Song of the chapter: Cross My Heart by AG, Cece And The Dark Hearts

Following our premature departure from the gala, Theo and I quickly realise that we're both starving and should probably have waited around for at least our paid for meals. But, why have a meal made by a gourmet chef when you can have a six nugget happy meal?

We are certainly the best dressed customers of that McDonalds, the stares obvious as we sit down under the fluorescent lights to devour our meals. The level of disregard reaches new highs as sauce is dropped onto tuxedo jackets and silk dresses flow freely over the well-treaded floors of the restaurant. But we couldn't care less as our hunger is satiated with one of the most tasty, albeit probably least healthy, options out there. 

When we finish eating, we quickly may our way into a taxi where we erupt into childish giggles at our antics and declare that it was far better than it ever could have been staying at that gala. I wonder if there'll be any ramifications for Theo for having left his father's gala so early but he doesn't seem to convey the slightest bit of concern. He has that boyish grin on his face, with the creases appearing by his squinted eyes as he laughs and his cheeks flushed like peaches. It is moments like these that the reality of his age shines through, with the furrow of his brows which often accommodates his forehead and the responsibility that weighs down his shoulders usually suggesting further years behind him. I don't want anything to burst this bubble and send us rapidly back down to reality, with comfort having finally seeped into our relationship following our riff,  so I allow any curiosities to float away. 

Once we arrive at Theo's apartment, not wanting to go back to mine since Jess was home tonight, we make our way through the door with the laughter suddenly subsiding and a silence building now that we are finally alone together. Though I had thought we would catch up and talk over the last few days, at least at first, in the privacy and darkness of his apartment giggles had quickly turned into something vastly different with the longing which had cultivated over our days apart erupting within a few mere seconds of silence. Fervent longing takes over as Theo pulls me closer, our hands desperately running over each other's bodies and our lips colliding. Theo's tuxedo jacket is quickly shrugged off and thrown to the floor, my hands running over his biceps as they slide the jacket down his arms while he kicks backwards to slam the door shut behind us. 

My hands next make their way to his bow tie, undoing it and using it to pull his head down to mine for our lips to rejoin. His own hands weave through my hair, holding me close and tight as though to ensure I can't possibly escape. We ease ourselves further into the apartment, my preoccupation with his lips on mine rendering me incapable of grasping my surroundings. In a bid not to sink into dizziness as we move ourselves around, I briefly tear myself away from Theo to guide us. Making my way in the direction of his couch, I am quickly interrupted by the tug of his arm pulling me back to him as he slowly shakes his head. 

With my body pressed tightly against his and his mouth resting beside my ear, the cold touch of air against my skin sends goosebumps lifting across my skin as he whispers. 

"Not that way."

Each hand of his finds its place on one of my hips so that he can swiftly turn me around, my back now firmly pushed back against his torso. He begins guiding us forward in the direction of the hallway, the salt of the fries still lingering on my lips as my teeth gently tug on my bottom lip in response to the simultaneous wet journey of his lips down my neck. I barely keep my eyes open as he leads me past the only door I had opened in this hallway, the bathroom, to the one that awaits right after it. With his right hand taken off of my hip, he turns the handle and pushes the door open to reveal a bedroom which I can only assume is his.

The incandescent light peeks around the edges of the curtains, blanketing the room with a blue glow. As we ease into it, the contact between our bodies never ceasing, we don't dare interrupt the connection between his lips and my skin by stopping to turn on the lights; the combination of light from the moon and the city peeking through the thin curtains our only source of light. The moonlight draws out the already blue tones that cascade his room:  the soft grey of a feature wall and his bedsheets, the charcoal of his fabric bedhead, the navy of his quilt cover. 

While we try and navigate ourselves around the room, all while simultaneously never losing contact, I'm tempted to look around this room I've surprisingly never been in before; our interactions isolated to his living area each time. However, now is hardly the time for me to conduct an analysis of his room with our bodies tightly wound around one another. With the way each touch of my skin has me feeling, I could care less; not wanting to interrupt the flow established between us.

Our pace suddenly slows as I feel his hands leave my waist and lightly linger over the straps which cascade across my back. While his lips still attempt to make their way over my neck, his hands are simultaneously easing the straps of my dress down my shoulders. However, he ultimately needs his whole attention as his fingers come to delicately unweaving the straps which hold the back of my dress together. Shivers run down my spine as his fingers brush against my skin with each strap pulled out from every clasp like a maze. Once the final string is undone, the top half of the dress pools at my hips before Theo delicately tugs at the fabric so that it quickly collapses to the ground around my feet. 

I step out of the dress and turn around to close the gap between us, the warmth of his touch keeping the goosebumps from arising across my skin as I stand there in just my strapless bra and underwear. My shape-wear is to be removed next but I'm all too aware of the difficulty of removing it, so I spare Theo the challenge and squeeze out of the shorts myself. Feeling that the scales are incredibly uneven, my fingers quickly move to the buttons of his shirt, undoing each one until I can finally push the shirt down his arms to join my dress on the floor. As our lips join once again, his hands undo the buckle of his belt before he shrugs his legs out of his pants and kicks them away. He breaks away from me for only a second to take a small step forward and take my hand in his to lead me to his bed. He sits on the beds edge before pulling me down beside him before he gently eases me backwards which each kiss so that I am eventually lying back with my head resting atop the soft assortment of pillows he has at the head of his queen sized bed. 

As his body hovers over mine, the veins appearing on his arms as they hold him above me, I pull his head down to mine; my fingers instinctively intertwining with the strands of his hair as though they are declaring that they won't let him disappear again. My body has established a familiarity with Theo's and the longing apparent tonight is proof enough that I don't want him leaving my life anytime soon. 

His teeth grasp my bottom lip, tugging at it before it is released and his head begins easing down my body. His head sinks into my cleavage, the deep cut of my strapless bra leaving a valley for his lips to fall into. As my fingers continue to weave through his hair, the once rigid threshold of his classically-styled hair is now broken as I tug through it with each sensation that rushes through my body. He continues to pepper the rest of my torso with kisses, his lips covering the numerous beauty marks which cover the span of my chest and torso; moving from each spot as though he is drawing the lines of a constellation across my skin. My legs, which are firmly wrapped around his body, tighten their hold with each tingle that rushes across my skin from his touch. 

For some reason, things feel different between us. It might be the short time away from each other, after practically being tied to each other for weeks on end, but there is a new level of longing there that has us both messily indulging in one another. It feels as though we had reached the threshold of our physical relationship. As his fingers linger by the lace trims of my underwear, looking up to me for approval, I know that I have to interrupt before anything more happens; before we advance to the obvious next step. 

"Wait." I interject. Theo immediately looks up to me again but with alert this time, his eyes wide as his hands remain frozen on my hips. "I have to tell you something."

"Yeah?" he questions, his typically furrowed brows returning. As the words remain stuck within me and he patiently awaits an explanation, he removes his hands from my body and moves back to rest on his knees which still sit on each side of me.

"I have a feeling I know where things are going and I just need you to know that I'm not ready to go all the way there." I tell him, very aware of my inability to just come out and say that I'm not ready to have sex with him. Sex. Just another word. 

"Right. Okay." he succinctly responds, leaving little for me to gather from his expression.

"I'm not a virgin." I quickly elaborate, knowing that he'll likely assume it.

"Oh... okay. I didn't want to intrude. That's your business." he explains, hands up in defence.

"Thanks... I just haven't exactly slept with anyone in four years or so...  so yeah." I manage to admit, biting down firmly now on my bottom lip as I await a response. 

"Oh. Four years?" he simply responds. 

With the curiosity very clearly peaking in him, as though a light bulb has flicked on in his mind, the chances of us moving past this and back to more pleasurable things have clearly diminished. 

"Uh yeah. I don't know if I've ever mentioned my ex Sam?" I check. 

Nodding, he confirms. "You have, briefly".

"Well, he was the last and the only guy I've slept with."

He nods again, slower this time as he seemingly ponders over the new information. God, these nods are driving me crazy. I just want to know what the hell is running through his mind right now. 

"Is it okay if I ask if there's a particular reason?"

So he's curious. Interesting. That's better than completely disinterested or worried.

"That's fine. You can ask," I assure him, nervously picking at my nail beds. He moves his body off of mine and sits beside me now as he awaits the explanation. 

"Nothing horrible happened. I just rushed into it before I was actually ready. He didn't push me or anything. I just kept waiting to feel something more and it never came around. And then I sort of had a pregnancy scare, which just turned out to be a late period because I was stressing out about everything. So, my mind's defensive strategy has kind of been to avoid sex and I've been pretty good at it. It helps when I've only gone out with two other guys since then." I ramble, embarrassed by the end by what I had ultimately let spill out of my lips. Geez, I didn't have to go into quite so much detail. 

Processing my explanation for a short moment, Theo finally nods once the cogs in his brain seem to have completed their churning. He lifts his hand and moves it to mine, intercepting the fingers which nervously pick at the skin around my nails before giving me a reassuring timid smile. 

"Look Ella, despite what every teen drama would have you believe, people can function without having sex. I mean, lord knows we've proven in the last few weeks that there's certainly more out there to do."

I miserably chuckle, knowing that Theo is right but also that my anxieties and what the world suggest are actually far more complex. 

"I know," I assure him, "and it's not like I haven't done anything. I guess there was just a decent amount of time between me being with Sam and the next person who showed any interest in me and who I dated. And other than with you, casually hooking up hasn't exactly been something I've been interested in. More simply, it hasn't happened. So it's been a while and it'll just take me a little longer to be ready."

God, I've actually made it sound so simple. But there's definitely a few things I'm leaving out. Most importantly, I've left out a bigger part of the equation which is  that part of the issue is that on some level I need to feel that Theo is worth stressing myself out over. I need to decide whether I'm ready to confront the possibility of sex, my anxieties and my self-consciousness for him. That's what Jess had been droning on about- I was yet to find someone worth it even after dating them unlike Theo. Derek perfectly illustrated this. So, could Theo be worth it? Did I trust him enough?

"Look, it's been a bit since I've slept with anyone either. I mean, I haven't slept with anyone in the time that I've known you. But it's not a big deal. No one thinks you're a better adult or not if you're sleeping with someone: at least I'd like to think people don't. No one has a fucking clue and it doesn't stop our lives from being just as meaningful." he remarks, making valid points which I may otherwise point out to someone else but couldn't fully accept for myself. 

"I've never been in a serious relationship." he continues, biting down on his lip with hesitation clear on his features as he divulges on something he must not admit often. "I've never been in love with anyone. Do you think that make me any less of an adult? Less worthy?"

 I shake my head, not wanting to admit that I've pondered over his lack of experience before and on numerous occasions. In fact, it had been something which concerned me and had been brought up by Damon. But now, in the context of this discussion, is when I truly realise how much of a hypocrite I am. 

"No." I answer.

"Then stop giving yourself a hard time for this." He tells, squeezing my hand in his. "We don't have to push ourselves. When you're ready, I'm ready."

"Thanks."

He chuckles, but not in a mocking way. He's not condescending, he's not taking pleasure from my misery. He's genuinely looking at me like I am endearing as he lifts his hand from mine to cradle the right side of my face in it. "You don't need to thank me for not being a dick. It's truly nothing Ella." he tells me, as I find myself leaning into his touch.

I wonder if he's going to kiss me now, his eyes flickering down to my lips as questions of continuing with anything seemingly arise in each of our minds. Suddenly, these questions are answered as his touch departs my skin and he drops his hand, instead leaning over my body to reach out for his button up shirt which lays discarded on the floor next to his bed. "Here. I don't want you to be cold."

As I accept the shirt and slip it on I know that our conversation had officially closed the door on anything more happening between us tonight. 

"Thanks." I tell him as the smell of his cologne that still lingers on the fabric envelopes me.  The concoction of cool tones and potentially vanilla is intoxicating and I wonder whether males have the same reaction to our perfumes as we do to our scents, because right now I'm tempted to lift the fabric closer to me to inhale it. 

"Wait here one second. I'll be right back." he instructs as he suddenly jumps off of the bed, breaking me out of my peculiar train of thought. He rushes out of the room before I can say anything, the sound of cupboard doors opening and closing soon following his departure. 

I take the opportunity to finally look around his room and get a greater peek into what he's like. The bedroom is always the final insight into what a person is really like, with the living area often being a bit more perfected and generalised for the sake of spectators. However, as I would have suspected, everything is as put together in here as it is out there. Despite sharing the apartment with a roommate, albeit a rather vacant roommate, Theo had not succumbed to the need to have his bedroom as his personal refuge in neatness. Not a piece of clothing other than those just now discarded litter the floor. The slightly ajar door of one of his wardrobes reveals a well organised assortment of clothing and the relatively well maintained sheets that survived our movements across the bed suggest that it was made; which is more than I can say for my own on some occasions when Theo has visited. 

The room isn't cluttered- instead it is adorned with subtle traces of a person and that which they love. Only two photos can be found in his room. One is of him and a young girl that I presume is his sister Aaliyah on her birthday since a unicorn cake sits before them; unless Theo has some unexpected preferences. While this photo sits on his bedside table, close enough for me to see, the other is a little further away on his dresser and without my glasses I struggle to see clearly. I lift myself up and try to squint, which results in my recognising that the photo is of a young boy and woman which I can only assume is Theo and his mother who he has spoken of with such deep longing and sorrow before. 

I am just about to lift myself from the bed and walk over to the photo to get a better look at a young Theo and the woman who contributed to so much of who he is today when I can hear his footsteps coming closer to the room. Not wanting it to seem like I was snooping, I decide not to proceed with my closer look and stay on the bed. Sure enough, Theo emerges a few seconds later with his hands full. As he comes closer I recognise a bowl of popcorn and some sweets cradled in his arms. 

"What's all this?" I ask as he makes his way back to his bed. 

"Well, I thought we could watch a movie or something. Make the most of the night. And you can't do that without some snacks." he suggests, as he lays out the snacks on the bed right beside me on the middle of the bed. Once it is set down he makes a quick trip to his wardrobe, further exposing the immaculate state of his wardrobe which puts mine to shame, to grab a hoodie which he slides over his head. He then grabs the remote of his bedside table before playfully bouncing back on to the bed beside me, making a few pieces of popcorn bounce out of the bowl. 

As he turns to the television which sits on the wall above his dresser and proceeds to Netflix where we will likely spend far too long searching for the perfect movie to watch, I watch him and think of how I would never have thought this would be how our night would end up. When our hands how been rushing over each inch of each other's skin and our clothes had been pulled off without any hesitation I would never have thought that I'd get to the point where I would confide in Theo about my hesitations and he would actually provide the most comforting response I could have asked for. 

Maybe I had my standards low but Theo couldn't have been more understanding and reassuring than I could have hoped for. We've spoken of our status as friends on numerous occasions but tonight he truly proved his