TommyInnit the courageous and athletic and handsome and charismatic vigilante, is sick. 

Yes, take a moment - a minute to comprehend. Tommy understands if you are shocked beyond belief; it is truly unbelievable to think that he of all beings would succumb to a puny cold.

"Tommy stop whining."

He sneezes.

"Oh god ew, cover your nose man," Tubbo complains, shying away from the blanketed bundle of germs.

Tommy glares, eyes red, "I'll do it again," He warns.

Tubbo screws up his face in that one expression that is made just for Tommy, it's a mixture of disgust, disappointment, despair and deep ire. Tommy calls it the Quadruple D Expression, or QDE™️ as a quick and simple initialism.

"It's just a spoonful," Tubbo rolls his eyes, nudging the tablespoon forward.

"You're trying to kill me," Tommy declares, lips pursed.

"Not yet," Tubbo smiles, "But you're driving me closer to the edge every second."

"The edge of what?" Tommy sniffs.

"Mass genocide."

Jesus, this guy seriously needs therapy. "You ever tried therapy, big man?" Tommy suggests like the kind person he is. God, Tommy is so kind, so good, such a saint; here he is, on his deathbed, dying, and he's spending his last moments being emotional support for his deranged best friend. No one is doing it like him.

Tubbo stares at him, "That's not a question you should ever ask anyone."

"That's rude," Tommy grumbles, wrapping the blanket tighter around his frozen body.  "I am offended, please leave as you have severely offended me. I am offended," He declares, offended.

Tubbo sighs, widening his eyes, "Can you please just take this? You'll feel better Tom."

What a dirty tactic. Truly disgusting that he would do such a horrible thing.

Tommy scowls, "Don't 'Tom' me you dick I'm not drinking that poison."

"Please? Big man?"

Damn him. Damn Tubbo to hell. The heathen.

"No," He argues.

"Big T?"

" ...No," He pouts.

"Tommy, you're so brave and courageous and cool. But to prove your ultimate strength, you need to drink this. It's the only way."

Now, Tommy knows that is bullshit.

Probably.

It's kind of bullshit?

Maybe.

...It may be bullshit.

He needs to prove his ultimate strength.

"Are you lying?" He mumbles, squinting his eyes at the teenager.

Tubbo shakes his head, "No lies here big man, I just wanna see how strong you are."

Tommy huffs, shivering, "Fine, I'll do it. For strength," He concedes, before adding, "And pogness."

"Not a word."

"Pogness," He repeats.

Tubbo sighs, "Still not a word, now drink it," The boy nudges the spoonful closer.

Tommy looks down at the spoon of brown liquid and scrunches his nose.

" Tommy ," Tubbo says impatiently.

"Wait, I need- I need to prepare myself. I-"

Tubbo shoves the spoon in his mouth and he splutters.

Tubbo smiles, "Wow, great job big man, that's great."

Tommy considers spitting it out just to spite him, but Tubbo might kill him. He swallows the bitter liquid.

"Fuck you," He croaks out.

Tubbo just smiles, "Uh huh, alright big guy, I'm leaving now, Ranboo is making you soup or something I dunno."

"I don't want Ranboob's soup."

"Be nice, I won't stand for you bullying the innocent child."

Tommy scowls, "Then sit down."

Tubbo rolls his eyes, "Hah hah, so creative."

Tommy pouts, "Why are you leaving me?"

Tubbo sighs, "Tommy you know I have to go at some point."

"This is betrayal, this is unacceptable and bad."

Tubbo groans, "You're so fuckin' dramatic."

"Leaving me behind with that tall bitch boy," Tommy continues.

"No Ranboo slander in this household," Tubbo says sternly, "I'll be back soon Tom."

"You won't," Tommy sniffs, "You're leaving forever."

Tubbo pats his head, "You're obviously delirious."

"I'm not delicious you freak," Tommy grumbles.

"Alright, you need to sleep, lay down Tommy," Tubbo orders.

"But- but my fucking nose, it's - it's blocked. I can't breathe. I'm dying," Tommy bemoans.

"Okay, okay," Tubbo soothes, "Here," He says, placing a few pillows behind the other's back, "Sleep propped up like this, and - and you'll be fine."

Tommy looks up blearily, "Don't leave me with slender man."

Tubbo snorts, "You'll be fine. Call me if you need me, I'll be back before you know it."

Tommy sniffs, "You're a terrible, terrible friend."

"Yup okay, see you later dude," Tubbo grins, getting up off the bed and abandoning Tommy to the cruel, cruel world.

Tommy shivers, "This is unacceptable."

_____

" Clementine, I want to do crime," Tommy announces to the fish.

Clementine stares at him, "No."

"But Clementine, crime pogchamp."

"No, bad Tommy."

"Yes Tommy."

"No Tommy."

"Yes Tommy."

"Um Tommy? I've brought you soup?" Ranboob peaks into the room unsurely, glancing between the bedridden boy and the goldfish.

"I'm having an important discussion at the moment, we'll have to reschedule," Tommy coughs, waving off the boy.

"With... Clementine?" Ranboob tilts his head, eyebrow raised.

"Yes, Clementine says no to crime," Tommy glares at his daughter. Clementine blows a bubble and Tommy gasps, "How bloody dare you?"

"I thought you were a vigilante?" Ranboob frowns, "Don't they, like, stop crime," Ranboob pauses, "Albeit, illegally."

"Yes, but I want crime now."

"Can you please drink your soup?"

"No."

"But Tubbo said-"

"Tubbo isn't here and you have no authority over me. This is my house now bitch," Tommy declares through a particularly intense coughing fit, voice rough.

"It's actually an apartment," Ranboob retorts. Tommy rolls his eyes.

"Okay Ranboob," He says, continuing even as the other teenager goes to protest, "Well it doesn't matter, you can't control me. You can't force me to eat your soup. I am TommyInnit and I am a big man-"

"I could just call Tubbo?" Ranboob suggests.

Tommy knew it. This guy is an actual satan spawn in disguise. He's pure unadulterated evil.

"That's blackmail."

Ranboob hums, "Is it? I think it's just gentle, emotional manipulation? I don't really know, it's more Tubbo's area than mine to be honest."

"Don't call Tubbo."

Ranboob takes out his phone, "Uh huh, are you going to drink your soup?"

Tommy stares, then he glances down at Clementine. Help me , he prays to his one and only true friend in this cruel, cruel world. Clementine does a twirl.

Okay, Tommy can work with this.

It's time for a Pro Gamer Move™️.

"Ok," He concedes, "I'm gonna drink your fuckin' ass soup."

"I assure you there's no ass in it, absolutely none," Ranboob smiles, a confused look in his eyes, handing over the soup.

There's definitely ass in that soup.

"Alright, I'm gonna drink this soup," Tommy sighs, taking the bowl and spoon. "Go write a book or something, I dunno what the fuck you do."

"I don't... write books?"

"What are all them diaries doing around the place then?"

Ranboob pauses, "They're not- I'm not - It's not for writing books . It's for um, like notes- note taking. Of what I learn, with Tubbo."

"Uh huh, sure big guy," Tommy squints at him, "Do me a favour and name your first book 'How to sex' by TommyInnit, thanks."

"I'm not doing tha-"

"Thanks, I really appreciate it big man. So happy you'd agree."

Ranboob stares at him. Oh god, he's developing the look. The QDE™️ look.

Well, it was only a matter of time really.

"You know what," Ranboob sighs, "Sure I'll do that."

"Poggers," Tommy grins.

"I'm gonna go watch the newest ep' of WandaVision. Drink your soup and have a nap," Ranboob orders, tiredly.

"Of course," Tommy agrees.

Ranboob narrows his eyes, "Don't do anything... that Tubbo would do and don't do anything you would do, and um, don't do anything that you or Tubbo wouldn't do... find the little grey area in the middle of all of that."

"You're sayin' a lot of words, stick man," Tommy mumbles, "I'm gonna be good, I promise."

Ranboob nods, once then twice, "Good, good," He repeats, "I'm gonna check on you like, every  five minutes."

"Your lack of trust wounds me," Tommy says, placing a hand on his heart.

"Please, just do what sick people do and rest," Ranboob sighs, walking back out the door.

_____

Tommy would like to state that Ranboob never excluded Clementine from his little grey area.

Clementine always has brilliant ideas, and there's a lot of things that she will do.

What Tommy is doing right now, is not one of them.

" Clementine shhh," Tommy hushes her as he scales the apartment building. "You're such a bad sidekick."

Clementine swims quickly in the bottle.

"Oh my god ," Tommy groans, "Look I'm sorry, your plan was just stupid. Why would I stay in bed all day? It's crime time baby."

Clementine stares at him.

"Listen, I could have left you at home," Tommy grumbles, "I'm being so nice to you right now."

Clementine blinks.

"Okay that's just fuckin' rude. Listen, we're gonna have fun. The night has just begun my daughter," Tommy grins, "Also, I am not drinking that shitty soup, why was there spaghetti in it?" He shudders.

Tommy lands on his feet, legs shaking. The world blurs for a second and he stabilizes himself against the wall.

"Shut up Clementine, it's crime time, and nobody stops crime time."

_____

"Yeah dude, I'm gonna need to see your hero license," The Blazing Hero Sapnap holds out his hand lazily, "Cuz'  like, there's been a vigilante around these parts, doin' stuff."

Tommy coughs, "Hah, of course, it's just - just," He shuffles around in his hoodie pocket, "It's uh, just... "

Sapnap stares, "Yeah, dude can you like, hurry up? I actually ordered a pizza like ten minutes ago but then 404 fucking slept through his patrol so I had to do it - anyways, just hurry up."

"Oh nice, what toppings?" Tommy asks.

"Pineapple."

Tommy scrunches up his face underneath his mask, " ...Pineapple?"

Sapnap glares, "Did I stutter? Stupid bitch."

"Woah big man, calm down," Tommy laughs, "You're just obviously at the bottom of the food chain."

"What the fuck? I'm a top ten ranking hero?" Sapnap frowns.

Tommy snorts, "Not with those tastebuds you aren't. You're at the bottom now. Natural selection is coming for you."

"I'll give you fucking natural selection in a minute," The hero threatens, "Give me your license."

"Yeah," Tommy nods, "Of course big man, it's just..." He shuffles around some more before pulling out a card, "Here," He says handing it over as he slowly inches away, Clementine in hand.

"This is a fucking Tesco ClubCard."

Tommy grins, "Buy yourself a meal deal!" He shouts as he activates his trainers, jumping off into the night.

_____

Ranboo wipes away a tear as the episode ends, "Wow, that - that was - wow."

WandaVision is a masterpiece, truly.

He looks at the time; 9:46pm

Oh jeez, he was meant to check on Tommy.

Hopefully the boy is asleep.

Ranboo stands up, stretching idly as he makes his way to the bedroom.

"Tommy?" He calls out softly.

Silence.

Ranboo prays he's sleeping.

He inches the door open slowly, peeking inside to see an... empty bed.

"Oh man."

_____

Tommy is currently running.

" Clementine , this was, perhaps not my poggest idea," He huffs out sluggishly, as the trees morph into one another.

"None of your ideas are pog."

"Shut up . I can't believe- '' He breathes shakily, lungs heaving, "That I raised you and fed you and taught you crime only for you to -to turn on me. My own flesh and blood."

"Tommy, tree."

" Clementine, you're not a tree, you're a fi-"

Tommy groans, forehead slamming into rough bark.

"Tree."

"Fuck off," Tommy grunts, slumping down against it. He sniffles. Snot dribbles down and wipes it hastily with his sleeve.

"That's nasty."

" Clementine, stop bullying your sickly father. I am dying."

"Still nasty."

"I'll put you up for adoption," He threatens emptily.

"Sure."

"You've been spending too much time with Tubbo," Tommy sighs, closing his eyes for just a few seconds.

_____

" Tommy ," A voice croons for him.

" Wake up. Wake up Tommy," It says, " You need to wake up. This isn't re-"

_____

Tommy awakes with a gasp, head thinking against the tree. "Oh fuck," He groans.

Clementine stares up at him from her bottle.

" Clementine, did I just pass out?" He asks groggily.

Clementine blows a bubble.

"I'm not tired," He argues, "I don't need a nap shut the fuck up," He grumbles, standing on shaky feet.

He pauses at the sound of shuffling.

Tommy turns around suddenly, coming face to face with his worst enemy.

Okay, well that's a lie. To be honest this whole arch-nemesis shit is kinda one-sided.

Willow stares back at him, a smug smile.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the little vigilante," The hero grins.

Tommy resents that. "I resent that. I am tall."

"Uh huh, anyways," Willow twirls a set of handcuffs around his index finger. "This is where this shitty little game ends."

"Listen man, I dunno how I offended you. Sorry there were no askers. Did you ever find any?" Tommy questions, interested.

Willow's expression darkens. Yeesh okay, a sore spot it seems.

"You will rue this day."

Tommy snorts, "I won't 'rue' anything. You know you can like, talk normally right?" He says as he slowly inches away.

Willow stalks closer, "There's no escape this time."

Tommy glances down at Clementine, who stares back up at him.

Oh god, this may be the end.

Tommy sniffs as Willow turns into two blurry figures.

Willow grabs him by the arm, yanking him forward and Tommy stumbles, unable to hold his own.

"Time to see who's behind this stupid mask," Willow grins.

Tommy frowns, "Not stupid," He mumbles trying to sluggishly squirm away.

Willow reaches the side of his mask and tugs it off with a quick tug.

Tommy stares up at the hero blearily.

Silence envelopes them.

Willow looks really stupid. In Tommy's opinion. He looks surprised or something. His mouth is wide open, eyes staring in disbelief.

It makes Tommy laugh a bit, giggling softly.

Willow is still staring at him like an idiot.

And then.

Tommy sneezes. Right in the hero's face.

Willow lets out a shriek of disgust, letting go of the boy who flops down onto the ground.

Tommy giggles. "Sorry," He says, not sorry at all.

Willow is frantically wiping the germs off of his face with his gloves.

"You're a brat," Willow grits out, eyes still wide in shock. "How fucking old are you? You're - you're barely ten. No not even-"

Tommy frowns, "I'm sixteen. Fuck you."

Willow stares, "Sixteen."

"Yeah."

"Sixteen."

Tommy nods again, unsure, "Yeah?"

Willow groans, dropping to his knees, head in hands, "I've been chasing a child. An actual gremlin child."

"I'm not a child," Tommy glares, upset. "Fuck you, you dick. Lets fucking go right now. I'll - I'll fight you."

Willow snorts as Tommy stumbles to his feet.

Tommy tries to scowl at the hero, but he doesn't know which Willow to stare at. Why are there three?

Willow watches in barely concealed amusement as Tommy throws a punch so off centre that he misses the hero and trips over his own feet.

This is the worst day of Tommy's life.

He feels hands grasp him under the knees and the middle of his back and lets out a whimper as the world tilts on its axis.

"Up we go," Willow sighs, cradling the boy to his chest.

"No, no go down," Tommy slurs, "Don' send me jail, or - or I'll sue you."

Tommy feels the chest beneath his head rumble.

"Sure gremlin."

" Clem-Clementine. Need my daughter," Tommy startles.

"The bottled fish?"

" Clementine."

"Okay, okay, got it. Hold on," Tommy feels the hands jostle him up higher as Clementine is deposited in his arms.

"My child," Tommy whispers.

"Alright, I'm taking you to the penthouse."

"This is kidnapping?" Tommy questions, furrowing his brows. "This - this - Clementine says it's kidnapping."

"Do you know how to get home?"

Silence.

Tommy huffs, "Fuck you, you - you fuckin' hero man."

Willow laughs, "Okay gremlin," He says as he starts walking.

"Are you gonna kill me?" Tommy wonders, staring up into reddish brown eyes.

Willow's expression is weird again. "I'm not going to kill you."

"Are y' sure?" Tommy mumbles, vision blurring. "Cuz' cuz' Te - Tec- Te-" He stumbles over his words, frowning. What was his name again? "Tec- Techie? He uh, he said you wanna kill me."

Willow looks amused and concerned all at once. "Techie?" He grins, " Can't believe Techno told you his name," He murmurs before huffing, "I'm not gonna kill you. I was gonna arrest you."

Tommy's eyes widen, tears appearing, "M' goin' ta' jail?"

Willow sighs, "I'll let you off today," He grumbles, reluctantly, averting his eyes from the teenager. "I still hate you. I'm gonna capture you. It's just- just, you're completely out of it or whatever."

"M' not goin' ta' jail?" Tommy's bottom lip trembles.

Willow looks down at him for a split second before looking back up at the sky. "No. Stop crying holy shit. Close your eyes. Stop looking at me."

Tommy frowns, clutching Clementine closer. "Why?"

"You're - you're, just stop. Take a nap or something, you look like shit," Willow grumbles.

"Promise you won't kill me?" Tommy looks up at him, holding out his pinky.

Willow looks constipated.

"You need a shit?" Tommy asks.

"What?"

"You look weird."

"I'm fine."

"Oh," Tommy stares at him, pinky still in the air.

Willow sighs, "I'm holding you, I can't do a pinky promise," He grimaces at the words as he says them.

Tommy frowns, lowering his pinky. "Oh. What about a ritual?"

Willow almost stumbles over his feet. "What."

"A ritual. Y'know? So I say," Tommy pauses in thought, "I say, um, I promise not to kill TommyInnit the really courageous and athletic and handsome and charismatic vigilante. Now you copy it."

Willow stares down at him. Tommy looks up at him expectantly.

Willow sighs, "I promise, not to kill TommyInnit, the courageous-"

"Really courageous."

" Really courageous and athletic and charismatic-"

"No, you missed out handsome."

Willow inhaled deeply, " Really courageous and athletic and handsome and charismatic vigilante."

Tommy giggles, "That was so fuckin' stupid big man. Can't believe I made you say that."

Willow stares down at him, expression of deep ire. "Fucking gremlin."

Tommy just grins.

Slowly, he feels himself drift off to the