If the artwork used is interesting (we wonder where it comes from and who the artist is), the cover as a whole is rather off-putting. The composition with the bars plastered over the painting and cutting it in half isn't working. It doesn't serve any aesthetic function, the white elements don't blend with the grey background, and the title ends up widely spaced, which is jarring.

Furthermore, the mention of "book 1" is a bit confusing. Is "Perchance to dream" the series title?

All in all, the cover fails to convey any emotion. It doesn't tell anything about the story and only hints romance because the two faces seem about to kiss.

Finally, adding "by" before the author's name looks amateur and is something never needed on a cover. And we're glad to find a pen name, but we're not sure of the initials only choice.

The title is intriguing, even though, like the cover, it says very little about the story. The reference to Shakespeare is bold, but it could work. However, it might elude some readers.

Our opinion of the blurb differed somewhat.

Sal noted: "Overall, the blurb did pique my interest. It was well written for the most part, gave a glimpse at the two main characters without burdening the blurb with faceless fillers, and it gave a hint of a conflict. Not bad if you are interested in that type of mysterious romance."

Oliver and Fay, however, felt that the blurb was rather messy and pointed to a possible Bad Boy/Mary Sue dynamic.

In details:

The opening line, 'He electrified her then disappeared without a trace' adds little, as it is impossible to know who 'he/her' refers to, and if anything reads like a cheesy tagline from a romance movie about an electrician. Furthermore, it has no connection with what follows.

The idea of the internship makes sense but the whole thing, from the said internship to the good-girl-competing-with-wicked-girls, is very cliché. It's also out of PoV to state other characters' motives in a blurb centered around Katherine.

One thing all three of us agree on is the lack of connection between journalism and theater. We failed to see how Katherine attending an off-Broadway production could increase her chances to land an internship at a New York magazine. It needs to be embedded better into the blurb or cut out altogether.

The end of the paragraph about "everything she knows" etc. is vague and does not add anything of real value in the blurb.

The direct reference to Hamlet will fly over many peoples' heads. Oliver had to verify it was indeed a reference for the sentence to make sense, and Fay, indisputably the clever one of the group, didn't get it at all.

The line 'he intoxicates, inspires, and confounds her all at once' feels over the top and vague. In the next sentence, what does illuminating mean? And what 'cryptic obligations'? If it's not important, don't mention anything. If it is, elaborate, make readers want to know more instead of confusing them. The sentence itself is clunky as "his name: Nicholas Phillips" isn't connected to anything grammatically and thus, doesn't make any sense.

"In a city that never sleeps, her dreams are just out of reach": once again, vague and cliché.

The use of future tense in the last sentence is a strange choice. The certainty it conveys kills all conflict presented in the blurb (Katherine won't get the internship but will get Nicholas) and makes the initial hook irrelevant.

Praise for your work is a great ego boost, but placing it in your blurb can backfire by inflating readers' expectations. The blurb should be intriguing enough on its own.

EXTRAS

The part about the origin of the story and the creating process is actually interesting. If elaborated and better written, it could be a decent foreword. The rest is very skippable.

~

HOOK

Stating the date at the beginning of your chapters (some of them anyway) isn't working. First, it's redundant with the mentions "present day" or "one year ago". But more than that, these mentions are way more effective to impact readers. Skimming through the book, it appears that the mentions vanish and the dates remain.

We see two problems with that: 1) it's hard to keep track of dates. Every time a date is indicated, readers will need to pause and look for the previous ones to see where the chapter will fit in chronology. Statements like "one year ago" are direct, simple and avoid breaks in readers' attention. 2) It sets the story in stone regarding the time period. In 10 years, your story will look ancient already. Also, setting a precise date allows readers to fact check everything (like what the weather was like on that date, for example, or on which date Easter fell). When you use exact date and time, it becomes a bit finicky, especially with readers who care about nitpicking that stuff. Unless writing about (or centering the plot around) a specific, well-known event, it may be best to keep the timeline vague.

As casual readers, the opening would have lost us immediately.

The first paragraph/line/word isn't a hook. It's a color. It doesn't make us feel anything or grab our interest. Worse, it raises the immediate question "What are you talking about here?". It takes five paragraphs (even if some were one-liners) to understand what is green, making this first word even less meaningful/powerful.

So, the color is about a man's eyes. But twelve paragraphs about the eyes of a character we've never met, without knowing anything about the I-narrator, isn't a hook. It's too vague, figurative, heavily 'poetic', overwritten... It didn't ground us in a scene or a character. Furthermore, describing eyes with dense romantic prose is an overdone cliche that is best kept to one line. Thankfully the word 'orb' was not used, at least...

We could see this sequence potentially working toward the end of the book to show the MC's obsession, but as an intro into the plot, it didn't fit.

~

GRAMMAR AND SYNTAX

Except for the heavy prose, the chapters we read are rather well written. There are not many blatant mistakes or huge hiccups. However, we noted the following:

Repetition and redundancy:

In the second paragraph, "This mirror should tell me a better story" and "this story has to be better" is repetitive. If it's intended, it doesn't work.

"Hiding truths he refuses to share" is self redundant.

Typo:

"With a lowered my gaze from the mirror": something is amiss there.

Filters:

There were a few filters here and there (predominantly see, watch and hear) that could be replaced with more active expressions, closer to the MC PoV, to pull the readers into the scene. Examples (not exhaustive):

"I watch the steam rise from the dumplings..."

"I see what I spent hours preparing..."

"I hear the rain..."

~

PoV ISSUES

Apart from the mentioned filters, we didn't note any blatant PoV issues. Narrated in 1st person/present, the story is consistently told through the MC's eyes. Good job!

~

INCONSISTENCIES, WEIRDNESS, AND PLOT HOLES

'Once dark brown, my eyes are now green.': This has us scratching our heads. The whole passage about the unknown man's eyes was somewhat confusing and failed to deliver any coherent meaning. Why would the MC see his eyes as her own? Did her eyes change color, literally? Did someone hex her? A few lines later, she speaks of hallucination, which could be an explanation, but we can't be sure. And again, what could '...wanting to have his eyes in me...' possibly mean? If not a metaphor, this is quite disgusting. In any case, this part is disturbing. That, connecting someone's greatness to their eyes, and the later mention of hallucinations... the first paragraph hints severe mental issues for the MC.

In the first chapter, the MC seems very wealthy (room with an ensuite, house, China, Louboutin, etc...) which contradicts the blurb and the fact that the MC is a college student. Even if all this belongs to Nicholas, we're not sure we buy it. Since when are theater actors that rich? This will need some explanation at some point.

'My necessary truth is now undeniable. [...]': why "necessary"? Again, did the color of the MC's eyes changed for real? It is said that she's hallucinating later, but here she talks about "truth". It's confusing.

'I'll be strong for him' feels contradictory when the MC later talks about the need of leaving him. And if "him" is not Nicholas in this sentence, something crucial is missing for comprehension.

'I fall into child pose': Firstly, it took us a while to understand it was the yoga pose you were talking about, but more problematic, you later say she wears a cocktail dress. We're not sure the pose would be comfy. Or even viable, in a dress we imagine to be very fitting...

Nicholas's italicized quotes are completely out of context and thus rather confusing.

Oliver: "Nitpicking, but what kind of menu is this? Chinese/Indian? Who cooked? If the MC is preoccupied with her dark musings, fully dressed up for date night, the food served already--why is it not cold? And champagne with a curry dish? Really? The Frenchness in me is revolting."

Apart from the candle rubbing (it struck us as an odd gesture), the use of the subjunctive, added to the hint of past events, makes this part very confusing. Reading it, we could glimpse a potential backstory or some context for their love story, but it was hard to grasp. And since the MC is waiting for Him, it's unclear why, at this point, they couldn't enjoy the cake.

~

DIALOGUES AND VOICE

Much of the MC's narration in the first chapter felt purple/heavy. Examples:

the description of Nicholas's eyes is just too much (the mention of a god greater than mankind only...) and dragging on several paragraphs. Furthermore, what does it mean for someone to be at their most glorious/finest/worst? This is very vague.

"I scramble up [...] he and I first met."

In chapter 1, the MC's voice is borderline pathetic. Even though the apparent intention is to show the contrast of the MC's personality to later chapters and the havoc the relationship has caused to the MC's mindset, the message itself was hard to decipher and premature. Readers are tossed into a world they don't know, with characters whose struggle means nothing.

~

SCENERY AND PERCEPTIONS

The end of the paragraph doesn't make much sense grammatically (we don't really understand how '...the idyllic possibilities of the night...' could be baked from scratch along with a cake) and mentioning the table's wooden sturdiness feels strange. Otherwise, the description of the dressed table is good, vivid. From there, the style was easier to read and made much more sense. Still, it remains heavy, often purple and emo-dark.

Oliver: "Maybe you should start your chapter here, and get rid of the eyes/visions. I don't buy the eyes vision. I think it doesn't work. Abusive relationships don't need hallucinations to be bad."

We were a bit confused about the house layout. What's with the elevator?

Sal: "The comparison of green eyes to the ocean is something I've come across quite often lately. but I still don't get the image. The ocean for me is blue. I get that is might appear green when you are further out, but it's just not something that I would use as a natural comparison. Green for me reflects forest, maybe moss or grass. I'm also not 100% sure about the golden specs (I always found them more silvery)."

~

CHAPTER ONE SUMMARY

Chapter one had some good moments and atmosphere, but overall was lacking in a few respects. Firstly, we wonder if it begins in the right spot. For an introductory chapter, it was very heavy, dragged on, and did little to help us bond with the protagonist.

The MC's internal monologue over Nicholas felt as if she was under a literal magic spell, or maybe intoxicated. As a realistic narrative of being trapped in a relationship, it didn't feel credible. We were unable to empathize with the MC because we were left wondering about her sanity--which perhaps was intentional--and how she became that obsessed. We couldn't follow her reasoning and found her infatuation with 'Him/Nicholas' to be over the top, almost frighteningly so.

In order to root for the MC, we would have liked to get to know her first. At present, she seems to have lost a lot of her identity. An interesting concept, but again, I might be premature to introduce her in this way since there is nothing concrete of her left. Ultimately, a decision you have to make as the author, but we, as readers, would have liked to see their story start in a different spot. The chapter improved shortly after the MC walked out of the bathroom. The interaction with Nicholas hinted at the fundamental issue of the plot--the total idealization of Nicholas that lead the MC to lose her identity. In itself, not something we find unappealing to read about with the right buildup, but the packaging wasn't working in this chapter.

Another issue we noted was that the scene had no proper climax, no real structure. The MC wanders through her delirium, then the object of her lust/love arrives and says 'hi'. Granted the overtones were ominous and she had plenty of internal monologues, but the mini-plot/story beats of the chapter itself are largely stagnant, with no clear arc. The setup wasn't concrete enough to make us truly worry or care. We had no idea if anyone was in actual danger or if the MC was just going to eat dinner. Overall, tension was lacking.

As a note on consistency and readability, it's perhaps not a great idea to write the first chapter in a style that is different from the rest of the novel. It may work in some instances, but here the style was heavy and the chapter itself too long for readers to breeze through to the next on good faith. Most readers will assume that this is how the entire story is written. As a result, if they dislike the prose, they may end up putting the book down. Alternately, someone who absolutely loves that style might be disappointed to find the book isn't written in this style the whole way through. On a side note, upon skipping ahead to the final chapter, we noted that this scene is continued there. Since that places the events of the dinner in the future, it may be a good idea to turn this 'chapter one' into a prologue.

We suggest perhaps trimming the prose down a bit, to streamline it to better compliment the following chapters. As there is almost nothing actually happening action-wise, the atmosphere and the MC's obsession could be built up easily enough with a shorter, more direct chapter.

Fay: "As a side note, I just wanna say that every time I see the words 'abs' or 'pecs' written into a man's description, especially the very first description we ever get of said man, a tiny part of me dies."

~

CHAPTER TWO SUMMARY

The voice of the MC is stronger in chapter two, her character better introduced. Honestly, it's hard to recognize her as the narrator from chapter one. There is virtually no similarity we could spot and we don't know if this is because the MC changes drastically between point A and point B, or if this is a sign that the author didn't establish her character. In any case, this may harm the story. We didn't connect with the PoV of chapter one, but even if we had, that connection is wasted since chapter two presents an almost entirely different person.

That said, chapter two isn't riveting as such.