like this. I know I'm probably overreacting but that woman means the world to me and this was just one of those sudden but harsh reminders of reality and time. I had been so caught up in myself, in all the drama in my life and career, that I hadn't even noticed all of this going on.

"Is everything alright with her?" he asks, eyes wide in alert as he must be assuming the worst.

"Uh... it's fine. I'm just processing and probably thinking the worst." I rationalise. I need to get it together. Quickly. "She's apparently moving into a nursing home because she's been struggling with her memory. Badly, and... well... god,  I didn't even have a clue. Lexi just told me because they need help packing up all of her belongings next weekend and she's busy so she needs my help." 

I shake my head, as though that might shake all these irrational thoughts out of my mind. 

"God, this isn't about me. I just need to clear my head." I remind myself, pulling myself away from Theo's touch and beginning to move around the room in a rush, collecting the belongings which I can see. 

"Ella, are you sure you're okay? I don't want to send you home all alone if you're not a hundred percent okay." he checks, with no reply as I'm fixated on just getting all my damn things together. I need to get out of here. I need him not to see me crumble. I need to get more information. "Here, let me grab my keys. I'll drive you home."

That brings me to a stop. 

He's followed me around the room and I now move to look to him as I prepare to convince him that I'm fine. 

"You don't have to do that." I assure him, . "Look, to be honest- no, I don't think I'm a hundred percent okay, but I will be. I just need time to take everything in and not think the worst."

"Ella, it is okay to not be a hundred percent fine right now. You're probably in a little bit of shock right now and understandably worried. Just give yourself a second to process." he suggests, holding me again by my arms to get me to slow down. 

So I try, for his sake. I stop my search, if only for a minute. But then I'm allowed to think things through again and I don't want to do that right now. I just want to get in that Uber and put my earphones in with the music as high as it can be to drown out the thoughts. With the silence not doing anything to distract me, I try to focus on my breathing.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. 

It's not working though, because I can feel my eyes glossing over again as my worst anxieties creep in and as Theo stands there watching me and checking to see if I'm okay. So I begin to tap my foot, faster and faster, as if that can push the negativity out of me. But it fails and I feel that one tear drop escape my eye and roll down my eye, breaking down the walls of my facade and opening the flood gates. 

"Come here." he tells me, opening his arms to me. 

As he sees me moving forward and accepting his offer, wanting to cover my face in his chest and deny him the sight of my face as I crumble, he pulls me closer till I am wrapped in his embrace. "It'll all be okay. I'm here for you if you need me." He whispers in my ear as he leans down to rest his head against mine where it rests exactly where his heart lays, lulling me to a state of slightly more peace as my breathing follows the pace of his heartbeat. 

The bubble that I had been floating around in, high in the sky, has well and truly popped now and is sending me hurling for the ground. The distractions of Theo and my career had me swept up in this whirlwind of indulgences and now I had received a sharp return to reality. 

My head remains on his chest as he grips me tightly, eagerly accepting his hold on me as though my erupted bubble had landed me stuck in a storm out at sea scared to be whisked away by the water lest we let go of each other. While one hand rests on my back, the other quickly finds its way up my arm where his thumb rubs my skin soothingly before reaching my back where it delicately weaves through the strands of my hair calming me down. These simple gestures don't make all my problems disappear but they make the pain a little less strong. 

Just a little bit, for now, fulfilling his role as my distractor for better or for worse.