I slept peacefully, but I woke up feeling miserable. Whatever effect Brian had on me yesterday was gone. Alex came back to mind. It was a rainy Saturday morning. I had tea in the morning with my roommates. Cassandra was feeling better and we talked her through her breakup. She was private about what they fought about and why they broke up. We tried to comfort her as best as we could.

I wanted to talk next. I was back to being upset about Alex. I lost him. I decided to lose him. But it hurt. I didn't know why I was so hurt. We had no attachments after all.

"Maybe you were starting to have feelings for him." I looked up in shock at Cassandra. "That's the only reason why you would be upset. That's the reason why you got jealous when you saw him with other girls."

"No that doesn't make any sense. I barely knew the guy. All we did was make out and we never even had sex."

"It doesn't have to make sense. You just feel what you feel." That's really vague and unhelpful, but I didn't say that out loud.

"Why did you decide to end it?," Anna asked. She has been a regular visitor. Vanessa asked her to come over so we could discuss the current issues in our lives. I suspect it's mostly because of mine.

"I don't know. I felt guilty. It's a bad idea. What we were doing was wrong. That's what I liked about it. I know it's stupid but the tea leaves woke me up. The cross meant trouble and death. I knew that what I did would send me to hell. I felt like if I were to die right now I would go to hell."

The girls looked at each other.

"Not to discount or invalidate your faith, but you don't know that. We don't know for sure that hell exists," Vanessa said carefully.

I never heard of that point of view before. Everyone I've known was insistent on the existence of hell. They scared me. They said that every sin I made would be seen by God and I would be sent to hell. I committed the sin of lust, one of the seven deadly sins.

"I don't know. I'm not sure what to think anymore."

"Exactly, you don't. Breaking up or whatever with Alex was ultimately your choice, but don't be afraid," Vanessa said.

"We didn't break up. We were nothing."

The girls looked at me with pity. I couldn't blame them. I pitied myself, too.

"If the omen was right, then this must be the death." I frowned at Brianna. "It's a death of a relationship."

We all shared looks. "I never thought of it that way."

"Well, if the omens are coming true," Cassandra started, "trouble is coming your way."

"Cassandra, you just fucking scared me," Vanessa said. "Can we like change the subject?"

"Kelsey met a guy!" Brianna blurted out.

"Already?!," Anna's jaw dropped.

"He's her knight in shining armor," Vanessa teased and sipped her tea.

"Who?"

"Brian Anderson," I said simply.

"No fucking way. No fucking way. No fucking way." Anna chanted. "Are you talking about the football player?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Fuck! He's so fucking sexy."

"You know him?," Vanessa asked.

"Kind of. He's friends with Jake."

"Who's Jake?"

"The guy I'm talking to right now. He's on the team, too." She waved her hand. "Let's go back to Anderson. How did you meet?"

"Right after I ended things with Alex, he comforted me after he saw me crying."

"Girl, you move quick."

I covered my face with my hands to cover my blush. "It just kind of happened and he was so sweet and the whole time I was with him he was a gentleman."

"How much time did you spend together?"

"All day yesterday," Brianna smiled.

"Yeah, he played hero," Vanessa said mischievously.

"What did he do?"

"He took me to the state park and made me dinner."

"Oh, boy's trying to get it," Anna said.

"That's what I said!" Vanessa exclaimed.

"I don't know. I guess we'll see."

Anna got to talking about Jake. He was a 'dark skinned chocolate treat' according to her. We all laughed. Apparently he was good in bed and had a big penis. I didn't need to know that, but girls like to share. Anna was really starting to like him. Anna said that she won't object to dating him if he asks.

Vanessa has a new boy toy herself. She's noncommittal with her sex life. She doesn't want to be in a relationship. Apparently she had a long term boyfriend in high school who broke her heart so she didn't want to do anything serious right now. He promised her that they'll continue dating long distance and he wanted to have sex for the first time as a goodbye before they separate. He broke up with her right after and said that he wants to be free to have sex with other girls in college. He just wanted to lose his virginity. She decided to do the same. She decided to sleep around, too. She's very careful about protection and birth control. She said she didn't want kids and just wants to have fun in college. I feel the same way.

Brianna wants to find someone, but she hasn't. She said that people on dating apps just want to fuck and that's not what she wants. She's a romantic. She wants something real.

Cassandra was still heartbroken and none of us pressed her to join the conversation about boys. She was just laughing along with us. It seemed like she was feeling better and happier just talking with us.

The conversation shifted to school. Anna got all As. "My omen was right, baby!" Vanessa did pretty well, too. Brianna managed a B in Calculus with my help. Cassandra still got all As despite how upset she was about her breakup. I was the only one who let my situation affect me. I got a C in History and they all tried to comfort me. They said that it's not that bad and I'll do better on the next one.

I did nothing all day. I was tired from studying and all the stress from the past few days. I just looked out the window. It was still rainy and the skies were gray. I thought about Alex and Brian.

The only thing I knew about Alex was that he was a swimmer and I had two classes with him. I didn't even know how he was doing in those classes. I learned a lot of things about Brian yesterday. He was an athlete like Alex. He was gentle like Alex. As far as I know, that's all they have in common. I liked Brian's ambition and his dream. He loved math like I did. He loved cooking and nature. Fried chicken isn't exactly a fancy dish but he chose it because he thought it would make me feel better. He talked about other foods that he liked to make. He told me he'd make them for me someday. He went to the park he brought me to a lot. He said he liked to run there. He told me a funny story about how he almost had an incident with a bear. So far, I knew that Brian was funny, athletic, smart, and creative. I knew nothing about Alex.

Still my heart hurt whenever I thought about him. I used him. I used him for my own pleasure. I believe that he's a good guy. However, I didn't bother getting to know him and he didn't bother getting to know me. He was gentle and he asked for my consent and I really appreciated that. But that's all we did. We just did sexual things. I felt like if we kept going that we would have sex eventually. I trusted him, but do I really want to lose my virginity to someone who was practically a stranger?

That night I had a dream.

Someone was kissing my neck. Then they bit me lightly. A soft moan escaped my lips. Someone was licking and sucking on my neck. They bit along my jaw and then captured my lips. I kissed them back. They taste familiar. I wrapped my arms around them and they threw the comforter off me.

I opened my eyes. I'm in a bed. I'm in Alex's bed. He's right on top of me, kissing and sucking my neck. I moaned. We're in his bedroom. I'm wearing a gray shirt that's way too big for me and no underwear. He's shirtless.

His hands wandered and slipped under my shirt. He massaged my breasts and pulled and pinched my nipples. "Do you mind if I take it off?" My eyes were closed and I just nodded.

He lowered himself and kissed from my lips down my cleavage. He squeezed my breasts and licked and nibbled on my nipples. He kissed down my stomach, and slowly to my core, making me pant in anticipation.

He lightly kissed my clit, making me moan. He pushed his tongue between my folds. "Look at me," he said. I did. I watched him lick my core all over. I watched him suck my clit and my lips into his mouth. He parted my thighs lightly. He slowly licked my slit up and down before plunging his tongue inside me. I let out a throaty groan. His strokes were slow and even and the feeling at the pit of my stomach wakened.

He smiled against my core. He continued to work all over me. His tongue licked my clit lightly and I told him to go faster. I groaned in frustration when he slowed down. He laughed then quickly inserted one finger inside me and licked my clit faster. He pushed his finger in and out. I was rising quickly and my moans were growing louder.

He pulled my legs up and I wrapped my arms around my knees. He was massaging a spot inside me and my legs were shaking with pleasure. He kissed around my thighs and back to my clit. He sucked my clit and rolled his tongue in circles.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!" I chanted. I was so close. He paused to put in a second finger. He curled his fingers and his strokes were getting faster. I was about to scream.

Spurts of liquid came out of me and woke me up. Oh, no. I opened my eyes, grabbed a pillow, and actually screamed.