Disclaimer

Parts of this review have graphic language and descriptions of sex. Enjoy, shield your virgin eyes, or flee now. You've been warned.

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While the photograph of a sleeping (or dead...?) woman is nice enough, the image is cold and did little to trigger our imaginations. There isn't much to glean from the cover, though it does have a chicklit/romance vibe.

The title text is way too large and heavy, bleeding off of the margins awkwardly. It simultaneously dominates and unbalances the whole design. The author's name is cramped. Overall, the fonts and text placement need a rework.

While minimalist covers can be appealing in their simplicity, this one didn't really work for us. It has an amateur feel and lacks visual balance.

The title evokes dreams, which seems to correspond with the image of a sleeping woman on the cover. And as far as words go, 'vivid' promises strong feelings. However, we have no idea what we're about to read.

While a short blurb can be effective, this one is far too vague to be either enticing or remotely informative. The only information we're given is that the MC is Canadian and that there is an explosion.

The conflict is lost in general terms, failing to pique our interest ("...something that she didn't even know existed"). Give readers some hints about the universe, the conflict, the character(s). It's not crucial for readers to know the MC's origin, nor that she lives a normal life (granted, you defuse the "normal life" cliché in the next sentence, but then what's the point). Thus, the two first sentences are almost useless. Elaborate a bit on the explosion, maybe, and do elaborate on the "something" Moxie is caught in.

As is, the blurb would not make us open the book.

HOOK

The idea behind the hook is good--a character's mundane routine disrupted by an extraordinary event. However, the execution lacks strength.

To begin with, the whole first paragraph could/should be written in preterit. The pluperfect creates a distance that keeps readers away when the first lines should draw them into your story. More direct, active verbs would help too ("she took a blistering hot shower..." or "she ate/devoured/nibbled a nutella toast..." for example)

The repeated "her" is unnecessary, thus heavy, as the habit is obviously hers and is made clear by the repetition of "like she always did". However, the repetition wore thin after the third instance (three is the magic number). No need to put the boot in.

Oliver: "The 'quad-shot cortado' may lose some readers. I personally had to google the terms to understand that Moxie has zero taste regarding coffee."

Fay: "As a Canadian, I can attest to our nation's terrible taste in coffee in general. I bow my head in shame."

The sentence about the explosion could/should be much more powerful than it is. It is the real hook after all. The mention "...that shook the earth beneath her feet." is to blame. It reads like the explosion is four blocks away and that Moxie can only feel the tremors (kinda lame) while, reading further, it seems that Moxie took the full blast (gripping). Clarify, make this sentence like a punch in the stomach. For it to be effective, maybe cut out the very first sentence of the story (which is not original and passive anyway) and shorten the explosion one, make it more active.

Fay: "Nutella AND peanut butter? Between this and her taste in coffee, I don't trust Moxie."

Oliver: "I second that. What kind of monster does that?"

Sal: "I can't get the image out of my head whenever I look at the Nutella glass now. *Shudder*"

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GRAMMAR AND SYNTAX

Your grammar was very decent, but you know us...

There are some tense issue here and there (not mentioning your choice for chapter three). For example: 'But she couldn't have fathomed that this was where her soul had gone': Since we were just discussing Moxie's spiritual beliefs in past tense, this last sentence is weird. She either couldn't have fathomed this before her soul arrived there, or she can't fathom it now that her soul has arrived.

There are also a few repetitions and redundancies. For example: "...as he pulled a cracked smartphone from his pocket. 'My phone is broken.'" "Cracked smartphone" and "my phone is broken" is both repetitive in terms and redundant for readers. A simple "Dammit" from Xavier and him pocketting the phone would have conveyed the same idea.

Watch out for your adverbs. There are too many of them, and even if some may be useful, most are vague and/or useless ("chuckles darkly" is particularly bad). Adverbs can/should usually be replaced by more precise description to improve comprehension and avoid inelegant, clunky phrasing.

Throughout the text, we also notice that some actions are described in the wrong logical sequence, or grouped together even though they did not connect, or were the wrong action entirely when taken in context. On the surface, many of these sentences make sense, if skimmed--but when we looked at them with any measure of attention, so the inconsistencies lept out at us. For example:

- 'Moxie's breath caught in her throat as she raised her head, almost in slow motion': We understood that Moxie's breath caught in her throat because of the scenery, but the building of the first sentence indicates that it's because she raised her head in slow-motion. Especially when the next sentence isn't directly about the scenery itself. The logical construction should be something like: head raising, face wafted, breath caught, then scenery description.

- "Moxie finally ran out of air, choking on her throat and drawing a deep ragged breath." This line struck us as a bit odd. Firstly, 'Breath caught in one's throat' isn't really the same thing that 'stopped breathing'. It's more like a shocked paused in breathing. So it seems strange that 'she ran out of air'. Secondly, 'choking on her own throat' makes no biological sense. Finally, 'running out of air' and 'drawing in a breath' are contradictory actions. The later should be a consequence of the former. In your sentence, they're concomitant (because of the gerund used).

- She vaulted over the counter at the sight of the twisted bus" would flow more naturally for her to sight the overturned bus, then vault in reaction.

Finally, you overuse dialogue tags. Sometimes, they're not proper tags ("she breathed"). Sometimes, they're not needed at all (in dialogue, when it's clearly a back and forth between characters). But most of the times, they could and should be replaced by action tags.

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PoV ISSUES

The PoV choices in this book are confusing at best. We read three chapters and each one of them seems to be from a different story. Apparent limited third in chapter one, unconvincing omniscient third in chapter two, and finally, close first person in the third. Make up your mind! And if you insist on switching styles around like this (something that should not be done lightly), be sure to have a very solid reason for it.

Chapter One is written in limited third person, past tense, from Moxie's PoV. Except from some filters (she felt, she saw...) and expletives ("there was") creating a distance with the MC and some self-description (like the mousy hair) out of PoV, we didn't spot any major issues.

So far so good, but then came chapter two.

Jumping to another PoV with each new chapter isn't an issue in itself, as long as the change is immediately obvious and consistent throughout the chapter. But chapter two reads as if you couldn't decide whether to write in limited or omniscient third. It's not omniscient because we're limited to the twin's perceptions. But it's not limited because of this double PoV, leading to way too much head hopping between Alias and Xavier.

This was very distracting and harmed the flow. We constantly had to reorient ourselves between the twins, never settling long enough to become immersed. A rewrite with only one of the twins as the PoV character is needed and could lead to smoother and more elaborated description of the characters, their feelings and the scenery around them.

In Chapter Three, the PoV suddenly switched to Moxie's in first person present tense. This choice is maybe an attempt to make the sex scene more intense, more intimate for readers (which is already debatable), but it has no viable reason story-wise. It's confusing as hell, feels very amateur, and doesn't improve the narrative.

Worse, as often with first person/present tense style, it's far from mastered. Moxie repeatedly breaks the fourth wall to speak directly to readers (and if not readers, who?), only to drop as much info as possible. Her voice is also strangely inconsistent, swinging erratically between the vocabulary of a 14 year old girl and a lusty femme fatale.

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EXPLOSION OR EARTHQUAKE?

After reading three chapter, it's impossible to decide if there was an explosion or an earthquake in Toronto. Despite what the blurb says, both terms are used in the story and beyond that, you use vocabulary from both lexical fields. The event itself is never properly described or discussed. The consequences of it are too extreme for it to be just an earthquake (even a strong one), but with a radius too wide for it to be an explosion.

For example, when Alias says she hope their "shit at home isn't broken", it implies either that the twins live within the explosion radius or that it wasn't an explosion after all. Or maybe that the twins somehow know/have a clue what happened or how it might impact their stuff, which contradicts their vocal ignorance on the matter... Also, what makes them think their stuff is broken? How would they know/suspect this when they don't even bother to decide if it was an explosion or an earthquake?

Mysteries placed at the beginning of a story to be solved later are not an issue, but the lack of investigation from all the MCs is weird. No one is really wondering what happened, including Moxie who accepts her fate of waking up in another dimension rather calmly. No mention to any gas leak or terrorist attack. The twins are more concerned about losing Moxie than the fact the town exploded... And if they knew something like that could have happened, a mention of it, a hint of a menace, whatever it could be, would make some sense.

You could/should describe the aftermath further and let readers draw their own conclusions, and/or you could make your characters as confused as the reader should be (for now, they seem not to give much of a damn about it).

To be honest, for the sake of your story, we hope you actually do know what happened...

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DESCRIPTION AND SCENERY

The descriptions felt pretty lazy. It's a pity when your scenery could have ground the action, support a real suspense, and draw readers in. There is much potential here, it's a pity it's not exploited.

In chapter one, Toronto is totally absent, the story could start in any occidental city. Then, we had one chunk of scenery for the grassy wonderland dropped on us, and that's it. Aside from a few mentions of grass and wind, there wasn't much to transport us into the scene. The three men are not described past their hair and ears.

In chapter two, the scenery continues to be extremely sparse, even more so than in chapter one. This chapter is almost exclusively dialogue. Other characters are mentioned in passing, moaning, pinned beneath things, etc. but we have no idea if there are injuries, carnage, dead bodies--no clue what kind of destruction has inflicted the street, if people are wandering around in a daze--it's all blank. The same goes for the twins' apartment, we have no clue what kind of place they lived in. Was in a rathole or a fancy place? Did they sleep on the floor while equipment filled the rest of the space? This neglect is hard to ignore when you have a setting that would actually be interesting for readers to see, nevermind intrinsic to plot and character development.

It's even worse in chapter three. There is no scenery at all except for a quick mention of a clearing and some grass. It's a dream, so this could allow whatever you want while grounding the scene in something relatable for readers. Like, what time of day is it? Is it warm afternoon, cool evening? Is this forest dense and dark or open and sunny?

Even the characters are blank, which is a shame for a sex scene. Moxie isn't described at all. True, first person doesn't allow self description, but some hints are possible here and there. Furthermore, she could have been described in the previous chapters (especially in the twins's chapter. For example, as they are watching her, they should have had pictures of her in their apartment. Or they could confuse a lookalike victim with Moxie, etc...). Once again, we wonder if it's a deliberate choice, for readers to feel like they're Moxie (PoV Porn), but if that's the case, it doesn't work in a story with developed characters. Something we hope your story is.

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MOXIE'S REACTION TO THE BLAST

Throughout chapter one, Moxie seems rather fine after having been blasted from the surface of the world. When we expect her to be in shock, she's very analytical with a clear thought process.

For example, the sentence "Her first thought [...] from the explosion" felt way too long and elaborated (as well as starting with a massive filter). It's very clinical when Moxie should be panicking or be in a lot of pain, but it's also quite vague ("something" is repeated twice by the way) and minimizing the impact as "fell" fails to express the power of an explosion (or is it an earthquake?).

On that subject, it's unclear if Moxie was far away from the explosion or in the midst of it. Did she see the blast? Hear it? Shouldn't her ears be ringing? If she was hit hard enough to knock her into another world, shouldn't she be experiencing some kind of concussive effects, like partial deafness? Or was it some kind of magic blast that only harmed everyone else, not her?

Fay: "About the spilled coffee: did she just purchase that heinous beverage? Because if anything I know about coffee from a shop is true, Moxie has blisters on her boobs now. I once spilled a cup of Starbucks on my thigh and, yeah... that was fun. So I think Moxie is definitely feeling pain right now."

The scene continues with a full paragraph of info dump where Moxie first say it's logical to be dead after drawing a deep breath and then, states the obvious about the situation not making any sense. This paragraph doesn't add anything to the situation: it doesn't elaborate Moxie's character and dumbs the whole scene down for readers. She should react somehow, rather than just sit there and info dump what is already apparent. A simple "What the fuck" would have worked better.

We did like how Moxie's attention first focused on her spilled coffee, then naturally expanded to take in the strange new environment. She focuses on something trivial (the paper cup), mentioning grass in passing only to realize that she shouldn't be laying on grass. This worked to shed some light on Moxie's coping mechanisms. The brain can sometimes fixate on what it already knows rather than face the big scary problems first. So the fact that she registers the coffee before the landscape makes the line natural, relatable. It's subtle and well done here.

The scenery description is good (even if delivered all in one chunk and hardly elaborated on afterward) and makes us regret the other scenes are so rushed. We also were kind of disappointed not to know what the body of water looks like. Is it a lake or sea shore, what color is it, etc...?

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MOXIE MEETS THE TOGA ELVES

The first thing Moxie describes is the men's outfit. It feels natural, but "Symbiosis of a toga and a sari" may be an issue. Some readers won't know what a sari is