— The rain fell heavily

Upon my paper umbrella.

Shattering my delusions.

Thus was only such.

... A paper umbrella.

So weak and frail

It caved, broken,

under the stress.

Oh now, how I pitied

the paper umbrella.

: : : : : : : :

"Now in this world full of sadness,
Don't let your heart harden.
For the sake of whatever intimacy
we could have,
Don't let your heart harden.

Hardened, the heart is oblivious
to the world.
And words fall silent on the soul.
Nurturing serenity,
man returns to that dreaminess
Known at the beginning,
and can make sense of it all.

I'll completely abandon my heart,
my soul, everything! —
And seek nothing but beauty
within that state of oblivion.
This sadness is a part of this life.
And while there is nothing in my heart
to move me,
I still want to rise above others —
This is the sad preoccupation
that pervades my life."

— Nakahara Chūya, "untitled"
PART 3 expert from "Poems of the Goat"

________________

: :  June 15th  : :
"Arukōru pub" | southwest of Honshu island , Yamaguchi prefecture

_________________

Hideo cracked open a bottle of vodka.
A satisfying sound filled the air.
He took a sip, shoving it in Chuuya's face as he reached over for the pile of tempura.

"I told you I don't drink."

"Well in this case you should. Drink to forget at least." He gave an awkwardly reassuring smile.

Chuuya fiddled with the carpet beneath him,
ripping pieces from the floor as his thoughts began to trail off.
Sensing that the mood shifted Hideo ran his free hand through his thick locks.
"Chuuya...", He let go of the bottle causing it to release on the table with a dense thud. "Damn... Did I say something I shouldn't have?"

"No. You just reminded me of someone."

"... But in a bad way? Right?"

"Hmm...Bittersweet." He chuckled. "But I like remembering these kinds of things. Don't worry. It's not for you to wear your mind about."

"Stop doing that."
"What?"
"Playing somebody's fool."
"Pfft. 'Playing a fool' you say?... At this point I'm sure it's something I can't help."
"I know. You've been doing it your whole life. Which is why you always end up being hurt twice as hard. You're a caring person. And don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you to change—just don't be uhh, I don't know...stupid." His friend frowned.
"Pfft. We haven't seen each other in almost three years and the first thing you do is try to lecture me on my love life."

"I'm just offering some help."

"Thanks, but I'm okay."

"...I know it's hard. Love is one of, if not the hardest thing life's got to offer. I'm just trying to rid you of one burden at least."

He gave a forced laugh as Hideo slid him a tall glass filled with several large cubes of ice.
"Here." He didn't hesitate, immediately tipping the bottle over into his cup. "Just one drink. One drink then we can leave. I promise."

"Okay. I have one question. Why the hell are you trying so hard to get me drunk? We both ended up in jail last time I had too much."

"Well hopefully there aren't any officials houses nearby. Ha, otherwise we're fucked."

"Hideo that's not funny. The hell man?"
"Sheesh. You're such a mood ruiner."
"I've been told."
"But seriously. You're bummed out of your mind, and drinking always makes me feel better. It should do the same for you. I wouldn't be a good friend if I wasn't bugging you to drink then, would I?"

Chuuya chuckled reluctantly.
Gazing down at the glass between his fingers, the ice cubes clinking and settling towards the bottom as they began to melt.
Hideo contorted his face, jerking his cup back, spilling the contents onto his shirt.
"The hell! This was my Sunday shirt!"
Chuuya sulked his head into the collar of his shirt in an attempt to not blurt out a laugh.
Moments later he let out the greatest howl his little body could've conjured.
"That's more like it." He dabbed his shirt with a stack of napkins from the corner of the table. "I hate when you're sulky. Damn mood ruiner. Now how about that drink buddy?"
Hideo swung the bottle in front of him as if doing so would tempt him a bit.

"Fine. Sheesh." Chuuya reached behind him, grabbing a larger glass from the shelf.
"But, if I'm gonna drink I should at least do it right."

"Wait! I didn't say get bat shit drunk! You can't even handle a shot glass! Let's be realistic here."
Chuuya waved him away as he titled the bottle towards his lips. He definitely wasn't a drinker.
And his little stunt proved to be worser for him than he intended.

After chugging roughly half of the bottle he doubled over, resting his head on the table as he balled his fists.
Hideo inclined to tap his back, worry lines creasing his forehead.
"Hey are you okay?... Hold on I'll get you some medicine. There's no way I'm carrying you back to your place."

Chuuya swiveled around in his seat before finally seeming to find what he was looking for through squinted eyes. "Hey bro!"
Hideo looked around comically before pointing at himself. "What? Who? Me?"

"Yeah!" He smiled widely. "My one and only bestest bro! I love you so much!"

"Yeah, I love you too man. Now be quiet."

"WHAT?!"

"Shhh! The owner's asleep." He pointed his index finger to the ceiling sternly. "We shouldn't even be here. At least be considerate Chuuya."

"What are you talking about? Chicken bones? We can't eat chicken bones Hideo..."
He dropped his head.

"Chuuya What?—Are- are you crying?..."

"You can't eat chicken bones! Dumbass you'll die if you don't chew them right! Don't eat them!"

He hollered before shooting up and staggering over the table. "Don't eat the chicken bones bro you'll die!!"

Hideyo furrowed his brows and glanced at the plate full of chicken bones they'd successfully cleared about an hour ago.
He got up from the table with the plate slowly and tossed the plate in the trash.
"I didn't. I won't eat them. See. It's in the trash."

"...But what if you go in the trash and eat them?" He asked innocently through a couple of sniffles.

"???...Do I look like—?!"

Suddenly a car stopped in front of the restaurant, flashing its lights a few times before turning the engine off. Hideo looked on in confusion as Chuuya did a small drunken dance in the corner of the room nearly colliding with the counter.

"That's your ride."

A voice emanated from atop the stairs.
She trotted down in rhythmical steps, her long, dark hair swaying behind her.
Hideo: "... I don't exactly know if I should be thankful. I mean I'm the one paying for it."
"Of course. But look, nothing personal. I missed you guys and honestly wish you would've come at a more decent time so we can catch up. It's just that my son has school at seven. It's only three in the morning and he's awake. If you ever wanna come back again at this time please do it on a weekend."

"...Sorry Ainko. How about we come back with Yasuko and buy all the drinks off the top shelf?"

She jokingly rolled her eyes. "I'd be able to close up for half a year if you did that. Pfft. By all means oblige me."

Hideo gasped jokingly, reaching his hand to his heart, blinking hastily. "I also have a kid to feed. Woman you have no shame."

: : : : : : : :

"Hello. Where to?"
"Hello. Umm... Chuuya." He nudged his head. "Where's that condo you were staying at?"
"What?"
"The condo you were sharing in the city. Hurry up and give me the directions."
"...I dunno... Somewhere. I know it was on the left."
"Left what?"
"Side of the street. Haha."
"...I'm sorry sir. You can just drop us off near the terminal."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Thank you."

After a few minutes they descended onto a bustling highway. Red and white car lights filled the ambience. The occasional honk of a horn entered the air. Chuuya leaned his head against his shoulder mumbling a name Hideo wasn't that familiar with.

"Hey! Chuuya! Chuuya?"
He let out a small grumble.
"For the love of God... Never drink again. I shouldn't have even suggested it. I just remembered what happened last time." He shivered at the thought of spending time again in a jail cell.
"I'm gonna ask the cab driver to stop at the convenience store... You need something for the hangover."

Chuuya reached over, grabbing his arm so he wouldn't signal the driver. He slowly shook his head as he again nestled into Hideo's shoulder.

"Your heads like a rock." He mumbled.

"I'm fine, I swear."

"Well my shoulder ain't..." He glanced down at the top of Chuuya's head before letting out a sigh.

"And no, your not."

He grunted. "Huh? What's with you?... It'll wear off in no time—."

"Not the alcohol Chuuya."
He gave another worried sigh.
"Don't dwell on this. We hate seeing you this way."

He stared at the faint outline of his hands as Hideo continued his pointless lecture.

"Do you think he hates me?"

"No."

"Yeah right. He's probably cursing me right now."

"Hate and love can be pretty interchangeable if you think about it, no?"

"So basically, he does hate me."

"...Do you hate him?"

He sniffled. Sitting up straight in his seat before letting out a hum. "If I say yes, that makes me a terrible person. If I say no, then I'm piteous."

"Then which one would make you feel better?"

"I think I'm done with trying to feel 'better'."
He sulked into his seat.
Hideo reached over, with a bit of difficulty, to rest his hand on his shoulder.

"I'll tell you something my dad told me on my wedding day. Living can be one of the most unhappy things we experience. Life's full of unhappiness. But seeking that thing that gives us happiness and purpose is also what we spend our lives doing. So—."

"Aaahhahhh! Ew, okay okay. Enough of the sappy stuff. Coming from you? Yuck."
"Hey! What's wrong with it coming from me?!"
"I would've been better off hearing this from Yasuko... Okay. I get it. Life's a cycle of a hell hole and I should find something fulfilling yatayata."

"Haha, as long as you understand."

"Ugh, you're like the uncle I'm glad I never had."

__________________

「June 18th 」
、Dazai's old condominium 、
。Goshogawara, Aomori prefecture  。

___________________

The woman was of short stature.
About as tall as he was.
Her naturally wavy hair was in an updo,
her fringes also curled.
She looked up with doleful eyes.

"Hello. Is Dazai here?" Her voice was also small, in fact Chuuya almost didn't catch her speak.

"I'm sorry?"

"Forgive me, where are my manners. I'm Shizuko, an acquaintance of his. I was wondering if he was here? Osamu Dazai? This was the address he gave me..."

She fiddled into her pocket. Pulling out a clearly worn, but well preserved piece of paper.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you."
She flailed it about as though it would unfold itself and handed it to him.
He sleepily rubbed his eyes and let out a sigh.
"No, I just woke up and I'm still foggy,
I've been rude so I apologize."
"No. It's fine. Don't worry about it."
He took the paper, analyzing it as best he could in his current condition.

There was no doubt about it.
This was Dazai's almost unintelligible penmanship.

It was only then that he noticed the small child in her arms. She looked to be about a few months old.
Her jet black hair in sloppy pigtails.

Shizuko noticed his stare.
"Oh!" A smile lit her face as she pushed back the blanket a bit more, revealing the child's face.
"Her name's Haruko. She's our first child... isn't she adorable?" As if understanding her mother the child giggled lightly. The baby turned towards Chuuya, reaching out to grab the buttons on his vest.
The woman stepped back a bit.

"I'm so sorry! She likes to get herself into a mess all the time. I'm always getting her out of something."
"Hmmm. Well she's just like her father in that aspect I assume." He mumbled.
She offered an apologetic bow. "I sorry again."

"It's fine. It's fine. But you shouldn't come back here again. He's off the radar these days." He scoffed. "I'm not even sure where he's at."

"Oh. Really?" Her voice seemed to sadden.

"If I ever see him though I'll give him a swift kick up his ass and tell him to see you as soon as he can."

"You don't know how much I'd appreciate you telling him I stopped by!" She gave a toothy, innocent smile that stretched towards her eyes.
She waved him bye with her free hand as she turned to trot down the stairs.

Chuuya closed the door.
His hand gripping the handle as he stared at his feet.
He clenched his jaw, taking a sharp, deep breath as he walked over to the counter to grab his phone.
Without really thinking he dialed Dazai's number.
It rung a few times before it went to voicemail.

"Dazai you bastard! You mean to tell me you're running around having kids and not fucking taking care of them? Should I be expecting any more love scorned women to drop by?— Wherever the hell you are— you need to stop running away from your responsibilities and act your age! You don't give a damn about anybody but yourself and it drives me fucking crazy!—"
He stopped, hurling the phone at the wall.
It bounced off landing near the coffee table.

Yasuko ran from the living room startled.
Her baby bouncing on her hip.
"Chuuya? What's wrong?"
She stole a glance at him before handing the little boy off to her husband.
"Look after him for a minute would you?"
Without stopping to hear what dribble Hideo had to speak she gently hauled him into the kitchen.

"What was that about?"

"...Nothing."

"Did it have something to do with that Dazai guy?"

He heaved a heavy sigh, bringing his body around towards the table.
"If it did, then what? It's got nothing to do with me anymore."

"Yet you're still bothered by it. Chuuya you have to be honest with yourself. If you still have feelings for the guy tell him."

"....."

"That's the problem there. Lack of communication. Just talk to him." She reached over to pat the back of his hand. "Everyone's got their demons. Some people just need help getting rid of theirs."

Chuuya scoffed, moving back to lean against the chair. "Do you know how much I've been trying to get him to talk? He literally told me he wanted space because I suggested we talk. There's no talking when it comes to him."

"I swear. A talk would do you guys so good."

"Is there another option?"

A scowl crossed her face. "Was he always like that?"

"Yeah and there's no way in hell he's changing. I'm sorry but I really don't wanna talk about this."

"But holding it in isn't benefiting you either. I won't say anything. I'm just here to listen." She leaned over the table to whisper. "Believe it or not Hideo also had me in the wringer over his infidelity."

Chuuya's eyes widened.
He couldn't imagine Hideo even considering to cheat on Yasuko. Not with how crazy he is about her.
"Seriously?!"
She tapped her index finger against her lips.
"It was a while ago. I did somethings I'm not proud of but it got him back on track."
Chuuya spun around, stealing a glance of him before turning around and shaking his head.

His shoulders relaxed as he uncrossed his legs under the table. She'd managed to get his guard down so props to her.
"I don't know where I should start honestly..."

Yasuko and Chuuya day at the dining room table for almost and hour conversing.
She gave him her undivided attention.
He told her of how he was taken in by Dazai after coming to the city with nothing but the clothes on his back. How they argued almost every day, quiet and peaceful days were a rarity.
But most importantly he told her of how he grew to love him. Even if it was a toxic and tainted kind of love. It was still love.

"What is it that's got you so head over heels for him? It has to be something amazing? Right?"

"....?"

"It has to be something that no one else can do for you. It has to be something someone else can't give you? You know why? Because you're allowing yourself to be hurt like this." She tapped her nails against the wooden surface of the table.
"Don't take this the wrong way Chuuya but you don't love yourself... You know they say to love someone you have to first love yourself. You're not holding yourself in high enough regard that you're enabling the person you 'love' to treat you like crap."
She waved her hand about.
"These broads that keep coming here claiming to have kids by him...ugh." She pressed her lips together refusing to let another word leave them.

Chuuya said nothing.
He hung on her every word.
He knew she was only looking out for him.
And her words were penetrating him a bit.
"I'm telling you something I wish somebody would've told me. I never had anyone to look out for me. It's not too late for you. Take that journey to find yourself if you need to." She tilted her head, a sigh escaping her as she smiled gently.
Like a mother to a child.
"All I know is that you shouldn't come back here until you're ready. Hideo and I'll still be here."

He looked down at the floor before raising his head.
A small, but genuine smile etched his lips.
"I think I'll try that... Thank you."

__________________

「June 19th 」
、Tamagawa canal  、
。Tamagawa, Mitaka, Japan  。

___________________

The words echoed in Chuuya's ears like an eerie chime. He had heard them on television.
Uttered by berated and tired doctors who'd spent minutes upon hours, working their fingers to the bone to save someone.

"We tried everything we