Song of the chapter:

Real Friends by Camila Cabello

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I've always thought of myself as quite an introverted individual. I thrive in solitude, as long as something hasn't activated my overthinking trait. I could go a whole day by myself, not talking to anyone nor finding myself in dire need of company. I would have my nose burrowed in my latest literary obsession or occupy myself with the lives of television characters.

That was until right now.

I lay on my bed, staring emptily up at the ceiling, hiding away from the world and enveloped within the silence. I'm left worrying how long this silence shall continue with my relationship with Jess, my closet friend, currently facing turmoil. I don't dare to walk outside the four walls of my bedroom lest she return without me knowing and we have to awkwardly face each other, or worse, possibly worsen our conflict.

So I cower behind the barrier of my bedroom walls, letting myself imagine the worst possibilities as I stare up at the white of my ceiling, now longing for the socialisation I had previously taken for granted.

I wonder, will Jess and I get through this?

I know that I may seem to be panicking over a truly minuscule matter but that wasn't the case. Though this conflict between Jess and myself had occurred quite rapidly and over a trivial matter it was still significant to the both of us as over all of our years of knowing each other and being friends we had truly experienced little disagreement.

Sure, there would be times when we truly weren't in the mood for the others presence or specific behaviour but we would simply give ourselves some time alone to recoup. When we felt better and had resolved our inner issues then we would spend time with one another once again.

It was ideal. We both absolutely despised conflict. If I'm being honest, I'm a bit of a coward, while Jess didn't have the patience for it. That was why us living together was perfect. We had been warned of living with a close friend as it was the ultimate test of one's friendship, a win or lose situation, but we proved successful. If one did something to irritate the other, such as being a control freak or leaving items scattered around the apartment, then we would simply inform the other of what we found irritating and come to an agreement in relation to a solution.

I guess the kryptonite of our friendship would have to be the discussion of our romantic lives and the decisions relating to it. It seemed ridiculous, that what we would finally fight over would be my romantic life, but apparently it was my breaking point.

Jess truly cared for me, I know that with every fibre within me. As I do for her. With this caring came an interest in the matters of each others lives. There usually wasn't much happening in my life to be interested in but Jess would still find something. Usually I don't mind.

However, as I find myself truly confused over the state of things in my life and with my emotions, lost in what was both a stagnant and uncertain point in my life, I could also see that my patience was wearing out. That was how I ended up a ticking time bomb that Jess had detonated this morning.

Maybe I was being too defensive or sensitive. But was it so wrong for me to ask for some space when it came to the particular topics which were discussed? Surely it wasn't so horrible that I refrained from immediately disclosing this one thing, that I was irritated by her constant need to know everything that occurred within my life.

But then I ponder over how I would feel if the roles had been reversed. Jess and I had grown up together- shared every crucial moment, good or bad, together. I couldn't imagine my life without her. Maybe we had just established this consistent level of sharing throughout our friendship and I had ignored it in a moment of me being ashamed?

What would I do if Jess had things happening in her life that she was keeping from me? Well, Jess certainly had a more eventful personal life so any occurrences were slightly less pivotal to her than the rare occurrences within my life. I'm not the most courageous individual so I probably wouldn't say much until things progressed to an unavoidable degree, letting my insecurities build up until I have to bring it up.

Thinking about how I would feel and what I would do if the roles were reversed allows me to realise that I should probably resolves matters with Jess. Our disagreement was foolish to say the least. Certainly not worth throwing away a life long friendship over, no matter how irritated either of us were.

Now comes the hard bit: reconciling. I've always found it so incredibly awkward and don't know what to do.

While I'm quite the pushover in terms of doing things for others, sacrificing things for others on multiple occasions, when it comes to disagreements I am slightly stubborn. That stubbornness means that I rarely admit that I am completely at fault for anything, always finding a 'but' in the situation that halts me from apologising the right way.

Right now I am honestly too concerned to be worrying over my scapegoat in the conflict. I just want everything to be resolved so I can keep my relationship with my best friend on good terms; stubbornness be damned.

She just needs to actually come home and then I can attempt to figure out the whole apologising thing. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen for quite some time, allowing my anxiety to boil within me.

It's well past noon when I am stirred out of the nap I had been venturing into by the sound of our apartment door closing. No slam. That's a good sign. Jess is quite an expressive individual so if she was truly enraged then she would have let it be known by slamming that door upon entering.

I swiftly sit up on my bed, contemplating how soon I should exit from my bedroom to confront Jess and whatever mood she might be in. I don't want to bombard her with my presence so I wait a few moments before I lift myself up from my bed. I spy my appearance in the mirror out of the corner of my eye as I go to leave, a sight that is definitely not going to make me feel better at this already horrible point.

I was too exhausted and overwhelmed last night when I had come home that I can't bothered to take off my dress, makeup, anything at all. I remained completely dressed and fell asleep like that, face down on my bed so that now my bed sheets were stained by my makeup and had to be washed. My hair could be likened to the bird's nest which rested in the tree outside my window, my eyes like that of a skunk from the way my mascara had smudged.

Splendid.

At the end of the day I could fix all of that later. Fixing my friendship with Jess was of the highest priority at this point. Plus, it wasn't like I had anyone to impress and maybe I'd even gain some sympathy from Jess due to the miserable state of my appearance.

I slowly make my way out of my bedroom and peek through the various spots within our apartment, seeking out Jess. I find her in the kitchen, searching through the multiple bags of groceries she had brought home with her.

The sound of the floorboards creaking alerts her of my presence, her looking up to find me leaning against the doorway and then quickly looking back down at the items before her on the kitchen bench.

"Hey," I almost whisper.

"Hey."

Wow. Well aren't we off to a great start.

"Do you need any help?" I ask, looking for a way to ease back into things with her.

"No, I'm fine," she responds.

Maybe it was too soon. We did only have our argument mere hours ago.

I'm about to turn around and give up on any chance of our reconciliation for the moment when a random shot of determination surges through me upon the sight of a photo of us on a shelf.

No. I am not going to give up that easily. No being a pushover this time.

"Jess, I'm sorry," I declare loudly, gaining Jess' attention as she looks up from the kitchen bench to look at me for the shortest of moments, "It was stupid for me to get so secretive and defensive. You of all people don't deserve that kind of treatment."

She seems to be taking a moment to take in my words, considering them for herself.

"I don't want to lose my best friend because I couldn't take discussing the truth from someone who knows me best," I tell her, continuing on so that I might strengthen my cause and interrupt any worrying thoughts going through her head right now. 

"No, Ella," she finally responds, "This one's on me. I took it a step too far this time. I was being too pushy, too nosy. I should have recognised that you needed time and space to think things over without me intruding. It's your life. You should feel free to live it however you please without me interfering."

Now that we have both said what we have wanted to say, we take a moment of silence to take a deep breath and simply look at each other. We take everything in and acknowledge all that had happened in such a short time.

"How about we both admit that we were idiots and call it a truce?" I suggest.

"Sounds good to me," she responds, before walking over to nearly tackle me into a hug.  "Oh and you could never lose me."

Relief instantly washes over me as I am back in my best friend's arms experiencing the familiar feeling of warmth, both internally and externally.

"I know I should probably be a bit more cautious with my words right now but god Elle you look like a mess right now," she comments, biting her lip with slight hesitation and outstretching her arms to take a look over me.

"Oh, don't worry. I know." We both break into a loud outburst of laughter, shaking one another as I take her back in my arms and we giggle in our embrace.

It was clear, more than ever now, that we didn't really do conflict. Peace and humour are far more effective for us.

Screw stubbornness, irritation, any of the useless emotions. If compromise was what I needed to reconcile with my best friend then compromise is what I will do. Because if everything else in my life had to be thrown around in chaos then I was going to fight to have this one source of stability in my Jess.

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Sisters before misters!

Sorry just had to add that. Hope you enjoyed this little break into friend land!

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TheFictionDreamer

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