Henry, fetch!" Tommy throws the stick across the living room.

Henry stares up at him.

Tommy raises an eyebrow expectantly, "Well, go on."

Henry sits down.

Tommy frowns. He turns to his best friend.

"Tubbo, how do you train cows?"

Tubbo pauses from where he is deconstructing the oven, drill in hand.

"You don't train cows, Tommy," The boy rolls his eyes, turning back to the kitchen machinery.

"That's fucking bullshit," Tommy scoffs. Seriously, does Tubbo think he's an idiot or something?

"It's really not, big man," Tubbo hums, "Henry's not a dog."

"Can I train Micheal?"

Tubbo stares at him. "No."

______

Tommy watches as Technoblade stumbles sluggishly into the kitchen, sweater sagging around his form.

Tommy snorts, "You look like shit."

Technoblade glances up at him.

Tommy snaps his mouth shut.

Yikes.

"I mean, you- you look like the shit," He chuckles nervously, "The shit of all shits if you get me."

"Be quiet," Technoblade mutters as he slumps over the kitchen table.

Ranboob walks into the kitchen, hair bedridden. He slumps over on the seat next to Technoblade.

What the fuck is wrong with them?

"What got shoved up your-"

"Don't," Ranboob mumbles into his arms, expression concealed.

This is unacceptable. Ranboob interrupting him?

Tommy glances over at Tubbo, who has successfully taken off the door of the oven and is doing some random shit to it.

"Tub, what the fuck happened to these guys?

Tubbo just hums, smiling, "They just did what they had to do."

Ominous.

"And what the fuck was that?"

"Take care of Micheal."

Tommy frowns. That's not hard at all. "The kid barely speaks."

Ranboob raises his head, eyes deranged. "In the day , maybe. He was up all night, he - he was up all night."

"Okay, and?"

"What do you mean, and? He - he wouldn't sleep, no matter what I did and Tubbo refused to look after him because I lost him yesterday so-"

" Hah-" Tommy wheezes. Honestly, Ranboob is such a loser.

"You're forgetting the worst part," Technoblade mutters darkly.

"What?" Tommy composes himself, sombering as he waits for the hero to speak.

"He kept speaking in enchantment table."

______

"What'd you want for breakfast, Tubbo?" Ranboo asks as he stretches, slowly awakening.

Tubbo pauses from where he is sawing down the inside of the oven, lifting his goggles to stare at the teenager. "It's fine, I can make it myself."

"But you look busy, with your um, yeah, your - you look busy," Ranboo nods.

"I mean..." Tubbo bites his lip in thought, looking troubled.

Ranboo wonders if he's okay.

"What were you thinking of making?"

"Anything you want, I gotta make something for Micheal anyways," He shrugs. Technoblade had fallen asleep at the table and Tommy had fled with Henry at the mention of breakfast... which was odd, but well, it's Tommy.

Tubbo brightens, "I could do with a smoothie actually, big man."

"Smoothie? You sure? I could make some cerea-"

"No!" Tubbo yelps before laughing, "No, no. No need for that Boo."

Ranboo shrugs, "Okay."

______

Tommy swings the door open, striding into the bedroom.

He sets Henry down on the floor and puts Clementine on the windowsill before flopping down onto the bed.

"Hrgh?"

Tommy shifts into a more comfortable position, elbowing the lump under the covers.

"...Tommy?"

"Ayup."

"...Why the fuck are you in m'room?" Wilbur slurs sleepily.

"Because," Tommy shrugs.

He watches as Henry nibbles on a piece of the carpet, chewing slowly.

A hand snakes out from the covers to wrap around his waist.

Tommy yelps, "Get off me!"

"Shut up, " Wilbur groans, pulling the teenager closer.

"Clingy dickhead, let me go," Tommy scowls.

" You came into my room," Wilbur says.

Okay and? Where is the logic. Does this guy have zero fucking brain cells or something?

"Okayyy?" Tommy drawls.

Wilbur's head peeks out from beneath the covers to stare at him in incrediculity. Rude.

He stares back.

He watches in mild terror as a smirk dawns on the hero's face.

"Tommy," He starts, voice lilting. And oh my fucking Philza , Tommy hates that tone. "Tommy, did you miss me?"

Wilbur looks fucking gleeful.

Tommy has never wanted to commit crimes so bad.

"No fucking way, you're a dickhead, and - and you're clingy," He reiterates with a scowl, trying to squirm away.

Wilbur just pulls him closer with a snicker, burying his face in Tommy's curls. "It's okay if you missed Wilby, Tommy."

He can hear the grin in his voice. The sick bastard.

Tommy's face heats up. "I did not miss you," He protests. "Ranboob just decided he was going to make breakfast and there's no way I would put myself through torture."

"Sounds like excuses to me," Wilbur sings.

" No. I came here because I want you to buy me food," Tommy grumbles.

"Why not Techno?"

"He's fucking passed out."

Wilbur snorts.

"Okay, okay, we can go, to like, Sainsburys."

"Tesco's."

"Sainsburys."

" Tesco's."

"Sainsburys."

"Tesco-"

"Oh my god, fine, be quiet you fucking gremlin," Wilbur grumbles. "Give me ten more minutes," He mumbles, eyes slipping closed.

"Five," Tommy says, just to be annoying. Wilbur snores.

The guy is still holding him.

He supposes he could fight Wilbur. He's epic and strong enough. He has a pointy elbow. He could weaponise his elbow and strike . Like a badass.

But. Well.

He's still a bit tired.

______

"Here you go," Ranboo smiles warmly, holding  out the glass to his friend.

Tubbo eyes it critically. Can you blame him? He's paranoid.

It's a nice reddish colour. Tubbo smiles. He loves strawberries.

"Thank you, Boo," He grins, taking the lawnmower out of the oven.

He takes the glass and eagerly takes a sip.

His stomach drops.

Oh god.

Ranboo looks down at him expectantly, head tilting, eyes wide. "Is it nice?" He asks, hands wringing together.

Damn him . Damn it all to hell.

Tubbo hums around his mouthful, showing a thumbs up. "Mmmm," He nods.

"That's great, I knew the spaghetti sauce would be a good addition."

______

"How the fuck did we end up here?" Tommy complains.

He looks up at the Waitrose logo.

"Wil, c'mon, big man. This shop is like, ripoff fucking central. Do you like being scammed? Tesco wouldn't treat you like this."

Wilbur rolls his eyes as he pulls out a trolley. "Techno likes Waitrose."

"He's insane, " Tommy tells him sincerely. Must be hard for Wilbur, to live with someone who shops in Waitrose. "I send my condolences."

"Oh my god, stop bullshitting, it's still too early for this," Wilbur groans before sighing, "And why, did you bring Henry?"

Tommy looks down at the baby cow who is sniffing some powder on the concrete, "Training," He says simply, tugging the leash gently.

Henry tottles over to sniff Tommy's shoes.

Wilbur stares.

" See, he's learning."

Tommy pats Henry on the head, adjusting Clementine his pocket.

"Let's just do this as quickly as possible," The hero mutters as he steps into the store.

______

Phil walks into the kitchen, humming softly.

He pauses in the doorway.

Tubbo is blowtorching the inside of his oven, the  door off hinged and discarded. Ranboo is spoon feeding Micheal some sauce while the toddler pulls on Techno's hair.

Techno is... he's passed out.

Hmm. Not today.

Phil turns around, closing the kitchen door behind him. He walks back the way he came.

Not today.

______

"Would you like to try this free sample?" A worker asks, offering a tray of donuts.

Tommy pauses.

"Actually yes, I would," He announces. "Come here, Henry," He tugs the leash.

Henry toddles over.

He picks up a donut, crouches down and places it in the cow's mouth.

"This is the sugar rush you need, Henry," Tommy declares. "To reach your full potential."

Henry stares up at him with his beautiful eyes. Philza. What an epic cow.

He stands back up, satisfied.

The worker stares at him, eyes judgemental.

Tommy frowns, "What? Are you judging my parenting skills? Are you? Because if you are-"

"Tommy, come over here and stop harassing people," Wilbur scowls, pulling on his hood.

Tommy gives the worker his middle finger as he's carried off.

Honestly, etiquette with people these days.

______

Okay, so it turns out the sugar rush was exactly what he needed.

He's gone fucking feral.

"It's time to release you into the wild, my child," He whispers to the cow as he crouches down and unclips the leash.

Tommy glances warily over at Wilbur who is trying to decide on which cheese he should buy.

This is the time.

"Run," He tells his son, "Be free and do crime."

Henry stares at him.

Tommy stares back.

Then Henry blinks before trotting off at lightning speed down the aisle.

Tommy salutes him as he goes. "Godspeed my child. Amen."

"Tommy, which is better Adam? or Cheddar?"

Tommy stands up, shrugging, "Cheese."

Wilbur rolls his eyes.

______

"Attention all customers. There is a rabid cow in aisle 16. I repeat, there is a rabid cow in aisle 16. Stay clear of aisle 16."

Wilbur comes to an abrupt halt, pausing as he glares over at Tommy, "Where is Henry?"

Tommy whistles.

Distantly, he hears a scream.

" Tommy, where is your fucking cow?"

Tommy shrugs, "I don't know. Probably doing what he was meant to do. Completing the prophecy. Reaching his destiny. Living with intention."

Wilbur's glare intensifies, "How could he possibly be living with intention?"

"It bit me!" A customer sobs.

Tommy smirks. "Like that."

Wilbur briefly closes his eyes, inhaling deeply. He must be going through a lot.

Wilbur opens his eyes. "Go find your cow, right now."

______

"You banned us from Waitrose!" Wilbur shouts in frustration as they exit the store.

"It was for a good cause," Tommy justifies, tugging Henry along.

He's still a bit feral, chewing on a piece of metal.

Tommy is a great father.

"You are a fucking gremlin and I hate you," Wilbur seethes as he aggressively puts the trolley back.

Jeez. This guy has anger issues.

"You have anger issues," Tommy tells him, "You need therapy, big man?"

Wilbur turns to him and oh shit.

Tommy sprints.

______

"Philza! Philza!"  Tommy screeches as he jumps in through the kitchen window.

The kitchen is barren. Oh god.

"Philza! Dadza! "

"Come back here you fucking gremlin!" Wilbur shouts from outside.

Oh god. He looks down at Henry in his arms, Clementine in her bottle.

This is how he dies.

Wilbur is going to fucking murder him .

"Pssst."

What.

What the fuck.

Tommy glances around the kitchen warily. "What- what was that?" He asks Clementine.

She blinks.

He glances over at the oven. " Clementine, there's no one in the oven."

"Psst. Tommy, come here."

What the fuck.

"Tubbo?" He whispers in disbelief.

"Come to the oven, Tommy."

He can hear Wilbur opening the front door. Oh god.

Tommy legs it to the oven, crouching down and holy shit.

Did Tubbo create a fucking tunnel?

"Henry, follow me my child," He tells his son as he sets him down.

He crawls in.

______

Tubbo watches as Tommy falls into his lair.

"Welcome to my dungeon," Tubbo grins.

Tommy groans, sitting up. He glares up at his best friend. "Do not say that."

"My weapon dungeon."

"Big T, when the fuck did you have time to make this?" Tommy looks around the cave.

"When didn't I?"

Tommy stares.

Tubbo stares back.

"This is poggers, big man," Tommy admits.

"I know."

"Absolutely pogger-" Tommy pauses, "Wait. If you've gotten rid of the oven," Horror creeps into his expression. "That means we only have the stove. What have you fucking done?"

Tubbo pales.

Tommy glares. "You have forsaken us."

_____

Wilbur stomps into Phil's office, enraged.

Phil glances up warily. "Hey mate," he says cautiously.

"Where's Tommy? I know you are hiding him," He accuses.

Phil hasn't seen Tommy all day. "Sorry Wil, I dunno where he is."

"You're hiding him. Hand him over, he got us banned from Waitrose with his stupid fucking cow!"

"I'm not hiding him mate, I swear-" Phil frowns, "You're banned from Waitrose?"

" Yes, " Wilbur seethes, "And it's all that gremlin's fault. When I find him, I'm going to strangle him."

Phil snorts, "Okay Wil, sure."

"I will, " He insists. "You better not be hiding him, or else."

"Or else what? Mate?" Phil raises an eyebrow.

Wilbur falters and Phil resists smirking in amusement.

"I'll defenestrate Techno."

Phil laughs, "Techno isn't even here, he's sleeping."

"I'll still do it."

______

Phil watches as Wilbur stalks off in anger and shrugs. Not his problem.

Distantly, he hears a screech. " What the fuck?!"

Phil glances over at his door before shaking his head. Not his problem.

" Why are you in the oven?!"

He sighs. It's probably his problem.

______

"So let's get this straight, you destroyed my oven and created a fucking nuclear weapon lair or some shit," Philza addresses Tubbo, who smiles. "And you," He turns to Tommy, "You gave Henry a powdered donut that sent him insane, to the point that he bit several innocent civilians."

Tommy shakes his head, "Not insane, he reached his true potential."

Philza stares at him before sighing. "What about you, Ranboo? What have you done?"

Ranboob startles from where he is writing in a journal. Like a loser. "What? I haven't done anything-"

"He fed me a spaghetti smoothie," Tubbo interrupts.

Tommy gags. "That's - that's definitely the worst thing that's happened today."

Philza looks like he is experiencing regret.

______

Tommy eyes Wilbur critically from across the table.

They had been forced into family bonding time by Philza.

Which is quite terrible, really. But Tommy will do it for Philza, lord and saviour.

"So how about a game of Uno?" Philza tries, glancing around the table.

Technoblade looks bored out of his mind. Ranboob is humming under his breath as he brushes Micheal's hair. Tubbo is doing something on his phone. Micheal is eating the table.

"I have a better idea," Tommy declares like a genius.

"No he doesn't," Wilbur tries to shut him down immediately. Not today fucker.

"I do."

"Like what? Getting us banned from another supermarket?"

Oh my god, this guy does not let things go. Tommy rolls his eyes, "The past is past, forgive, forget."

"It happened two hours ago!" Wilbur slams his hands on the table in frustration.

"You have anger issues, get some help," Tommy tells him again.

"You fuckin-"

"What idea did you have Tommy?" Philza smiles.

"Oh right yeah, okay it's fucking pog and I made it myself," Tommy grins, "So we get a phone, and we pass it around the table and we say something like 'I pass this to a fucking wrongun' and then I'd pass it to Ranboob."

They all stare at him.

Ranboob frowns. "Uh first of all, you didn't make that up, you found it on TikTok. And second of all, why am I the example?"

Tommy grins, "Lets just ignore what he said and play."

______

"I pass the phone to a shitty vigilante," Tubbo mumbles distractedly as he passes the phone over to Tommy. Which, okay, kinda rude.

Tommy frowns. "I pass the phone to slenderman," He hands it over to Ranboob.

Ranboob frowns. "I pass the phone to someone who's always sleeping," He passes it to Technoblade.

"I pass the phone to Phil," Technoblade hands it over to Philza.

"Mate, that's - thats - okay, I pass the phone to someone who keeps destroying my appliances," Philza hands it over to Tubbo.

Tubbo smiles, "I pass it over to someone who got banned from Waitrose," He passes it over to Wilbur.

Wilbur glares, sullenly as he takes the phone. "I pass it over to a fucking gremlin."

Tommy takes the phone, "I pass it over to someone with anger issues."

Wilbur snatches the phone, " I pass it over to someone who is a child."

Tommy gasps when it is handed back to him, "I pass it to someone who has a shitty fucking hat."

Wilbur frowns, hand reaching up to touch his beanie. He glares. "I pass it someone who's hoodie is fucking ugly."

Oh. He wants to go there?

Tommy stands up. "I pass it to someone who is bald ."

" You fucker-"

______

"Tommy, how many times do I have to tell you to stop biting Wil?"

Tommy frowns at the ceiling.

"Wil, you can't throw him out the window. You

know this."

Wilbur scowls.

Tommy kicks him under the table.

Wilbur kicks back.

"Bald man," He whispers.

"Ugly child," Wilbur whispers back.

"Can I leave now?" Ranboob raises his hand.

"No," Everyone replies.

Ranboob sighs.

"Let's just watch a movie."

______

"I would have preferred more sharks," Tubbo comments as the credits roll.

Phil frowns. "Mate, why would there be sharks in Toy Story?"

Tubbo shrugs, "There should be."

Okay then. Phil glances around the living room.

Ranboo has fallen asleep, head resting in Tubbo's lap. Micheal is still awake somehow, chewing on a piece of Techno's hair. Techno is seemingly unbothered, eating a granola bar.

He glances over at the other couch where he forced Wilbur and Tommy to sit. Their get-along-couch, if you will.

Tommy has fallen asleep, curled around Wilbur while the other man holds him close, playing with his hair.

Phil smiles and rolls his eyes. They are so fucking dramatic just to end up cuddling at the end of the day.

Techno must notice them as well because he snorts, "What happened to your hatred Wil?"

Phil sighs.

Wilbur glares at his twin lazily. " Out the window."