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Chapter 19

Feeling like shit couldn't begin to describe Alex's current state but it had been a start. When he thought of getting out of bed and stepping onto that plane, it felt like his world would crumble. Hell, his world was falling apart and he didn't even have to lift a finger to help it along. That mistake he made years ago.

However, leaving seemed monumentally worse. Like he would reach eternal damnation faster. His whole body yelled at him to stay, fight for Ava. Doing that would be sending her world into hell instead. Last night he had almost told her everything and started by nearly kissing her a bunch of times. How he managed to walk away without saying a word was a shock in itself!

He didn't deserve to tell her the truth. He didn't deserve to ruin her life because he regretted his choices. She lived through the consequences of his choices and ruined her life once. What right did he have to do it again? All for I'm sorry and I have always loved you. Love, this time, wasn't enough. She made promises to someone else. She loved someone else. Who was he to come in and ruin that? That was if she listened to him. He knew Ava, she would never forgive him for what he did. Yet his heart still hoped.

Hope was a lost cause. All she talked about was Christian, their engagement and impending nuptials. That was not a woman looking to destroy her life with words she wasn't expecting or needed. Alex was the one stuck in the past. Telling her the truth freed Alex  from the knowledge that when he looks back twenty years from now, miserable, with someone he mostly tolerates, Alex could tell himself that he gave his all and lost. There would be no what ifs and regrets. But to her, he would be opening up a wound that she managed to close.

Why on Earth would he run a knife over her old scars and reopen them? She moved on. That was what he needed to recognise and accept. She didn't  need him in the way that he needed her to want him. That knowledge was gutting but it was something that he had to face.

If a glass of hard liquor at six o'clock in the morning helped dull his senses, then Alex was all for it or at least he tried. Before he stepped into the shower he carried on from last night and finished what was left in the mini bar. He probably would have done more damage if there had been more alcohol but the universe was conspiring against him too and wanted him in pain. Alex obliged. He needed that pain too for every time that he had seen her cry and stayed silent.

After his shower, he got dressed. As he came out into the living space of the suite his father was there. Last night Alex had been a mess and surely he hadn't remembered the night as vividly as he thought. There were two bottles of wine scattered on the floor. He had never been messy, it just wasn't his way. For a moment, Alex felt shame thinking of what his father thought.

"I got the key from downstairs. I hope you don't mind," Beau Evans uttered explaining his presence. "Are you...alone?" he asked looking around the room.

So the room wasn't as messy as he thought. Alex sighed. "Who would I be with?"

"Genevieve?"

"Is that what everyone thought?"

"You and her have always been close."

"She's just a friend and business associate."Alex sighed. "She is the engineer on the job and I had an extra ticket to the show. It felt wrong leaving her at the hotel when I am the reason the project is well ahead of schedule and she has been more than accommodating."

"So you drank all that by yourself?"

Alex shrugged. "It was that kind of night."

Beau lifted a paper from the other side of him and opened a few pages. He turned it to Alex, revealing him and Ava when they arrived at the club. 

"What of it?"

Beau pointed to the chair across from him and Alex sunk down into it. "You look good together."

Alex sighed deeply. "We have already had this talk. I understand why things had to be this way. It's fine. I'm fine."

"But you are not fine though or are you going to lie to me as you have been lying to yourself?" Beau said with a faint smile. He looked into his son's eyes and sighed heavily. "Don't leave Alex. Don't watch her marry someone else without saying anything."

"What am I supposed to say?" he said coming to his feet with frustration. "She's marrying someone else. She loves him! Perhaps we were only meant to be temporary!"

He had thought of those words many times. Thinking that he could have been that happy and complete and for it to mean nothing hurt.  Somehow it seemed like he would never feel anything close to what it was with Ava.

His father stood up and  lightly approached him. Alex looked away, shaking his head. All the pain that he held in that one body for so long strangled him. He choked and the pain came crushed out of him all at once.

"Oh Alex!" His father said taking hold of him. He couldn't remember a time where he wept. They had always been a happy family.

But as he cried, Alex fell to his knees and his father went down with him. The pain clawed away at him, eating him alive. Alex wanted to rip his heart out of his chest and be done with it. Nothing he had ever been through could have prepared him for the day he found out she was engaged. Ever since that day, he had been making it up as he went along. But there was no hiding from the agony of all the time lost that he would never get back.

Alex cried for the young boy who discovered a love he didn't know was possible and lost it before he found out all that they could be. It would have been different if they were wrong for each other or broke up because one of them cheated. Yet that wouldn't have possible. It felt like they were always in sync and they would have only grown stronger.

"I love her," Alex cried. "With every fibre of my being and every breath I take, I love her and I'm destined to watch her marry someone else."

"I know, son. I know."

For a while, they sat on that carpeted floor as Alex wept for what he lost. It felt like hours until he finally gathered himself and the tears stopped. He had missed his flight. He wondered if Genevieve had come looking for him and left him.

Alex put his hand to his eyes and brushed the tears away. "I shouldn't have done that."

Beau's eyes met Alex's. "You know, you are the most difficult of my children."

Alex laughed despite not wanting to. "I can't see how that's a fair assessment. I have caused you the least amount of problems."

"Exactly," Beau agreed. "Your sisters wear their hearts on their sleeves. One may cry and not have much of a bark and the other would kill if you made her angry enough. I never had to find the right words for you — you were the one made himself smaller when your sisters needed it. Internalising your pain is not good for you, I would know."

Alex let out a humourless laugh. "You don't know how it feels, dad. You and mother are perfect. I have never even seen you fight."

"I was worse than you," Beau uttered. "I loved your mother but I had no right to tell her so and I married someone else. I know how it feels to be married to someone and want another. You do not want that, believe me. You might hate yourself now but being disgusted with yourself after having the woman you love but cheating on your wife will be much worse."

"You cheated on your wife?"

"I have to tell you to never do that to another woman but I'm sure you know that," Beau said softly. "But I did cheat on my wife. Your mother and I despite our hatred of each other... that's not accurate. I never hated her. Despite her hatred of me, when we were near each other it was telling, we were like those kids who fell in love before life ripped us apart."

"How come I don't know about this?"

"It was before you were born." Beau admitted, searching deeply into his son's eyes."What I'm trying to say is, I should have never married the other woman. I wanted your mother like breathing as you put it. Every time she was near I was testing my own strength — could we part with me not giving in to my deepest desires? Every time I would tell myself it's the last time, that next time I would be stronger. But I couldn't. I'm not saying you can't do the right thing. Maybe you're a better man than me. But you shouldn't test yourself like that. That's not living, Alex."

"You missed an important difference between the two of us. You and mom loved each other, you just had to work your issues out."

"I married another woman because I didn't think I deserved to be forgiven. You should talk to Ava despite what you think. We chose for her once. Don't do that again. Maybe she doesn't forgive you but she does deserve to know the whole truth."

"She will kill me," Alex let out a most soft whisper. "The truth will destroy everything that we have."

"Not speaking up is destroying you."

"It's selfish, I can't."

Beau smiled and placed a hand on his son. "You have to talk to her. It doesn't mean she'll come back to you but that's her choice to make. You can't leave, Alex."

"I am damned if I do and damned if I don't."

"Come stay at the house with your mother and I."

"No, I don't want to hear about Ava's wedding preparations. What if she comes over?"

Beau gave his son an incredulous look. "You are our son, Ava. We love Ava but we will ensure you have the space you need. You can't stay here by yourself."

"What if I don't have the courage and want to be messy?"

"Then you'll be messy and then I will pick you up and put you to bed." Beau stood up and held out a hand to his son. "I'll do it every single day if I have to."

Alex placed his hand in his father's and stood up. "Thanks for telling me about you and mom."

"There's no love that's perfect. We all work through the messy parts."

Alex grabbed his things and didn't go to the airport like he planned. His parents house was lively when he walked in. His eyes filled with panic as he glanced at his father. Their families were inseparable and he hoped that Ava wasn't coming over. It was too soon and he wasn't ready.

Beau shook his head. "Your mother is making your favourite meal and your sister will come over later."

"I am not sure I can be good company today."

"Then you don't have to come for dinner, but food will be there when you need it."

A rush of footsteps rung down the hall coming towards then and then stopped. "Where is baby—"

His mother's eyes were filled with guilt. Alex looked between his parents and smiled. "You are usually more subtle than this," he told them. "You could have texted her."

Beau shrugged.

Adrianna walked over, slow at first and then covered Alex with her long arms. "My darling sweet baby."

Alex laughed. "Mom, you are acting like I'm sick."

He felt like crap, there was no denying that. Nor did he feel like particularly doing anything for weeks. Alex mentally noted that he had to call his grandfather and tell him that he wasn't returning for a couple of days.

"Go to bed, I'll be right up with chicken soup."

Alex nodded. He took a step towards the stairs and stopped. "I didn't want to see it then but you were right about us, I know that now. Last night might have never happened if Ava and I had stayed together. It kills me to think that I can suppress the best parts of herself."

"Alex," Adrianna cried out. "That wasn't your fault."

"But it happened on my watch." Alex noted. "Christian makes her brilliant and I cover up the parts of her which are amazing."

"You don't know that, Alex." Adrianna uttered. "Nonetheless, you don't get to choose how someone loves you."

Alex nodded but it had been a startling difference— something he couldn't ignore. Christian and Ava were perfect. He couldn't come between that and yet that was exactly what he thought of as he entered into his room and found that he had nothing to offer but old memories. That paled next to everything that she had become without him. Ava didn't need him while he had cocooned himself with work for the last couple of years, barely living his life and still waiting.

He laid on the bed with his clothes and pulled out his phone. That day, more than ever, he needed to hear her voice. He had told himself that he wouldn't do this. He would be whatever she needed but he would not embed himself in her life. So far he had done a stellar job at keeping it together (!).

"Alex, what a lovely surprise," she said in a groggy voice. Was it truly lovely? Nope. He was falling apart and needed a reminder of why it was that he did this.

He sighed. "I needed to hear your voice or are you busy?"

Ava laughed lightly. "You never call me, Alex. Even if I was busy, I would put everything aside and relish the moment."

"I call you," he refuted, doing his best to sound offended but she was not wrong. It had been by design. He couldn't call her or he would want to do it every day and that was just asking for trouble.

"When?"

"I would look through my phone to prove you wrong but I fear you might be right."

"It's fine, I get that you need the ego stroke. You're like those fuck boys," Ava teased. "Actually, you are, if university is anything to go by. But I'm glad Genevieve is making an honest man out of you."

Alex had to laugh at that. "You think me and Genevieve are together? Are you insane?"

Ava paused for a moment. "You looked like a couple."

"She's a business associate," Alex refuted. "It's never even occurred to me to date her."

"I'm sorry to have assumed."

"Where are you?"

"I'm in bed and where are you? Has your flight left yet? Are you calling me midair?"

"Do you remember when we used to race down the streets with Pharaoh?" Alex asked, thinking of his old dog. "I miss that. I miss you."

"I missed Pharaoh too," Ava said softly. "And of course, I miss you every single day."

She shouldn't have been allowed to say such things. It gave him hope. "I should let you go back to what you were doing."

"I can stay on the phone to you," Ava said quickly. "Alex, is everything okay? You sound— wrong."

Tears welled in his eyes. "I am fine." He was losing the love of his life for the third time and this time it would be permanent. Was there being okay after this?

"You know, I might not know what you care about now, but I do know you, Alex. And you are not fine, I can hear it in your voice."

"I fucked up my life big time, Ava. I just don't know what to do."

"It can't be that bad. You are practically perfect."

"But I'm not."

"Tell me then. What did you do?"

"I can't."

"Alex, go on, tell me. I'm sure it's not as bad as you think."

"I want to tell you. Fuck, I have to tell you but I just can't." At that, he hung up the phone. He hadn't known how they got to the topic of them — one second they were talking about nothing and the next he had almost spilled his guts.

This was why he stayed away from her or he would be booking her a first class ticket to misery along with him. And he couldn't do that to her. He could never willingly hurt her. Not again.

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