After this morning's discussion between Jess, Lexi and myself, I find myself standing— enveloped in the dim lighting of my bathroom, staring at my reflection. As I stare I observe my unruly thick hair which I dreaded the need to brush, my blemished skin which featured splotches of pink as part of my natural complexion, and most of all, I instantly noticed the clear sense of regret which had overcome my features.

I had regrettably obliged myself to plans with my sister, Damon, and, unfortunately, Theodore tonight. Now I was left begrudgingly preparing for a night I most certainly was not anticipating. I could almost foresee the utter awkwardness which would overcome us in only an hour or two when I would sit there at dinner trying to suppress my prior thoughts regarding Theodore as well as my anger regarding the situation.

I still had no idea whether he had known who I was as we stood out on that balcony together with only the silence, New York City and us for so long. However, my mind was telling me deep down that surely he had to have known. He was 'seeing' my sister, surely he had heard of me or, if not, could have guessed who I was from what he knew. I also didn't understand why he had concealed his identity as the host otherwise. Whilst an answer to both of these questions would not make me feel any better about the situation, I had this persistent desire for the truth picking at my brain and the curiosity was driving me insane.

Despite the inner turmoil which I had created for myself, with a storm brewing on this dark night both outside and within me, I knew at heart why I had sacrificed myself to my sister's plans tonight. Whilst I had not acted on any thoughts regarding Theodore in the short time which I had known him I still felt an immense level of guilt. I felt that I had betrayed Lexi in the short moment of my attraction to him. It didn't matter if they had, from my knowledge, only been going out for a very short amount of time, or if my feelings did not progress. I felt that I needed to prove that it was all nothing, there it was all no big deal.

Yet, as each other's only siblings, we had shared everything with each other. We were there for each other through every break up and heartbreak, crush, change and happiness. We had latched onto each other throughout our lives together and did not intend to let go. Hence, it all just felt so odd. 

I could still vividly recall the utter misery which Lexi had trapped herself with over and over again when her last serious relationship had ended with a guy called Mason. For quite some time Lexi and Mason had been in an on and off relationship, having been enamoured with one another since the moment they met on one of our dad's building sites. To this day, I could distinctly remember the way that their eyes were locked on each other from the moment we had walked into the on-site office and the way which they had instantly been drawn to each other, not wasting anytime before they would start talking and get to know one another.

There's was quite a quick relationship, labelling themselves as boyfriend and girlfriend within weeks and not being able to be torn apart. But just as their relationship was quick to progress, it was easy to fall apart as many young and new relationships do. One moment they would be inseparable and the next you wouldn't see Mason around for days or even weeks. He would come over and meet the family and then the next moment they would have some fight over what stage their relationship was at or something trivial.

While their relationship was quite difficult to keep up with, I and anyone else could recognise the deep connection which had been established between them and how intensely they cared for each other. When at times we don't see each other for weeks because life just gets too busy I was at ease knowing that he was there for her. That is why when things finally came to an end one last time between the two of them, when Mason said he'd be moving away to see what life had in store besides their tumultuous relationship and that he didn't know for how long, I had to be by my little sister's side and try my best to end her consistent stream of tears and struggle. Just over two years of a relationship had ended in a few short moments and she would need support to get through it.

It took her some time to come to the point where she would decide that she could not let time pass so easily whilst she wallowed and that there was so much more for her out in the world to explore. Since she had come to that decision her social and romantic life has essentially been a consistent stream of uncertainties and change, any sense of stability being diminished from her actions. She would be shifting back from our childhood, and father's current home, in Nassau county New York to the city where she would stay with me or some friends of her. She didn't really work much except when she would pick up some shifts in a couple bars or restaurants throughout the week. Currently, she was taking a gap year from her degree in teaching. 

Whilst these changes in her lifestyle might seem drastic or wrong in some people's eyes, I knew it could definitely have been worse. She just needed to test out life from this new perspective so that she could go on. At least she was still the amazing little sister I had always known and loved so much. We were still as close as ever. So how could I turn her down now over some little attraction? Maybe this was the next Mason?

This was why I didn't want to bring how our prior meeting to Lexi. If it had been anyone else on that balcony with me that night she would have told me to pounce on the opportunity, to go have some fun with this guy and see how things play out. Contrary to her and her much more fluid type, Lexi knows it takes a lot to get me interested. Knowing her and how desperate even she was for me to venture romantically past Derek, I wouldn't be surprised if she ended things with Theodore for my sake. If I told her would she end things with him, making me endlessly have to worry about how things would have played out had I not intervened? Would she continue to see how things go with him? Would Theodore find out?

I couldn't allow myself to continue with this rapid path into insanity all because of a little crush. I also, most certainly, couldn't continue with this craze over what 'would' or could happen. I knew that if I was going to turn this situation around I would have to grip on hard to the steering wheel of my metaphorical car called my life as it slid in mayhem over the ice with the hope that I could get it back on track. I had only just departed one area of uncertainty with Derek and did not intend on returning to that abyss anytime soon.

Deciding that I would attempt to forget about Theodore and any confusion which he had stirred within me, I looked upon tonight with a new outlook. Rather than seeing it as a situation in which I would be confronted with Theodore and a reminder of the negative, I would look at tonight as an opportunity. An opportunity for Lexi to explore herself further and for me to explore someone who had deserved more attention, Damon.

Damon was truly a charming person from what I had gathered in the short amount of time I had spent with him. He seemed kind, attentive, and certainly attractive. Whilst I had not felt that instant spark with him as I had with his mysterious counterpart, I had promised myself that I would leave the restrictions of my previous relationship with Derek and explore both the freedom and opportunities of this single life. That involved playing things out with Damon, someone who was actually happy to wear his emotions and intentions on his sleeve, letting me know from the instant we meet about his interest in me.

Tonight, I would make it about Damon and if not about him then most definitely about me. A night out, a chance for me to live life like a person of my age should. As I run my brush through my hair and then let my curling wand glide through it, twirling it through my chocolate tresses so as to perfect the style of waves I had grown so fond of as opposed to my naturally bushy mayhem, it was not for Theodore it was for me. As I ran my fingers past the contents of my wardrobe, searching for the perfect parts to compose my outfit for tonight, I was looking to impress myself and no one else. And after I changed into this outfit, when I adorned my face with the type of light makeup which I prefer to use, it was to give myself the break and refreshment that I had long needed.

Tonight, for once, I would simply let myself relax and, frankly, be selfish. I would attempt to put a halt on any worries or thoughts regarding anyone else but me. I would simply try to enjoy myself and live life like any other person in their early twenties would.

I looked at the mirror one last time before I left my room to check how I had done with my preparations and I was quite satisfied with myself. It had been quite some time since I had last gotten myself all dressed up and I had been filled with a combination of anxiety and anticipation. Anxiety in that I worried that I wouldn't even remember how to do anything other than a loose bun or simply brushing my hair, let alone remember how to dress appropriately or do my makeup for a night out. Anticipation because I used to quite enjoy the whole process, especially when I first started going out, and would look forward to making myself feel special again.

I stared back at myself and found a stark contrast to what had stood in front of me earlier in the night. Gone was the inconsistency of my face with its combination of pale white and pink patches skin. Now all that could be found was the smooth finish of my foundation, concealer and powder painted on my skin, the only pink remaining being that of the blush which adorned my cheeks subtly. I had successfully removed majority of the frizz which usually could be found with my hair, replacing it with silky waves which cascaded down my back thanks to the help an array of hair products.

Most notable of all, I was no longer wearing a loose pair of track pants with a plain tee, and I most definitely wasn't wearing the comfortable pair of pyjamas which sat on my bed waiting to be put on as they usually would at this time of the night. Instead, I had searched through the overwhelming mess of my wardrobe in search of something I could wear 'out', clothes that wasn't casual or work wear.

After tossing up between numerous outfits to try and determine the perfect outfit for tonight's social setting, clearly struggling with this since my wardrobe was quite literally divided into casual or work/formal wear, I finally found myself satisfied with an option.

I would simply wear a leather jacket over a personal favourite on mine, a wrap dress. Over the last few years I had developed an ever growing obsession with the particular style of dress as I attempted to deal with my insecurities regarding my weight. I knew that I wasn't overweight and that weight truly didn't define a person but I was helpless to the gorgeous standards which surrounded me every day and a life long battle with the scale.

I had fit into numerous categories throughout my life as I attempted to cope with issues of my health and life as well as the opinions of those around me. I had been close to anorexic in my parents eyes, a 'perfect weight', curvy, you name it. Currently, I appeared to fit into the category of 'just right', according to my close friends and family.

My Baba (the name for grandmother in Serbian which I was through only my maternal grandmother's side) would always push me to eat, repeating 'eat Elizabella, eat' until I would have to remind her that I wasn't that hungry and didn't need anymore weight. For years she had told me that I would grow out of the weight which sat in spots a teenager did not want it to, making sure to use my full name in a serious tone as she always did so that I knew she was dedicated to her mission.

To this day, she'll say that I'm the perfect weight, that the most beautiful a girl can be is when 'she have some meat on her bones'. As much as I would try to believe that, every time I stood in front of my mirror in only my underwear as I got dressed I couldn't help but be insecure. Whether it be my love handles; my thighs which most definitely didn't have a gap between them; or even my breasts, which Lexi and Jess would always tease that they wished they could steal as I currently sat at a D cup size, I didn't feel completely satisfied with what I had at all times. Some days would be good, I'd feel confident and happy with my body; putting all my worries and insecurities away. Other days I would start looking into the best exercises and diets out there for me to start on. I was a mess but then again I imagined I wasn't the only one out there who faced this bipolar attitude in regards to their weight and confidence.

On the days when I was being superficial and insecure for some strange reason, a wrap dress or any flowy dress was my saviour. If I was feeling confident regarding my natural chest assets the tying of a wrap dress in a particular way provided me with the platform to highlight them. If not, I could simply hide them away sufficiently through the tightening of the ribbon. Regardless of whether the curves around my hips and waist were worrying me, a wrap dress hid away what lied beneath enough that I wouldn't need to think about it but not so much that I had no shape at all.

It was clear to me and everyone who knew me that these dresses were my latest obsession. They were perfect for most situations, most definitely including this one. I had decided that tonight would be one of the those nights where the ribbon of my dress would possibly be tied a little looser. I was newly single, looking to relax a bit more and had decided to live up to the cliche statement which embellished the type of shirts my mum used to wear: 'if you've got it, flaunt it'.

Who I was trying to impress, I wasn't exactly sure. I could try and tell myself that I was entirely trying to just please myself but even I could recognise that it wouldn't be completely truthful. Nevertheless, the part of my intentions which was trying to impress me was most definitely satisfied, triggering a sense of happiness and anticipation inside me which I hadn't felt so far about this night.

On that note, I picked up every thing I needed to take with me tonight from my bedside tables where it waited and went to go leave my room to find Lexi. I had assumed she would still be getting ready and potentially be running late as she usually did but to my surprise as I opened my door I was shocked to find her waiting right in front of my door. In response to her startling of me and eerily close proximity I jumped back from both the door and Lexi and had to take a second to calm myself down.

"You okay there?" Jess checked in, her facing conveying an expression border-lining both amusement and genuine worry.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I just wasn't expecting you to be there." I answered, continuing to try and slow down my breathing. As I stood there trying to get my heart beat to return to normal I took a moment to finally get a good look at Lexi. To my surprise Lexi seemed to be ready to leave as she stood there in front of me. Her hair and makeup was done, outfit on and bag in stow.

"You're actually ready?" I asked in pure amazement. This was one of those scarce moments that very few in Lexi's life had the pleasure of encountering and I was thankfully one of them. I felt the persistent need to put on my best David Attenborough voice and announce to the world 'And here we are, watching as the unique creature Alexis Adams performs an unusual act which differs from her natural actions in this habitat. It appears that the wild creature was not running late for once'.

"Yep." she replied matter-of-factly, her face beaming proudly and raised high as she announced this. As she exuded this pride my thoughts shifted between me continuing to be quite proud and pleased with Lexi's prepared nature tonight, and me wondering if maybe she was acting this way because of Theodore.

"Come on Elle. We got to get a move on. We're gonna be late if we don't leave soon." she complained, the irony of the situation both amusing me and slightly irritating me as I recalled the many times the roles had been reversed and I had to give her the same lecture, albeit in more serious situations as well.

Not wanting to annoy her though, as I had indeed been in her shoes on quite a few occasions, I simply obliged- letting her know I was ready and following her out the door after bidding Jess farewell. Once we got into my car, with Lexi not having come to Brooklyn in her own car but with me after visiting our dad, she would skim through her messages to try and find the name and address of the restaurant at which we were to have dinner. Upon trying to get a glimpse of the name from her screen I was relieved to find that the location for tonight's outing was only a short drive away in Brooklyn as well, but also intrigued upon finding that Lexi had Theodore down in her phone as just that; Theodore and not 'Theo'.

Brushing aside these thoughts as tonight was meant to be a night in which my mind was free of curiosities regarding Theodore, I put in the address Lexi gave me and we were on our way to our destination and were actually on time. In just a few short moments we had arrived and were pulling up on the side of the road in front of a trendy yet cosy little cafe/bar which seemed to be our location for the night. As I checked to see if the car in front of me was leaving or parking as like I was, I stared intently at the person inside to try and make a guess based on their behaviour of what they would do. It appeared that they were parking too so I moved to shift the car into parking mode.

However, as I lifted my head to look at my surroundings before attempting to exit my car it was only then that I regretted not thinking about who it was in the car as well as what they were doing. Because as soon as the person left the confines of their car, as I intended to do in a few mere moments, I was drawn to them only to regrettably and surprisingly find Theo to be this person I felt a strange pull to with their graceful moves and sense of sophistication regarding his style and choice of luxurious vehicle.

And it appeared that I wasn't the only one to have an instance of undesired recognition as while I continued to stare in dismay at the figure which I had so easily and strangely been drawn to I would eventually be met with the returned gaze of his mesmerising oceanic eyes, drawing me in from even metres away. Once I had noticed his gaze I instantly turned away, reminding myself that I would ignore him and any sense of attraction with every fibre of my body, only to find Lexi sitting there on her phone having thankfully not recognised mine or Theodore's stares.

She was oblivious and yet I still felt a sense of regret begins to overcome me. As I prepared to leave the car and be forced with the presence of Theodore, with Damon