Chapter 17: I Am Legally Allowed To Park Here, I Have A Child

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Tommy stares, eyes narrowed.

The child stares back, eyes blank and soulless.

This child is the devil reborn. Tommy is sure of it.

"I don't like 'im," He decides, turning to the 'parents'.

Tubbo raises an eyebrow, unimpressed, "We never asked you to like him, we were just explaining who he is."

Tommy sniffs, "He's a demon child."

"Micheal is not a demon child, he's an angel," Ranboob frowns, holding the toddler in one arm.

" Demon, " Tommy insists. He's right of course. The child stares back at him. The thing hasn't blinked in over twenty minutes. "I can't live in the same area as him," The teenager announces, "He'll kill me in my sleep."

"No he wouldn't," Tubbo frowns, turning to the child. "Isn't that right, Micheal?"

Micheal stares, expression blank.

"...Right, Micheal?" Ranboo prompts.

Micheal stares.

"He probably won't kill you in your sleep," Tubbo amends solemnly.

Oh god. Tommy's going to die.

There's only one solution to this.

______

Tommy huffs, pulling the duffel bag up and over the railings.

" Clementine, please. I know what I'm doing," He scowls as he manhandles the bag.

He sets the bag down on the concrete, unzipping it.

Micheal's head pops out.

"Alright, demon . This is where I leave you, go back to the wilderness, go eat a bear or something. I don't care," Tommy instructs.

Micheal stares up at him, unblinking.

Tommy frowns, " Go. "

Micheal stares.

Tommy's frown deepens. He glances down at Clementine in his hand, "You think we can just leave him here?"

She does a twirl.

Tommy rolls his eyes, "Stop being so morally good, Clementine."

______

"Alright, demon spawn, this is your family," He points to a pack of feral pigs.

He chucks Micheal towards them. "They will take care of you from now on."

Micheal lands in the mud. He's silent as he looks up at the pigs. The pigs stare back at him expectantly.

Micheal stands up and toddles back over to Tommy.

"What?! No!" Tommy screeches.

______

" Clementine, shut up, this is the perfect idea," Tommy huffs as he seals the tape around the box.

He stares at the box in contemplation for a moment before poking two holes into it.

He stands up, box in arms. "Let's do this."

______

"Uh huh, and what exactly is being shipped?"

"Fragile," Tommy replies.

The postman pauses from where he's typing on a monitor to stare at him, "Fragile? What's in it?"

"None of your business, big man. I need this shipped to the other side of the world, thanks."

Tommy dumps the box on the counter.

The man wearily lifts the box, only to gasp. "What the fuck is in there?"

"You don't want to know."

A small squeal echoes through the post office.

The man drops the box.

"Are you smuggling an animal?" The postman pales.

"A child actually," Tommy corrects.

_____

"So, for some reason, that didn't work," Tommy sighs as he sits down on a park bench, Micheal by his side.

"Are you cursing us?" He accuses the toddler, "You're cursing us, aren't you?"

Micheal stares up at him, eyes wide.

Tommy recoils.

Ugh children.

" Clementine, what should we do?"

Clementine blows a bubble.

Tommy groans, "No way, we are not bringing him back to his parents. Tubbo's gone mad in the head, fucking crazy. And Ranboob. Well, he's just fucking Ranboob," He rolls his eyes, "I mean, who fucking looks at that," He points to the child, "And says, yeah, I'mma keep it."

Clementine stares.

"That is not what happened to me, you bitch!" He scowls down at his daughter, "I'm nothing like this thing," He side eyes Micheal.

Micheal lifts his small, chubby hand and places it over Tommy's gently.

Tommy stares down at him.

Micheal stares back.

Tommy hastily swipes his hand away, glaring at the child. "You- you can't win me over with affection, you heathen. I won't fall for your tricks."

Micheal tilts his head, hair falling into his face.

It's not cute.

Tommy averts his eyes, arms crossing. "I am getting rid of you."

______

"Uh, Tub?" Ranboo wrings his hands together, peeking into their room as his eyes frantically scan the area.

"Yeah, Boo?" Tubbo hums, bopping his head along to some Barbie movie.

"Have you, uh, have you seen Micheal by any chance?"

Tubbo tenses, turning to the teenager. "No. Ranboo did you lose our son?"

Oh mannnn.

"No!" He hastily raises his hands to soothe the boy, "No, no. He's- he's not lost. He's just uh, I was playing hide and seek with him and I thought - I thought he hid in here. It's fine. It's fine."

Tubbo narrows his eyes, "Are you sure?"

Ranboo sweats, "Mhm, mhm. I'm sure. I just - I just need to find him. He's sure hid well, haha."

Holy cow, he needs to find Micheal.

______

" Clementine, no one wants him," Tommy groans after his seventh failed attempt at Removal Of Child™️.

Clementine gapes.

"Yeah, well. No, he's not coming back home. No children in the man cave. Yes, it's called the man cave. I named it that, it sounded appropriate. All us big men and Ranboob, living our best life," Tommy explains before pausing, " Kind of living our best lives," He amends, "Philza still has my glock confiscated," He scowls.

"Man cave," Micheal repeats.

Tommy screams. His whole body vibrates with the intensity of which he feels fear.

Since when could the thing talk?

"Don't speak ever again," He orders immediately, composing himself like the big man he is.

"Man cave," The child says again.

"You don't belong in the man cave," Tommy glares.

______

"Hey, uh, Philza," Ranboo clenches his fists to stop his fingers from twitching with nerves.

"Phil, mate," The man corrects as he runs a comb through some cow's fur.

Ranboo frowns in confusion momentarily. "Who's the cow?"

"Henry," The hero supplies, "Tommy found him."

"Ah, that makes sense," The teenager nods before tensing, "Anyways, have you seen Micheal?"

"Your son?"

"Yes. Yes, my son. Tubbo and I's son. Have - have you seen him?"

Phil frowns in thought, "Hmm, pretty sure I was him in Tommy's room a while ago. Think they were bonding. Said they were going to the park."

Oh god.

Ranboo stumbles back in horror, a hand clutching his heart.

Tommy has his son.

This is a terrible, terrible day.

Tubbo's going to kill him.

_____

"Y'know what? I'm going to use you to my advantage, child," He tells Micheal, picking him up and chucking him over his shoulder.

The toddler lets out an 'oof' as he is manhandled.

" Clementine, shhh, I've always wanted to do this. I just need..." Tommy trails off as he scans the streets.

His eyes light up as he spots an old man walking towards his car.

Hmm. He doesn't have his glock.

Tommy sighs. Guess he'll have to using his charming personality and handsome features.

He stalks over to the old man, who is shakily unlocking his car with trembling fingers.

"Hey you," Tommy calls out loudly.

The old man startles violently, dropping his keys.

"O-oh, hello young man. You scared me just then," The man chuckles, voice worn.

"Sorry," Tommy says unapologetically. "Anyways, I need your car."

"Wha-what?" The pensioner squints at him, "Sorry, my hearing isn't so good nowadays," He laughs, "I thought you said you wanted my car-"

"I do," Tommy interrupts, straight-faced. "I need your car."

"Uh, sorry, young man, but I've got to get home and-"

"No, you don't understand, I need it," He stresses.

The man lets out a noise of confusion, "Heh?"

Tommy sighs, exasperated. He pulls Micheal from over his shoulder to hold him out in front. "Look at this child. He's my adoptive baby brother. He's sick. I need to take him to the hospital immediately or he will die."

"Well, uh, he looks fine to me," The old man scratches his head.

"No. He's not, he's got a serious illness," Tommy sniffs.

"Which is?"

Uh fuck. Hmmmmm.

"Unpogivitis," He supplies.

"Sorry, I've never heard of that-"

"It affects one in two people, millions die every day from this disease. He is physically incapable of being pog."

"I- Young man, please, I really should be going, I don't even know what 'pog' is," The man inches closer to his car.

"It's life essence," Tommy explains gravely, "Every second that he is not pog, he is dying. Fortunately, I've been blessed with unlimited pogness, but there are so many individuals who aren't. And that's simply not okay."

"I'm sorry, really I am-"

"Do you not care about this child?" He shoves Micheal towards him, who stares blankly into space. "Look at him. He's so pure and innocent and you want him to die? "

"I-I never said-"

"Hey!" Tommy shouts, "This guy wants children to die!" He alerts the street, people pausing to stare at them.

"Wait- wait, I - I didn't say that-"

"He wants every child dead! "

"Young man, pleas-"

"He probably wants all your children dead!"

"Take my car! Take my car please!"

Tommy grins.

______

"You let Tommy , take Micheal out on a walk?" Wilbur stares at Phil in disbelief. Techno is passed out on the couch, fast asleep.

Phil glances up from where he's stroking Henry, "Uh yeah? The kid needs some fresh air. So does Micheal."

Wilbur reaches up to pull his hair in frustration, "What have you done? I thought he was on house arrest!"

Phil snorts, "House arrest would not stop Tommy. Nah, I just took away his gun."

"He doesn't need a gun to be the physical form of the antichrist," Wilbur says gravely.

______

"Alright, buckle up fucker," Tommy grins as he slowly reverses out of the parking space.

Micheal puts his seatbelt on.

"We are going to do the one thing I've wanted to do all of my life," Tommy says reverently, eyes sparkling.

Micheal stares up at him.

"Don't look at me like that, you will see soon -oops," Tommy whistles as he rams the car into a streetlight.

He hastily backs up, "I'm a good driver, shut the fuck up," He whispers to Clementine. He doesn't have time for her fucking critique.

Clementine stares.

"Licenses are for pussies. I can drive," He insists.

______

The moment Tommy has waited for all his life.

Finally.

He carefully turns the steering wheel, trying not to shed tears of joy as he reverses into the parking space.

His parallel parking is a beautiful thing to behold. Magnificent even.

He turns off the engine.

This is the best day of his life.

" Clementine, I did it," He declares proudly, raising a hand to his forehead in a salute.

"I parked in the mother and child area in a Tesco's carpark."

______

Tommy steps out of the car, Micheal in his arms.

A woman stares at him from across the carpark, eyes scrutinizing.

Tommy huffs, "No need to stare, I'm allowed to park here. Do you see this?" He raises an eyebrow, holding Micheal out. "You see this child? It's mine, and that means I can legally park here. I'm legally abiding by the law."

The woman frowns, "That's not why I was staring. You parked your car horizontally, it takes up three spaces."

_____

"Micheal, you sit here," He places the child in the seat part of the trolley.

Micheal stares up at him.

"Don't look at me like that, you demon," He glares.

Micheal stares.

Tommy averts his eyes as he enters the supermarket, "Anyways, we need some food because I'm creating an emergency stockage for when Ranboob makes dinner."

"Da," Micheal says.

Tommy rolls his eyes, "Yeah, that's your fuckin' 'father'," He says, making quotations with his fingers. "He can't fuckin' cook anything but spaghetti and one day I will murder him."

"Da," Micheal repeats.

______

"Micheal put that back," Tommy scowls as the child picks up a packet of cookies.

"Cookie," The toddler says.

"Put it back," Tommy glares.

Micheal stares up at him wide eyed.

" Don't do that look."

Micheal stares.

Tommy groans, taking the cookies from the child's grasp and placing it in the trolley.

Clementine blows a bubble.

"Shut the fuck up," Tommy scowls.

______

"Aww he's so cute, is he your brother?" The cashier smiles at him.

"He is my son," Tommy declares.

"Oh, well, aren't you a bit young?"

"I'm old enough to own a glock," Tommy shrugs, "I have a daughter too."

The cashier frowns nervously, "Oh, haha, that's nice," They frantically scan the items.

"I am the ultimate father, actually. Did you know I parked in the mother and baby area? That shows my parentage," Tommy explains.

"That's, uh, that's lovely."

______

Tommy sighs as he sits in the car.

"Cookie," Micheal says.

Tommy squints at him, "Who said I bought them for you?"

"Cookie," The child repeats.

Tommy frowns before retrieving the shopping bag, pulling out the packet. He chucks them at the child with a roll of his eyes.

And then. Something magical happens. Something Tommy can't believe he witnesses. It's incredible.

Micheal looks down at the packet of cookies in his hand and he smiles.

Tommy clutches his heart. What the fuck.

Micheal grins up at the teenager, "Tommy," He says.

Oh Philza.

" Clementine, we must keep him."

______

Ranboo hastily makes his way back to the penthouse, hair a mess from one too many frantic scratches. He hasn't found Micheal.

Oh god. This is terrible.

They only just got him.

God knows what Tommy has done with him.

This is just terrible.

What is he going to tell Tubbo?

He pauses at the door, contemplating whether or not he should even come home.

"Ey, Ranboob you look fucked up," A voice chuckles from behind him.

Ranboo gasps, turning around to see Tommy and Micheal. Hand in hand.

What the heck.

"Oh god, oh man, oh jeez, Micheal," He gasps, rushing over to his son. "Are you hurt?"

Micheal stares up at him, smiling happily. He shakes his head. "Tommy. Cookie."

Ranboo looks between Micheal and Tommy in confusion, speechless.

"But-? Wha- what?" He frowns.

Tommy snorts, "What's wrong with you big guy? We only went to the park."

Ranboo is so lost. "Huh?"

"Jesus fucking christ, you're out of it. We went to the park. Nothing happened, what're you doing outside? You got your hair all dirty, look like a wrongun," Tommy insults him.

Ranboo slumps against the ground. He's so relieved and so confused.

______

"So, you took my child, without my permission?" Tubbo questions, eyes piercing.

Tommy inches away from the boy. "Ah well, you see, I actually asked Phil and-"

Tubbo raises a hand to silence him. "Come over here," The shorter leads him over to a window, opening it calmly.

Tommy sighs, dejected. He salutes.

______

"Hey Wil, I think Tubbo's actually a better defenestrator than you," Techno hums, "He didn't even need to drag 'im over. You have to make me."

Wilbur pauses his ministrations of petting a disgruntled Tommy's head, to glare at him.

Phil raises a hand, "No more defenestration please. Tommy is still upset."

Wilbur's glare intensifies.

Techno shrugs, smirking, "I'm just sayin' the kid doesn't even need to mind control, he just-"

" Dive headfirst out the window."

Phil sighs, "You're just proving him right, Wil."

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